So I'm having a bout of insecurity. I've done a lot of work on this stuff since becoming aware of it ... oh, about 8 years ago. I know exactly what started it, and you know how things kind of go in cycles ... well, I can count the things that have added to it. I know it's irrational. But there's knowing, and there's feeling.

I'm the product of a controlling, mood-disordered father who was always mad about something and a mother who saw me as competition and still manages to find something negative in everything, always telling me I shouldn't do, feel, or be X. And both Mormon, so life was a big impossible test and eight or nine of every ten things in the world were bad, evil scary bad. Even if you managed to avoid all of them, you could never hope to do enough of the right things to be good enough.

And here I sit, worrying that the stupidest of stupid inconsequential things that I did or didn't do or said or didn't say are going to get me in trouble somehow, and feeling endangered and not welcome in the world. I keep my spot by behaving just so, and if I screw up I can be kicked out.

Yeah, I know it's ridiculous. Believe me when I say it gets old fast.

I felt this way constantly until I was about 43. Before I figured out what it was and how I got it, I called it the feeling of impending doom and waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I guess I was aware of it; I just didn't understand it. Whenever something went awry, I would search my mental record for the offenses and be relieved if the first one was not mine. Then I would proceed to beat myself up for the offenses I imagined I did commit. And even when things were going along fine, I would continually replay events in my head to make sure everything I did and said was really OK.

Does anyone else struggle with this? I think it's as much a Mormon thing as a controlling-parent thing, and I resent the hell out of it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2011 02:09PM by munchybotaz.

in every relationship I have, everything I do. I'm always second guessing myself.

I'd say I have issues with reactive parenting, too--like Cheryl was talking about yesterday. I'm having problems with at least my son--my daughter is over the top TBM and my son is exactly opposite. I'm questioning every little thing I did while they were children as to why this is happening.

Personally, I'd prefer to just hibernate. It seems like the easier solution. I work at home so I have that option!

Yeah, I think it is perfectionism. We got the idea that we could control everything, every outcome. And rejection plays into that too. I think we just may need to actively kick these ideas to the curb every time they spring up. Like shooting at targets in a video game. Blammo!

I absolutely still feel this way sometimes- It was much, much worse 4 years ago.
I still cringe about foolish or stupid things I did in the past, probably long forgotten by others, but I don't know.

The only way I get the obssessive thoughts under control is to realize I'm harder on myself than anybody and screw 'em if they can't accept that I'm a fallible human being. A lot of time in solitude helps as well.

change the thinking scripts that run in my head.
That is where positive affirmations are effective.

If the thoughts are negative, I stop them and find something to be grateful for, reminding myself that resentment, anger, etc., cannot coexist with joy and peace and gratitude.

I have key thoughts that I use to bring myself into the NOW.

I purposely STOP the video in my head when it goes to the past. I have no need for the past, so I don't need to think about how I did this or that as it's over, done, gone.It's such a relief to never ever have to deal with it again! Love it!

Like I often say, it ought to be illegal to beat up on ourselves! We don't like anyone double checking and correcting us, or beating up on us, so why do it to ourselves? It's certainly not necessary.
There is such peace in letting the past go!
I like the adage: Don't let your past mess up your present.

When I get stuck thinking and rethinking something, I have key thoughts that I use to change the subject to something fun and creative.

For instance, as I am into a very large fabric bag/tote sewing project, I change my thinking to imagining how I am going to combine coordinating fabrics to create new bags from my drawers and drawers of remnants. I would much rather think about something creative that I am going to make, than a get stuck repeating worries, and problems!
Interestingly, when I wake up in the morning, I have that image in my mind and I can find what I need to make the bags I created while going to sleep.

I like that, Susie. I think our best projects/artwork comes from negativity. It feeds the muse.

Cleaning and organizing, however, do the same thing for me, lol.

Sometimes they're on a loop. Ugh.

It was explained to me that I'm highly critical of others (true) because I'm highly critical of myself (also true). I was raised by parents who are still highly critical (true), and despite my best efforts, I raised a highly-critical kid.

So, the kid and I are trying to give other people a much-deserved break, and we're trying to learn to go easier on ourselves, too. That's very hard.

When my father goes into critical mode (read: every time we interact), I ask him why he's being critical. My kid is calling me on the same behavior, and so on.

Until maybe my 30s, I'd think back on something I'd said in kindergarten, and I'd still feel the humiliation and shame as if I were right back there. I used to carpool to school with another kid, and he was absent one day. When they took attendance and called his name, instead of saying he was absent, I said that he was opposite. The first graders found that very funny, and I wanted to die.

Rationally, I understood how ridiculous it was to think back to that incident and still feel as horrible as I did when I was five, but that knowledge didn't prevent those emotions from coming back for 30 years. Ugh. It doesn't bother me anymore, and I'm not sure why, but that was Fuck Up #1 in my Life's List of Fuck Ups. I love it when that list turns into a mental slide show.

So, yeah, Munchaaaay. I know what you're talking about.

(((((Munchaaaaaay)))))



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2011 09:44AM by Beth.

I'm in a new situation at work that's really pushing my buttons. It helps a lot knowing others have similar thoughts and feelings. Second guessing, perfectionism, obsessive, aaaaand critical ... it is all those things.

I'm mostly OK with being critical, unless I fail to keep the "but" to myself and sense that it bummed someone else out. Then the "Uh-oh! Gonna Get Kicked Out" show starts.

All I have to do to feel better about myself on that count is compare myself to my mom. OMG, everything has a downside. If it's not flat-out unacceptable, then it has an undesirable feature or some reason why it can't be done. Just about anything you can think of to say, she will counter in some way. Even my dad used to tell her she was negative.

I'm more about how things could be improved--be funnier, look better, etc. I hope I didn't give that to my kid, but I probably did.

I know I didn't give him the thing where he has to behave just so. In fact, I went too far the other way--instinctively, without even trying. I sometimes think that a tiny smidge of the guilt and fear I was raised with might have been a good thing.

:-)