I was wondering how those of you on here with a TBM spouse handle tithing in your house. I brought it up early one iwth my wife but have ignored it for a while now. She seemed very hurt by the idea of not paying tithing and I'm picking my battles in order to keep peace in the house, so I left the tithing discussion alone for a few months. But last week I saw a check written out to the church for $1400 in March and it made me a little sick. I'd like to talk to her and give her my compromise of paying 5% since she's a stay at home mom and has no income of her own to pay tithing on and half of what I have is hers. That way she's still paying 10% on her half.

How have others handled this?

up for discussion, then later try to cut it back some more.

You might also put 10% in a fund. Either of you can spend exactly half as you see fit.

You can use your half to do fun things for the family, or buy her gifts.


Is there something she wants (besides your soul!) that you could give her as part of a negotiation?

I wish there was something I could offer her in negotiations. In her mind, no material possession or purchased life experience is more important than the church. Any gift bought with money that she thinks should go to tithing would be tainted.

This is exactly the discussion I had with my spouse. He argued at first, but I gently reminded him of free agency and that each and every individual needs the agency to make their own choice regarding tithing. If he forces me to pay the tithing, he is removing my agency -- which was Satan's plan. (It doesn't matter whether you believe this or not - it seems to hit home for TBMs though.) Within just a few weeks, he acknowledged the truth in that and now only tithes on his "half" of the income. Be patient and loving and persistent, and good luck!

Yes, I would use the free agency argument with her. She or the Church can't FORCE you to pay tithing. It goes against free will/agency.

I would say at the maximum only 5% of the your salary should be paid in tithing as that would be from her "half" of the household income (since you guys are married). I would say that is fair if she was a stay at home spouse for good reasons (take care of small children or health reasons).

If she has no reason NOT to work, I'd say she should get a job so she can pay tithing. Why make YOU pay tithing on YOUR money when you don't believe in it? In addition, God is not going to withhold blessings from HER for YOUR actions. Remember "Men are punished for their own sins..."

If she contributes nothing to the household financially, then give her a salary and let her pay 10% on that. I don't think I could handle someone giving my money away to an organization that I know is a fraud.

I am in the same situation on onlyme. I am the only breadwinner in the house. My DW stays at home. The way I explained it to her, since I'm the one putting in the hours at the office, the money that I bring home is my income, and she is not obligated to pay tithing on any part of it. I stopped paying at the beginning of 2010. She hasn't said anything to me about it. Of course, that could be because we go out on dates more often. Onlyme, show her your paycheck. Whose name is on it? EX-cult-member's strategy is a sound and adult way of compromising on the issue, but I wouldn't do that in my marriage. I say, whatever income my DW earns, she can pay tithing on that. If she has no income, she's not obligated to pay tithing.

This was posted a couple of weeks ago by weeder. I think his solution is brilliant!


Posted by: weeder ( )
Date: April 06, 2011 11:03AM
No tithing either (going on years and years) ...

My TBM wife insisted she needed to continue to pay tithing after I discovered the truth about the cult. I told her: "Not one dime of the money I earn is going to the church" -- She agreed to that and sent 10% of her income to Salt Lake coffers for the building up of the Jesus Mall. Being the defiant apostate that I was I found that even seeing my wife throw way money like that bothered me to the extreme. No act of persuasion convinced her to cease (she stated she couldn't live without her temple recommend -- gag) ...

Time passed and the "issue" of wasted money occasionally popped up in our relationship ... finally I stated if she could throw 10% of her income down the toilet then so could I (my 10% is about 10 times her 10%) ... I pegged my wife pretty good cause I knew penny-pinching was a big part of her psyche.

I proceeded to seek out obvious swindles on the internet -- AND the more bogus the names sounded the BETTER. I sent pretty big checks that must have floored these small-time bogus scams (and, oh yes, they certainly became MUCH more interested in me!!!).

I had out-prophecied the prophets of SLC (pretty easy actually) and my wife's tight purse strings overcame all that life-support she claimed to receive from being fully tithed. She quit paying tithing. ... Oh, yes, she had one relapse (I suspect the bishop had a great deal to do with that one) and I had to once again find a scam to send my monthly allotment of our income to. My wife immediately ceased and desisted with money for the betterment of old men in Salt Lake.

This year both I and my wife have received the largest (by far) bonuses from our common employer, and I'm glad to say that none of that benefit will be flowing toward Salt Lake (it has taken me several years to divest myself of all monetary interests in Salt Lake).

Screw tithing -- thanks for the instant 10% raise!!!!


Posted by: weeder ( )
Date: April 06, 2011 12:17PM
DNA, you'd have to come up with a really "scammy" sounding organization ..

... above all other considerations I think it was the NAME of the institutions I was sending my money too that really got under my wife's skin. The little snail-mail reminders from these stupid organizations proved to be a very effective reminder to my wife NOT to get back on the "pay the lard's tenth first" bandwagon.

I know it sounds pretty harsh, but I truly do love my wife and my tough on the pocketbook training didn't last very long at all!!! It was marvelously effective ... I had lined out quite a few bogus places to donate to, yet, in reality I think I sent out three months "tithing" (maybe four) and then a one month refresher course and my wife is cured (at least of SLC-bound income) ... she's starting to see many of the benefits of non-compliance and that gives me hope that one day we will be totally free from cult manipulation.

Clever psychology, but not very well thought through...

If you were going to send 10% of your income to bogus scams just to prove a point to your wife, it would have been incredibly easy to start the scams yourself and stash the money away for a rainy day.

Just sayin'... the point was proven, but you could have kept the money too.