My close family member has been a devout Mor-mon since age 12, the only one in her immediate family.

She's bright, kind, responsible, not one to do anything half way. Followed her dufus priesthood holder in everything. Raised an admirable number of fine TBM kids, missions, lots of grandkids, etc.

While everyone is gracious and congenial, there's a definite wedge.

Thinking about it now, I don't think it would be in her best interest to learn the truth, recognize the fraud, and leave the church which has been her foundation, her community, her friendship circle. I fear it would lead her to depression and dispair to see what she has sacrificed and for what.

Anyone else have similar dynamics and ambivalence in their families?

Complex.

Is the issue only what's best for her or should it also be what is best for those she is affecting with her "blinders on--full steam ahead" beliefs?

You are describing my Mother. And my family. Most of them get their self esteem from being the most mormon Mormon of them all. There is such a drive for Mormon glory that details do not get in the way. The truth is just some flotsam floating past as they paddle the stream and brave the persecution and misunderstanding that are their rapids.

I don't try to shine the light on truth, but if the beam falls there anyway, I don't pretend it isn't there and I don't coddle them or feed their Mormonosity as la Monsanto. They no longer bring up anything around me because I answer as if I am seeing Mormonism for the first time with fresh eyes. No agenda, just honest reactions.

There are better places to get your self esteem. At any age.

Done & Done Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> the
> most mormon Mormon of them all.

That's a catchy title for a book.

It's all so sad though, isn't it.

IMO, the people who fall into the "spare them the truth for mercy's sake" are usually very young (as in, still living with tbm parents), very old (having spent a lifetime in the church, with not much time left), or on their deathbed. There are lots of people in the first category for me (nieces and nephews), and one in the second (my mom). My dad passed last year, so after I left, he spent some time in the second category, and a few hours in the last.

When people leave Mormonism, there's probably almost always some degree of depression and despair and even frustration and anger and grief over sacrifices we've made. I know I felt/feel those feelings. To me, that fact in and of itself is not a strong enough reason to withhold the truth and let people continue making pointless sacrifices. You just try to also help them through those feelings by pointing out any good that did come of it (the good feeling of doing your part, for instance, or meeting your need for community).

If someone thinks it benefits them to drop gold nuggets into the river and has already dropped a bunch, that's not really a strong reason to not try to get them to stop by challenging their thinking. That's how I see it.

You would certainly at least want to account for the hidden angst and depression and despair that many Mormons feel that lifts when they leave. I certainly felt A LOT of that as well.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/18/2022 10:42AM by skp.

If she's raised decent citizens, and not religious robots, then, yeah, I'd leave it alone. Soon enough, those grandkids for sure will see the actual, real world truth, and realize the Church Truth™ is BS and they will be free of the Smith/Young scam anyway. Unless they're in the inescapeble Moridor, then it'll be tougher.

Yes. I have more to say. Subject that hits home with me.

For some of us it was the opposite. Greatest relief of my life the day I figured it out. I felt like I had been filled with helium and was floating upward into the sunshine. I know others who felt the same. Wish it could be that way for everyone.

I read often how much pain can be associated with finding the truth regarding Mormonism. Usually this is followed by, "I wish I had known sooner." The intensity of the pain seems to increase with the amount of time spent in that church and also how deeply one believed, and, how much one has invested--time and money, and caring.

So, I'm not on board with "sparing the young the truth for mercy's sake"--- but sparing the old? Probably. Had I known as a child I could have spared myself a lot of self torture. There was community but it was the wrong community for me even if there was "some good". Nazism had community. My elderly mother really needs her community now. I wouldn't yank it away.d

I am a believer that each person has to find their own way out and I leave them alone. But I draw the line at aiding and abetting their Mormon denial.

As for sparing the kids--I would never interfere with a minor and their parents regarding that stuff but, if asked, I would not alter my own words should the subject come up and then only relating my own experience. Their parents can tell them later what a wanton sinner I am and that the devil has me like my older brother told his kids who were not allowed to go near me. As kids, his children would ask me straight out in front of everyone at family gatherings why I was sinning. I wouldn't do that to anyone else.

I wonder how many wish they had never found out? I suppose there are some, but, I haven't met one yet.

Pain is a symptom indicating something needs to be fixed. Even pain has an up side in telling you that you're doing something the wrong way--either lifting weights incorrectly or dragging a load of dogma around in a virtual wheel barrow.

So I listen to my mother tell me all about her church when it comes up which is not much anymore. She has abandoned her BoM group who always explored possibilities of where Zarahemla was. She knows. There is a big difference between not knowing and not admitting. She is happy not admitting. My guess anyway.


Somebody said to know the truth and the truth would set you free. At a certain age the truth does not set you free anymore. Even the truth has a sell by date.

When a person's 'truth' is a crutch, and he or she doesn't know now to ambulate without it, it would be cruel to kick it out from his or her side.  Especially if you'd be stuck helping them back up.

This is probably why old people (like me) can get away with being a**holes.

This is also why I send my mother all the junk food she wants.

Neither truth nor spinach are much use to her now.

Generally, if people are happy and comfortable in their beliefs, and those people respect that I don't share their beliefs, but instead have my own thoughts about things, then I let them be. For some people, religion is how they organize their world.

If someone is ready to change their way of thinking, pretty much anything can jar them out of it. It might just be one fact, or one sentence, or one observation.

IMO that was the purpose of the parables attributed to Jesus. They were meant to upend beliefs, to jar thinking, to act as disruptors.

When someone is crushed between a train and the platform, the first responders accommodate any last requests because the moment they relieve the pressure the victim is dead instantly.

Sometimes the merciful thing is to leave things as they are. Continue to visit family members in their self-imposed prison. Their tunnel vision protects their fragile world.

I have that relationship with my of my cousins and her husband. They're good people but they know I can counter anything they say so they stay respectful.