Posted by:
fishsticklama
(
)
Date: April 24, 2011 12:50PM
A few years ago I had a class mate screw me over and steal something of mine. I decided to get revenge. Our teacher was a douche and an active Mormon. Our final was to write a 10k word essay on any historical topic we chose. I wrote one about Mormonism. I purposely went all over the place and threw in loads of critical arguments every chance I got. I left the essay under 5k words and turned it in under this students name. The week previously the student got in an argument over a bad paper with the teacher that was too short and sloppy. Perfect chance to kill 2 birds with one stone and see how it all unfolded.
Long post you have been warned
A Latter-Day Rant for The Dispensation of Fullness of Times in The Spirit of Elias, Elijah and Under the Direction of Michael, Our Heavenly Father
Jesus probably got home after his ascension and took a nap. Upon waking up the following day he noticed that Kolob was hidden in the clouds with only a few rays of light breaking through and he must have thought about his ministry and reflected upon that light and truth he gave the world. Surely he realized upon reflection that his ministry, like Kolob in the heavenly firmament, had been obscured and kept in the shadows. Jesus was not new to mankind having difficulty understanding his message. He tried to communicate with the inhabitants of the earth over 4 frustrating days after he made the earth, but it seemed Kolob was just too large and kept interfering with his words as the word traveled through space and arrived at earth. He finally got annoyed and decided to go visit earth in person. Things started out well, he started telling everyone who he was and correcting all the stupid mistakes man had made as they attempted to listen and follow the cosmic voice for the past 4 thousand earth years. In the next 30 years Jesus learned many valuable lessons. He learned how sacred and precious life could be. He came to value the life of every one of his father’s children, even the sinners, unbelievers and publicans. He learned what unconditional love was and he even began to use his godly powers for preserving and healing those around him. His heart softened and he decided to change his methods of behavior. He decided to kill less and forgive more. One night after sending a bunch of pigs to their death off a cliff he felt Godly sorrow. That was a first and upon that sudden stroke of inspiration He had an epiphany! Jesus remembered all those times he told his chosen people to practice genocide against other nations and kill off anyone that would pose any potential threat in the future regardless of their innocence. He also remembered how he accidently told the water to flood the entire earth and it drowned everyone save 8 souls. Thinking about all the nations and empires that fell under his command he started feeling like he needed to make amends. He began to change his ways. He had learned to love, to forgive and not to condemn. He was born again and wanted everyone else to be just like him. He decided that there was no better way to set an example and show his love then to give his life. It was a nice little bonus that giving his life and spilling that Godly blood would make restitution for all the people that had died during his stay yonder by Kolob. A win/win for sure! Death, resurrection, ascension YIPPIE!
So, close to 2 days later while looking at Kolob, jesus remembered that while he set the perfect example, showed everyone how to live and taught them what they needed to give up to be with him; he had forgotten to tell everyone HOW to do it! “Holy mother of Elohim“ he exclaimed! Jesus had to fix things, ASAP before he returned to the earth again to receive his Kinghood and inheritance. God knows his house was a house of order and there he wanted a prefect little Kingdom. How could a kingdom be perfect if the King only shined a little while great dark clouds blocked out his holy visage? Jesus attempted to visit this farm boy named Joseph Smith many times in this grove, but Kolob kept interfering with his message and none of his messengers could get it right. One time he even sent a handful of his angels and Joseph just didn’t get it. The forest almost caught on fire and the message was completely lost to the stupid boy. Finally he decided to grab his father, whose brightness and Glory defied all description exceeding his own and go visit the boy Joseph in personage. Jesus was beginning another evolution of Godhood when he visited this unlearned boy. In the beginning he was a cruel and careless God. Then he learned love, compassion and forgiveness. Now He would evolve into a God of knowledge and know how.
It didn’t take Jesus very long to figure out a change needed to be made again. He started out by showing his love for Joseph, forgiving him and telling the boy prophet what the truth was that all the churches then in existence were abominations and Joseph would be called to be his servant and set up a true one. Jesus had learned from his 30 years in mortality that the things of the spirit were far better than the temporal. He learned everlasting life was a greater reward than having riches, having super human strength, and even a greater reward then giving men a handful of white and delightsome wives. Equally, everlasting damnation was a far greater punishment than a curse of dark skin, being swallowed by a whale for a few days, being stricken dumb, lame or blind and even demonic possession. Jesus also saw the value man was now giving knowledge rather than riches and prosperity like they had in the past. He decided to tell Joseph that he would reward everyone with more knowledge if they obeyed him and he would make their current knowledge leak out and disappear if they didn’t obey.
