A few years ago I received a letter with a request from my ex-husband’s bishop. The ex-husband was requesting to be sealed to his new spouse in the temple.
I was ‘asked’ to give my ‘permission’ & tell the bishop the reason for our divorce. I guess in case there were minor children who required child support.
I mulled it over and instead of airing the dirty laundry of the past; I returned the letter with a statement that the ex-husband was free and clear to re-marry…into his precious Temple. The children were all grown and on their own.
I could have gone into much detail about how he stiffed our children on years of child support payments, never sent alimony, worked ‘under the table’ or did not work at all.
I paid for the children’s medical, dental and their extracurricular activities without any help from the ex. All while he slandered me (at church), berated me & just be the all-around cruel narcissist he always was.
I soon left church activity (& then church altogether) 1st because the ex-husband would contact the bishop of whatever ward I attended and spread rumors plus telling the bishops I was crazy. I was a convert of a very short time before I married him at 19-so the church was not that pivotal. My growing up family were really not very religious or close. I went to LDS church because I was invited to the youth activities. Then the missionaries came and you know the rest of the story.
The ex’s family first claimed to be ‘the family I never had’. But when we separated they discarded me, treating me and my children horribly.
So earlier this year the ex-husband & I both attended our oldest son’s PhD graduation ceremony. We put our differences aside for the good of our son. Afterwards during our little gathering outside in a nearby park gazebo for everyone who came; the ex-husband came to speak to me and informed me that he has a ‘small pension’ he cannot access because we are actually still married. Our divorce was never formally finished/settled and signed off by the family court judge.
What a shock to learn this - as it has been over 20 years since we ‘divorced’! As soon as I got back home-I found a good attorney and started the process of finishing the divorce. It is a vicious circle as the ex-husband only told me about the divorce status and the pension because he wants me to sign off and allow him to have all of the pension. I am entitled to ½.
But in order to access the pension he has to have documentation that he is divorced. But he won’t cooperate with my attorney and sign any paperwork to settle the divorce. He recently told our daughter that he wants me to leave him alone and not bother him. So as we go round and round with this issue-his current wife has no idea that technically they are not ‘legally’ married. Not legally or spiritually. They are essentially living in sin. LOL!
But this is the thing: I kind of want to write the ex-husband’s current bishop and spill the beans.
Tell the bishop that the ex-husband never finished the divorce. I also found out that he never filed for a final divorce decree from the lady he married after me before the woman he is married to now. Yikes!
So is he married to 3 women at one time or none?! It is all so complicated. I just wanted to wipe that smirk off his face if the bishop took away his precious Temple Recommend.
I know I will be patient and get things done legally (finally) with my attorney. We are all in our 60’s/70’s-we’re grandparents and now we have all this craziness. Thanks for listening/reading—any input from anyone’s experiences similar would be great.

I don't have any applicable advice or wisdom re: your legal marital status, but I totally empathize with your life experience and with the position you are in right now.

In a related kind of way, I've sort of "been there, done that."

You absolutely do need to see an attorney, preferably someone who has been recommended by someone YOU trust.

You might also check into the Elder Financial Abuse laws in your state. From what I understand about your situation, you may--under the laws of your state--now be a victim of Elder Financial Abuse (in addition to the complications of your legal marital status).

Your husband may possibly be guilty of felonies under your state's laws.

I very deeply wish you all the best.

In Utah, ghawd's laws (please excuse me) trump (I'm so sorry...) man's laws.

elderolddog Wrote:
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> In Utah, ghawd's laws (please excuse me) trump
> (I'm so sorry...) man's laws.

Even in a court of law?

Depends on the county.


Not to mention that I should never be taken seriously! Which I happen to be quite profundo of…

Under normal circumstances, I would never say, "Take him to the cleaners," but in this case, I think you'd be justified.

Follow your attorney's advice. I would not only go for half of his pension, but half of whatever else he has, or has coming to him. He never completed the process of divorce -- too bad, so sad. Not your problem!

I also think it would be a kindness if his subsequent "wives" knew that he was never free to marry them. How they find this out is up to you. Last I checked, bigamy is still illegal.

I'm wondering how the husband could have had two subsequent marriages without showing that he is legally divorced from his first wife.

I'm wondering that too, Nighty.

Annabelle, what a weird mess! I wonder why there aren't record checks before people are able to get legally married. So is he legally a bigamist? Did you also get married again?

I don't have any advice but it sounds like a lawyer thing.
I'm sure the bishop would be interested in this story, but really, what would it solve? It would feel good to get some revenge but I'd want to be the bigger person and not mess with his church relationships, no matter how goofy they are.

