I had my records removed from the church over 5 years ago. At that time, my husband was still a member but inactive, so we got along famously.

Recently, he has decided to go back to church FULL BOAR! We used to enjoy our morning coffee together, now he wont even drink it.

I too, have gone through a dramatic shift, as I have been saved by the loving grace of our Lord, and want so much for him to begin a personal relationship with Christ...needless to say, we have butted heads on this more than once. He thinks I am the one who is lost!

Anyway, his bishop recently brought him some garments to wear (he hasn't yet put them on) and I am dreading that day...

Any advice how I can cope with this? I find them repulsive and evil, and don't know how to handle this...please help!

If you don't want to be preached at, why should he?

If you both feel that the other is "lost," then you have some issues that go deep and will fester.

We aren't "preaching" to each other any longer...I have my church and he has his...my issue is how to personally deal with the garments thing...

I still am a Christian and my former TBM DH is as well. Prayer is what works in all situations.

This board is mainly populated by atheists so you must have a thick skin!

out

ALL situations? Really now...

outofutah Wrote:
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> This board is mainly populated by atheists so you
> must have a thick skin!

Thick skin, a brain and a willingness to use the brain. A sense of humor helps, too.

Glad2B Out

What's to deal with? You don't like him picking out what clothes he will or won't wear? He is an adult, just like you are. Afford him the same respect he affords you. He complain about your underwear? It is JUST underwear for goodness sakes.

raptor is right. Being that you both have strong and conflicting belief systems, you may need to get help with your marriage.

I hope you can work it out. Good luck.

Ummm I believe your problem is Jesus. You've chosen one bad religion and your husband has chosen another. I would suggest you substitute your belief in Jesus for logic and reason.

I respectfully agree.

Doug has his belief system and you have yours which is also mine. I would discuss the garment thing in a calm way. Ask what he thinks the garments will do for him? Ask how he got along without them and if perhaps he is doing this to prove something to the WARD.

You apparently are okay with his attendance at the LDS church but question his sincerity regarding garments. Just have a serious discussion and maybe he will realize that he should only do things that HE believes are right for him - he should NOT do something -like wear garments- if he still thinks as he has in the past that they are not necessary to be a spiritual person.

I totally understand why the garment issue would be a biggie. Seeing them, watching him undress, etc. would be a real turnoff.

Compliment the CRAP out of him when he is naked/wearing normal underwear. Take them off whenever you get the chance, perform sex acts that will be sure to chase the Mo Spirit away at every opportunity.

If he chooses to return to Mormonism, you have to let him. He is a big boy. Hopefully it will be a temporary situation, but again, you have to let him decide.

If someone wants to believe in a religion, there is little one can do to prevent them from it. No matter how goofy the religion is. Ever heard of Mormonism? Goofy!

But more to the point, maybe your husband is human and he feels an emptiness. Agnostics call it existential angst. Your husband feels it but calls it "I miss my Mommy Religion!" I can understand the feeling. I miss believing in magic, too.

freeatlastinutah Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>>
> Recently, he has decided to go back to church FULL
> BOAR! We used to enjoy our morning coffee
> together, now he wont even drink it.
>
>

What was the catalyst that changed a coffee drinking Jack into a TBM? If you don't know we can't help.

Do not despair. Like victims of domestic violence, MOrmons may quit and go back several times before they leave for good.

There is much you can do about the garments. Have a pleasant talk over whatever you are drinking at breakfast and just say something to effect that your libido is conditioned by seeing him naked (or in boxers, or whatever it was before garmies). Tell him it has nothing to do with doctrine, but you have a visceral reaction of revulsion when you see him wearing them. Make a deal with him that you understand he wants to wear them during the day, but that he honor his wife's right to his body by not wearing them at night.

The church sanctions sex without garmies, so he shouldn't have a problem with that. Don't wait until you have already been saying "no sex with garmies." Don't wait until you have to use marital aid devices and stimulating lotions because you are so turned off. Nip it in the bud. Daytime they get him, nights you get him. Simple .

I know you will make sure your side of the fence has green grass, flowing rivers, flowers and candy, right?

Keep us posted, we are in your corner massaging your neck muscles. You can do this!

Anagrammy

Anagrammy--you are too cool!

Like Doug, I feel that you and your husband may need a Jesus-ectomy. Many folks acquire Jesus as a kind of parasite that shows how other folks are wrong. Indeed, one strain of Jesus parasite might attack another, slightly different, strain of Jesus parasite. It's common.

The virtual surgery of a Jesus-ectomy is rectal. It's like removing a bug, if you get my drift.

not the religious-ity!

somebody has to see by rejecting each other's religiousity simultaneiously
everybody is feeling rjected concurrrently

its like getting shocked with electricity every time you try to plug in
somethign has to block the shock or restart the circuit

Hmm . . . I'm not sure what to think here. You find your husband's activity in Mormonism "repulsive" and "evil"; yet, your activity, belief, and personal relationship with Jesus can be looked at as "repulsive" and "evil" by him. It goes both ways. Usually it evolves into someone saying "but mine is true and yours is false and that's why mine is good and yours is evil."

