I've been out of the church for a few months now and am becoming more and more comfortable with it every day. My wife and two children still attend every sunday. I'm a convert, nobody else on my side of the family is a member so they don't care if I go to church or not. But my wife's side are all TBM, some very, very TBM. She hasn't told them yet, says it's my responsibility. I never really talk to them except at family functions. it would be unusual for me to just call them up on the phone to talk. They all live pretty far away from here. But at some point they are going to have to learn about my decision not to attend church anymore. I know my mother-in-law will be very judgemental and make things hard on my wife, she didn't want her daughter marrying a convert that she met outside of Utah in the first place, too risky (in spite of the fact that she herself was a convert not in Utah).

My idea was to send them all an email with a minimum amount of details and let them know that I'd be happy to talk more about it with them if they would like to know more. My wife doesn't like that idea but offers no alternatives. Anybody in my situation have any suggestions for how to tell her side of the family? An email? Phne calls? I joked that maybe I could just post something about it on my facebook wall, tell all my church friends and family at the same time.

I wouldn't bother. They will figure it out on their own... on due time.. or they will ignore reality. Whichever. I know in my case it sealed my doom by telling my wife's family.

They were from that moment tying to convince my wife to ditch me. And eventually.. they won out.

Why tell them?

Hopefully your wife is supportive of you and your decision. Her family is probably going to freak out. I'm sorry to say this, but it's simply the way it is. My fil is one of the smartest, level-headed people I know, but his response to my apostasy has been terrible. He has been on school boards, was a county commissioner and has a reputation for being fair minded and able to see all sides of the argument...but not when it comes to me not wanting to be part of the church.

Personally, I favor the email approach and and giving the least amount of info as possible and then not answer their phone calls for a few days if they try to call. In the email tell them that you are 100% committed to your marriage and being a good dad (many TBMs assume if you want out of the church then you want out of your 'eternal marriage' too). I hope your wife is not easily swayed because they may encourage her to divorce you...just sayin'.

My father-in-law is smart but not level-headed. He's very one sided on all aspects of his life and especially politics and church. And he's become more that way since he retired. I have no idea how he'll react but I'm sure it won't be positive.

My wife has been supportive so far, has let me do what I need to do. She has said that if anybody (bishop, stake president, family) councils her to leave me to find a "worthy" husband, she would smack them in the head and walk out. This hasn't been easy for her, but she's been by my side.

onlyme Wrote:
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> She hasn't told
> them yet, says it's my responsibility.

That's BULLSHIT! Mrs. jon1 (who is a nevermo) and I have an agreement. I handle the craziness in my family, and she handles the craziness in hers. It makes sure that we have relativly good relations with our inlaws. My family thinks I'm the difficult one, and love her, and her family is the opposite. It also puts a united front up to both families ***IMPORTANT***. What I say to my family she backs up 100%, and the same for hers. WE ARE THE TEAM, not she with them, and me with mine!

If Mrs. onlyme would like your advice on how to tell them(or not tell them. It's none of their business.) that's fine, but it's her families problem, her responsibility.

Furthermore, as a general rule, it is the man's responsibility to handle his family and his DW's responsibility to handle her family, with both spouses backing each other up 100%. Jon1 is absolutely right about all of these points!

DW should be the one to tell them. If that just is not going to happen, then at least she should be with you as you talk to her parents, having agreed IN ADVANCE to back you up 100%.

Good luck, onlyme! Keep us posted.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/14/2011 12:40AM by WiserWomanNow.

Totally agree. I let my DH deal with his crazy ass TBM family.

Why do they need to know anyway? Mine went like this:

"I'm at the starbucks drive thru getting WickedTwin a latte."
"I am driving tonight so WT can have a few drinks."

When they came out here, I ordered coffee. I wore a tank top.

When they pressed DH about if he was concerned he said he was not and it shouldn't concern them either.

End of story. No official "coming out."

We do deal with our own families as I think it should be.

This is one of the areas I don't understand. The need to make a fuss about it, send out emails or letters. I'm a nevermo, never joined, never really talked to anyone besides the Jackmo spouse about it (uber TBM family), which I'm sugar-coating --the whole Mo/noMo thing was a nightmare, but I never thought at any point I needed to get all the extended fam involved, which they tend to do anyway, but still, it just wasn't a place I was planning to go. Why do you have to make it all "official" and send an email and all that? It seems your wife is okay with all this, so why open up that can o' worms? It'll come out through conversation eventually, I guess. The mo/exmo thing is hard to understand sometimes. The letter writing thing always feels like a "why is it anyone else's business" sort of thing. I dunno. I'm not speaking with experience here, but is it truly necessary to send correspondance? Maybe let nature take its course, so to speak?

