I am 32, was baptized at 8, was married and sealed in the temple at 23. Last summer during the course of my divorce, I also began looking into The Church and trying to put to rest the questions that continually bothered me. What I found instead opened the floodgates of true information that was NEVER taught in church. The most damning piece for me was JS marrying other men's wives and a 14 year old girl. When I asked my Bishop about it, I was made to feel like I was a wicked person and I needed to avoid looking at the information on the internet because of all the lies out there. When I told him I found it on the LDS genealogy website, he didn't have much to say about that. When I asked my now-ex-husband about it, he believes it was all God's will and/or lies.

I have started attending a really nice non-denominational church, but even with the facts staring me in the face I'm still haunted by the "What ifs" of The Church. What if it is true and all that horrible stuff was God's will and I'm damning myself? How do I come to grips that I was raised in a cult, and my entire life was centered on those beliefs?

How do you get over those hang ups and find peace? Finding peace has been a really huge struggle for me.

I was never Mormon, but I was raised in a cult. A terrifying one that told me from birth that gays were a plague and AIDS was the cure for homosexuality and if you got sick (even a cold) it was because you weren't pure enough and only prayer and deep meditation could cure you. As a result of my upbringing I spent the seventh year of my life thinking I had AIDS (I knew I was gay pretty early, and I didn't get the whole AIDS from sex lecture. Just that it was punishment for being gay). It took a lot of self-reflection and logic to get past all my hang-ups, but I can honestly say that I probably have less hang-ups than most people who had a normal childhood. Here's how I got over my "What ifs"

I started thinking of god in a rational sense. Say god exists for sure. And that he loves us and created us in his image and wants us to join him in Heaven, but gave us free will so that it was up to us where we spent eternity. Taking all that as fact, most of the major religions make god into some sort of cryptic sadist. Free will and faith are one thing, but putting us out in the world without so much as a hint as to what his will actually is, and then having multiple religions spring up shouting about how they're the only real true way to get to Heaven and expecting us to GUESS the right one correctly is not an action of a loving god. If that's god, he's a dick. He's playing three card monte with our eternal souls, only you don't even get to see where the queen of hearts started out. You just have to hope you pick the right card, then devote your life and structure your actions around it and cross your fingers that it's a winner. No thank you.

Speaking specifically of the Mormon religion, they make god into an even bigger asshole than the Judeo-Christian theologies. Not only is your god playing three card monte for our souls, but according to Mormons, up until a couple hundred years ago he was palming the queen of hearts and making sure you didn't have a single chance of making it to Heaven. Once again, no thank you. Oh and don't even get me started on that "Burning in the bosom" bullshit. You know what gives me that feeling? Beautiful sunsets, certain music, the feeling of waking up with the arms of a (same gender) person that I love wrapped around me... That feeling isn't a sign of anything except your own happiness. Shit, if the burning in the breast everything is awesome feeling were a sign from god then I would recommend taking ecstasy and listening to some crappy dj spin progressive trance. Your bosom will tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that said crappy dj is most definitely god. That doesn't mean you should listen to it.

I don't believe in god anymore. I believe in being a decent person because it's the right thing to do. Not because I think I'll be rewarded and/or punished after I die. Part of being decent is enjoying all the beauty and happiness in the world. And that includes knocking back a few glasses of wine and making out with a stranger on occasion. It includes spending my sundays drinking coffee and running around in my underwear, and maybe falling madly into bed with some girl who might just be a passing fling. If there is a god, and he made this whole world for us, I think he's probably sitting up in the clouds being horribly offended by the way we refuse to enjoy all the good things he made.

That's just my own personal philosophy though. I don't need religion to be happy. No one does. In the immortal words of Terry Pratchett, "Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe there are fairies at the bottom of it?"

Great post. I liked your story. Thanks.

TIME

Unloading your big bag of guilt and finding peace is a process rather than a desitnation. I am now 50 and "fell away" from Mormondumb in my early twenties. It is only in the last five years or so that I have truly found peace and happiness.

Even today, I catch myself falling into old mind traps. But at this point I am able to recognize it, stop myself, acknowledge what BS it is, then chuckle. It has taken three decades to develop those skills.

Good luck on your journey. It is worth it.

The fearful feelings that you sometimes have are not rational. They were purposely taught to you in order to gain your conformity with a big bunch of lies, and to get you to keep giving your money away.

In those moments, you just need to remind yourself that the lies were a manipulation, and the feelings are just leftovers from the manipulation to get your money.

I remember those feelings myself. The scary "what if it's really...." and during those times I'd use the rational mind to let the emotional mind know that it's leftover manipulation.

Eventually, the manipulation stopped working. The rational mind can outmaneuver the emotional one with some disciplined thinking. That is why the church is so against people using their intellect.

When those feelings come up, just revert back to the rational mind to talk yourself through the remnants of manipulation.

I don't "do guilt" for anymore than about three minutes to recognize my responsibility to fix something so that has never been a problem for me.

Hang ups? I don't think I developed those much either.
But I did live Mormonism as a total believer for several decades.

