The comments on your post were all over the place, but one thing I noticed is that you kept saying...we tried that....or he doesn't want to, etc. So if that is the case why are you with him.

Divorce hurts kids yes, but you seem to be in great pain. Imagine if you weren't. Wouldn't your life be fuller and you could be happy every day? The kids will eventually find out that mommy needed her space and that is all you need to tell them now really. I see no happiness with you staying with your husband. Set him free to have a person in his life who will not cheat on him. And you go do what makes you happy. You will always care about him....but your love for him just is NOT enough IMO.

Restoring trust would be very difficult would be very difficult. Men forgive affairs much less easily than women. My guess would be that the husband is angry and therefore even less likely to feel sexual toward Rakka.

When I was married to my first wife, it became very bad. She didn't want to have sex. She didn't love me and I couldn't accept it. I had an emotional affair that kind of kept me sane. One of my friends, who was a therapist, talked with me about it and told me that my emotional affair was keeping me in a marriage that was tearing me up. It made the marriage bearable--and she was right.

I wonder if that isn't true for Rakka as well. In my relationship now, which I am quite happy with, we discussed our sexual needs and desire upfront. We both know what to expect, what the boundaries are, and our communication is open. That was a big advantage of having experience and starting over. Unfortunately, as young religious people we either don't think we need to talk about these things or--in the case of Mormonism--we are discouraged from talking it through and are *told* what to think and feel.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 04/23/2011 11:42PM by robertb.

yes, robertb. It does have a lot to do with being young and not talking about those things. It is common to just think the person you chose to marry would be like you in regards to sex. It just isn't always the case.

You made many good points. I do think emotional affairs can keep you in the marriage but at what cost? Seems like it would rip you apart to your very core.

honestone Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> You made many good points. I do think emotional
> affairs can keep you in the marriage but at what
> cost? Seems like it would rip you apart to your
> very core.

Yes. It took me years to feel better afterward. I had young kids and I wanted to stay married. It hadn't yet occurred to me that *I* could have custody of the kids and raise them, which is what I did and was glad to do. But that is hindsight. When you are in it all you feel is hopelessness and dread and you will try anything except letting go. At least that was me.

Add Mormonism into the mix and hard problems become impossible because there is are no choices in Mormonism except the ones the Church presents. There is no room to maneuver in your thinking or feeling. It only increases the pressure.

I don't know that an open relationship would help Rakka--I tend to doubt it--but *considering* it gives her more information and different points of view, perhaps a new way of relating, if not in this relationship, then in the future. That can give her hope and if she has hope and some new ways of seeing things, she may work this out for herself.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/23/2011 11:45PM by robertb.

Thank you... Everything just feels so hopeless. His job keeps him away for more than half the year. Even when he's here it's like having another child to care for, not a husband. I feel very alone. I am going to keep thinking about things.

It's the worst, when you feel like you have a child to care for and not a husband.

Yeah, I had that....but for other reasons than Rakka. Men who wish to be treated and served like a 2 yr. old are seriously pathetic.

To the person in the other thread who commented that it was pretty sad that I was in emotional pain over sex... I challenge you to try to be in a relationship with a person who emotionally and sexually starves you. I'm sorry but vibrators don't fill that void.

No they don't fill that void. That said - you're not innocent in this situation, and I hope you understand that you've almost certainly contributed hugely to the situation.

I'm coming from the other side of this discussion - sexual issues (which I was going to get medical help for) starved my husband. I was open with him, acknowledging the problem, trying the best I could to fulfill him even though I had NO interest in sex.

He still cheated on me. And it hurt like hell - and made me even less interested in sex. Now all I see when we have sex is the woman he cheated with. Literally - that's all. I. see.

And this man was and is the light in my life. I adore him. But he absolutely destroyed my sexual interest. I hope someday to get it back. If he at this point suggested an "open marriage," I'd be devastated. And yes, I'd file for divorce - because it's clear we're no longer on the same page.

An open marriage only works if both people are on board with it and your sex lives are in *good* shape. What you're actually asking for is *not* an open marriage. You're asking for permission to cheat, and reinforcing that he's not enough for you. In the long run (or even the short run), that isn't good.

If you need something different, then you're looking at divorce, and it's not a bad or negative thing. It's okay if you're not compatible. It happens. Be kind to yourself and to your husband by ending this. Show your kids that sometimes marriages are't healthy for the couple involved, and show them how to be compassionate to each other when ending a relationship.

Some people aren't meant to be married. There's nothing wrong with that.

You're right... and I very much suspect that we should not be married... but our situation is so precarious when it comes to our children. it won't be as simple as we move to a town and share custody. Both of our jobs are constantly taking us all over the world. I have primary custody but we need to be in a central location if either of us wants to see the children at all. It's going to get very complicated to attempt to untangle :(.

My heart is breaking for my 2 little ones... I am so angry with myself for putting them in this position. It's not their fault that I was so stupid.

If it wasn't for them... and that... We would have split up a long time ago.

Regarding your kids...

Kids *do* adapt, especially if everything is handled well. If they know they are loved by both parents, if both parents share custody without making the children feel like they're the rope in a tug-of-war... they will be okay.

It's far better for kids to grow up in a divorced (but civil) environment between their parents than in a married environment where the parents hate each other.

The latter truly leads to teaching kids poor relationship behaviors. The former may force them to grow up faster, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I think a trial separation (that you mention below) is probably a good thing. If nothing else, it can let you pull back a bit, breathe and calm down, and see things with clearer perspective.

I've been in your shoes. It's extremely painful to be with someone who doesn't really care about your bedroom needs. I wasted over a decade of my life trying to accomodate her every possible way I could so it could be somewhat decent. What a waste of time. It was all in vain. I've finally reached the point where I don't care what other people think. My only regret is that I didn't break free much earlier. I feel bad about this every day.

I'm just really lost today. I'm sorry for all the posts. It's been a very very hard couple months.

My husband has 2 years left on his current job assignment. I'm fairly sure my contract will be let go due to other circumstances...

What if I came stateside with the children (he would get allowances for us to do so) for the duration of his contract.... and see how things are when he's done? Is that selfish? I know neither one of us wants to divorce completely right now with the kids so young but would a trial seperation be an ok thing to do?

Absolutely a trial separation would be an okay thing to do. Often it is this very thing that makes it apparant you really do need to divorce OR it makes it clear you really do love being married to the person afterall. Let us know what you decide.