Personally, I think any belief in some hocus pocus mystical super natural God or religion as being repulsive. But to each his or her own. It's just hard to take your criticism of your husband seriously since you also believe in something just as screwy and weird. Just my opinion though.

So you both want to believe in a fairy tale.

He has his you have yours. why are you getting all over him when you have your own crazy beliefs?

Geez, I think you are the pot calling the kettle black.

"A personal relationship with Jesus" is much less busywork and stupid rules than believing in mormonism. Even though I'm no believer myself I have to say that the former gives you much more to a much lesser cost than the latter.

If she loved him more than her "personal relationship with Jesus" and he loved her more than his "busywork for Jesus," they could love each other without the Jesus wedge/baggage.

Jesus is the third partner in the marriage. IMO, if Jesus is in the threesome, they shouldn't be surprised when they have to cut slack for their spouse to go have their special time with Jesus, in whatever form that person likes.

Dagny,
You Rock!

My wife is still strong Mormon and I am attending a Christian denomination. We discuss things without getting overly emotional about it. We just have to respect each other's freedom to choose. It may help that neither of us believes the other one is going to be damned for our choice of a church.

Yes its frightening when moism is involved, but I agree with Boilermaker, you have to be able to discuss without getting emotional/annoyed.
Life is about making choices and we don't all make the same choice so we have to handle things in a positive way. Don't let either of your beliefs get in the way of your marriage if you want to stay together. Respect each others views. Yes it hurts, but its hurting him also i'm sure.

He doesn't drink coffee, you do. He believes this is right, you don't.
He has/wears garments, you don't. He believes this is right, you don't.
The list could go on for ages.

Try to stay in control of your feelings.
As Christians treat each other kindly. Surely you both believe in Jesus and this is what is expected of you.

I wish you well. Please let us know how things go. We may not come up with the correct answers, but we do care.

If the sex is great stick with him. I still love my ex
who is a moralistic mormon tho to sick, and sexless to
be active in the church. She never accepted the meat of
plual marrige, after fed milk, tho she never wanted to
be sealed to me because sex was 50% important to me
and when that stopped, I couldnt take her bickering no
escape no matter how good she is.
I'de rather a repented prostitite lds woman if the church
was true, than a sexless bickering nagging lds wife.

As supposed infertile man, my out of mormonism led to
mirical pregnency with beautifal asian woman, who allowed
me to name the child, that fulfilled my prophecy that
this child was promised to me. I see that relegion to
athiesm is all just a belief system that can lead us
getting our wish if want it enough....The laws of attraction
works tho some are so greedy for money get that also by
stepping on others toes or re-marry a rich partner...

Now that I was the one originally poor inherited my parents
wealth, attracted a beautifal sexy asian woman, who has
left it up to me what path to follow considering her
family disowned her for baby out of wedlock, generations
family of staunch catholics.

Some people would marry anyone to be sealed to them
and try buy their way into mormon disney land heaven.

Be true to self.. Love is all their is, and sex is the
intimate divine expression of it agreed apon.
Sexual love and acts that lead to abuse is lust gone wrong.

If their is beautifal sexual loving attraction, why
devoice anyone whatever they believe. The problem is
with mormonnism its all about eternal family and become
gods and really makes it un evenly yoked to fall out
with lds spouse.

Love is god, not relegion. Relegion cant save anyone.
Love is life and if its our needy fulfilment then
also divine sexual expression. It helps when the chips
are low even faith in relegion for that matter.

Love is all their is, the rest is fiction we make up.
See Neale Donald Walsch (anti relegion books) conversations
with god 1-3 and all other works of his loving non relegious
god who dictated beatufial volumes that led this man to
his soul loving sexual partner, after his ex saw him
as nothing but a looser. The true god blessed him and
to this day she still thinks he is a looser and some
sex addict but his new wife Nancy and him are faithful
and one together in god collective conciousness,made their
own vows agreed apon not what relegion says.

When Neale was famous from his books, silly woman through
themselfs at him at the signing of his books, but as a wise
man now having nancy, she came up to the silly woman and
instead of ruin his fame moment, said yes he is a hansome
wonderful man and he is my husband. They got tear eyed
and left happy for nancy and him. He decided at that point
because she handled jellousy with LOVE and not ruin his
fame moment, that he would act on his god of love, forget
about fame and endure with many books to come and faithful
to his wife. It took a woman like that, a god send and
God knew that Neale's moment of fame had its moment and
he chose to went on to walk the walk of his new faith
a god who vindicated that he is and never was an angry god
and above such human flaws.....

Most relegious gods are man made. Why devoice over relegion
if the love and sex is great. What more to life than
the loving chemistry of nature connection.
Let him have his mormon underwear, as long as he treat you
good. If you cant love him or have sex with him because of
the underwear, then there is a problem.
At least once naked he doesnt have to take his skin off
and see that his mormon position may be a repile alien
influence belief system future world take over. Let him
devoice you if he has the problem...

