Posted by:
Dave the Atheist
(
)
Date: May 02, 2011 01:08PM
New Barbies for the Greater Salt Lake City Market! Get Yours Today! - by Swedeboy - 02/09/2007
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater SLC market:
Park City Barbie
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a million dollar home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
Draper Barbie
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
Kearns Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
East Bench Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Riverton Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Emigration Canyon Barbie
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly built high rise condo.
Tooele Barbie
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
The Avenues Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Avenues Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
West Valley Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Provo Barbie
She's perfect in every way, mainly due to the high levels of antidepressants in her system. We don't know where Ken is because he's always at church meetings.
Sister Wife Barbie by Wanda
Comes with a velcro pregnancy belly and a kid on foot, dressed like a pioneer, and says phrases like: "Aw jeez, another one's turn tonight again!" "Thank heavens for welfare and telemarketing!" "Who needs schooling? The Priesthood teaches us all we need to know!"
Downtown Salt Lake City Molly Mormon Barbie by Windy
Vacuous beautific smile with the meanest eyes imaginable, tends to stop and stutter, "Oh! Oh!, that's (cluck) that's not funny, oh, oh..." and wanders off muttering to herself at any speaking Ken doll not wearing a black suit. She wears an ankle-length denim skirt dragging the ground and white frock buttoned up her chin, stomps off her Barbie Trax streetcar like an elephant, pushing casually-dressed male dolls out of her way.