After Joseph’s visitation, he had a pretty hard time using the knowledge Jesus had given him to do what was right and start building the Kingdom. Joseph was so dense that he couldn’t even remember if he saw God the father and Jesus Christ 3 years later. This should have been a telling sign that maybe Joseph wasn’t the best choice, but God damn it, God wouldn’t repent himself. He even had to send an angel to Joseph’s bed one night and repeat the same thing 3 times word for word. Sadly Joseph still got it wrong and misheard him on his third recitation. It wasn’t much of a surprise when Joseph mistranslated a book called the book of mormon. Joseph needed an explanation with everything and God was getting a little tired of it. He allowed Joseph to add his own assumptions and opinions about where the book was originally buried, who the inhabitants where and where they lived etc. Jesus even let Joseph mistranslate the kind of cloth, weapons, animals, and food the lamanites and Nephites had. God the father or maybe the son or was it the Holy Ghost? Well it doesn’t matter, one of those or maybe all of them as one, hmmm. Anyway, Soon God figured he would leave everything in the hands of the young prophet and check back every once in a while to see how things were progressing. After all he had given him a magic rock and a super cool hat to translate the book so Jesus the Lord assumed Joseph would keep using that peep stone and top hat to figure out how to build the kingdom of god.
After a short time Joseph Smith became cocky and full of pride. Joseph started to think that any thought that crept into his mind was the revealed will and word of God. Joseph began to figure out answers to every question and soon he knew more than anyone else on the earth. Probably more then everyone combined. He started translating forged documents, making bad decisions, getting drunk and smacking his wife around and he found all this rage bundled up inside of him. It didn’t help that those he trusted questioned his decisions, laughed at his horrible syntax and grammar and even found peep stones of their own. He was going to explode, like a rock cut out from a mountain he was going to roll forth and break apart everything that was laid before his path. Luckily he discovered that if he satisfied his sexual appetite by having dirty little nasty affairs with all the pretty young fannys walking around he would be able to quell this destructive anger. It wasn’t long before this choice seer revealed a new and everlasting covenant so he could righteously take all the virgins he desired without reproach or committing adultery. Joseph found great pleasure in upping the stakes with every new wife he bed. He progressed from housemaids to twin sisters, then went down on a 14 year old girl at one time that just happened to be his best friends daughter. He even tried to sleep with the wives of the men closest to him and that trusted him the most. That sure was a gamble at times, but he succeeded more than a handful of attempts.
Joseph was starting to get a little bored and remembered that he needed to keep building God’s Kingdom on earth so he decided that he would build a bank, go to war to get back zion, run for president etc. to increase his effectiveness in restoring Gods Kingdom. Unfortunately all of those endeavors were unsuccessful and utterly failed. The worst part is that he talked everyone into buying into those ideas through purported revelations, when all efforts failed he just told everyone that God was happy for their willingness and sacrifice then he blamed all he could for the failure. One day Joseph checked in on God. God was not very happy with what Joseph was doing and told him to repent. Joseph said he would and God told him to keep on working till he was 80 years old. When Joseph was 80 he would return. Joseph felt inspired and righteous again so he decided to continue with his plans on building more temples before the generation had passed away. Joseph kept dispensing knowledge from any and every source he could get his hands on. He found some mummies and decided to translate the papyri and soon came out with more scripture. He didn’t even care if God helped him translate at this point. He could do it all, the world was his oyster, and the kingdom well… it began to look a lot less like God’s and more like his. One day joseph got all his most trusted men together for another secret council and had them anoint him king and priest over Israel and all the word.