I grew up in a world where religion was personal, even to the point you didn't ask a person's religion or concern yourself over their church going practices or which flavor of God they subscribed to...if at all. Even if you didn't agree with their beleifs, it was none of your business. It was considered rude...same for politics. You only discussed these things with people you knew well. I was floored at the number of people who inquired about my religiousity within the Mormon sphere when I was only meeting them for the first time, but despite this lack of boundaries, it was just not a topic I ever discussed or debated about with the family. The spouse is different, and certainly there will be some overlap with friends and family, but it's really just about me, my spouse, my kids, my family, and considering the drama that can come from this, is it worth it? Can you just let nature take it's course here? Do you need to get all official with phone calls or emails, or just let it come out in the course of communication, answer questions accordingly?

I agree with this approach. I never came out officially to the TBM inlaws but if they are visiting I don't change my lifestyle because it makes them uncomfortable. I still wear my tank tops, have my morning coffee, etc.

They gossip behind my back and speculate a lot about me but they have NEVER said anything to my face. But yeah, they know.

goldenrule Wrote:
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> I agree with this approach. I never came out
> officially to the TBM inlaws but if they are
> visiting I don't change my lifestyle because it
> makes them uncomfortable. I still wear my tank
> tops, have my morning coffee, etc.
>
> They gossip behind my back and speculate a lot
> about me but they have NEVER said anything to my
> face. But yeah, they know.

My non-mormon-ness was always out there, but if we were hosting the family meal in our home or a TBM in-law was stopping by, there was always a mad scramble to hide the coffee pot and anything Mormons consider offensive...until I tired of the whole thing. I didn't see a whole lot of Mormons doing a mad scramble to hide their lifestyle from me, a non-beleiver. It's a coffee pot and a cross...deal with it...or sterilize your home for my comfort; let's make it even-stevens.

Seriously, some of this crap with mo/no-mo/exmo is so stupid, and the ones that *create* this drama are the Mormons. I have never experienced this level of eggshells and tippy-toes with anyone else.

Yep, and there's the passive-aggressive, behind the back discussion and gossip...no one brought anything up to me, personally, either.

If you have not, I would suggest you read up on how cults control people. One tool the LDS uses to control the individual is to use the family as a weapon against the individual. The LDS faithful are trained to apply huge amounts of pressure and guilt on the family member that is having doubts or is leaving the cult.

Dealing with the issue in advance of family get togethers may be the best way to be able to control the situation.

Why does anyone need to say anything? I wouldn't worry about it.

But if your wife feels they should know, she should be the one to tell them.

I would say it is none of their business. If your wife is cool with you, go about your business. Who cares if they know? I make it a policy not to tell parents anything that is not need-to-know. I don't inform them of every kiddie sniffle, and I answered questions about me leaving the church when they are asked. Other than that it is none of their business. They don't ask, I don't volunteer information. Over the years, they have seen me wearing tank tops, talk about attending other churches, and drink coffee. They don't want to know why I left the church, and I am of the opinion that if I tell them all the things that are false about the church it will go right over their heads and only damage our relationship.

Thanks for all the feeback. I go back and forth between just waiting for my lack of church attendance to come up naturally in the course of things and being proactive so I can have the conversations with them on my own terms.

I'll have to have another conversation with my wife and see what she prefers again. I know early on she said that I should tell them, but maybe that's changed.

onlyme Wrote:
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> Thanks for all the feeback. I go back and forth
> between just waiting for my lack of church
> attendance to come up naturally in the course of
> things and being proactive so I can have the
> conversations with them on my own terms.
>
> I'll have to have another conversation with my
> wife and see what she prefers again. I know early
> on she said that I should tell them, but maybe
> that's changed.

I'm under the impression that your wife doesn't feel the same pressure and need to send a letter to your family, the nonMormons, and sit back and wait for the aftermath with a need to defend herself...why is that?

Something to think about.

According to your story, you only talk to them at family functions. In that case, they will find out at a family function where her whole family will find out at once and her whole family could start freaking out at you all at once and all in the same room. Short of leaving the event, it is likely that you would have little ability to control or even influence the events in such a situation.

Being proactive, you can do it from a distance, a distance that would help you manage the craziness. A distance that would help insulate you from any craziness that may ensue.

That's exactly what I would like to avoid and the main reason why I would be proactive.

They do live close, they will not find out unless you or your wife tells them.

You do not 'owe' them any confession or explaination.

Just leave it alone, it can only hurt you. It cannot help you.

I have conditioned myself to automatically reject any advice that includes the phrase "leave it alone". It reminds me too much of general conference.

onlyme Wrote:
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> I've been out of the church for a few months now
> and am becoming more and more comfortable with it
> every day. My wife and two children still attend
> every sunday. I'm a convert, nobody else on my
> side of the family is a member so they don't care
> if I go to church or not. But my wife's side are
> all TBM, some very, very TBM. She hasn't told
> them yet, says it's my responsibility.

