Hello! As you can tell, I'm new to this board, and feel the need to tell (some) of my story. But, basically...

The constant pressure of perfection....until I learned about the sketchiness of Joseph Smith and the history that just made the church invalid, and so much more, the pressure was hard on me. The constant feeling of people watching you. I was like the 'star' of the church ; I was the teenager who had the 'courage' to attend church every week alone, investigate by myself, and so on. So I felt like I had the bar set very high for me. I remember after 2 months of attending the church, people would ask me "so when are you getting baptised?!" and around the same time I accepted baptism (which luckily I didn't go through with) and they said "So, we have a date open in a week and a half." I felt very rushed.

But before, I grew up in a Pentecostal (Christian) family, where I still am to this day. My grandfather was a minister, and I have many family members that are pastors and so on. Some for the Methodist church, others still in church of God. I live in the south, so certain things like drinking tea and coffee was just a way of life. Summers are hot, so strapless shirts and shorts are normal. That bothered me the most, feeling like one day soon I'd have to 'throw away' so many clothes that I couldn't wear anymore. I didn't see a problem with premarital sex, and had broken the law of chastity before I even started investigating the LDS church. The whole no buying anything on Sundays was hard, no swearing (which I don't see a problem with in moderation), getting judged for not dating someone LDS, watching R rated movies, and just basically having a good time. That was probably what bothered me the most, was feeling like I couldn't even live my life the way I wanted to. I couldn't drink tea at dinner or have a drink over a celebration, I couldn't date who I wanted or wear what I wanted or say what I wanted or anything. I just felt like my whole life was being ran.

Of course, I believed in the church to an extent. I had my doubts, but I felt like I had so much overwhelming evidence and so much of it made sense I was trying to convince myself that I would be willing to sacrifice certain things in time. But I never got my testimony of the Book of Mormon. There were times, of course, I believed in it. But I never had that strong testimony of the church the way others did. I remember being with the missionaries one time, and they asked me to bow with them and pray to see if the Book of Mormon was true. Before, I felt like I was feeling the Spirit, but once I bowed down and prayed and waited for my answer with them, I felt it totally leave me. It bothered me I couldn't get my answer the way so many others did. I would be on my knees at my bedside at night just pleading with God to let me know if it was true. I felt like I knew it was true, but I just didn't have my testimony yet.

Months and months passed, and ironically, on the day I was going through the temple for my first time for an open house, I realized the church couldn't be true. Of course I still went through the temple, but it wasn't what I expected. I had waited for the day in great anticipation, knowing it would be the day I'd feel the spirit overwhelmingly and receive my answer, and then I'd have my own testimony! But going through the temple, although peaceful and relaxing, didn't feel the way I thought. I didn't have an overwhelming sense of the Spirit, and I almost felt like I was just in a very nice church building. Also, I was disappointed at how little they told us about what goes on in there. They just walked us through it, saying how sacred it was and how there are sacred ordinances made in there. It wasn't until I started researching for myself that I learned of the ordinances, and understand the reasons why they never explained it to us themselves.

(By the way, I can't get over the fact the BOOK OF MORMON ITSELF states how secret combination and so on are of the devil, and that's what most of the endowment ceremony is about!)

But basically, I started off looking at the church because I had a friend who was LDS, and always seemed so happy. I was at a vulnerable point in my life, and I wanted to be happy in my religion because I had been on the verge of Atheism at certain times in my life for years. I wanted to have what they had. So, after researching for almost a year, I attended my first church service. I attended that church and the events and was even in charge of a stake dance. I never got baptised, so I can't exactly say I was a "former Mormon", although that's what I considered myself since they only believe you're a member of the church after baptism and whatnot. I attended that church for over half of a year, that was enough for me. Of course like I said, I was the star of the church it seemed. I was known by everyone, talked about in lessons and was spoken to directly during testimony meetings, I was in charge of dances and I was friends with everyone. I felt good. I felt loved. I felt at home.

I had serious doubts on and off during this time, but tried to push them to the side. Even over last summer, I was reading story after story on this website. Of course I later pushed it to the side and thought about how so many people had negative experiences so they were going to hate the church, and how it was proof the church was true because the devil would try to push people away from the true church of Jesus Christ.

(funny how in the endowment ceremony he's the star of the show and tells the members that if they don't do what they're supposed to in the temple and so on, they'd be under his power. It's like he's on the church's side in the ceremony...)

I didn't want to disappoint anyone, because I felt like so many people had such high expectations of me, like I said. I liked being Mormon. I liked the 'parties' with my friends, I liked being loved, I liked feeling like I belonged. I wasn't really happy in my religion before, because I didn't just want to be "Christian". I wanted to be special.

But of course, I read scriptures and prayed every night to let me know if the Book of Mormon was true, because the missionaries said how "if you know the Book of Mormon is true, then you know Joseph Smith was a prophet, and then you know the church is true." I tried giving JS the benefit of the doubt when I found out some things; he is only human and the missionaries would tell me how even Moses wasn't allowed in the promised land and how David killed someone's husband to sleep with his wife and so on. So I figured that since it was in the day and age where you could find out basically anything you wanted about a person, then there was more 'bad' things out there.

I started attending seminary, but started to stop. It was very tiring, getting up so early every morning. So I stopped going, and then was pressured by the missionaries to go again. I felt like I couldn't opt out, the way they were saying how I needed to go to receive blessings and not giving me any way to say no. Of course I can't totally blame them, I didn't HAVE to go. But they were strongly encouraging me.

During this time, my dad started to get involved in the church and taking lessons as well. Of course, he didn't give in as easily as I did, although I was frustrated by it. I wanted my family to become a Mormon family and I could be sealed to them all for time and eternity. But he wouldn't give in, and I'll never be able to take back the words I spoke to him and my own mother about the church. Some of the fights were fights that I'll always regret, all in the name of the LDS church. A missionary told me how she had a dream about my dad, and how he'd make the right choice when the time would come, and he'd have a decision to make. Of course I knew Heavenly Father would take care of it, and we'd all join His church.

I went to the Laie temple while I was in Hawaii, and just was overwhelmed at the beauty and the peacefulness. I think that was one of the times I was strongest in the faith. I had many times that I was sure the church was true, and was so frustrated I couldn't receive a testimony like the rest could. (part 1, to be continued)