When Jehova got word of this usurper he fumed “pay lay ale” and his words, filled with wrath and the will of Elohim and the spirit – being one god in purpose but few of the many plural gods sitting yonder in their thrones of glory, reached the ends of the earth and entered into the hearts of men. Those men then conspired to dethrone old joe for his arrogance and pompous pride. They wouldn’t let Joseph have any more power and dominion. They made a printing press, told the truth about Joseph Smith, his lies, his adultery, his many wives, etc. Joseph didn’t like it but he let it go until he saw them expose the truth that he had been anointed king and priest. Joseph couldn’t let that be so he destroyed the printing press. It wasn’t long before Joseph had to flee for his life. The night of his escape he was caught and exposed to be a coward and deserter, Joseph wouldn’t let his image be tainted so he decided to stay in town and try to face the opposition. He was arrested and could feel his death approaching. While in jail he was handed a gun a fellow danite snuck in so he could protect himself. Not long after a mob rushed the jailhouse, tried to bust down the door and kill the prophet. Joseph fought the best he could and killed a few of them off but soon his brother and he were shot down. In one final attempt to stay alive he shouted a Masonic cry for mercy, but there was none for the widow’s son. He jumped out the window and fell to his death after being shot multiple times. At this point one would think that God would intervene and keep the building of his Kingdom on track. It appears God overslept and many more men filled Joseph’s position as prophet, seer and revelator. Their job would have been easier if God was actually revealing things to them, but he wasn’t. Brigham young took the reign, married a hell of a lot of women and after 8 or 9 years of vehemently denying the practice of polygamy, he and others boldly accepted the practice as a noble heritage and shouted to all the world how lucky they were. Brigham had learned a lot from Joseph and learned how to make up doctrines, and pretend to be speaking by way of the Lord’s influence. He loved his white women and had only distain for the negro race. He banned the priesthood from those fence sitters and kept having sex with all his wives and concubines for the years to come. At times he tried to live the word of wisdom, but usually it was just too hard. He loved Joseph and wanted to avenge the blood of that man. Under Brigham’s word a group of Mormons gathered together and eradicated a party of trekkers passing through Utah and Mountain Meadows. Brigham expounded on a doctrine called blood atonement which had been carried out at the Mountain Meadows Massacre and even turned his musings on Adam and God into doctrine. He enjoyed confusing everyone at the veil in the temple on who Adam, Michael, and Heavenly Father were. He defended the actions of horny old men to castrate the lovers of the young beautiful women and died a happy man dreaming of Joseph.
Soon the mormons came under fire for illegally practicing polygamy and causing such a ruckus in the Utah territory that the rest of the states were concerned. More persecution was born and the government was threatening to cease their assets and deny them statehood. Luckily John Taylor, the next leader died as he went into hiding and refused to cease plural marriage. God had apparently showed up in the picture again with a glorified Joseph and revealed that plural marriage would never end. Apparently Joseph was better to have with him then Jesus’ own father. John died and a new leader came in his place. This new guy woodruff could care less about John Taylors revelations to never abandon polygamy. He didn’t want to go to jail, wanted statehood, and he wanted the church to keep all its money and assets. There was nothing better to wilford woodruff then a cool summers night birthday celebration at the temple. He loved dressing up in his favorite doe skin in the company of his wives and 77 or so virgins. Just him and all those pretty young virgins, mmm, mmm.
Leader after leader died their contributions pathetic and their self serving policies put in place for the blind sheep. As cocky as they would all turn out to be, none of these men were comparable to Joseph Smith in terms of seership. None were willing to pretend to translate new scripture, receive new theological revelations on the whim of justification for bad behavior or bring to light new doctrine. They were all men who found God too sacred and didn’t bother talking with him. They felt at ease with talking to themselves and making up policies for Gods supposed church. It took over a hundred years and a threat of tax exemption for one of these prophets to rescind their racial practices. Just like Joseph Smith, the founder, these leaders were too prideful to admit mistakes and apologize so they just said to forget about all the racist doctrine and move on. After a while A twisted and evil genius named Mark Hoffman fooled all of those prophets, seers and revelators and sold them embarrassing and forged documents about their church and Joseph Smith. None of these prophets were in tune with God enough to detect the evil aura this guy had and the lies he sold them. After Hoffman killed a few people he was caught and sent to trial. At first these mormon leaders lied to the police and obstructed the investigation. Eventually they were caught in the deceptive web they tried to spin. In order to avoid further embarrassment the leaders used their power and control to make a deal with Hoffman and keep the trial from going public and evading any more scrutiny.
