finally wished us a happy anniversary. As of today, I have been married to her dad for 18 years. It’s also her brother’s 33rd birthday.

She also gifted us a book of classic rock guitar chords. Some of the songs are not Mormon friendly.

If you know me, you know this is a big deal. I am in pleasant shock.

By the way... I am delighted to be married to my husband. He is the best. I can’t wait until we’re celebrating year 36. ;) I have no doubt we will, either.

This is wonderful news, knothead. Congratulations to you and especially to your husband!

That's awesome! Happy anniversary!

Happy for you. Long time coming.

I think you got the only good news for 2020. :)

Sadly, we have had some heartache. My husband lost his dad and his aunt in less than a week. And I lost a cousin on Saturday.

2020 probably sucked much less for us than many people, though, and I know it. And we are especially happy about younger SD. Her sister remains estranged, but at least we know that all the horrible shit over the years wasn’t our imagination.

That is pretty huge.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/16/2020 06:03PM by knotheadusc.

Sorry for the sad news, and happy for the good news.
I’ve followed your story here for quite a while now.
Family strife can be very difficult.

Thank you. It’s been such a strange year that I try to find happiness where I can find it!

I don't think I ever wished my dad and his second wife (my stepmom) a happy anniversary. I also don't remember wishing my mom and stepdad a happy anniversary. Quite frankly, I didn't care. I had 7 new step siblings and for a while tried to please everyone on the holidays. It was so stressful. My stepmom was a witch and I didn't think my mom and stepdad had a particularly happy marriage. They eventually divorced. I don't think children need to keep track of second marriage anniversaries.

I don’t either. But I am very happy that she did, especially under the circumstances in our specific case.

heartbroken Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I don't think I ever wished my dad and his second
> wife (my stepmom) a happy anniversary. I also
> don't remember wishing my mom and stepdad a happy
> anniversary. Quite frankly, I didn't care. I had 7
> new step siblings and for a while tried to please
> everyone on the holidays. It was so stressful. My
> stepmom was a witch and I didn't think my mom and
> stepdad had a particularly happy marriage. They
> eventually divorced.


I don't think children need
> to keep track of second marriage anniversaries.

I agree.

I guess I shouldn’t have written “finally” as if I expected her to wish us a happy anniversary. It’s just that my husband had absolutely no relationship with her for so many years. She didn’t acknowledge or speak to him at all.

I’m just glad they’re speaking again. That’s all.

That's nice progress. Sometimes all you can do is wait and hope that people we see the truth, and/or do the right thing. I'm glad your husband's daughter seems to be coming around.

I'm not much for anniversaries either, not even my own. Don't tell my worse half. However . . .

The way you put it was perfect. Anyone who knows your story knows that it was the acknowledgement of you being a loving couple, "at last" being even on the daughter's radar, that gives the word "finally" its weight.

The reason for this happening---the anniversary--is besiDe the point. It was a perfect time for daughter to express her feelings of acceptance.

Thank you. That’s exactly what I meant.

I tend to be a bit gun shy sometimes when I write about this. There have been times in the past when people on this forum either haven’t believed my story or want to project their negative stepparent situations on me. It’s true that I don’t know what it’s like to be a stepchild. I am sure it’s very challenging for a lot of people. But I never even got the chance to know my husband’s kids, let alone mess up or influence their lives in any way. ;) Truth be told, I am about 99% sure I would have been a better parent to them than their mother has been, given the opportunity.

It’s just so nice to be able to write positive updates about this particular situation, for once. As much as I dislike Mormonism, I credit good church members for helping my husband’s younger daughter escape her mother. The Army did the same for my husband when he and his ex wife split up.

Anyway... younger daughter is a delight. I hope someday, we will get to know each other better.

Blended families can be tough. My dad was pretty decent after my parents split up, for a year or so, and then he married a woman half his age and basically went AWOL, quit paying child support, etc.

My step mother was greedy, supplied my dad's narcissism. Their golden child, who was gonna do everything "right," unlike all the "failures" from his first marriage, is her own sort of monster and, FWIW, officially diagnosed antisocial personality disorder.

I don't know if being the redheaded stepchild "prepared" me to be a step-dad, but I wound up with the two most awesome girls in the world, and ultimately adopted them. My wife passed away 3 years ago, but I'm blessed with two awesome daughters. Being dad is the best thing I've ever done.


So... I'd say these things are to be taken case-by-case. I don't think I ever wished my dad and stepmother a happy anniversary. I wasn't even invited to their wedding. My girls were included and prominent in mine. We find love where we can, and our families are who they are, who we choose. Blood is NOT thicker than water.

I agree with you, often the "family" we build is stronger than the one we were born into. You are a good step dad :)

And Knotty, I must say that I am in shock too. I am so happy for you! Maybe the loss of her grandfather made her wake up and realize her father will not be here forever either. It took my hubby's near death experience and being in ICU (that they didn't think he would make it out of) to bring his daughter around. Not to me lol, but to even call her father for his birthday and Father's Day.

