"I've been reading up on what you've been saying and there are some pretty weird things about the Book of Mormon - and the whole origin of the church. It may not be what I always thought it was. It's possible Joseph Smith just pulled the whole thing out of his butt. I don't know how he did it but it's possible he just pulled together the writings of others and made stuff up."

Knowing my husband's resistance to change though, I waited for the other shoe to drop and then he said "I still feel close to God when I read it and I think being a Mormon has been beneficial to my life and made me a better person. I think people need to go to some church to learn values so I will go to whatever church you want every other Sunday if you'll come to Sacrament meeting with me the other two Sundays."

Fair enough. The only problem is the church I've been attending w/o him is the Catholic church and I think he's going to find that way too weird since he is a Utah born and raised, generational Mormon. I guess the important thing is that he's admitted that the questions I have about Mormonism are legitimate but he still thinks Mormonism is a good way to live. Two years ago, I was outraged about the Mormon lies but felt that Mormon values were still good and was planning to attend the LDS church in a low-key way, keeping my doubts to myself. Then Bishop Jackwagon screamed at me and spread lies about me and I realized Mormons, at least in my ward, were jerks I didn't want to be around. So I can see his point of view and see this as a huge step in the right direction for our family. If he wants to keep his super-laid-back, half-hearted Mormonism that's fine. Just keep the kids away from the Kool-aid. If I can just believe what I want and keep the kids from being brainwashed, I'm good.

+ 1...very good sign.

I wouldn't assume he'll think the Catholic church is totally weird. First church I went to after leaving the morg was St. Theresa's. Stand up, say some stuff, kneel down, say some stuff, hold hands and pray, sit while others get eucharist, hold hands, shake hands, "peace be with you", throw dough in a plate, go home. 45 minutes, tops.

First time I went, when it was goin' home time, we walked outside and there was a Budweiser Beer truck in the parking lot. The church was having a bazaar fundraiser with beer and stuff. I didn't find that weird either.

Just sayin'...

Ron

That was the first church I took the kids to outside of Mormonism, mostly because the local Catholic church has a variety of service times and we could find one that didn't conflict with DH wanting to go to Mormon church. Also, because the kids have casual friends from school that are Catholic, so they would know people there. The kids really liked it at first, then my son decided it was too "chanty" for him. But my daughter really likes it still and I like how you can just go, listen and leave. I'm still recovering from Moism enough that I want to watch from the sidelines for a while before I commit to anything, religion-wise.

He's taking baby steps CA girl, but his EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED and thats HUGE!! Congratulations!

With most TBM's there's a gradual transition out of the church. They still cling to it for a while. I admitted to myself that Joseph Smith wasn't a prophet but it took me another 3 years to go inactive and another 2 years to resign.

I think mormons are programmed to have good feelings when they're reading mormon scripture. Of course the feelings are implanted triggered from mormon influence and not from the book itself.

That is great! It may still take a while but he is on his way to freedom.

Since he is interested in JS and how the bom came to be, he might like Grant Palmers book--an Insiders View of Mormon Origins.

I loved that. Grant became my instant hero.

It seems like a good start, at least.

Would it make sense to pick the Unitarian church for your two Sundays together? It might allow space for him to think through what religion means.

Technically, I'm Catholic myself, and there are times when I like mass, times when I don't. But it is very different from what your husband's used to (Ya think?), so maybe the openness of the Unitarian service with its (ironically) more universal message might be helpful instead.

A couple of months ago, my next-door neighbor invited me to go to her Unitarian church services. I think I will take her up on the invite. Thanks for the tip.

CA girl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I guess the important thing is that he's
> admitted that the questions I have about Mormonism
> are legitimate


Isn't that just HUGE? You have validation, understanding and hope. I am so happy to hear this. Yay!

Maybe, since he's given you free reign to pick the every other sunday church, you should both go explore all the local temples a week or two at a time. Maybe Catholicism won't give him a burning in the bosom, but maybe he'll get overcome by the holy spirit in the middle of Buddhist temple. Might be worth a try.

How the hell are you not going to be excited bout that!

I hope you gave him a BJ on the spot and told him "there is more where that came from"!

You are so bad, jon1!! But he has a point...

Why not go to a different church every time? Some may not be your cup of tea, some may be awesome!

I am so happy for you, CAgirl!!

Your hubby is about to face the hardest time in his life. You know what that's like, of course.

Sounds like you have the right idea, but just to be clear, yeah, you need to support him and nurture him so that during this time of change, during this time that he feels very alone, betrayed, confused, he will need to feel you there with him, to grow together instead of apart.

Great time to pour on the love and show him you have a better, closer life together now that you're both leaving the church.

Good luck!

--DH

That is the beginning of the end - I learned that at church!!

I think this is huge, congrats.

I'd totally be excited! :D

BTW please share what brought him to this conclusion. What did he read? How were you able to get him to look at critical info on Mormonism?

DH liked to debate me about Mormon stuff. Finding Joseph Smith's marriages to 14 year olds on Family Search really shook him up. One day I just started making too much sense, so he told me to stop - that he needed to believe in Mormonism and didn't want to hear any more. That was about a year ago.

