Posted by:
elderolddog
(
)
Date: March 21, 2021 01:53PM
Here, fresh from the hard drive of the prophet (and you know that JoJu had one!) is the document that I have been assured contains the words Russell Milhaus Nelson is planning to say a couple of weeks from now.
Dear Brothers and Sisters, of all colors, stripes, hues, and textures, I welcome you.
And it is with great humility… yes, perhaps even the greatest humility ever evidenced by a human being, that I offer my welcome to you to this, yet another in the series of Annual and Semi-annual conferences of the one, True Church.
This one, April Conference, is the more special of the two. You do not EVER want to miss April Conference. Just hearing those two words together sends my spirit soaring! Let’s all same them together: <waves his hands> April Conference!
Everyone who is hearing my voice is a chosen spirit. Even those of you tuned in hoping to find a reason to ridicule me are chosen!! Yes! What you feel as a spirit of contention, wherein you seek to fight against the pricks, to right wrongs, is nothing more than your soul’s yearning to help you return to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which is my gospel, to do with as the Lord sees fit to advise me. You know this! And it is why you pay attention!!
It seems all so clear to me now, how the Lord influenced my life so that when the time to make choices was upon me, I made the correct choices, the ones that kept me on the covenant path, and to an eventual reunion with our older brother and Savior and his Father, who is our Father, too.
The fact that I stand here before you, in the role of Prophet, Seer & Revelator says as much, and I am grateful for your sustaining power because that is what it is! Your faith in the Lord, and in me, give me power and give you power, as well as a close association with the ultimate source of wisdom and knowledge, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who stands at the head of … well, at the head of everything!
And now I feel the need, or at least I did when I began gathering my thoughts about this meeting, and thinking about what I was going to say, and wondering how the Lord would inspire me, to tell you that the apparent growth in the numbers of Saints who are said to be leaving, even resigning, from the Church, is Bogus. Yes, B-o-g-u-s! As in, it’s a fraud!! <waves arms and hands maniacally>
And here I show you proof! <holds up a single sheet of 8-1/2 x 11 white paper, with printing on it>. This is a letter addressed to the Church Membership department purporting to be from me, in which I am supposedly asking for my membership in the church to be removed! Ha!!
Obviously, my dear brothers and sisters of all colors, hues, stripes, and textures, I did not write, nor did I mail this letter! And if this letter is a fraud, how many others like it are frauds?
It is for this reason that I have reinstated the membership, along with all the rights, powers and privileges associated therewith, of all who have purportedly resigned, until such time as each and every person who wants to repudiate my reinstatement can visit the Church Membership office with the appropriate documentation and swear before Man and God that they are forsaking their loving Savior, even Jesus Christ, who suffered and died for their sakes. We will require DNA proof and will be video-recording any such proceedings, as the availability of suitable witnesses provides.
And even those few members who actually sent in legitimate requests are sure to breathe a sigh of relief; they now have the opportunity to walk into their Ward building with a renewed feeling of hope and satisfaction: the Lord Jesus Christ has reached out the hand of mercy to them. Come back to us, all is forgiven! Let us all rejoice.
And now we will hear and watch a 1977 video recording of the Tabernacle Choir singing “How Round is the Noose of the Lamb”, following which President Henry B. Eyring will detail to all the good Sisters of the Church how to bind and hide their bosoms so that men need no longer be lead astray by hormonal impetuses brought on by slavish instincts implanted by the adversary, to which the flesh is heir to. While it is not your fault, good Sisters, you can be the cure! You MUST BE THE CURE!! Brother Eyring will give you the details.
And now I leave you with my blessing, that if you will pay an honest tithe, and love your fellow man, of all color, hues, stripes and textures, you will be blessed beyond even your ability to comprehend. May you know the peace of being clasped into the bosom of the Lamb.
I say these things in both my name, as a living prophet, and in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. Even
edited thru wisdom & authority
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/21/2021 02:35PM by elderolddog.