Good luck. You sound like a good mom. I'm glad you supported your son by not making a scene.

Nightingale Wrote:
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> I'm wondering how the husband could have had two
> subsequent marriages without showing that he is
> legally divorced from his first wife.

Nightingale:

To my knowledge (and at least in the states I am familiar with), no one down here has to show divorce papers at the time they apply for their marriage license--I don't think the question is even asked by the person issuing the marriage license. I don't remember that question being asked and I think I would have remembered if it happened.

I guess we're on what amounts to an honor system: If you apply for a marriage license then you are assumed to be legally free to marry [again].

There ARE laws against bigamy [being married to more than one person at any given time].



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2021 08:42PM by Tevai.

OP...I did the same. Thought about airing dirty laundry, telling the authority to pound sand because she's an adult, etc. In the end I simply didn't respond.

I realized that it makes no difference. Mormons going to do what mormons going to do.

The joke is on my ex. She's been married four or five years, he's physically abusive, and she's leaving him.

I say "joke" but not directed toward her. No woman should endure that kind of abuse. She's right to leave and I have offered any support (not monetary) that I can. The joke is on the church, which enables a-holes like her husband.

Bottom line: Don't rely on the church for anything. If you need support, go through a lawyer, counselor, or other means. Just not the enabler.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2021 08:23PM by txrancher.

You hold the power in this dynamic. He gets nothing unless and until you allow it. He's counting on you to cave and give him what he wants. Please do not give in. At some point, he'll see that you're stronger than he is, and that he has no choice in the matter. Wait him out; you've got nothing to lose.

I'm betting that it isn't a "small pension" either. He's just saying that to minimize it and to give you less of an incentive to demand your fair share.

I'd also seriously consider threatening him through your attorney that unless he quickly agrees to all your terms, you'll instruct your attorney to reveal his bigamy to his bishop, his other exes and the appropriate civil and law enforcement authorities. That will make him sweat bricks, but it's a fate he richly deserves. "Revenge is a dish best served cold."

Best of luck.

First. Assuming you have a top notch lawyer follow their advice.

Beware the double edged sword. You didn't mention if you remarried. Your own marriage may be legally questionable.

Same goes for the pension. My brother's ex after 30 years apart tried to get his pension even though their divorce agreement stated she couldn't. She wanted to renegotiate.

He said fine but... I get half of your pension.

She quickly backed off.

As far as tattling to the bishop. The bishop wouldn't care. He'd claim a paperwork snafu and shrug it off.

The "fun" thing to do would be show up at your ex's ward and introduce yourself as his wife!

Bishops don’t have the time to do what the church expects them to do let alone deal with past divorce drama. About all a bishop is good for is getting a month or two of help from the fast offering fund or access to the bishop’s storehouse. Other than that they aren’t much help. Their answers to your problems will always be read the scriptures, pray and attend your church meetings.

I have been in this situation. I had been sent papers and he told me it was final. Several years later I decided to remarry (I was reluctant and put him off for a while lol) and applied for a license only to be told that the final divorce papers were never filed. He was supposed to take care of it because he had a lawyer dealing with some of his other legal issues. They are supposed to check. I think in my instance it was easy because the first marriage, divorce and second marriage were all in the same county. He had a huge, expensive wedding a couple of years before in Hawaii that of course he let me know about even though we had no kids or other financial ties. He did it to be an ass. Time was of the essence for me because my fiancé traveled a LOT for work and it was a last minute thing we wanted to fit in over the long Thanksgiving weekend. I didn't want any more bull from him so I called when I knew they would not be home and left a message on the machine :) Oh XXXXXX, this is your WIFE because you never filed the final papers. Your girlfriend may think you are married but you are not. Oh, and you are also a bigamist. Do you know that can cost you a year in jail and 10K? As I hoped, she got home first and lit a might big fire under his ass. He called me (and was civil) right away and he had his butt at the courthouse the next day when they opened. He even Fed Exed the papers to me at his cost (shock).

In looking into the issue further, there are other things you need to check out. For one, he may be entitled to benefits under your Social Security. You may also be financially liable for things he has done. Take your half of the pension. You deserve it. You may need it to cover legal costs. After that, have it direct deposited into a savings account. Your kids may need it in the future and they are owed too. I wouldn't tell them about it, just keep it as an emergency fund.

I would 100% let the other two women know about it. For number 2 I would have your lawyer send her a nice letter. She needs to know so that she is legally covered. Same for number three. She may not be able to get SS benefits and she may really need them in the future. There may be other pensions she is depending on too. They have a right to know. And yes, I would also tell the bish. Your ex can't be counted on to be honest or do the right things. That temple marriage you were nice enough to sign off on will need to be redone. The bish will make him be accountable.

