My former (TBM) mother-in-law passed away at 102 last month.
I have been divorced from her (TBM) narcissistic cheater son for over 30 years.
(Unhappily married to the ex for 18 yrs.).
He would quit jobs when he tired of them or get fired…
and get involved in MLMs and other get rich quick schemes
while leaving his children in Section 8 housing receiving government assistance.
Former Mother-In-law just looked the other way.
Her funeral was lavish & over the top with a casket
trimmed in gold-as told by my 3 grown kids.
My children/her grandchildren attended the funeral
and Wake with many of their cousins who could make
the journey back to Utah.
The ornate pink colored paper program
embellished with gold & roses with pictures
of the mother-in-law’s life was handed out to
all who came to say good-by to the Matriarch.
The paper handout program also listed the woman’s
children and grandchildren.
Alongside the ‘children’s names’ was listed
their ‘spouse’. Since the mother-in-law’s son (my ex)
was married four times- His sister in charge
only listed the ‘current spouse’.
The ex’s children are my children.
I am the only mother. The current wife is
listed as if she is their mother. Side note
is none of her own children/grandchildren are listed.
It is not really a big deal and I have been silent
about the snub. But it was shared on
Facebook and Instagram for all who cared to see.
I just feel snubbed and canceled.
Whenever anyone asked if I knew the woman:
I respond: Well, we were friends once… a long time ago.
I think the hurt I feel is from realizing
that whenever she spoke (to me) with her
plastered smile-it was all fake.
My Husband (now currently for the past 25 years

I'm sorry that you were obviously excluded in the details. That other woman is not the mother of your children - and it is deceptive to write it that way.

It is my hope that future ancestry researchers (family members) won't be too confused by the obituary information/funeral folder and can manage to follow the true lines of parentage throughout.

Likely done to put the simplest appearance on a complicated life of marriages/divorces...factually wrong.

I'm sorry that you were snubbed. On the other hand, you are not married to that fool now. Four marriages! Owie.

A similar thing just happened to a friend of mine. She was a first wife (of three) and had his only biological child, who had his only three biological grandchildren. None were mentioned in the obit. They had been married twenty-some years, so this was not an “oops, bad decision” marriage. Her comment was that he was a jerk right up to the end. Points for consistency.

I have a cousin (LDS no less) who had children by three different women, was married three times, and only a one woman overlap between those two sets of women. Yet he considers himself a “good Mormon”, and I am the family disappointment. He is younger than me, but I hope I outlive him. I want to see that obit.

If there were a ghawd in heaven, I would hope that the sin of 'massaging' an obituary would carry a hefty fine.

I've read a few obits that massaged the facts so brutally regarding the deceaseds that they deserved to be printed on the funny pages, under the heading, "Dead on arrival Obits."

Or, "Ripley's Don't You Believe It Obituaries!"


Who knew that you needed some creative writing skills to write an obituary?


"Oh, we're not trying to fool people, much less ghawd!!  We're just showing our respect for the deceased by lying our asses off to those friends and relatives who might be fooled by it!"

Sorry you feel canceled.

But any program has limited space. People's lives are complex and cannot be fully represented in such a place.

This was about the mother, not you. I think you're reading too much into it.

Sure, the damages done to the living were absolutel necessary in order to preserve the "legend" of the deceased's life and was purely inadvertent, not to mention that it made them feel better about themselves, for sticking up for the slime bucket dead person...they hope they get the same consideration!

I have very strong feelings regarding this topic...

Yes I am very aware that the whole funeral
and program was for the mother.
I have not said a word about
the paper program to anyone but this board.
:)
I was just commenting that I was excluded
before and after the divorce and I saw
in writing how I was CANCELED even in the
end of this woman's life.
How all her smiling and Jesus loving talk
was all fake. She was the pioneer heritage
true blue mormon her whole life and still felt
it was okay to be
disparaging the mother of her grandchildren. That this was
perfectly fine with her.
She is exactly what a Hypocrite is.

It's OK annabelle. We feel how we feel and that's what this board is about. I'm not a mom but I can see how this omission could be hurtful and even that it could give the wrong impression (on purpose?) We can hope that church folks would be at least as kind as others but when they're not it can be even more hurtful than it may have been otherwise.

Plenty of RfMers know exactly what it's like to be involved with TBM'ish-ness - no fun for starters and often hurtful in many personal ways that can be difficult to express to others.

