Just a few days ago I was feeling like a new person looking at a world full of possibilities with new eyes. I was joyful, elated, thrilled at the prospects of what could be. That seems a world away now.

My family came to town for an "intervention." I was semi-prepared. Who can ever know what to really expect. I expected passive aggressive, guilt ridden pleas (particularly from my mother, who is the master of manipulation.) Even with those expectations I was blindsided.

After being told that "my sweet spirit" was gone, that I had become worldly & intellectual. My mother told me (while she sobbed) she was always afraid this would happen. She said my name has been in the temple nonstop since I was 13 she was so terrified. (I'm in my 40's now). My adopted father told me to soften my heart toward Heavenly Father, whatever I've done wrong can be forgiven. I couldn't figure out how to defend myself against these blanket accusations. I felt like a 6 yr old in an "Am not" --"are too" argument.

There are no answers or words that I could say to disprove the accusations. What do you say to "the sweet spirit in your eyes is gone and replaced with a hardness that breaks my heart." It's a diagnosis on their part that can't be argued with.

Finally, we were sitting at the kitchen table, and I looked at my parents and asked "Are you saying that you are not able to love me unless I am an active participating member in your church?" There was a long pause, and then I heard the emphatic word "YES!" But not from my parents, from my husband of 20+ years. My husband and I had talked some about my changing beliefs. I knew he didn't feel the same way I did, but at the time, he didn't voice any feelings of anger or frustration. I erroneously thought he was OK with it. Apparently in the presence of my parents accusations he changed his mind.

He didn't sleep at home on Saturday or Sunday night and has not returned any of my phone calls. I am in a daze. One moment I am angry and indignant that he could throw it all away without even talking. The next minute I am in the fetal position sobbing. After all these years together, my only value to him is if I'm Mormon.

Of course my parents are supporting my husband 100%. According to them, I am throwing away my salvation, eternal marriage, and a family born into the covenant because of a proud heart and stiff neck.

The church is all about families isn't grand ! sorry for loss.

We're here for you. Just let us know what we can do to help. I'm short on advice today, but know that I care.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2011 08:52PM by wine country girl.

How painful that your integrity has put you at odds with your loved ones. It is always difficult to discover that your love relationships are far more conditional than you knew. I wish I could say that sticking with your truth won't come at a high price, but the evidence proves otherwise. In the meantime, though, you have your undivided self working for you, and you have support here from people who have had similar experiences.

Best wishes.

Hang in there, and hang out with us. We'll get through this together. Sometimes just dumping your feelings out online is good medicine, but know that there are people here who care about you...despite our anonymity.

That is worth saying.

You love them even though you disagree with them.

You are big enough to go beyond your own beliefs and care for them.

You are not intollerant.

I'm so sorry...the church can make people so cruel. Best of luck, my wife and I will pray for you.

since I left the LDS Church. I have never heard anything like it. It's totally inappropriate.

Are these people completely incapable of living their own
11th Article of Faith? Are they that daft?

The Articles of Faith - #11:
We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

These foolish, foolish people are completely out of compliance with what their own faith teaches.

I hope you know that nothing they said in their ridiculous, manipulative, outrageous, psychological, bully attack is even remotely true!
It's angry and hateful, not an ounce of love in any of them.

What they have done is the worse case of psychological and emotional abuse I have ever heard of.
If there was anything you could do, legally, you need to do it.

These people are dangerous.
Maybe it's time to cut them off. No phone calls, no emails, (block their phone numbers, and their emails.)
The only response from you is to tell them to live their 11th Article of Faith, including your husband.

It's time to let them know that you will have no contact with any of them until they can solemnly promise to live the 11th Article of Faith, and apologize for the psychological, manipulative abuse and attack and withholding their love and acceptance.

If they can't love you unless you comply with their demands, you do not need these people in your life.

If it were me, I'd find a counselor and an attorney ASAP.
I hope there is some legal action you can take.

You are a 40 year old woman who has taken her power back. Now it's time to stand up and own it! What they have said and done is so abominable I can't imagine what it was like being put through that. There is nothing I know of in the LDS Church teachings that would condone such behavior.

I am including some quotes from the LDS leaders that clearly do not condone your family for what they have done. Just the opposite. In fact, they are incurring the wrath of their own apostles and leaders by their behavior. They are in great error!


