My mom is a widow. My father passed away 7 years ago and she has not dated or had and male friends since. Our family was 'that family' in the Ward. All kids went on missions, all sons have served in Bishoprics or High Councils, sisters are married to Bishops or men in leadership, my father was on the HC, and mom has served in a wide variety of public calings. Everyone in our area knows our family.

My mother has recently gone through a life change. She started seeing a counselor for some depression issues and one of the things that she has realized is that the church's main objective is control and total obenience of its members and it makes her mad. She has been released from all of her callings and has changed her work schedule so that church is in conflict with the hours. All of that hasn't mattered to her Bishop and he was willing to let her do her thing. Until this week.

My mom has a guy friend that she has started dating. She has known him since dad's death and he has been good for her. He takes her to breakfast, buys her clothes, listens to her opinions, and encourages her to be who she wants to be. There is no pressure to be intimate and I'm not sure if she is ready for that step yet. But my TBM family is just sure that she is sleeping with the guy and have begun to spread rumors about her. As we all know how fast news spreads in the church it was only a matter of time until the Bishop found out and he has instructed his Executive Secretary to schedule an appointment with her so he can begin the proceedings. She refuses to answer the phone when she sees who is calling on the caller ID so they have reverted to blocking their numbers when they call.

Last night she was out working in her yard when the ES drove up and told her that she was scheduled to meet with the Bishop this Sunday. She asked what the meeting was about and he said that he didn't know. She said that he knows because he sits in Bishopric meetings and is privy to what is discussed because his job is to take notes and follow up on the Bishop's instructions. He finally came out and told her that the Bishop is conducting an investigation into her sexual behavior and that it will most likely end up in a Court of Love in the next few weeks.

She said that there is nothing to discuss and unless they had some type of evidence that they could take their investigation and stick it. He said that he'd relay her message to the Bishop and get back to her.

She got a message on her home voicemail today from the ES instructing her to attend a meeting tomorrow after church. The purpose of the meeting is to conduct a review of her church membership. He ended the message with, "Sister ***, you need to be there. They are going to try you in absentia if you don't cooperate."

She's not going to go. She has had enough of the controlling, demeaning, and negative leadership of the church and refuses to play their game. And I'm proud of her.

Stupid cult.

That sucks and is so cultish, but perhaps it'll end up being the big push to really get herself out. I hope it's the final straw for her.

How does she feel about doctrine? Any chance she'll send a "you can't fire ME I QUIT" resignation?

I'm sure that everyone has done everything they can to smear her good name so that nobody will follow her out the door.. though I'm sure that there are plenty of Relief Society ladies who are jealous of her new found courage.

Good for your Mom! Her life is none of their business.

Does she believe in the church? If so, I guess she wouldn't consider resigning. What an awful mess for her!

Is someone going with her?

It might work for her to just say there is nothing going on except a casual friendship and keep saying that with determination.

Tell her there is no need to stay and be badgered or verbally threatened. She can always stand and say it's time for her to leave and give any reason of her choice or none at all.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

And mormons claim to take care of their widows! Sheesh!

ADDED: I'm so sorry. At first I thought she WOULD go. I'm glad she isn't but I'm worried about what they'll do about it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2011 07:01PM by Cheryl.

She's excellent! I wish her the best of luck. As for the Church, it's pushing its own people out for no reason at all. LOL They're their own worst enemy.

She could tell him it's not at the Court of Love level yet and she would prefer a Court of Infatuation--more accurate.

The whole thing is preposterous and ridiculous. Where's his Court of Like for masturbating?

Snort of derision

Anagrammy

What a strong woman!

From the very beginning of your post, I was thoroughly riled up on behalf of your mom. I saw how people tried to take advantage of my own mom when she was a vulnerable widow. I was going to suggest that you go to that bishop and stand up for her. No, that's the mild version. I was going to suggest that you make that bishop regret that the thought of your mom's possible sins ever entered his head. I was going to suggest that by the time you were finished with him, he would have been a trembling, sniveling, remorseful shell of a man.

But it's obvious that your mom has the situation well in hand. I can see why you are so proud of her.

