This is an OutSports.com article about Mari Burningham who is gay but raised Mormon. Her story is harrowing with too many excerts to be fair to her overall story.

http://www.outsports.com/os/index.php/component/content/article/54-coming-out-stories-that-have-appeared-on-outsports/370-mari-burningham-a-mormon-lesbians-journey-to-finding-herself

I couldn't help thinking about the "... and I'm a Mormon" commercials we've recently discussed here when reading about some of her experiences at BYU and Ricks. Below, she describes her temple experience:

"After a year of working with my bishop to make myself worthy to go to the temple, we married in July 1998 in the Salt Lake Temple just like my parents. Before we were married we went to my hometown temple in Logan, Utah, to get my endowments. This is where you perform sacred covenants and receive those special underwear garments. Before you can be sealed for all time and eternity in the sealing rooms in the temple you must have your endowments ceremony done. The inside of the temple is a very beautiful, inspiring and spiritual place. To me it was like I’d stepped into the deepest, darkest, most foul and evil hole you can imagine. Though everything looked as it should on the outside, what I felt while in the temple in the inside was indescribably bad. I was having a near panic attack the entire time. I wanted to scream, tear the temple clothes from my body and never enter a temple again in my life.

"I somehow managed to make it through the ceremony and into the celestial room. I sat there, amongst my family and my fiancé and I broke down and started to sob. Everyone thought it was because I was so touched by getting my endowments and being moved by the spirit. I was so scared and I felt so awful being in that place that I couldn’t take it anymore."

Mari managed to be sealed to her husband in the Salt Lake temple, but she did not repeat the temple service and again felt the dark and forboding feelings when passing through the temple corridors. They basically rushed her in and back out again. She attempted to understand her reaction:

"I was disappointed because it felt like secret handshakes and combinations went against what we were taught in church in the Bible and Book of Mormon, yet we had them all. Even my disillusionment didn’t seem to warrant the extremely intense bad feeling I had in the temple. I inquired with President Monson about it. I figured if anyone would be able to give me some guidance and comfort it would be him. He asked some questions on the phone with me and then directed me to his friend, the president of the Timpanogos Temple. I met with him one night, late, past regular hours at his office like it was a clandestine mission.

"He asked me the same questions President Monson had asked: Did anyone treat me poorly or meanly? Did anyone touch me inappropriately? Did anyone say anything that offended me or made me feel bad? I answered no to all these things. Then he told me that “this happens a lot and only to women. We don’t know why and we can’t figure it out.” He said that there are women who are in their late 80s and 90s who had never gone back to the temple since they first went in their late teens or early 20’s. He said we all described basically the same things and that for those of us who felt that way we could serve our church and the Savior in other ways outside of temple work."

The whole article is worth reading. Since her story is reported at OutSports.com, Mari obviously divorced her husband, left the church, and moved out of Utah. She has been head couch for volleyball at the University of Redlands in California for 7 years.

I remember her! She was a demon on the volleyball team at BYU. Stone-cold front-line killer. Had more kills than anyone on the team. She ended up being the assistant women's volleyball coach at the Zoo.

Wonder if she outted at BYU?

Good for her.

Ron

Ron, you are so right! Haha.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support in this. The outpouring of love and support has been overwhelming!

"rise and shout", this Cougar is OUT!

and great to "not live a lie". Although I'm not gay, I had to live a lie about knowing the church was a fraud with my tbm family. It was terrible trying to act and live like something you are not. It slowly kills you. Now that I am out to them there are a lot of rocky times and it isn't always much fun being the one that needs feeling sorry for. Families are only an important to Mormons if you believe in their church, otherwise, you don't much matter.

The one thing I was curious about was how your Mormon family has handled all this. Are they putting family above your happiness? I hope they are accepting and happy for you.

My parents have posted a comment at the bottom of the Outsports.com article that is pretty telling of how they feel about me.

In fact, my parents were the ones that told me I was gay when I told them I was divorcing my husband. My mom said, "it't because you're gay right?" I didn't have an answer to her yet because I wasn't ready to say it out loud yet but my mom and dad went out and joined PLAG that year and lead the Utah Gay Pride parade and have gone every year with their signs even if I haven't been there. My mom is in the Prop 8 movie, she's shown turning in signatures trying to get the church to consider their stance and just last year my brother and my parents marched on BYU to get them to change the honor code on gays at the school.