From a post by Deconstructor:

"As I have said before, we must not be clannish. We must never adopt a holier-than-thou attitude. We must not be self-righteous. We must be magnanimous, and open, and friendly. We can keep our faith. We can practice our religion. We can cherish our method or worship without being offensive to others. I take this occasion to plead for a spirit of tolerance and neighborliness, of friendship and love toward those of other faiths."
- President Gordon B. Hinckley, July 2001

And again in the last General Conference...

"We cannot be arrogant. We cannot be self-righteous. The very situation in which the Lord has placed us requires that we be humble as the beneficiaries of His direction. While we cannot agree with others on certain matters, we must never be disagreeable. We must always be friendly, soft-spoken, neighborly, and understanding."
- President Gordon B. Hinckley, Fall 2003 General Conference, Sunday Morning Session

Another living Apostle of the church has condemned bothering those who do not agree with Mormonism:

"That instruction continues today to be part of the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In enumerating the key doctrines of the restored Church, Joseph Smith said, while "we claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience," we also "allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may" (A of F 1:11)."

"That is what Jesus taught His disciples - including 'a certain lawyer' - through the parable of the good Samaritan. And that is what He is teaching us today through living prophets and apostles. Love one another. Be kind to one another despite our deepest differences. Treat one another with respect..'"
- Apostle M. Russell Ballard, "Doctrine of Inclusion," Ensign, Nov. 2001, 35

No faithful Mormon should ever harass or contend with former members or people of other faiths:

"He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me [saith the Lord], but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away." (3 Ne. 11:29-30.)

"With that call comes the commitment to emulate the patterns of the Prince of Peace. That goal is shared by worthy servants of the Master, who would not speak ill of others nor provoke contention over teachings declared by ancient or living prophets. Certainly no faithful follower of God would promote any cause even remotely related to religion if rooted in controversy, because contention is not of the Lord."

"To begin, show compassionate concern for others. Control the tongue, the pen, and the word processor. Whenever tempted to dispute, remember this proverb: "He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace." (Prov. 11:12; see also Prov. 17:28.)"

"Bridle the passion to speak or write contentiously for personal gain or glory. The Apostle Paul thus counseled the Philippians, "Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves." (Philip. 2:3.)
- Apostle Russell M. Nelson, "The Canker of Contention," Ensign, May 1989, Page 68

Hon, I don't know why you'd allow yourself to be put through that.

But I'm so sorry that you got blind-sided by the one person you thought had your back. That just stinks.

The problem is that we can't unlearn what we've learned. We can't be forced to believe something we don't believe. We can't go around living a lie. At least not for long, before it destroyed us inside. And it's not our responsibility as to how other people react to our decisions.

You need to find your voice. You need to tell them, "You can accept me as I am, because I cannot change what I do or do not believe, or you can't. But I will not allow you to insult me and make me feel like less of a person because I don't see things as you do."

*BIG HUGS* to you. I'm sorry it was so rough.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I cannot fathom a family not loving you only because you don't hold the same religious beliefs at heart.

Please know that you cannot grow by just sitting in a beautiful smelling the flowers. You must experience life's turbulence, ugliness, pitfalls, etc...in order to truly know how joy, love, gratitude and peace feels. This process is painful now but it will make you stronger.

Cry your heart out and continue to come here for support from all the exMormons who have walked in your shoes. Surround yourself with those that will accept you for the person you are.

Best Wishes!

I can only say that you have all our sympathies and we wish you good luck as you begin what could be a very tough journey. Any rubble and thorns thrown in your way will be put there by anti-Christian LDS relatives, and not be anything you did yourself. This is where we see clear examples of Mormons actually NOT being Christians, despite anything that they say they believe.

Good luck, hon. Remind your husband that it was your hope that he had married more than just a Mormon.

I have no words, only I'm sorry you're going through this. This board can be a lifeline. Hang in there. ((hugs))

What a horrible blow, to have your parents gang up on you AND your husband stab you in the back. How does one recover from that.

For what it's worth, your "sweet spirit" is merely a fancy word for subservience -- and your mother is probably just jealous to see you breaking free from the subservience she thought she had to embrace to please God.

I agree with SusieQ -- it might be time to put some distance between yourself and your parents and seeing a lawyer and a therapist is a very good idea. Maybe your marriage can be saved, if you both decide you want to save it, but it has taken a mighty, mighty blow.