If they do try her in absentia, however, and end up excommunicating her, I do have a suggestion. That would be to write that bishop a note saying, "With regard to my dear mother, who served your church so faithfully and well for many years, you chose to believe in the nasty, small-minded, untrue gossip about her. She, in her turn, chose not to dignify these accusations with a response. It is not her shame in question, but yours. SHAME ON YOU! SHAME, SHAME, SHAME!

When the Pharisees brought a woman accused of adultery to Jesus, he wrote a word or words in the sand. What do you suppose he wrote, bishop? 'Idle gossips'? 'Liars'? 'Hypocrites'? Did he write each Pharisee's name along with a catalogue of his sins? Jesus then said, 'Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.' So bishop, would you have been the only Pharisee present to NOT drop his stone? Evidently so. I trust that you are satisfied. With your action, my dear, loving mother will no longer be subject to your abuse and that of your fellow Pharisees."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2011 07:13PM by summer.

Does she know anyone with media ties that she could tell this story to and embarrass the hell out of this fucked up bishop. The guy who wrote the DNA thing wasn't excomminicated for doing this very thing because of all the negative publicity, if I recall correctly.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2011 11:57PM by imalive.

Hey maybe she should go and have a lawyer by her side. That'll make one hell of a statement!

Your mom rocks!!

Take her out shopping or to lunch while these men are busy passing judgement.

In addition to summer's suggetion, I would tell off the TBM family members who are the root of the gossip.

This is just ridiculous. He is trying her based 100% on rumors? It also makes me angry how they randomly set up an appointment for her and say, "You have to be at this meeting tomorrow @ this time." And then the ES LIES and says he doesn't know what the meeting is about.

And the line "conducting an investigation into her sexual behaviors." Wow. Just wow. How could ANYONE think that is within the bounds of normal behavior?

But props to your mother for sticking it to them. She has done absolutely nothing wrong, yet they threaten her with a Court of Love. So culty!

Obviously...NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH THEIR TIME, 'EH?

Stupid Cult; they'll cut their nose off, won't they?

'I Think' they have to give Written Notice to have a court... But Don't quote Me....

perhaps they'll put her 'On Probation'; I think that's done ex parte.

I wonder...What would they do with Joe's Fooling Around !?

without going through a luv court. Any more serious penalties would need to inflicted by a kangaroo court.

Otherwise some of the other ladies might start getting uppity as well. Her type of courage is contagious.

Maybe he'll go easy on her and just do a little public bullying, but she'll have to make to clear to everyone that she has been in the wrong.

He's put himself in a corner where he can't save face without taking a piece of her down.

that they cannot see how completely creepy and intrusive their interest in your mother's social life is. Seriously. These are adults?

Good for her for realizing she doesn't have to bother with them.

I am very proud of her too. But sorry it took her this long to realize how controlling they are. She needs to resign pronto. They have no power over her then.

As per the TBM family member or members who are doing this to her.... She can't still be interacting with them, is she? She needs to have them fess us and apologize. She does not have to live out her life with the family police looking over her shoulder every day. I am glad you are posting this to show how ridiculous and childish the Mormon bigwigs are.

What an inspiring example. Your mother's eyes are fully open and she is sailing forward! I'm very happy for you and for her.

As for her telling the ES “unless they had some type of evidence that they could take their investigation and stick it,” tell your mom, “You go, girl!” It is time the church realized that members cannot be shamed and coerced into "obedience" the way they used to be.

May the many others who are fed up with the church follow your mother's admirable example!

She's quite wealthy and pays rather large tithing checks. At the same time she's supporting a giggolo who is married and much younger with likely other wealthy women on the side.

She should walk in there with resignation letter in hand, announce,"I have not slept with him, nor has he even asked me to. But thank you for opening my eyes to the fact that this is a cult, which would hold a court on a person based only on rumours. This is my formal resignation." *SLAM* letter onto desk. "You are to process it immediately. If you try to have me excommunicated, you will hear from my lawyer." Spin on heels and walk away to freedom.

Totally concur with greyfort's suggestion. Makes me wonder how anyone can survive living in Mormon areas. They have dirty minds, are probably predators and are probably projecting their own discretions onto your Mom. Bastards, they're all bastards and it all pisses me off royally!!

Please return and report and let us know how this went --want to really see if they carried through with their threat and how your wonderful Mom responded.....

How can they have a love court without her saying she broke their chastity law? That's insane!!!

