Posted by:
cludgie
(
)
Date: October 17, 2021 02:28PM
This is actually a kind of new development in my family, coming after many years of scratching my head over inexplicable things my wife has done:
I've complained here in the past that my wife, while supposedly engaged to me, was having a secret sexual affair that started when she met a complete stranger who invited her to bed. It was not only just wrong, but it was dangerous. She had many sexual encounters with this guy, who was a complete stranger on the first encounter. She did it without using or even asking about protection, deciding to be sexually active without even bringing a condom to the table, not knowing where this guy's junk had been, actually refusing to learn who he actually was or anything about him, not even thinking about pregnancy, not thinking about an STI or STD until she actually had to be treated for one, not thinking about getting kicked out of BYU if she were caught, not thinking about getting kicked out of BYU if she got pregnant, not thinking about her parents' reaction to her coming home pregnant, not knowing what tack she'd take if she got pregnant or otherwise kicked out, or how it could ruin her plans for marrying me or any Mormon guy, etc. I had never encountered anything as foolish as what she did.
She has always claimed that she actually could not stand the guy, but couldn't refuse him, because he told her he wanted it and therefore she had to do it, "and for some reason I just did." As for me, for some reason I married her, anyway, after seeking help from my bishop. I don't want to go into reasons why, because today I feel like a complete fool for doing the church's "seven-step plan of forgiveness" thingie. I, sir, am an idiot.
While I believe that she hasn't done anything like that since, she has done a lot of inexplicable things based on someone just telling her to. It comes out in odd ways: If I have an idea about doing something, even if it is just a house repair, she may tell someone else--possibly even someone she never even met before--who may suggest that I not do what I had planned, and suggests something different. She'll then tell me adamantly not to do what I planned to, because man-on-the-street--now a perceived authority--suggested that I do something else. This infuriates me, mostly because she often doesn't believe in me or support me, but will believe in and take the word of man-on-the-street, or woman-on-the-street, or man at sacrament meeting, or woman at sacrament meeting, whatever.
Her mother had an abysmal self-image, and was completely deferential to anyone she believed to be better than she--which was everybody. Whatever bidding her husband or any church leader had, she felt obligated to do it, no questions asked. So just a couple of days ago, my similarly very deferential wife was telling our oldest daughter about her very deferential mother, and told my daughter that, as she was growing up, every so often her mother would sternly shake her finger at her and say, "Whatever someone tells you to do, you just do it!" Hearing that story was an eye-opener. I had never heard her tell that story, and I immediately know how things happened the way they did.
So here we are some 50 years later, and although there have been plenty of good times, I still see danger lurking for her. I still see her suddenly doing something stupid, and then feeling guilty about it afterwards. I still see the possibility of some random bishop telling her to do something, and her just doing it. I still see my wife doing what anyone perceived authority figure (i.e., apparently any man or a woman) tells her to do. It has caused a lifetime of trust issues.
Therein must lie the reason she will occasionally do impossibly stupid things. She still is on the path to listen to and do whatever anyone tells her to. Combine this with a church that values obedience above all else, that has whole groups of men in perceived authority telling others to do whatever, and there's a recipe for a potentially dangerous outcome.
Does anyone here know of similar cases? Of blind obedience to perceived authority, and not thinking about outcomes?
Postscript: Fast-forward to 2015; I inadvertently saw in the Salt Lake Tribune that this former f*ck-buddy of hers had suddenly passed away. His obit made a point of saying that he was a "faithful Latter-day Saint." I, on the other hand, resigned my membership in 2009, which made her think I had gone off the rails and ruined our lives, which caused her to think that perhaps she should divorce me. Weird, how things like that work out.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/18/2021 01:23AM by cludgie.