My advice to you, tell them this; "I am an intelligent adult making the decisions I need to make for my own stability and peace of mind. I am devastated to learn that your love for me all of these years was conditional as I have loved you all from the bottom of my heart and without reservation. I'm sorry but until you are able to treat me with respect and the unconditional love found abundantly in the non-Mormon world, I am going to have to avoid you all for my own good. I guess this all puts the proclamation on family in perspective, doesn't it?"

And if you have children move NOW to protect them.

Good luck and all my best wishes to you. Again, so very, very sorry.

To be blindsided by your husband had to be extremely painful. I wish you all the best as you navigate the road ahead. Don't let them keep hurting you. Take care of you.

I am so sorry this happened.

Why do you take what they say as TRUTH??? Your sweet spirit is gone???? Seriously???? They have no right to judge your sweetness. If you know you are a good person then tell them so. Don't let them lie.

Listen, as for your husband....if you knew he would ask your parents for an intervention (which it seems he did) perhaps he wanted THEIR approval for him to leave as he did. Think this through. This could all be about him. And do you want a man who loves his church more than you???

Of course it hurts. My ex walked out like that too- no discussion of anything- just gone. He is a weak person, a coward. I am the strong one and he knew it. He was having an affair and just didn't want to talk about it- thinking I would not find out....but I did through the help of my oldest daughter. He lost everything. So in the end....who is happy? ME. Don't think for a minute that you can't be happy. You can and you will regardless of if he comes to his senses or not. It appears it is over. He needed your parents okay and he got it. Sorry he is like he is. But better days are ahead for you once you discard toxic people from your life.

I'm so sorry. That has to be horrifically hard. Mormons are really bizarre. I've never known people who can so easily and quickly dismiss years or even decades of love and friendship in an instant. I mean instantly. Bam. You are suddenly ostracized.

At first I thought this was an apparition - a wild exception. But since, I have seen and heard case after case where "best friends" suddenly and completely terminate friendships, and spouses suddenly leave and ask for divorce. All of this because someone leaves Mormon activity or membership.

It's either because their love and friendship was superficial all along, OR it's because their brainwashing is so deep that it over-rides any reason. Regardless, I feel very badly for you as yet another victim of this behavior.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2011 09:53PM by Moroni Marten.

This was the most story I've ever heard. You were truly blindsided by people you trusted especially your husband.. Find a good therapist...a super lawyer and a I would let their or your bishop know of their vengeful behavior that is entirely against doctrine.
HAVE.


Hold your head up. You have done nothing wrong, they
have.

I feel your pain.

stormy

I am sorry for the pain. Your family is doing a knee jerk reaction (heavy on the "jerk" part of it). They need to simmer down a bit. Please find a good (non LDS) therapist to do some heavy duty talking and thinking.

The world is still filled with freedom for you, but there is usually a price paid for it, but whatever the price you can't go back to wearing blinders.

Your progression out of the morg has been a journey and your family will have its own journey trying to understand how you will fit in now that you are no longer part of them. Don't give up on them, they just need to to see that you are the same person, you are competent and happy, and then they will have to fit that in their world view.

Take good care of yourself, OK?

I'm so sorry. :( That's absolutely terrible.

I would keep your parents at a distance until you can sort things out with your husband. Whatever they think just isn't relevant right now.

I know that you are hurting badly, but it's best to be prepared in case the worst happens. Get photocopies of bank statements, your latest mortgage statement, investments, social security, insurance and pension informaton, etc. Keep them in a safe place outside your home.

The whole bit about "sweet spirit" is ridiculous. Yeah, they hate it when they can't keep us down anymore.

Keep checking back. We care about you. {{{hug}}}

Also get your last tax return documents and keep them handy. I found out my spouse had stolen $20,000.00 -from my daughter's college savings fund -on that tax document. What a gem I had, huh?

There is the Chess Board arguement that for 63 squares they will argue and harrang and throw insults at you. They will undermine your self esteem and cause you to doubt all you have found. When all this is over and done with you have the 64th square on the chess board to answer them

""I DO NOT SEE IT THAT WAY AT ALL""

There is no argument to your own logic and mind if you know what you are doing is right on the 64 square..

JB

Moroni Martin is getting to the heart of this. As weird as it may sound, this is not personal, it is not about you at all.