Greyfort's suggestions: ++11

Typical control,,,guilt,,,shame,,3rd hand rumors. Seen it many times. She is guilty and convicted by rumors and gossip. And they claim to be christians. Probably the best thing that ever happened to her. Ignore them and go on with your life. Keep us posted,,and good luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2011 09:24PM by unworthy.

YES to what Greyfort said!

Wow...I am proud of your mother for standing up for what is right. The church has no right demanding that anyone be where they say and when. Please let us know what happens tomorow.

I'm proud of your mother as well. I know how hard it can be. I know what she is going through with all the control and punishment. It seems that is the only thing the Church is good at these days is punishing their members.

I have a neighbor lady that was a poor widow and her husband died and she had no money and she rented her basement to a man to have money to feed & take care of her children. This was in Northern Utah near SLC. The neighbors wrote Whore on her house and many other nasty things and the Bishop excommunicated her for Adultry because of belief in the members false accusations. These proported leaders need no proof only accusations to get rid of people. My hatred of any organization that does this to anyone has no bounds!

According to what I know about church policy:

1. It's church policy to send her a letter to appear.Unless she got a letter, there is no church court.

2. If she was married in the temple, this would not be a bishop's court, it would be with the Stake Presidency.

3. The person inviting the member to a meeting either doesn't know what it's about, or if they do, they cannot tell the member.

Hopefully, there is some kind of mix-up.

If there really is a disciplinary court scheduled and she has no interest in going or being part of the LDS Church, the best way to circumvent any court, is to hand in a resignation before hand.

Stake courts are for men who hold the melchizedek priesthood. Women, with few exceptions, have bishops' courts. The exceptions are for a few high-profile women like Lavina Fielding Anderson and Margaret Toscano. The general rule as stated in the handbook is for women to have bishops' courts.

Speaking as a nevermo--

THAT'S TERRIBLE!!!!!

Let me get this straight--"But my TBM FAMILY [emphasis mine]is just sure that she is sleeping with the guy and have begun to spread rumors about her."

I know when you say "TBM family", not all of these will be her kids, but I think they need to hear Exodus 20:12 ("Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.") nice and slow, and give them some time to THINK about what they've heard.

Apart from that--kudos to your mom for handling this so well. NOBODY should be treated like that. N-O-B-O-D-Y. If anyone in MY (widowed) mom's Methodist church subjected her to that sort of treatment, I would say it was them, and not my mom, who should be in court!

Please let us know how things go...

Where's the respect for seniors.

I say this is elder abuse for sure.

For what it is worth, I was brought to my senses after my hubby died too. More power to her.

(hugs to your wonderful mum from a widowed ex-mormon)

Briggy

We tend to get "de-sensitized" to horror stories of Mormon abuse, because there are so many of them on the boards, but this one has gotten me more angry than I've been in a while. And it hits home on a very, VERY personal level, "thedrive": I too was once summoned to a so-called "Court of Love" and was subjected to one of the most painfully humiliating experiences I have ever, EVER had. NO ONE should ever go through that. I emphasize whole-heartedly with your mother and concur 1000% with Greyfort & summmer's suggestions!!! Your mother's soon to be ex-bishop needs that iron rod to be shoved so far up his ass that he NEVER walks over another human being like that again. When I officially resigned and the bishop of the local ward was repeatedly calling and sending me letters (which I ignored) telling me he & the stake pres were going to meet with me, (finally emailing me and informing me they would be at my house on XYZ date at XYZ time), I promptly emailed him back, copied my attorney in the email, and set him straight as to what was happening and what the legal consequences would be if he or Salt Lake or ANYONE interfered with, delayed, or harassed me on the resignation any further. Two weeks later the final letter from Greg Dodge came. Seriously,'thedrive', these men and their kangaroo court are nothing but bullies, liars, and cowards: looking into legal options and threatening action if one is well within one's rights to do so sends a necessary warning to that bishop and every other power-mad, abusive "priesthood-holding" asshole that it is THEIR behaviour that is unacceptable and over the line, and that THEIR every move, word, and action will be held accountable if they don't cease & desist.
Or, she can just say F*ck You and hand them her resignation and be done with it, good riddance!

so she'll be expected to not continue the relationship and if she wants to they'll pick a Mormon boyfriend for her