I am going to follow up with a therapist just to make sure I stay on track with the best possible way of handling this. I have a feeling this is just the beginning, like storm clouds stacked up as far as they eye can see.

Anagrammy :)

PS. Although I miss the kids like crazy, it means lots more free time for my projects and I'm kinda happy about that!

We're all hoping for a positive outcome.

My hope for you is that you can have some kind of positive input into the lives of those little ones so they have a solid source of wisdom in their lives when they need it.

They need boundaries -- someplace! They are going to have a difficult time in school and with friends if they don't get some kind of teachings that help them get along with others in their lives.

Adult children who cut off contact with their parents, in my view, are doing it out of fear and a sense of failure and control.

Maybe there will be a "turn-around" !

After a good night's sleep, one thing that still stands out to me is that when she thought she was about to be abandoned by her husband, she reached out for Mommy, demanding that Mommy come and live with her. How audacious, I thought (clearly Anagrammy has her own life . . .). Still, the behavior seemed a bit regressive, which is one of the ways the daughter seems to be raising/not raising her children--keeping them in infant stages as long as possible.

Now it seems that the daughter is trying to salvage the marriage and wants Mommy to back Way Off; she is wearing her big girl pants and her mommy pants and she does not need advice or, apparently, contact.

Both behaviors strike me as being manipulative, emotional knee-jerk reactions of someone whose life is spiraling out of control--someone who is flexing her muscles in a "safe" situation, the relationship with her mother.

Perhaps she is actually staging her life for a divorce, getting a support piece guarantee while trying to control when the break happens. Practicing a break with Mommy seems a counter-productive act, but given the description of the daughter, very much in her range.

Don't know if this makes much sense. I continue to admire you, Anagrammy, for your forthright honesty. Continuing to model integrity and consistent action for your daughter seems to me to be one of the most loving practices you can undertake. Your strength and clarity are beautiful.

Thanks again to all for the additional encouragement. I do have the sense, like Ishmael said, that my daughter is careening right now.

I will be seeing her on April 30th at a family birthday party, and I am preparing myself. The stance I am most comfortable with is using some of the words suggested in the original thread, which is that the daughter and I are on a little break while she sorts things out with her parenting. If the conversation goes on, I'll throw in, "We disagree, but she's the mother and it's her call."

And, of course, I learned how to fake smile when I was Mormon. You smile and nod, "Fine, great, and you?" no matter how crushed I felt inside, so I have that down pat.

Her sisters tell me to tell her, "Go to therapy and work your crap out with a professional instead of screwing up your kids." I think I will let them tell her that if they want.

When my daughter wants to talk, I am going to be easy going about this. I'm going to ratchet down the drama and just say, "You know, sometimes a person needs a break from the family drama. Sometimes it gets to be too much. Your sister and I didn't speak for a year and we're very close now. It will be ok." And then tell her I love her and give her a hug. Period. Then ask about the children and maybe give her some new books for them.

I didn't mention it, but this is the (only) daughter who said she wanted to take care of me when I'm old. She has a big heart, she is just lost in her anti-mom mothering.

I feel very calm about this party coming up and having this board to support me has lessened my anxiety about losing another child. Hugs to all and I'll let you know how it goes.

Anagrammy

Sorry- meant this to go on the bottom.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2011 11:38AM by anagrammy.

Yeah, making good decisions and transition demands holding anxiety, which is really tough. It is challenging for many people and very difficult for some, who flip back-and-forth trying to relieve the tension and fear they feel. I admire anagrammy's ability to hold her anxiety. It's something her daughter is still working on.

Being a parent or grand parent can be an expanding experience.

I have concluded that if it doesn't feel good, I try like hell not to go there. At my age, nothing is more important than that I feel good. I try to back up (sometimes - way back) and send love to family, friends and the grumpy ones in my experience. Developing a better sense of humor has been helpful for me.

Hugs and love to you.

For adoptation. You offered this is my acceptance.

I'll just call you Grammy now, though I think Freevoved adopted me at one point, which is odd since I'm about 6 years older than he is.

Besides keeping your own sanity, you are role modeling for DD what it is to set boundaries with others. And a therapist is a great idea to help support you through this time.

With neither her husband nor you there living with her, DD may be forced to realize that SHE is the one with the unaddressed issues.

The ball is in her court. Keep us posted!

Resist the urge to make your daughter's problems your own.
Let her live her life and learn from her mistakes.

Meanwhile, enjoy your freedom and live your own life to the fullest.

She said when her son turned 12, she told him to start thinking and adapting what she had taught him as his mother. She said she'd done the best she could, but it was up to him to buck up and face challenges if she'd made mistakes. Because no parent is perfect, every child must learn to tweek or discount whatever parenting they deem impractical or in conflict with their needs.

Moms need to try but kids need to try just as much. Afterall, it's their life they're sacrificing if they spend it railing against when they were weaned from the breast instead of living their life as best they can.

In fact, along similar lines, I like the idea of "good enough" parenting. The requirement isn't to be perfect, just good enough. "Good enough" means kids get their needs met but not so perfectly that they don't have make their own adjustments or don't have to individuate from their parents. The kids aren't crippled and they aren't pampered. The idea of "good enough" also saves parents from perfectionist guilt. What it takes, of course, is different for every kid. I think the biggest surprise to me as a parent was having to adapt to every one of my kids.