Your husband and your family are cult brainwashed to believe that God made them in order to function in a role. You know what a role is--it's the person you are at work, for example. It is not you. We have behaviors that go with our various roles, hopefully, appropriate behaviors. We speak a certain way with the teachers of our children in our role as a parent and very different to our husband or our lover in bed. Parent and lover are roles and they do not represent the totality of who you are.

When we expect unconditional love from our family, what we are really saying is that we expect those who know us better than anyone to see past those roles to our Being, who we really are, and know us in that intimate way.

Your family is as crippled as those poor Chinese children pictured in "Ripley's Believe It or Not" who had their feet bound so they would not grow, so they would look pretty. Now that they are adults, they cannot work and have to be looked after by others. Your family has been conditioned to see only the role and not the person underneath.

WHen a person jumps from role to role, there is great anxiety. For example, when a daughter jumps from that role to wife, her parents lose a measure of control. They have tremendous fears that Satan who lies in wait will seize their daughter and make her "dark" in spirit.

Honestone called it when he said "sweet spirit gone"? Really? Keeping sweet is cult jargon right from the polygamists and specifically means "subservient." When a woman gets uppity, the others may whisper "keep sweet."

When I said it's not personal, this is what I am talking about. Your performance of your role reflects on them. You have the power to make them feel like a failure in their own eyes and in the eyes of the church. They also may sincerely believe that the churches balance sheet of pluses and minuses are used by the eternal God to help him decide who goes to heaven (as if he could not read your heart, which even Jesus could do) That hot mess makes no sense whatsoever, but back to what you just witnessed.

You just saw people melting down because the threats they have been conditioned to believe are coming to pass. They have been told apostates lose their sweet spirit--and lo and behold, they see what they expect to see--hardness, too. The power of human consciousness is so great people can see halos or horns, depending on where their mind is.

Your husband can't be around you without giving up all that conditioning and he is in cognitive dissonance crisis. Because you--the real you--is not only fine, but is BETTER without the church. What does that say about all that he believes is true and holy? Every success that you have, every smile on your face, is a repudiation of Mormonism (at this stage). He would need a lot of reassurance from you that your marriage is based on him seeing the real you and you seeing the real him. Not on roles.

He is being offered a choice -- the safety of the family solidarity against you, or siding with his wife. He may choose the family because he is like a drone in a beehive. Drone's don't think they are anybody special. God never appeared to them, never called them out as anything wonderful, never gave them a revelation. They know they are just...drones, and the real men, the alpha males, are the ones climbing the Mormon ladder of power. It feels to him like you are taking away the one status he had--a faithful Mormon wife. Now, not only is he a drone, but he can't even keep his wife in line. He will be pitied at church.

This is sometimes more than emasculated beta males can bear. He is lucky in that he has a vivacious strong wife who, if he wants it, can give him more self esteem in an hour than the Mormon church can give him in a year. And you know what I mean.

I don't know if you have children or not, but regardless, you can't go back. Once your eyes are open, once you have awakened out of the cult coma and seen the truth, you must move forward. With or without family, with or without husband. He'd be a fool to let you go, but the church is full of fools.

I want to hand it to you for your own guts and the way you handled yourself in the presence of THEIR meltdown. Your answer was spot on perfect. You have the truth--reality and time are on your side, and you kept your dignity. Even if they try to lovestrike you (the opposite of lovebomb--they take away your love), you can take a shower, have a glass of wine and pat yourself on the back that at least you saved one life--your own.

Now you have your own life to live, your own choices to make and no more functioning on a steady diet of disapproval poisoning.

I am proud of you and everyone reading this thread shares my view. Many hear have heard the same ugly words you have (my sister has not spoken to me in years) and you know we care about you. Please keep us posted.

Anagrammy

it's not your fault that you found out it's all bs. It's a flashing neon sign on their storefront.

Your only responsibility is to accept that fact.

you have many people here giving you their love and support. Throw mine in there as well.

Welcome to kodachrome. The world is not black and white.

listen to Anagrammy. less so to Suzie.

hugs and love,

Scooter

So, now is a good time to call a locksmith and the locks changed on your home. Then post a notice on the window near the front door that the locks have been changed due to domestic abandonment and that to assist entry by your spouse or another family member through a law enforcement officer or another locksmith would be illegle w/o a court order.

Prepare yourself as suggested by summer. Gather all important documents, and put them in the trunk of your car, just in case he does get in and starts looking for them

He has left you, so now you are in the position of claiming abandonment. You have possession of the family home and all that is in it.