Needless to say, my family is amazing and almost all my relatives are very accepting and loving. They have all far exceeded my hopes and expectations and I think it is because they know me, know that I'm still me and I'm still the person they love and care about. I'm really lucky, I know many aren't as lucky as I am. They love me unconditionally and they see how happy I am with my wife of 3 years, Heather. It doesn't get much better than this!

I'm in awe of everyone's stories on here, the struggles, the journey and the destinations you've all seemed to reach that include happiness, love and acceptance.

I'm humbled that so many are interested in my story and amazing that so many websites are covering it now. This website is one of my favorites though because it involves people from the LDS religion and those who know of what I am talking about.

There will be an ESPN Outside the Lines special where I am interviewed that will be coming out soon. I really speak candidly about BYU, the honor code and my experiences there as a player and coach. Be sure to check it out, I'm sure BYU and the church are NOT going to be very happy about it.

Everyone, keep fighting the good fight and continuing to be a positive image for those who don't know the face of their discrimination. Together we can all do some good.

Thank you for your encouragement, kind words and support. I truly love hearing everyone's own unique stories, it is empowering!

Mari
mariburningham@gmail.com

Your story is incredible and an inspiration especially to someone such as myself. Thank-you for sharing it with all of us via OutSports.com.

Thanks so much for sharing it. I'm so glad that you have been able to leave the prejudice behind and find your bliss.

Entitled, “A Mormon lesbian's journey to finding herself,” many aspects of Mari’s story apply also to any Mormon who wants to be true to himself or herself, yet who hopes (in vain) to be able to stay in the church as well.

From the introduction: "She writes about how she finally accepted who she was, left the church and found happiness"--just as we on RfM have done (or are striving to do now.)

You get to be you now, Mari!

Wow. I know the feeling she describes as well...

I wish her well in her chosen life. It makes me sad that her husband so so determined to "fix" her.

until I found RfM. I thought it was just me, and that somehow I wasn't "good" enough or "spiritual" enough.

There was an older lady in the one of the early wards I attended who never went to the temple, though she had been LDS all her life. Her fear was that it couldn't possibly be as wonderful as everybody had told her. She didn't want to be disillusioned.

I should have listened to her.

Did you catch that line, regarding her reaction to the temple (which I'd call normal, I think, in light of what actually goes on)?

The head honcho Mormons says "This often happens to women, and we don't know why"?

That is so telling. Contained in that statement is the implication that only women can't handle the truth or righteousness of the faith, imho. And that women really don't count in this religion.

If it were otherwise, and they were well aware of it happening---wouldn't they have looked into it and determined why, and figured out a better way to thelp those women affectd by it?

Personally, hearing your stories about the temple ceremonies here, it makes me think that the women recognized that the method used, involving touching w/o warning or invitation, the unexpected expectation of nakedness being required, the invasion of annointing, the extreme secrecy, and the feeling of entrapment, not being able to say no or leave---is exactly like rape.

I wouldn't be surprised if it happens to men, too, but they're expected to "suck it up" and "be a man." It's more socially acceptable for women to admit fear and seek help, so the temple honchos only hear from women.

A few of my Mormon best friends have birthdays just before mine and they went to the temple just before leaving for their missions. Even though we were about the same age, I left on my mission almost 6 months later due to timing with my education.

Before my friends went on a mission, we played golf one day. I showed up and my friend is getting dressed and is in his garments. He said the temple experience was awesome and that he loved it and so naturally I couldn't wait.

Almost my entire ward, it seems, traveled almost 4 hours to go through the endowment session with me. I absolutely hated it and was freaked the hell out during the annointing, and then I thought the entire ceremony strange and cultish. I wanted to run out but looking around the room at my parents and the entire session from my ward who traveled so far, I just couldn't leave. I sat and stewed and felt trapped and upset nobody, especially my best friend, warned me about it.

Once I got to the MTC, we attended the temple a lot and because everyone on the outside pretended to be excited about going, I talked myself into believing that I was really super special because I was learning all about the most special celestial secrets.

Then on my mission, there was no temple. I returned and really didn't go back. . .

