My younger brother's apology was the only sincere one though. He said he doesn't judge me the way he once did (big time sinner who uses intellectual posturing to justify himself, blagh you know the story). He has behaved himself except for recently when he said he thought I was unhappy but he quickly recanted. It seems he tried hard to be nice but still judges harshly below the surface.

My parents are a different story. They have said the most viciously terrible things to me, such as indicating that I only became an at-home dad to avoid working. Insulting enough alone, it was a big reminder that my dad still views being with your kids as flaking out of parenting duties.

this is a guy who when a 9-year-old Testiphony said that our time on earth is so small that it seems silly to devote so much energy to it, responded by citing the leader of the Hale-Bopp suicide cult, that he thought the way I did. He also left me nothing but a greeting card when I was 9 saying he was going to work out of state and visit home on the weekends. Small potatoes compared to others but my sibs and I suffered gross parental negligence as kids and my parents still say incredibly mean things.

But they have behaved for the most part for the last year or so. I had to give them an ultimatum that I would cut off contact if they didn't acknowledge their abuse and apologize. I sent an email divided into sections because I knew they would simply ignore it or blame me for everything. that way when they tried to get around something or ignore it I could simply say our relationship was in abeyance and they should consult section 2 paragraph 2, etc.

They ended up apologizing while holding their noses, and the apology was as weak as it could possibly be while still meeting my criteria.

Anyway, we talk about various things and they don't bring up church or any of my life decisions. But I don't enjoy talking to them, it just makes me sick to my stomach and seems to keep the wounds fresh. They've sort of apologized and they are trying very hard to be good and I want them in my life but the wounds are just still there.

This feeling is somewhat new. As of a couple months ago I would feel good after talking to my parents on the phone, but not anymore. There was no corresponding event to blame. Right now I'm just trying to minimize contact and put more of the burden on them to call and visit (we live 800 miles apart).

Anyway, I'm basically just venting so I appreciate anyone taking the time to read it. It's just a damn shame, this corrupt Mormon social system. Such a shame. I used to like my brother and my dad. They're just aliens to me now. I suspect they feel the same way about me. My brother recently said that he "can't figure me out."

It's so unfortunate that all this emotional discord is necessary for them to protect their worldview and perceived source of wellness. Often I tell myself that as families get older they start to see each other differently and grow apart as a normal part of life, Mormon or not. It helps me feel more normal.

That is a good plan to let them contact you. The more you can converse without Mormonism coming up, the easier it will get. And if they can't do that, then the only solution is to send them a card at appropriate holidays/birthdays and don't talk on the phone. If brother needs to figure you out before conversing on anything, then he must research the "church". Only then will he be successful. I hope you can have them in your life even if it is at arms length....yes, you are far apart geographically but if you can talk in emails, on the phone or texting and things go well, you can probably come to some sort of acceptable communication. You are the one who must make clear what the boundaries are.

I'd say it's time to cut off all contact with them with a final note saying that they have one, and only one, chance to SINCERELY apologize for everything they've done to you. If they don't, then send a note saying "Good-bye" and block their e-mails, phone calls, EVERYTHING. Maybe when they get their stuff bounced back to them, when they cannot connect with you at all, etc., then maybe they'll realize they did something wrong. MAYBE.

I wish you good luck.

It's not going to happen either. Step back a bit more. Accept they are who they are and what they are and appreciate any good they did in your life. Then move on in your life without the agravation and lack of genuine caring.

I don't know that you need to say anything to them (but you can if it helps you feel better) but just finding other people to hang with and be friends with will help you to not notice your parents or siblings attitudes toward you so much. Let those attitudes be THEIR problem. Don't buy into making their attitudes your problem

Your happiness is not dependent on them or their opinions, the same as their happiness is not dependent on you, your beliefs or opinions. If you feel awkward or sad being around them, then cease to put yourself in that situation.

Lots of wonderful people out there. Just saying... and hugs to you during this time of transition,



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2011 11:28AM by dane.

Yes, connecting with friends has been a lifeline. Plus my exmo DW's family was absolutely wonderful with us renouncing Mormonism, even allows us to vent to them about problems with Mo'ism itself. They were always liberal Mormons.

I knew leaving Utah would be socially difficult, but knew we had to get out of there and not raise our kids in that culture. I don't have many friends but the ones I do have are awesome. Ironically I met these people on my mission. One of them I used to go bible-bashing against pastors with and now he's an exmo. So I count my blessings that I have friends and even have the shared Mormon experience with one. I don't really believe in a divine force's interest in my life, but the lifelines that have come my way (including this board) almost seem like the universe has my back or something.