Yes, perhaps he will wake up and realize that he loves you and has made a big mistake. That would be wonderful. But for now, you need to protect the position of advantage he has given you by leaving the family home.

get a good lawyer if you do not already have one. If you need one, most divorce attorneys will give one free consultation before you actually hire them... Shop around tomorrow and get ready for the worst possible scenario.

@LineUponLine...first of all, breathe. This is all so overwhelming. Just so you know, you are VERY COURAGEOUS...most never have the moxie to stand where we have stood. You are so much more valuable than your family leads you to believe. Hugs to you...we care!

Good God.

I read your post and thought we must have the same family! They "know" that they are absolutely right and there cannot be any other possibility. It's like they're saying:

"You know we're right! Inside you MUST know it! We simply can't let you do this to yourself! If you make us have to chose, you know that we must remain true to the Lord. Don't make us do that! Why are you so stubborn!"

These people are on the path to Godhood itself. They've invested all their lives in that expectation. It's like they can't let you rob some "spiritual bank account" that they've sacrificed everything for; The church has to be true, so you have to be false! There's no negotiation. To accept you means giving up everything they've worked for.

They won't be happy until you start lying again. Everyone must lie for the sake of their comfort. They must even lie to themselves and to each other if necessary. Reality is their enemy.

I feel so sorry reading your post. At least know that you are not alone.

What a horrible thing for your family to do to you. Your husband just told you that he loves a Mormon, not you.

"Family" in Morland is... a code word for 'church'.

that's all.

One of the worst parts is that you have no control. It wouldn't matter what you did, how wonderful you are, how much you fought.

They already decided your fate with them based on one fact. Like someone else said, it isn't personal. It has nothing to do with you.

Please take care of yourself. Check in often here, vent away.

So sorry this is happening to you.

Some argue mormonism isn't a cult. Well it sure acts like one: http://www.howcultswork.com/

Have a look at this website and see the tactics they are using on you.

Marriages and families are wreaked by faith crisis fairly often. John Dehlin has done some work on helping mormon couples. http://mormonstories.org/?p=1117


Good luck. Let us know how you are doing.

I believe that your parents still
love you and are as concerned about you as they ever were. I have been on both sides of this problem that you are facing. I lost a wife because I could not change my mind about mormonism and nearly lost my brother and extented family. After I finally saw the light and found out the church was false I lost another wife and all my friends in the church.
one thing is sure, the church teaches that when someone leaves the church or is exed out then the members are not to have anything to do with them. When I was in the elders Q. it was announced in meeting that someone had been exed and we should avoid this person unless he or she repented.
When I finally decided to leave the church I went to see my best friend and told him. He looked at me and said that he could not be my friend any more because I WAS DENYING the HoLY Ghost. I went before my friend , the judge, and was found guilty. What the hell?
Your husband is probably like so many others. He thinks that you are trying to take the celestial kingdom away from him. He is fighting back by trying to turn your family against you unless you repent. Your parents on the other hand can't stand the thought of losing you to the world or to satan, so they are fighting back. Perhaps I am wrong in my thinking but please don't stop loving your parents and trying to make peace with them. I'm sure you will make the right decision.

You have been treated horribly, orphan. But so happy you are free of the cult. The OP can certainly try to make amends with her immediate family. But it isn't up to her. It is up to them. They must change their thinking and allow her to be a grown up and make her own decisions about religion. All this satan stuff is hogwash. Do they really think she is a bad person??? NO. She is only bad because she will not conform to the standard which is obeying the life all Mormons must live. She has no duty to them....only to herself.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/03/2011 12:11AM by honestone.

These family "interventions" and "excommunications" are horrid. Who do they think they are? And they admit conditional love!!! What is going on??????

I have more respect for parents of serial-killers who deny their child has a problem. They stick with and love their child no matter what...

How can your husband throw away his marraige to you so easily? How can he profess to want eternal marriage if he can't stick with you in this life over something like differing beliefs???

My heart goes out to you...

See a lawyer and protect your rights!!!

Your husband's leaving is abandonment.

He is also emotionally blackmailing you, on top of emotionally betraying you.
Stop calling him.

I was wondering why you would sit still for an intervention in the first place when your family are the deluded ones.

You have legal rights, make sure they are protected.

Under pressure, he folded and went back to being a small child, chided and bullied by Mormonism.

What was your parents reaction to what he said? Did they approve or did they think: "Oh-oh?"