I have no real advice about this and have seen others post similar questions re: letting "the family" know of your own personal decision re: religion...but I have a question for everyone...

Is mormonism the only religion where people feel compelled to "let their family know" that they are no longer a mormon??

Do Catholics, Jews, Fundy-bible thumpers ever have to do this?

I definitely go with the consensus already given. You should not feel an obligation to tell them. If it won't help your relationship with them, and if there is little to no chance that you could help them see the light,... there is no reason to make waves.

Live your own life. Don't act like you need anyone elses permission to quit participating in something you know to be BS.

I was in a similar predicament, unsure how or if I should tell my relatives about what I really thought about their church. This is what I did:

I framed and hung my dodge letter so it's the first thing you see when you come in the front door. When people see it and have questions I'm happy to answer them. If someone has a problem with it they are welcome to leave. No-one has ever had a problem.

This way people know I'm not Mormon, and that not being a Mormon is important to me, and I don't have to directly tell them (it's awkward when someone directly confronts them about questioning their magic man in the sky).

For me it works great!

Don't make an issue of it with your in-laws. If you do, you run the risk that it will their excuse for interferring with your marriage and your children.

They will probably find out eventually; but the longer they don't know, the less damage they can do and the stronger your understanding with your wife can become.

Besides, they are her parents, not yours. It's her job to tell them what you want them to know, if anything.

Just be quiet about it. It's really not something they need to be concerned about. Once you open your mouth, depending on the people, you may never hear the end of it.

I'm for making a very short list of "need to know" folks and keeping any non-belief from the rest of the "tribe" as it's your life, your family, and they tend to be too intrusive anyhow.

What do they need to know for? Really.

I'm for keeping private things private!

I have known probably over 100 people that were inactive, or just never attended and I don't have a clue why and wouldn't think of asking them why. It's just none of my business.

When DW and I resigned we told our parents in our own way. If it had just been me leaving DW would have been left to make any formal anouncements to her family. If she refrained they would have figured it out in due time. If it had just been her I would not have even bothered to mention it to anyone in my fam unless the subject somehow arose in the course of normal conversation.I say, live an authentic life and when they figure things out they will figure things out. If they weren't important enough to consult before the fact they don't need to be on a fast track to learn the news after the deed is done. Nature will take it's course without your help, my advice is to make the best of your newly realized freedom and care less about the opinions of people who don't even share the same house with you.

You are still letting them have control over you by using their B.S. lingo.

Do you want to be known as an apostate ?

Only in Mormondom does a person's spirituality become everybody's business with people assessing and activating and taking it for granted that one's attendance is indicative of anything of importance.

The cult cares because the energy of everyone around me believing is what keeps the nonsense seeming believable.

Now that you are backing away, I'm sure you can see this very clearly. What isn't often clear is when one's behavior is cultish or normal.

I went through a big spiritual change some six years ago. I made no announcements whatsoever, understanding that the need to stand up and announce, "I have found/abandoned/embraced/discarded spiritual truth" comes from ego and from society's need to be reinforced. I wanted to see how long it would take for my behavior to change, and then how long it would take for my family to notice.

Three years. It took three years before the first person said, "Something's different about you." Most people are thinking of themselves, their next opportunity to drink a soda, watch the game, have sex, get a mani-pedi, whatever." It takes a lot of pressure off you when you realize this.

The only reason Mormons harrass anyone is the church makes them. God knows they're as self-centered as the rest of us. So--regarding your situation. If you say anything, you might as well run into the middle of the ring waving a red flag at the bull. The family members then feel like they have to do something because you announced something. They have to stand up for what they believe and denounce you--if not to you then to your wife. Why put yourself or her through that?

What could be more personal than your spirituality? If you decided to stop having sex, or to stop trying for another baby, would you email them? NO! So don't. This is personal. If someone asks, tell them you're thinking things over and going through some inner reflection. It is really none of their business.

Only in the cult is your spirituality the business of distant family members. If you make sure your wife is happy (and that's a whole other subject) then when it naturally unfolds that you are no longer attending, she will be defending you because she loves you for who you are, not for your performance according to some insane cult description of the perfect priesthood holder.

Anagrammy

++++++++

Extremely well said, anagrammy!

You guys have brought up some great points and things to think about, exactly why I posted this question here!

Right now I'm leaning towards holding off on telling them, it'll come up eventually and I'll have to deal with it then. It'll be rough but I think waiting will allow me to better prepare my wife, build stronger bonds with her before her family starts putting stresses between us.

They will figure out sooner or later that you've gone inactive and unless they demand answers, you really don't owe them any.

As others have mentioned, if they are rabid TBMs you don't have anything to gain by being the one to initiate the conversation.

However, when the time comes you could just tell them that it is very hard to be the Apostate of your family.