Wow. What a mess. For the OP, please note that you are likely entitled to half his pension, but you may also responsible for half his debts too. And it's the same with him.

All assets and debts of the marriage are equal in most circumstances so you need a good lawyer to sort this out, considering you are still married.

Everything Susan I/S said.

Wow, SusI/S. You handled that like a champ.

You make a good point. In a situation like that, it would be a good idea to check who is listed as the beneficiary for all those random accounts (mutual funds, insurances, employer benefits, etc.) that get started from various jobs over a lifetime.

    I suspect it was clever of me to never use my real name whenever I got married!!

That's because you were aware of the blasphemy laws.

In the Mormon church, women are second class citizens. Some guys take that the wrong way. Not that there is a right way, but times were different in the time of St Paul, who said wives should be subservient to their husbands as their husbands are subservient to the Lord. Or this philosophy was part of his problem, or he met the wrong one and went MGTOW, who knows?

Anyway, this guy sounds like a bully. If you let him push you around, he will push others around.

I've always known we weren't divorced. If you are "new" to the board, my husband is gay. We've been not a couple (live together now) for over 25 years. It was very ugly for about 10 years and he didn't pay child support or spousal support. I don't have a pension. He does. He also has a 401K, but guess who paid for the house for all those years by myself? The one with both our names on?

In the end, I don't think he'd fight me for half the house as he is nice to me now, but I don't want a divorce anyway in terms of why go through it now? I have a boyfriend of 16-1/2 years and he is now in a new relationship which is going really well. (He usually gets bored, but I'm hoping it lasts for his sake.)

We have a deal. He pays all the bills here and he pays most of what our son needs. He has mental illness. I'm working on filling out his disability papers right now. We have a good relationship.

My therapist told me I should go after the money as it is rightfully mine and my husband was shocked as he knows my therapist, but my therapist just went through a really horrible divorce and he had to agree to give her two-thirds of their assets in order to get out of the marriage--AND SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED THE DIVORCE.

My "ex" and his first boyfriend told me I couldn't get anything. It never occurred to me I'd get half his pension even though I know plenty of women who do get half the pensions (and men). My boyfriend's wife has millions (her dad's money, who is deceased) and she gets half my boyfriend's pension. He also had to pay her spousal support for 7 years. She wanted the divorce because she didn't want to share her inheritance with him. They had been married 26 years.

Anyway--one day it just occurred to me, as he was talking about his pension and whether to take a lump sum or monthly payments, and I said, "Hey, wait a minute, don't I get half of that?"

I don't feel the need to make him really suffer by taking all of it. He is a tightwad and there will be a lot of money left for our 2 kids when he dies, so I'm willing to go along with it. If he does anything stupid, I'll divorce him.

The only issue is is there anything he can take half of of yours? Just like this house. No way in hell I'll let him take half this house. I'd kill him first and I'm not kidding. He put me through enough. Spend my retirement years in prison. He knows I'd kill him actually. He was going to try to take custody of the kids back when he first left as his boyfriend wanted to have a little family. They also wanted to declare me crazy. Well, I was crazy with how they were treating me, which is one of the reasons I didn't divorce at the time. I didn't have the emotional energy with the abuse they were dishing out. But I told him if he tried to take the kids from me, I would DISAPPEAR--and I would have. And HE KNEW IT. And my dad would more than likely have done the killing for me.

anywhere, but at the time, he was so abusive to all of us that the kids didn't consider him their dad. My son still calls him his first name. If he pushed me hard enough, I would have done something drastic. My plan at the time was to kill the kids and myself, but I could never do it to them and I couldn't leave them behind by killing myself. I really was considering it. I never said anything to anyone for months about how bad things were for me. He is SO DAMN LUCKY I have anything to do with him. The kids have both thanked me for making peace as it was me who did the work. And now he lives with me and our son in the house I paid for. I do care about him and it would take a lot for me to decide to get rid of him, but they had pushed me almost far enough to do so.

He KNOWS he deserves whatever I would have decided to dish out, as do his gay friends and his workers. They've even told me how lucky he is to have me. He had everyone convinced I was the bad guy, too. And the church members always loved him as he is so nice to everyone else and they still do. I'm more antisocial.) For years, I wanted to stand on the roof and yell, "It wasn't my fault." I don't care now. They can think they want. The women still think they can change him to straight and if I'd just divorce him. No lie. That has happened.

But if he had tried to take my kids from me, really tried--I would have stopped it no matter what I had to do. I consider them mine. I did all the work.