Your ex-mother-in-law sure lived a long life. Seems like she didn't learn some of the basics in all that time though. Like kindness and fairness and appreciating others, for starters, in way more ways than the funeral or the write-up.

It's too bad some of her grandchildren get left out due to their father predeceasing her. Maybe she never thought of that possibility.

Thanks for trusting us enough to share. Many here will understand exactly.

Honestly, Annabelle, it sounds like you are well rid of that side of the family.

One of my dad's half-sisters, having no children of her own, left her estate to her siblings. My dad had passed away about a dozen years previously, so his portion of her estate passed down to my brother and myself. It was a very unexpected bequest, and came at a time when it was able to make a great deal of difference to me -- one of those fortuities of life. I will forever be grateful for her generous parting gift.

It wasn't just the program that had limited space. It was limited space in the heart of the mother and anyone planning the funeral. Form over substance. Keeping up a facade even after death. I have strong feelings about this.

    

A mob in golf carts, perhaps with little flags.

That'll work!

I thought we already were. I'm nearly done with the posters and flags.

...I'm wondering who paid for the funeral and where the money came from. My mom's funeral last year cost just over $11,000 and that didn't include the plot (she's buried with my dad at the Veterans cemetery with no charge because he served in Korea). I mean, some of the items sound opulent for an ex who was into MLMs and wild goose chases.

Just to clarify some things. :)
Mother in Law did well purchasing a bunch of rental homes (since the mid 70's).
So when selling everything last year or there about-she had quite a fortune.
She planned her funeral details to fit a queen.
Part of my original lengthy post I somehow did not copy
and paste properly tells of her
being the super amazing righteous
jesus loving matriarch.

She left her favorite daughter most everything
in the form of cash and jewelry.
(She flaunts endlessly)
The Ex received a monthly stipend because
he cannot be trusted to hang onto any money
for very long as he is a real risky investor
(Gambling, anyone? Get rich quick etc)

Her other daughter received a hefty amount.
What was interesting is the oldest son died
one month before the mother in law and the
will conveniently said any money was to be left
to 'surviving' children. So the oldest son
was cut out of the will which means his 8 children receive nothing.

The favorite daughter who received the most---
her husband is the lawyer who set up the will/trust
for the mother in law. No one challenges these two.
I just watch from the wings and just listen
whenever my kids talk amongst themselves LOL!!

Whenever anyone asks WHY I left the church--
This was before I even found out all the real
history of the church etc..
I just comment that it was the ex, his mean bully of a sister
that pushed me out of the church because
if there was a Jesus-he would never approve
of their behaviors-but that is just me.
Thanks again for everyone's input.

Sounds like a good screenplay. OR is it too close to "Succession"?

  
  

...all I can think of is the New Testament parable about the rich man and Lazarus with your mother-in-law taking the role of the rich man. She had/earned a lot of comfort in life, enough for her to pay for an opulent funeral, while others of her family, particularly the children of her eldest son, have had to do without. It seems to me like there is some injustice in it somewhere...

I have a narcissistic sister who was married to a slightly less narcissistic husband but she divorced him for gambling away all her money while she spent all his shopping. Needless to say, the kids are a wreck. So, I hear from where you are coming. Divorced husband died in August and I had to laugh at the obit. His second wife wrote it in glowing terms that left no sign of the man he really was. The funniest part was his academic record. I found out from one of his classmates (they were in the same program) that he never completed all the requirements for his degree. I'm not sure anyone else but me in the family knows. The second wife seems to think he had a successful career as well. His own father wouldn't even hire him.

Inheritance, the gift that tears apart families. We've told our children to expect nothing (we do contribute to GC 529).

We plan on leaving our children "Memories" or as I like to say,
"If you don't fly First Class, your children will".

I think it depends on the family. Not every family has crazy, greedy people. My family members realize that money could easily be eaten up by medical or care expenses in old age, so we don't expect anything either. Apart from that, any remaining money goes to family, and is either left to the surviving spouse, or equally to the children.

I know of several families who have left successful family businesses to children generation after generation and it has worked well. Many more have done the same and it ended in disaster. I think that whether or not you leave an inheritance to children, it's best to let them know they should expect nothing as life circumstances, the economy, and family situations can change in an instant. A leg up on educational expenses or house buying, if done, should be done while you are living and you can enjoy or regret the decision. Then plan accordingly.

I recently heard of husband and wife lottery winners who won many millions and told no one. They kept their jobs and stayed in their same, comfortable home. They said they did this so their children would not become waiters, as in "waiting for us to die".