Susan I/S Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I agree with you, often the "family" we build is
> stronger than the one we were born into. You are
> a good step dad :)
>
> And Knotty, I must say that I am in shock too. I
> am so happy for you! Maybe the loss of her
> grandfather made her wake up and realize her
> father will not be here forever either. It took
> my hubby's near death experience and being in ICU
> (that they didn't think he would make it out of)
> to bring his daughter around. Not to me lol, but
> to even call her father for his birthday and
> Father's Day.

Actually, this post was about the younger daughter, who has been talking to him. The older one remains estranged. But that is her choice. It would be nice if she reconnects, but we don’t expect her to. She has to live her own life on her terms.

Oh I know. I just meant that the grandfather's death may have made her appreciate her Dad more and that she appreciates your relationship too :)

Susan I/S Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I agree with you, often the "family" we build is
> stronger than the one we were born into.

Yes it is! And thank goodness we have a chance to escape toxic families.

> You are a good step dad :)

Thanks, Susan I/S! I give it my best, but, TBH, my girls have made it very easy.

I don’t have any stepparents. My parents stayed together for 56 years. But my dad was an abusive alcoholic who had PTSD and sometimes got violent.

My husband had two different stepfathers. The first one didn’t like him at all and only married my MIL because he was secretly transgendered and wanted her to help him become a woman. That marriage only lasted about four or five years, thank God, although it was a significant part of his childhood.

The second stepfather was a lot better, but a bit irresponsible with money. That marriage also ended in divorce after about a dozen years.

My husband’s stepmother married his dad and they stayed together for forty years, until he died on November 8th. She’s not a bad person, but she took my husband’s ex wife’s side and aided and abetted in the parental alienation campaign.

I never had a chance to be a stepmother to my husband’s children, because they were extremely alienated and kept from us. It was only a few years ago that the younger one finally started talking to my husband again. They compared notes and realized that they both endured the same abusive treatment from my husband’s narcissistic ex wife.

It’s been really amazing to see them bond. When he finally got to see his daughter again this year and meet his grandchildren, it was as if the years of estrangement never happened. I never thought they would reconnect. I thought that relationship might be gone forever.

So the fact that she speaks to him at all is a miracle to me. That she thinks enough of us to wish us a happy anniversary and send a gift is more than I ever could have dreamed of. It makes me very happy.

Good news is good news. :)

Gordon B. Stinky Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Blended families can be tough. My dad was pretty
> decent after my parents split up, for a year or
> so, and then he married a woman half his age and
> basically went AWOL, quit paying child support,
> etc.
>
> My step mother was greedy, supplied my dad's
> narcissism. Their golden child, who was gonna do
> everything "right," unlike all the "failures" from
> his first marriage, is her own sort of monster
> and, FWIW, officially diagnosed antisocial
> personality disorder.
>
> I don't know if being the redheaded stepchild
> "prepared" me to be a step-dad, but I wound up
> with the two most awesome girls in the world, and
> ultimately adopted them. My wife passed away 3
> years ago, but I'm blessed with two awesome
> daughters. Being dad is the best thing I've ever
> done.
>
>
> So... I'd say these things are to be taken
> case-by-case. I don't think I ever wished my dad
> and stepmother a happy anniversary. I wasn't even
> invited to their wedding. My girls were included
> and prominent in mine. We find love where we can,
> and our families are who they are, who we choose.
> Blood is NOT thicker than water.

You sound like a wonderful, empathetic dad, Gordon B. Stinky. Your daughters are very blessed to have you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/17/2020 12:53AM by knotheadusc.

Thanks for the kind words, knotheadusc. I'm sure you'd have been a good influence on your step daughters if given the chance. From what I recall, it's their mother who made everything difficult and awkward.

My dad and stepmother made my relationship difficult with my mother. For example, I wasn't allowed to give her the home phone number, and to talk to her I'd have to go to a pay phone somewhere (closest was about 1/2 mile walk). That's unthinkable by today's standards, but that was back in the 1980s.

Anyway, I don't mean to make this all about me. One thing I learned though is that adults not not only ruin each other's lives, but they can (and do) ruin children's lives too. And that's really sad.

Yes... you see, your example from your experience is what I mean. I never had that experience with stepparents. My husband’s parents, even though they split, were really good people. It was the new spouses that made it hard. I guess I understand why people are skeptical.

But really, I never wanted to make anyone’s life harder. I simply married a man who was legally divorced. I had nothing to do with breaking up the marriage, although I was blamed for it. Thankfully, younger stepdaughter was smart enough to know her mother was lying. She actually made a point of asking my husband how we met.

I didn’t know much when we met about Mormons, narcissism, or divorce, despite having finished master’s degrees in social work and public health. This is not something I was taught in school or by experience. But I am basically a decent person and I wanted so much to love my husband’s daughters as much as I knew he loved them. It broke my heart that I never had a chance when they were growing up. And I never thought I would have a chance now that they’re grown.

knotheadusc Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I guess I understand why people are skeptical.