This guy named Gordon Bitner Hinckley ran the show for some time before he was made president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and took control over the corporate sole. Hinckley was embarrassed over much of the church’s doctrine as taught through Joseph Smith regarding the nature of God, despite Hinckley’s undying love for a song about Joseph being, well… the best, entitled “praise to the man.” Hinckley wanted to mainstream the church into a vanilla Protestantism and gain acceptance. He didn’t like to be made fun of and had a low self esteem and little integrity. He decided early on in his apostleship for the church to keep quiet and not take any position regarding controversial doctrines. Many leaders had done this in the past and they turned out to make the church look completely false because they were dead wrong. Many pressing issues needed to be answered by revelation, but no one had any of it so they figured out a way to avoid answering any questions that would clarify long held doctrinal disputes and conflictions with science and known facts. The Bretheren decided to make up a position for members they called official doctrine. It makes no sense and it’s a load of baloney, but it created a nice little space of room for those suffering from cognitive dissonance to accept the divine claims of Joseph’s church and accepted the real world around them. So, back to Hinckley, he started doing interviews on live television in an effort to make the church seem less weird. He didn’t do a very good job despite his ignorance that things were changing. He lied quite a bit in most of those interviews and made a lot of members upset. The church likes to maintain the image that Hinckley made great strides and covered a lot of distance to make Mormonism more acceptable and less weird even though they keep doing PR stunts and campaigns to let everyone know that Mormonism is normal. It’s not working and they can’t figure out why. Hinckley is pretty old now, he’ll probably die soon, but with a surety the church will pay a great homage to him and try to carry on his legacy. The next man to be called as the prophet and take over the very wealthy corporation is Thomas Monson.
Thomas is incredibly dull. He is probably the most pathetic and least charismatic person that will fill the capacity as President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I may not be as bold or pompous as Joseph to declare myself a prophet, but please permit me to see into the future for but a moment and tell you what will become. Much like this paper, the Mormon Church has evolved over time and its themes and directions have changed. Joseph started the church with a focus on Christ and a humble enough attitude to give Jesus credit for his accomplishments. It didn’t take long for Jesus Christ to be pushed to the side and Joseph Smith to become the focus. Joseph became so integral and emphasized in importance by the end of his life that one of the apostles wrote that he had done more than any man save Jesus Christ for the salvation of man. Joseph boasted that he had done what Christ could not do and that no man knew him nor his history. I would agree that no man knew “his” history because he changed and embellished it so much it was impossible to know it. Brigham wanted to shout for joy every time thought about knowing the man Joseph. Brigham loved Joseph, no doubt, just as Jesus did only what he saw the father do so Brigham did only what he saw Joseph do. He followed Joseph’s example instead of Jesus’. His last words before death’s embrace were “Joseph, Joseph”
Over time the church had to drop weird practices and deny strange doctrines for the approval of the world. A world which, according to mormons, they should be apart from. Mormonism will continue to change and deny off putting doctrines in order to assimilate into mainstream Christianity. Leaders will remain silent and refuse to reveal and see into the future. They will continue to spend the tithe payer’s money and waste it on resorts in Hawaii, ranches, real estate, hunting reserves and other worldly things in order to create more revenue and extend their influence. The last theologian to be called as one of the 15 leaders in the church died over 20 years ago. The leaders are made up of business men and this trend will continue. Expect more expensive temples to be built and more gold fillings sold by the destitute and the poor for their own chance at a temple. Expect more ridiculous business ventures to be started. They seem to want to go bigger each time. Expect in the next 10 years for large community project to be built in Salt Lake City, Utah. Possibly a new or large stadium or church museum will be built with housing accommodations for travelers or residents. Either way, it will likely dwarf the past projects and require a great deal of money. Likely the leaders will deny tithing money was used for it because the tithing money was used to invest and they are using the invested money. Don’t expect them to be forthcoming about it or honest.
Now, after having read this from beginning to end you will probably ask yourself what the hell was the point of it all. I am not quite sure, this paper has been running all over the map and I suppose its hard to find the meaning of it all. The Mormon Church is the same way. When taken as a whole its an utter mess. It seems that seeing visions, translating new scripture, and revealing new doctrines has gone the way of the dinosaur, after the fall of course otherwise no death would occur. The church is now a corporation that demands you to obey and pay rather than question and verify. Visions have been replaced with a very dull semi-annual general conference. Translation of scripture has been trashed for absurd apologetics. New doctrine has been shoved aside for nice casual dress, no facial hair, 1 pair of ear rings for women, and gay marriage. As you can see, the truth of the church may be in question, but the radical changes of the institution are clear and unmistakable. Hey! Jesus how come you took a backseat for so long, I thought we were talking about THE Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-Day Saints. Come and finish what you started. All this talk about Joseph Smith made me completely forget you were ever in the picture!
