Hi all, I have read many of your stories & posts with great interest. I'm a never-mo, but my dearest friend since age 12 (we're now 30) was BIC and is a strong-minded but very devout woman. She is literally like my sister, & to her credit, she & her family never pressured me or made me feel "less than", even though I've lived what they consider a very amoral life and have always rejected the church's teachings. (I have experienced a lot of pressure & judgement from other Mormons, though, including her husband's father the former Bishop).

She has 4 boys and 1 girl, and is a kind & loving mother. My question for you all is: How can I (subtly) support her little girl's self-esteem beyond the "be a wife and mother" formula she will be taught? My heart aches for her when I think about how she will have to sit through ridiculously sexist & demeaning YW activities, etc. while all of her brothers do scouts and other exciting things. She is still young enough that she sees no difference between herself and her brothers, but I know this will soon change. I don't want to interfere, but I want to give her positive messages that girls & women are NOT limited by their gender.

What messages, statements, or ideas would have been helpful to you from a trusted non-mo adult, growing up as a (female) child in the church? (Again, for the sake of friendship, I need to be respectful and not too overt.)

Thanks so much for your insight. I wish you all well.

OK, I would say first, be a good example yourself. If she is being told be a good wife and mother is what good women do, then she sees you being a wonderful person but having other interests, a career etc., it will send a strong message that you can be more and still be good. She won't entirely be able to believe that all good women are primarily wives and mothers.

Second, encourage her in her career things - go to her science fair, light up when she talks about getting a degree and offer to help her with her studies. Remind her how proud you are of her when she letters in basketball or says something that shows she is using her intelligence. Ask her what SHE thinks whenever you get a chance. That will teach her that her opinions are important and she doesn't have to knuckle under to what others tell her she must believe. It will teach her she is important and interesting as herself. When she is old enough, take her to see movies about women who've made amazing contributions to society or go to lectures by famous women authors or things like that. Get her in Girl Scouts. When my daughter sees the difference between Girl Scouts and Young Women's, she can really see the contrast between what GS teach about female empowerment and the Mormon concept of "keep sweet." Be there for her to confide in. She's lucky to have you.

I love CA girls's advice!

I would add to that -- at the appropriate time, talk to her about the importance of preparing for a career. She may never need or wish to use her qualificatons, but they will be there for her if she needs to contribute to the family income.

CA girl has made some great suggestions

It is difficult to watch someone you care about harmed by out-dated sexist teachings. But no matter how deeply held your convictions are you don't have the right to undermine her family and relationships. If you do, expect to be cut off.

Continue to be a good example. Expose her to choices. Be a trustworthy confidant. Be an encouragement.

Choices are one of the top-of-the-list items that mormons Don't Think they have!

I'm sure you are concerned, but you need to recognize boundaries...
How would you feel if your friend tried to "save" your child? That is exactly what you are suggesting, you want to "save" the girl from a value system that YOU think is flawed. Frankly, that is not your place.

Your friend's daughter doesn't live in a bubble... she sees happy and successful women all around her; if you want to help then you can be one of those women. Just remember that you are not her mother or savior.

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. I value the advice, and any other suggestions.

To anyone concerned that I am trying to "save" her, I do not think people need "saving" in general, nor from this particular situation. She has a wonderful family. Mormonism actually works rather well for them and they are happy & well-adjusted. However I do think people deserve to see that life is full of choices and options, and I am simply seeking non-offensive ways to highlight this for her. Me being a part of her life speaks well to her parents' relative open-mindedness & tolerance, and I want to be a very positive person in her life. So I appreciate the fantastic suggestions, they will be helpful!

I don't think it's your place to find "non-offensive ways to highlight this for her." You are not her parent and you are not responsible for her in anyway.

This is where "It takes a village" sort of spirals out of control, IMO.

Perhaps the best thing you can do to set a positive role model example for her is to work on your own boundaries and try to sort out for yourself why you feel compelled to butt into other people's child-raising.