Just to be clear, I'm not skeptical. I've read your posts over the years. I have no doubt that your husband was lucky to escape his ex, and that he and the kids have been victimized by the ex (and, of course, what hurts him hurts you, probably directly but at least indirectly). And to the extent that the ex has been able to destroy and/or prevent relationships, everyone loses.


I guess my overarching point is that each situation is different. Some good. Some bad. Some in between.

I didn’t get the impression that you were skeptical. Your posts are kind and supportive. I meant other people over the years, before people got to know me. Our situation used to be more on topic and a lot more distressing (when the kids were minors), so I posted about it more often. It was also pre-Facebook. I think seeing us on Facebook helped people get more of a sense of the type of people we are. I noticed a change in attitude then.

I used to get a lot of anguished comments from children of divorce who seemed to think all stepparents are the same. Some people even accused me of making up my story. Believe me, I wish I had. I still sometimes get comments chastising me for not being sensitive enough to the plight of stepchildren. The comment that I shouldn’t “expect” my husband’s daughter to wish us a happy anniversary was a bit triggering. My point was that I didn’t expect her to, and was pleased. That’s why I posted.

Anyway, I quit thinking of myself as a stepparent many years ago. It’s less painful that way.

Thank you for being kind and sharing your experiences. I appreciate it very much.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/18/2020 12:13AM by knotheadusc.

I'm rather erratic about remember anniversaries, but that's a timely reminder to spread some goodwill. I'm glad that things are going well with that daughter.

I'm happy for you. In my family, the fact that one of us 10 siblings is divorced is a huge pain point for our parents. I'd like to think that we would accept a new spouse. I know I would. I think most of my siblings would. My mother would love for our divorced sibling to remarry. She hated the old one but has estranged most of her in-laws. Funny how marriage (temple and civil as a byproduct of temple marriage) is seen as the saving ceremony and condition for Mormons. Sad really.

Huge news. Congrats!

Thanks so much!

Good news is glorious here. Thank you.

And today, we received a lovely Valentine from the whole family… to include her husband, their son and daughter, and the baby boy who is due in June.

Also, younger daughter addressed the envelope to both of us.

So there is hope. I never thought I would see the day.

Good news. I hope all the wounds are continuing to heal, and bonds are growing stronger.

My husband’s daughter is a really good mom, and I can tell she wants for her kids what she didn’t have.

To be honest, I never thought this would happen, because she was the first to reject my husband. She said she was afraid to talk to him because of what she’d heard. But now that they’re talking and comparing notes, I think she will stick around.

I love that she’s developed a relationship with my mother in law, too, who had been cut out of her life because the Ex hates her. I think it’s because she was on my husband’s side and didn’t buy into the “abusive husband” bullshit story she was telling.

I've noticed a lot of my TBM mormon friends have seemed to have mellowed during the pandemic. Some have been given a lot of reason to see things in a different light.

knotheadusc Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> finally wished us a happy anniversary. As of
> today, I have been married to her dad for 18
> years. It’s also her brother’s 33rd
> birthday.
>
> She also gifted us a book of classic rock guitar
> chords. Some of the songs are not Mormon
> friendly.
>
> If you know me, you know this is a big deal. I am
> in pleasant shock.
>
> By the way... I am delighted to be married to my
> husband. He is the best. I can’t wait until
> we’re celebrating year 36. ;) I have no doubt
> we will, either.

I wish you the best.
We were married 56 years then my wife contracted lung cancer and died.
I still believe that it was a result of living in the radioactive fallout in St George Utah but osf course there is no way to prove that

I am very sorry for your loss.

My parents were also married 56 years. My dad got Lewy Body Dementia and died at age 81. It was tough on my mom, but she’s learned to thrive and, in fact, is a different person on her own. Still, it’s hard to lose a partner, especially after so many years.

So happy for you. I remember your story well. Yay!

Thank you. I only post about it because I never thought it would happen.

Also, I want to offer hope to those who are going through what we did.

Maybe you are winning her over by living well. Maybe she is realizing that the church does not have a monopoly on happiness. Maybe she realizes she was being petty. Maybe she sees the church made her mean.

I hope things continue to improve!
Thanks for sharing this positive news.

I've been married to my second wife for 25 years. On our 20th, my daughter called her Mom and made her thank my present wife for raising her children. My ex-wife actually called my wife and thanked her. I was shocked but happy about it.

Your ex wife sounds like a much better person than my husband’s ex is.

I wish I had been able to know my husband’s children when they were growing up.

Knothead,

Just so you know it wasn't always like that. There were some hard times dealing with her.

I didn’t assume that there weren’t difficulties and hope I didn’t imply that. I just meant that the very fact that your daughter felt she could ask her mom to call your wife and thank her is remarkable. In our situation, that would never happen.

My husband’s ex wife did not allow him *any* access whatsoever to his daughters. She also abused him to the point at which my husband’s younger daughter astutely recognized him as a victim of domestic violence. Your situation is likely different than ours is, if only because that phone call ever happened.