Being personally affected by mental illness is not a game or to be judged against.

I noticed that the worse schizophrenia became in my life, now that I have gotten help, even though I resisted initially, was actually a blessing in disguise.

The divorce was a wake up call.

I admit my errors during my marriage. I admit that for a small amount of time, I actually believed I was OK. But I was wrong.

Getting help was the hardest thing for me. It took me trying to kill myself in 2009, after the divorce was final. It was forced after, and because I was in a ward involuntarily after my attempt

After getting the paperwork, letting me know my marriage was over, because I decided that I wouldn't be able to see my kids until I had some sort of normalcy. It was actually put in a court order. I had to go to meetings and get support, and show the proof I finally was OK after a significant amount of time.

Therapy is hard. My first therapist, also an exmormon, was of no help to me. We talked about Mormonism, but we did not click. After him, I had to wait for about 5 years for another therapist. I felt like I was being eaten alive, because I was focused on my exmormon recovery. I was still in denial then.

I had enough hatred for the Mormon church, I forced them to never contact me. I tried my former bishop's intentions. I found out that he held my resignation letter for about a year. I finally told him that I would sue him personally, if he did not submit the letter.

I got my 'come back' letter about the same time I was approved for benefits (got to administrative judge level), and I burned the letter I was so angry. But, I had to be told repeatedly that my reality was turned upside down, and was like a tree shaking while the wind blew. I had to be admitted again, because I was so angry, that the delusions were unlike nothing my treatment team ever seen. I was on the doorstep of everlasting psychosis.

My parents were scared. Very scared. I had no reality at all. I was convinced that I was the Beast in Revelations.

I had to go away for a while. Both my parents felt that it was best because I had a treatment team at VMH, and I had a treatment team in the facility I ended at. Not to mention I was scaring my parents. They actually thought I was going to kill them both.

I was treated, and my meds were completely changed inpatient. I was completely psychotic. I struggled getting lasting help, because it was a case of... I can't describe it. When I look back on it, I was a psychotic monster. People were scared enough that I had to be treated in a jail cell, where I sat there naked, revolving between suicidal and death to each person I came in contact with.

A year later, I got out. I was released into the custody of my parents. I was never so defeated in my life.

But I am thankful for teams that never gave up on me. They helped me with the fight against my mind.

Mental health is real. Hearing my ex say that it doesn't exist is wrong... Completely wrong.

If you are mentally ill, never give up. You WILL triumph if you get the help.

Somehow God will get you out. I still am convinced that He got me out. I felt I was losing myself, like others here have said.

I was in a losing battle, and the God I believe in now, saved me. I had not prayed for 6 years at that time, but he heard my soul. I was screaming.

Never gave up.

It may look like a story, but that my reality. Oh my hell, I sound like an apologist.

And in case you were wondering, and that things are shoddy, I purposely left benefits out of it. With each hospitalization, I lost benefits, and had to reapply, because the people in power put me on a fast track on them again.

So when I applied it was 2009. First hospitalization was hree weeks. Next hospitalization was 2011, benefits ended for the year, Reapply, reinstated in 2012. Jail treatment to keep everyone safe. Reapply, reinstated 2014. No psychotic episodes for 1 year. No need to be reinstated. Benefits continued.

That's quite a story. You've really been through some things!

Of course none of us here are qualified to give you advice. I hope you will continue to get any professional help you might need. It's sad that you had to wait so long to get the right help you needed.

I hope we can encourage you to go where you want to go! This place can be a little rough sometimes but there is usually something to make you think or laugh.

I think your story will help others understand how complicated mental health issues can be. Thank you for sharing. I did not understand what was happening to my relative when she became a psychotic monster. I wasn't remotely aware of what she was going through. It helps to hear first hand experiences so we all learn.

My psychiatrist knows, and my psychologist knows. We have a plan in place to keep everyone safe. They do NOT want to be buried in the circumstances that happened before. If I come in, and my thoughts are dark, my new therapist will step in.

If meds need adjusted, my psychiatrist will be contacted. Sometimes I feel that they are dropping everything for me. I feel ashamed sometimes, when they come together. I feel like the spotlight is on me.

Is your relative OK now?

And thank you. Especially with the funny posts.

I better get going though, because my family's dog is 'telling me' by moving my arm that I am in his space on my mom's bed. Was watching basketball. Lol

LL Wrote:
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> I feel ashamed
> sometimes. . .

You shouldn't. Your illness is beyond your control and hence beyond your responsibility.

>> If meds need adjusted, my psychiatrist will be contacted. Sometimes I feel that they are dropping everything for me. I feel ashamed sometimes, when they come together. I feel like the spotlight is on me.


I know from lurking on a nurses' message board that there are lots of medical professionals who choose to work in the mental health field, and who enjoy working with patients who are trying to get better.

It sounds like you have fought a hard fight. The people who have helped you must be so proud of you.