Yesterday we had a discussion, started by the fact that we pay tithing on his half of the income but the ward didn't credit a single payment for the first half of 2010. I just let it slide, figuring it was a crap weasel attempt by the bishop to get us to come in for tithing settlement. And I wasn't about to go to tithing settlement. So I ignored it. I didn't think about how it would effect our tax return til yesterday. DH wanted to go in and talk to the ward clerk which led to a discussion about how interfering and pushy and gossipy Mormons are which led to a vigorous 4 hour discussion about everything. Weird stuff in the BoM like horses and Laban's beheading and wheels or no wheels. We also discussed the 4 billion dollar mall. I asked if he really thought that was what Jesus would do and he said "Maybe - Jesus was all about sharing his message and maybe he would want to earn the money to do that." To which I sarcastically replied "And what is Jesus' message, exactly - dress at Aeropostle?" That part was pretty surreal. I think what got to him was me just pointing out the things in the BoM that didn't make sense and I'm pretty sure after I went to sleep, he got on his laptop and started reading. He knows how to find FAIRS and can see that a lot of their stuff is BS. I guess going and checking on all the stuff I told him about, just to debate me, made him realize that again, I was making too much sense. Only this time, he acknowledged it instead of putting his head in the sand.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2011 05:04PM by CA girl.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2011 05:03PM by CA girl.

Why limit it to just one church, the church you have been attending?

Why not use the standard couples approach of shopping around until you can find a church you both like?

ADDED BY EDIT: And it is a reason to be excited. If he has just now figured out that the history isn't true, it may take a while for the feelings he gets while he sits in church to change. He will start hearing things that he now knows are not true. Perhaps as he hears these things they will cause him to feel less spiritual over time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2011 03:48PM by MJ.

I nominate 'Who Really Wrote the Book o' Mormon' by what's-his-name...

As it turns out, the BoM 'isn't really' the Mo 'Key to our religion', is it?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2011 04:50PM by guynoirprivateeye.

Play it cool, though, CA girl, let him move at his pace, snail-like though it may be. :)

Yes, don't rub it in his face. Don't make it a debate and make him defensive. Its hard admitting being wrong and realizing you've invested so much in a load of crap.Tread carefully with the truth.

He takes about 4 years to change his mind on anything major - and we are only about 18 months to 2 years into "exploring" Mormonism. I'm going to back off and not bring it up for a while and just try to make his life as fun as possible. He can't visualize a happy life outside of the church because it's all he's known. I'm going to work on showing him the happy part for a while and let the questioning part go - until he's ready to bring it up again.

I'm happy for you, CA girl!

Here's my suggestion: go to church a couples of times a month and the other Sundays go to brunch, take a picnic somewhere, attend a great sporting event, etc. In other words, have a really great time together. Than will cure him of SM quicker than anything!

This is HUGE and I could not be happier for you, CA girl, you have been good and look what Santa brought you!

What you do next is important. I take it you are a Christian since you are going to Catholic Church. There are some elements there that Mormons have been conditioned to reject, like the corpus on the cross and the doctrine of Transubstantiation (the bread becomes the actual flesh and the wine the actual blood of Christ). And that there's wine. And candles/incense and glass windows and pictures of Christ with a crown of thorns and blood coming down his face. Compared with the austere Same-Photo-of-Jesus and the Puritan pews in the Mormon Church, it looks gory and over the top. My Mormon husband said this, "Can you just feel Satan in here?"

My suggestion would be instead of having your and my Sundays, make your Sunday a church-shopping Sunday, like some of the posters here have suggested. Go to a different church each Sunday that's your turn and then go out together that night for a dinner of discussion--not about Mormonism but about how the two of you felt about the experience, how the children reacted. Ask him questions, respect his judgment, and make it a romantic dinner with laughter and touching. And have great sex that night when you get home. Make sure he sees that the two of you at the same church yields benefits--I mean Benefits.

What you are saying here is that the two of you finding a place where you both can feel comfortable is far more important than what the religion is. This ratchets up the family above the church, which is a huge achievement.

And if he's open to it, ask him if it's all right to include the children in discussions (he might have strong feelings against it, and that's fine).

Now, you just relax. There's no hurry and the unraveling cannot be stopped. Sip some coffee and smile because whatever the outcome, it's better than what you had.

Good going, CA girl!

Anagrammy

That's why I don't suggest Catholicism

I mentioned to my kids that Dad wanted to go visit another church with us and they reminded me that he has some friends that go to the Lutheran church across town. I've talked to the wife and from what she told me, the services wouldn't seem too different to DH.

The Catholic church near our house is almost new and doesn't have some of the elements you mentioned - it's pretty modern and unornamented. The candles are tucked away in the corner. I went to Spain on my mission though so I can totally picture what you are talking about. Thanks for the advice.

awesome! I can't wait for my TBM DW to turn the corner. she's almost there.

Catholic mass is very soothing to people coming out of Mormonism.

Plus the RC is not pushy and demanding, which could be a very helpful experience for your husband to have as he drops the morg.

However, your husband also may be making the offer in hopes that you will eventually see Mormonism as the better church and return.
So be careful.

I thought about that Leah but I've always been willing to go to Sacrament meeting with him if he wanted. A few months ago, he stopped asking me to go to Sacrament meeting and just started staying home - but I think he misses a church of some sort. If his plan is to lure me back to Mormonism, it won't work but he will see that things can be better outside of Mormonism. What he does with that we will have to see.

And, I agree with what you said about the Catholic mass being soothing and I like how the Catholic church I go to is not at all pushy. That works for me since I'm ultra-cautious about religion now.