“Oh ...cough... Alright,” croaked Jesus Christ. “Well let me tell you all about it!” Upon Jesus Christ’s failure with Joseph Smith he wondered if he would ever get his kingdom ready for his return. 80 years on earth passed since the death of Joseph Smith and Jesus Christ realized he couldn’t possibly go down to earth in its current shape. Thankfully polygamy was done away with and the leaders of the Mormon Church were hesitant to speak on behalf of the Lord. They realized every time they opened their mouth to proclaim and reaffirm what the church taught, it would be rejected and proven absurd in the coming decade. Jesus Christ decided to stop telling everyone about his plural wives and how his father had sex with mary his earthly mother. He knew they just wouldn’t understand. He began to focus on the spiritual again; he spoke of the evils of petting, masturbation, pornography and the natural man. Through a quaint little man named Spencer Kimball, Jesus tried to guilt everyone for all the smallest sins they could commit in hopes that they would shape up. He warned about the evils of oral sex, anal sex, contraception, circle jerking, and foretold the consequences of masturbation. Said consequences of masturbation and pornography would turn you into a homosexual. Spencer Kimball managed to change the racial policies of the church and ban of the priesthood to the seed of Cain. It was not easy, but he was able to do it as the Lords prophet of God. He did it just in time to get the Brazilian members worthy to attend the temple built there, to keep the church’s tax exempt status, and to keep the BYU sports program from being screwed over. It must have been this mans special spiritual gifts to allow him the privileges and opportunities of seeing the lamanite’s dark skin turn white and delightsome. After some serious thought it remains unclear how the skin turned white. We don’t want to know.
The years passed on as did Spencer and other leaders that came after him. Jesus was not very happy about the Mark Hoffman scandal and murders, nor was he pleased with the deception of the leaders, but he forgave them and decided to spare the world of his impending apocalyptic coming in the near future. The church faced a new challenge to face its critical history and charges of covering things up. They were caught quite a few times in their dishonest words and deeds, but one of the leaders and possibly the prophet one day warned the church and justified his own actions of deception. He told the leaders and educators that not all truth was useful and it was their responsibility to teach the faithful history and ignore the true history. The church closed off access to many sensitive documents after it proved too harmful to have them accessible and Jesus was pleased. Jesus didn’t want the embarrassing past to reflect poorly on him either. After some time he noticed that rules were being implemented on the kinds of clothes you should wear, whether you could have facial hair or not and the color of shirt you could have to pass Jesus’ holy sacrament or bless it. He noticed that the church had been over run with mandatory and pressured statistics to get things done. Missionaries no longer baptized for his glory, but for approval from their leaders, recognition from peers, pride, and simply out of pressure to perform. Priesthood holders were drilled to do home teaching and it seemed that everyone had to answer to their ecclesiastical leaders for just about everything. Doing these things for the Lord’s Glory was a dying concept. Jesus Christ was pissed.
When he tried to communicate with Gordon Hinckley that things needed to change the only response he could get was “I don’t know.” Jesus Christ was so upset that he went to get a drink of some wine after a trip to temples square. When he asked his apostles and prophets to join him in the holy of holies they all arrived in their expensive suits and spit shined shoes. Jesus sat there in his glory and mocked them for their attire and cracked a few jokes to Thomas Monson. He asked him if he had followed the example of Joseph when Thomas was in charge of a ward with 80 something widows. Thomas just shifted uncomfortably and made a whimpering sound. “Alright, break the bread and pass the wine you pharisaical bastards” joked Jesus. The room remained silent, no one fidgeted, no one spoke, all was still and small like the whisperings of the spirit. Jesus grabbed Gordon’s cane and slapped him over the head with it. “Bring the wine damn it!” Hinckley responded in a long winded and croaking voice “I don’t have any, we don’t drink wine Lord” Jesus was visibly pissed off and ready to grind someone down to dust. Hinckley continued to croak and wave his hands frantically “ LORD! We don’t drink wine per your command. It’s not doctrinal! “ Jesus sat there, fuming in disbelief. “Lord, please, its behind us I’m not sure that anyone knew you ever drank wine, it was never emphasized, we moved on.” Jesus told all the men to silence themselves as he ascended back nigh unto Kolob. “Elohim, my wrath is kindled and I will go forth and trample the earth in my anger.” “It is well Jehova.” Jesus is now coming as the sign of the son of man in all his glory to burn the wicked and oppress the oppressor. The end is at hand, nigh, even at the door.
P.S. Breaking News! Facsimile No. 2 Figure 9 has just been translated!
Figure 9: FUCK YOU.