I have long ago made peace with all of my life. Part of that involved separating myself from the emotional attachment to the religious beliefs and releasing myself from the thinking scripts that went with them. I no longer considered myself a Mormon so I was totally free to stop thinking, believing, acting, dressing, eating, spending my time like one! :-)

I changed my mind. I changed my thoughts -- and that is extremely important.

I gave myself permission to take my power back and own it and not give others the power to ruin my day!

Nobody can offend me, even if they are offensive because in order to be offended one must TAKE offense, and I refuse!

We make peace with our lives by releasing ourselves from the core ties that connect us to the negativity, unhappiness, etc. what others did or said that bothered or hurt us, and replace it with an Attitude of Gratitude for everything I enjoy TODAY! The past is gone, there is no rule it has to be rehashed, repeated, relived. AHH..what a relief!

Making peace is partially about learning to Live in the moment. Any concerns or fears, or regrets are no longer necessary as yesterday and tomorrow (some after life, for instance) are not part of today.

Living with a peaceful, joyful, grateful attitude allows me to enjoy the day filled with laughter, and FUN with no recriminations or regrets or any need to beat myself up!

That's how I do it!

I haven't. I had it then. I have it now.

Maybe some people are more prone to guilt trips than others.

...has been to read up on the concept of "cognitive dissonance".

When I realized that often my feelings of guilt and fear were because my brain was trying to believe to opposite concepts at the same time...it helped immensely.

It's all based on lies, so therefore all guilt and hang-ups should sail away naturally once you realize this. It's more of the social and stigma fallout and sense of loss that might hurt.

That, and losing trust in anything religious...

If you remain Christian, focus on what Jesus supposedly taught. By following your heart, do you really think he would damn you?

2lilmonkeys, want to know something that really works? It did for me. First, build up all the knowledge you can about Mormonism, including history, old doctrine, new doctrine and secrecy. Then when you find yourself wondering, "What if it was?" You say this: "I am allowing myself to consider that the entire package of Mormonism is factual and consistent. Now, knowing what I know, can I say that the package is good? Can I say that it has my best interests at heart? Can I say that it is good for children to be taught those things?"

I had the most resounding "NO!" every time, and it really helped through the dark moments. Good luck.

Eventually it boils down to this- If it was good and righteous, the church would not try so hard to hide it. Rather, they would hold it up for all the world to see. Also it is said that by their fruits ye shall know them. And an evil tree cannot bear good fruit.

Are there any good fruits to polygamy? Only if you are a man and you think it will make you a god. But the fruits of polygamy are pain and fear, broken hearts and young men who must be thrown out of their communities in order for the men to have lots of wives.

Even in Joseph Smiths time, spiritual wifery was a great cause for dissention, broken homes, secretive practices and lying over the pulpit. Hardly the things of a loving Heavenly Father trying to establish the teachings of the Book of Mormon thoughout the world.

In the end, you just have to accept that even if it was the doings of the almighty Joseph Smith, it was wrong and he knew it. Otherwise he would not have preached over the pulpit that he wasn't doing it. Nor would he have had the Nauvoo Expositor destroyed for publishing his actions.

And besides, you could get excommunicated for doing the stuff that the Prophet and subsequent prophets have done. So why the guilt for rejecting those things?

Yes, easier said than done...

Thank you SO MUCH to all of you for your input! So many of you hit on things that have gone through my mind, but the fear has been a big road block for me. I'm going to keep all your responses so I can go back to them when I need comfort :)

I was brought up catholic. My parents and the parish I grew up in were by no means extreme or fundamentalist but somehow I got it in my head tin 23 years of living that I needed to be perfect, that anything less than perfection was unacceptable and would make me unworthy of my family's love and more importantly God's love and any shot at salvation. Naturally the image of mormonism appealed to me, a religious community that had (insane and almost impossible to meet) high standards and would be supportive in helpimg me live them. I knew the problems with their theology ahead of time but felt regardless that if I could live in a state of temple worthiness that perhaps I would be acceptable to God.

I came across this website and after sifting through posts for a day I started to have second thoughts and that night I felt something very strong saying "don't do this Roland... remember the place that makes you happy, there you will find what you're looking for" that of course was the Episcopal Church where I sang in the choir as an extra. It was the one and oly church I felt good about myself in.

Actually studying anglican theology,learning a very different concept of God, who loved you for who you were and just wanted you to suceed in being a caring and loving individdual and immersing myself in a community that loved me and supported me for who I was helped me move away from my perfection complex. That and meeting Rebekah, a devoted Epsicopalian and aspiring music minister, a woman of God and the woman of my dreams.

Then I found RfM. From there, I did a lot of reading and studying.

And then I got out.

I still have issues with guilt sometimes, but they were there long before I became a Mormon, so I don't consider that a Mormon issue.

I'm gradually learning to become indifferent to anybody's attempts to "guilt-trip" me for any reason. I'm quite capable of feeling guilty all by myself if I need to be. And then I do what I can to remedy the situation, and move on.

Good luck.