Marrige is marrige. It nice to feel its for eternity
and is an insurance if true, but most likely unecessary.
I'm sure many go to temple just for insurance, while
totally dis-believe many crazy doctrines and terrible
deceptions of mormonism.

I would never had left my ex if she wanted to be sealed
to me and make passionate love, for I would simply been
a spy in mormonism for the sake of loving and stick with
my wife, but attend a saturday relegion also and let
her know about the alternatives to eternal marrige that
some relegions teach that love and relationships will be
found in heaven, not as marrige but close connections
so mormonism is frightening if was true that all love
lost if not a sealed up mormon is the crazy part of
its doctrine, tho wonderful for those who believe the
deception.....

Its disney land. We all like to go to it so just go along
with it, if the love and sex in marrige is good and the
other insists on the magic underwear, and if you dont want
it he has to accept it or goodbye charley.

Tempt him away if nec from his prudish illusions that
can rob the joys of normal attraction in its pure form
nothing to do with relegion.

Love is all their is.......I could not succeed with my
ex mormon mrs no matter how much I tried. Moralistic
bullshit she believes in even if the devil of anger
and bickerness rules her, sex is an ugly word and dirty..

dirty spiritual tho (faithful woman) are the best.

Larry.

Some people leave TSCC cold turkey: they just walk out and don't look back. Others leave gradually, neglecting callings, discussing doubts, attending without paying tithes, attending infrequently and then staying away. And for some people, leaving TSCC is a dancing procession of Echternach, to use a Dutch expression: three steps forward, two steps backwards, thus taking five steps to advance one. Or they fall, before crawling up and advancing further.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dancing_procession_of_Echternach (second paragraph under "The procession")

Yet no-one goes inactive for years and then becomes TBM again for good, right? I've not seen that happen yet. Has anyone?

How long do you really think this will last?


People want to relax on weekends, your husband is no different. Especially when you let slip every so often how hard he works and how he deserves to relax.

And don't forget to brew delicious smelling coffee every morning. And you certainly want to fix yourself a huge breakfast on Fast Sunday mornings, with the bacon sizzling.

There is also nothing wrong with erasing all messages from the cult.You don't owe Mormonism your husband.

Oh, and keep him in bed with good sex or get out of town together on weekends for great sex.

Something is bothering him, and you need to find out what.

It could be he thought he was happier in the church. It could be he was bothered by someone's comment to him that triggered his LDS self-brainwashing to kick in again.

Ask him what he has been thinking about and why he now feels the need to return. Ask if someone said something to him or if this is all his own idea. It could be someone is pressuring him. You need to know if you want to counter it.

Be loving and supportive. He probably won't be expecting that, and it will help lower the defensiveness he most likely feels about his decision.

But I guarantee there is something bothering him. If he was happy and content as he was, he wouldn't be returning.

A couple of thoughts in addition endorsing Piper's, Leah's and anagrammy's comments:

If you became more religiously committed, that may have set off DH's latent religious desires. Of course he is going to return to what he knows best. It is still part of his identity. Look for areas of common interest and enjoyment both non-religiously and religiously. Particularly share and support positive underlying dreams and values. Here is a link on what that entails. (Sorry it is a BYU website, but they do a good job explaining it. Now, if they'd only practice it . . . .)

http://realfamiliesrealanswers.org/?page_id=54

And you can still sit and the table and talk in the morning--he can have hot chocolate or whatever and you can have your coffee.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2011 05:48PM by robertb.

I truly appreciate Anagrammy. No lecture on the OP's faith, (such as "it's her fault"-- haven't we heard enough of this?) just kindness and support for someone who comes here for help.
AG, you would make a great therapist. Well, you are!
Bless you, dear!

that are hateful and disgusting to the other spouse. Sounds like a deal breaker to me.
You want him to be like you and change, and he wants you to be like him and change.
Personally, I don't see any of that happening.

How do you cope? You cope by having an attitude of gratitude. respecting the other person's RIGHT to their beliefs just as you want yours respected. Ditch the emotional need to have your spouse believe what you believe and accept his choice of underwear as you want yours accepted. Stop denigrating his beliefs as you don't want yours denigrated.
Live the Golden Rule: treat the other person the way you want to be treated: love, respect, honor, loyalty, kindness, etc.

That's how I do it and it works, for years now! Hubby is a generational, believer and I am not. He can believe anything he wants and it has nothing to do with my beliefs or our marriage relationship. He can wear any underwear he wants, and so can I!
Religion is a non-issue in our home. We do not try to change the other person's beliefs, and we don't denigrate or find fault with the other person's beliefs.
We've been married for 48 years and we are not about to let a difference of opinion about religious beliefs erode our relationship! Not going to happen!:-)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2011 06:14PM by SusieQ#1.