It's hard to see loved ones go into psychosis. Everything in the 'story' above, was according to staff. My parents really don't know what was happening to me.

Calling it a meltdown, does not do the psychosis justice.

My parents will never know the full history I have. Because when I want to bring it up, they get scared. I understand their point of view.

Of course my father has stayed mute on the whole thing. According to what I have learned, he thinks that it never happened. It makes me shake my head.

I feel people need to know that there is help.

diagnosed with schizophrenia last February, but he should have been diagnosed a long time ago. He thinks he has dissociative identity disorder and he wishes everyone would believe him. I've told him as long as we have him diagnosed with something that can get him disability, keep him on Medicaid, and keep him on meds, then it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is. There is no reason to try to convince the therapists, etc.

But my son hasn't been in facilities as much as you have. He was jailed when? It was horrible. He has been jailed a few times and he has been hospitalized three times. I can't remember how he ended up in jail the last time.

I believe your story. I can't even remember all that has happened with my son. All the delusions, the hallucinations. I'm the one who he is most dependent on as his dad left for a long time. His dad is a big help right now. He takes care of all the doctors and Rxs, etc. He does things with him.

My son is "back" since he has been on the right medication. He has always been a home body and spent most of his time with me and his twin sister (turned 38 today the 2 of them) is always gone. She runs from the worries of home and the inability to help her twin brother.

It is refreshing to have him "back" and I'll be very aware if things change again. I know what to look for. My ex's famliy has a lot of mental illness. My ex's niece is going through some of the same things as my son now. She was hospitalized for a year in Provo somewhere.

I'm sorry for all you've been through.

Your son is lucky to have you for a mom watching out for him!

I understand what you mean.. I have made a series of assumptions about things and people. My dad's behavior is one of them. I have no idea what is going on, but I am convinced that he does not believe what I have been though. Did you son have a hard time in public cl2? I believe that there are a lot of mentally ill people that would rather not deal with people.

I am glad that you know when is something is up, cl2. My mom often misses issues, but she is getting better. She helps me by being the med management person of our family. When she passes, I will be scared. Because I will not have med management here. Hopefully I can move into assisted living.

My father is staunch Catholic, and believes that I had problems, but believes that it's all a lie, that I convinced myself of the lie. That I am an abomination to his beliefs, that I am not his son, because of the problems I have. I fear him for this reason. He just wants control. He is used to being the man of the house, and he gets mad, shutting things off, because he doesn't want y of us questioning his 'authority'.

Yet when I ignore him, something always goes wrong. It's the reason I want to have a life and be social again. I honestly feel that he will impair my education. I feel that he will sabotage everything I am going to aspire to (I submitted the FAFSA today).

I bet people in the state of Utah, after leaving the Church, are angry and then depressed, because the Church destroys your support network. Apostates are what we are called, and Church officials are most likely told that we are to be avoided because we will drag as many people as we can out of the rabbit hole. Or so they believe. I've made my peace since leaving. I mostly laugh at the staff at KSL news because they seem to turn into robots when I see the news.

I also have reason to believe that my dad is involved with the wrong people. Knowing I had an addiction to pills for a number of years, I know when things are off. But I have no proof, so I can only wonder.

Drugs are another thing. People at the 'forensic' unit at VMH, were told that drugs were not the answer, and the reason that drugs soothe things, but it is only for a short time from what they observed. It calms the mind, and they are right. However that is probably not what they were trying to say.

Drugs were what I needed at the time, and eventually I became an addict. I was never into hard drugs, just pills. All of this happened before, during, and after my marriage. My dealer was a guy that worked with me at a call center. My favorite drug was Percocet.

Things change quite rapidly when your world is in flux. I am very supportive of your caring for your son, cl2. Not that you need my permission or anything.

I often worry that I am viewed as a sociopath because I like talking. I am not a narcissistic person either. I just talk to much. Lol

You seem to have good intuition.

Do be careful what you share here because sometimes family and church members figure out where you go on the internet. They could figure out who you are and might cause trouble.

I am used to writing text walls. I've been debating actually writing out one of the 150 ideas for books, I've got written down. I will be much more careful, and work on keeping on topic. Thank you dagny! You are awesome!

Let's not forget/avoid mentioning the worst consequences of serious mental health pathology, violence.

With the easy availability of weapons (firearms, knifes, others), there are social victims in general ('society') and individual victims; 'all are punished' comes to mind.

Walmart shootings, school shootings, domestic violence, stray bullets, anyone?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/22/2023 12:38AM by GNPE.

I am normally not into describing violence. Violence stops with me. I may have some brushes to paint things differently, but the reality of schizophrenia is difficult to tackle without knowing internal thought processes of all those involved.

I will be much more conscious of what I write. The reality of what happened can be associated with a distorted view of reality.

I am sure what happened scares people. But I needed a medium to process it as well as letting people know how 'real' it can get. I've seen some people irl just brush it off like it was not feasible.