The 30 year divorce and the nightmare that never ends…LOL an update I have written a few times here on this exmormon board about my ongoing now almost 30 year divorce from a toxic TBM man who loves The Church but refused to stay at any job for any length of time. Leaving the family in dire financial problems. He is the kind that loves the get rich quick and MLM kind of business model. He has failed at all the attempts and lost so much money chasing after these pie in the sky ideas. He was cruel and treated me badly. I was a stay at home mom and then worked in the school district in Special Ed. I thought when we separated (he had met someone more righteous then me he wanted to marry) and went through all the dealings with the family court that our divorce was final. I only found out our divorce was never finalized about 18 months ago when we attended our grown son’s PhD graduation. The Ex informed me that ‘he just found out’ our divorce was not final. As in: Officially Signed off by the court/judge. Ex has remarried twice since we split. Even had me write the obligatory Letters to his bishops saying he owed me nothing and he was clear to remarry in the temple. One remarriage was a married for ‘time’ and the most recent is the Time and all eternity kind in 2016. So the Ex is alerted that he still has a pension at the one job he did for 8 years. The church got him the job after one of his yearlong stints of unemployment way back when. While looking at the old divorce papers we did have –yes there was indeed a pension listed in his assets and it needs to be divided via a QDRO. A legal way to divide a pension between 2 parties. I find out he tried to access this pension without my knowledge a few months earlier by trying to get our grown daughter to sign off in my place. (She is aware of her dad’s shenanigans-so she did not sign anything) So at the graduation the Ex approaches me and says Oh we don’t need attorneys. Just go online and sign off. He intended all along to take the whole pension. In California the pension is split 50/50. We were married 18 years. I immediately contacted a lawyer. Got the paperwork started. The Ex did not cooperate for many months. Got so many delays. Even his own brother in law who is an attorney said you have got to sign off and finish the divorce. Otherwise the church will get wind of it and you could lose your Temple Recommend and really piss off the new-er wife. Now almost 18 months later the final divorce is signed off by the judge and filed with the courts. We were fortunate that they made all the dates go back to the original time we started the divorce. As I was reading the final copy I noticed the Ex wrote in--that he wants to have ‘the Reserve Right for spousal support to the petitioner’. He is the Petitioner. Then he initialed it. IN PEN I contacted my lawyer and she laughed and said-he cannot do this after the fact. He cannot collect Spousal support from me because he is married. Remarried twice. I even have all the records of all Child Support payments I received via a court order and when I remarried; I informed the Child Support dept. and I no longer received Alimony. It was $97.00 a month. So I guess in his genius mind he is going to come after me for money after the fact. (? I don’t know what his plan is?) Just because he wrote something on the final judgement in pen and initialed it. (After the filing…) He did not have an attorney just his brother in law advising him. Anyway the paperwork has all been sent over to the QDRO lawyer and that will take another 3-9 months to take effect for dispersing the pension. I hope the nightmare is over.
I'm sorry you've had to deal with this so long. What a creep.
I'll bet you would have liked to "write in" a few things too! Thanks for the update. Life is hard enough without having to deal with something like that 30 years.
Thanks :) so much for commenting and your support.
When divorcing in the LDS Church. Get a good attorney. I was too poor way back when this ordeal all started. The Ex had his parents to pay for Lawyers. So I was at a disadvantage. I hated that Bishops and congregations get involved. It is bad enough when family members take sides. The Ex made attending church (for me) impossible. Ex would contact the bishops of any ward I was part of-to slander me. It was too bad that the Bishops believed the Ex.
I am just a quiet mom and Special Ed Teacher. I raised the kids. All but 1 stayed in church so while he called me the ultimate apostate-crazy person---the boys served missions with no financial support from their dad at all. All kids finished college on their own. The Sons married in the temple. Oh and 1 son is a bishop. So even though I do not attend anymore. As far as church goes-I was a good mom. I did not let my doubts and being mistreated cloud the kids with regards to the church. I was a convert originally so it was easier for me to step away from the church.
I am 20 years into mine, and still dealing with some issues that my former spouse never dealt with per the filed decree signed by the judge.
But of course, as you have discovered, it always seems to be your fault they did not follow through. I like you hope that I now done and can fully walk away as of this last month of June.
Legally married for 30. His other marriages are void because he was not divorced. You are entitled to half of that 30-year pension as well as all disclosures regarding movement of assets, lest he think he can hide them.
It seems to me you have him over a barrel.
Look up malignant narcissist and see if he fits the bill. The only way narcissists learn is by losing everything. Maybe you can help him with that.
YAY YOU!!!!!! I am lmao about him writing in his own little amendment. What an idiot. As if you owe him anything. And really? SPOUSAL SUPPORT!!!! Your lawyer must have laughed herself sick. I am so glad you are rid of that idiot.
Good riddance to bad rubbish! Best wishes moving forward. I'm glad that you got half his pension, that will at least be something for what you put up with.
Don't let your ex or his lawyers or church officials make and decisions or sign anything without having your lawyer review everything and stick with your lawyers advice.