. . . until my wedding. I didn't want to spook my wife-to-be and reveal my real feelings about the temple. It was important for her to be married in the temple. I said something like, "It's a little different so be prepared." But that was it.

And guess what happened? She was crying when I was on the other side of the curtain, inviting her though as her celestial husband with the secret handshakes and tokens. In the celestial room, she was crying and saying how beautiful it was. But I looked in her eyes and recognized why she was truly crying--because I recognized the anger and fear and shock of what just happened.

It's a horrible experience....

I am very glad that Mari has been able find happiness, but what she seems to be fighting for is the LDS church to change their minds on gay marriage. I can't help but wonder why when it seems she has such extream dislike for the church. Why if she resents the church so much does she and her family want for her to be part of it? I can't imagine the heartache she has gone through, but by saying such hateful things about LDS beliefs, I can't help but think.... Is that not what she is trying to fight against, Hate? Just something to think about.. Good luck on your journey Mari, I hope you continue to help those you come in contact with!! I do believe you deserve the same happiness in life that we all do:)

I want you to be happy but if you tell the truth about your experiences with my church you're promoting "hate". Sorry, you aren't being "true" betrue.

Oddly enough, I heard about Mari's story for the first time from my LDS dentist. I was in the process of coming out as a lesbian (pioneeer heritage, youngest of 6 TBM family, mission, BYU BS and MS) in my 30s. My dentist had a daughter who was being recruited for the BYU volleyball team, so he knew enough to be able to gossip about it. He mentioned Mari's story as a cautionary tale: Don't be a lesbian! You'll ruin your life etc. etc.

It's great now to hear her tell her own story and see her successes. I'm glad she's found love and happiness in spite of so much pressure and whatever $hit storms she had to endure.

My temple experience was similar. The more I went the more I was desensitized, though. It was always unnerving, wondering if someone was going to get some kind of a revelation and I'd be thrown out or shamed.

Also, with respect to hands being laid on my head (ugh) I remember thinking that if the true priesthood power was setting me apart for a calling that the priesthood holder would know about my "evil" attraction to other women. I can't imagine how scary it would have been for me to meet up with Tom Monson during my TBM days.

Wow, that was a wild ride.

I'm so glad I'm out. Rise and Shout this Couger is OUt too, Mari! Thanks for sharing your story and best of luck to you!

I can't imagine how hard it would be to come out after all that. Coming out as simply as a non-believer is hard enough in the mormon world, Mari is an amazing person.

Mari, your story is inspiring. I am not gay, but have had a connection with gay people for some reason. It kills me when people are so ignorant and demeaning toward gays and lesbians.

In any event, I will be cheering for you and looking for more stories about you. So glad you have a wonderful family.

Cheers, D. Lamb

Hurray for Mari!!!!! You are a courageous woman Mari. And smart! You are living the life you were meant to live now. I do believe that being gay is not a choice people make. I do think that God has some people be gay just like some have black hair or small feet etc. It is simply the way it is. And you have the courage to be what God made you and to be happy!
The feeling you got in the temple is one of pure evil. The temple is an evil place where evil rituals take place. When we look at the evil lifestyle of Joseph Smith, his followers are being like him, EVIL! Raping little girls and other men's wives is certainly not admirable, it is EVIL. And those are just a few of the evil things he did. I could go on and on, but we all know what Joseph Smith was like, false prophet.

I suspect a lot of men feel the same way, but are less likely to talk about feelings. It is wierd and you have no idea what to expect. Another factor could be that women are more romantic about weddings. A temple wedding really does not meet those expectations.You have been told your whole life about how special and spiritual it will be and you get there and it is secret handshakes, passwords and funny clothes. I only went for baptisms, but I didn't feel any of the things I expected to feel. No angels, spirits of the dead or even a special spiritual feeling.I didn't find it wierd, but it was about as spiritual as getting dunked in swimming pool.

But I do remember having that raised eyebrow feeling of surprise/amazement the first time the penalty thing was presented. There is something alarming about being asked to agree to having your insides cut out or your throat slit if you don't keep promises you are forced into making.

But I was a good follower and kept reminding myself how special and spiritual the temple was supposed to be. Everyone from family to the temple prep class teachers had told us all it was.