Yesterday my daughter asked, "If we were still mormons and I decided I didn't believe in the mormon church, would you have let me choose not to go to church?"
I gave her an honest answer. "No, I would've made you go to church with the family until you were an adult, and I would let you know that I was disappointed that you didn't believe. And when you became an adult and still didn't believe I would again state my disappointment." Then I explained to her about brainwashing.

The look on her face when I said I would've made her go anyway was one of shock, and maybe a bit scared at the thought. You see now, I teach her to be open minded and believing in what feels right in her heart. She knows that if she decided to start going to whatever church I would let it be her decision.

It's so strange to me how my way of thinking is SO VERY different now that I'm out of TSCC. So VERY SCARY how I could buy into something so obviously controlling for so much of my life.

GLAD TO BE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

telling her to believe whatever she feels in her heart.
That's what gets people into the mess of church in the first place.
It was reason (I presume) that led you out of the mess. Be sure to teach her to temper her feelings with reason.
'course, that's just my 2 cents.

I see your point. But yes, our conversations include following your heart with logic.

For example: When I was researching my way out of TSCC and realized that tea was good for your body. It didn't make sense to me that God would put healthy tea on the earth and then tell us not to consume it. Normally I would "follow with faith." But because I had finally read the BofM cover to cover and didn't feel like it was inspired anything I was able to see the logic. If one is open minded I think it's possible to follow your heart while still "temper(ing) (your) feelings with reason."

I don't know if that's the best example, but yes, it is what helped me get out of the mess.

So I'm thinking we're agreeing, but maybe I was too vague in what following your heart means to me.

I was at a stake YM basketball game and I was reading a book (well, every time my son was on the sidelines). The bishop's wife came over to me asked me what I was reading. Now mind you, this woman is the sort that is sweet as sugar but would have made an excellent Army drill sergeant. Her kids are all well-disciplined, well-managed high achievers. The look of shock on her face when I told her the name of my book was priceless.

The book was "Raising Children Who Think for Themselves" by Elisa Medhus.

The idea of letting her children make their own decisions instead of drilling them to make the "right" (i.e. her) decisions was completely foreign to her. And I think it is to most Mormons. I tried to recommend the book to another Mormon woman I knew and she asked "Is it published by the church?" When I told her "no" she replied that she only read books about child-rearing published by the church.

Good for you for showing your child how manipulative Mormonism is. I'm sure you made an impression on her that will help her resist them in the future.

My older brother (in his early teens at the time) had the opposite situation. He told my mother that when he turned 18 he was leaving the church. Following his 18th bday he never went back. My mother was beside herself over it but she couldn't say she handn't been warned.

Unfortunately, because of his decision,I didn't feel like I had any option but to keep going. I felt like I was her last hope, and she made me feel that way too. I went on a mission and left about a year later when I moved away to go to college.

"believing in what feels right in her heart"

a good thing in most respects but the number #1 problem with the LDS church. Though I guess they're told to feel what the prophet has told them should be in their hearts

And keep in mind that sometimes parents have to be parents and not let the kid do what she thinks is right.What if she decides doing drugs is right or having sex in 7th grade? Be sure she understands that sometimes parents get the final say or this whole idea could blow up on you. LOL



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/13/2011 12:33AM by bona dea.

I wouldn't let a ten year old decide what church they wanted to go to. Does that make me a hypocrite? Maybe, I don't care though, I still wouldn't allow them.

bingoe4 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I wouldn't let a ten year old decide what church
> they wanted to go to. Does that make me a
> hypocrite? Maybe, I don't care though, I still
> wouldn't allow them.

If I belonged to a church, I would decide whether my 10 year old attended or not, if for no other reason than she is too young to stay home alone and I am the one who would have to pay for the sitter or stay home with her. I might let her decide when she is older. I don't think you are a hypocrite. Parents make major decisions for young children. Sometimes they are wrong, but kids don't get to call the shots. They might get some input, but 10 year olds don't make major decisions.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/13/2011 12:36AM by bona dea.

They don't at our house either...too immature

stormy

Well I highly doubt my 10 yr old would ask to go to any church, that's definately not something I would expect till she was older. But if she did ask to go to a church with a friend, yes, I would let her go. I would tell her to keep an open mind and talk with her about it when she got home.

I'm not the type of parent that would force my child to take an art class if she wanted to take a dance class. Our job as parents are to help our children learn to make decisions so they know how when they become an adult. If you're always choosing for your child how will they ever learn?

Obviously you wouldn't allow your child to do drugs, hello, your job is also to protect them. Way out of proportion people!

In the mormon church I was never taught to follow my heart, I was taught to follow blindy in faith, even if it didn't feel right to me. How is following blindy anything like following your heart? Two different things.

I don't know where you draw the line, but I am pointing out there is a line. We help kids make decisions,yes, but sometimes we have to make the decisions because the child isn't mature enough or because what they want to isn't practical or good for them. We all have different lines and that is all I am saying. If I had a child who wanted to go to a church, I would probably let him after checking it out, but I wouldn't let him join at the age of 10. I also wouldn't let him decide not to go at a young age if the rest of the family was attending. I would listen to his reasons and if I felt there was something wrong, I would certainly pay attention.If he had a legitimate reason for his feelings, I would take that into consideration, but I wouldn't hire a baby sitter because he preferredto watch cartoons.Yeah, kids get some choices, but they don't run the show. I'm not saying you let your kid do so. It was a general comment.I just hope your daughter knows that she can't always 'follow her heart' especially at the age of 10.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/13/2011 01:10AM by bona dea.

I did get by the LOL, that you weren't being harsh or anything. I just hate some of the attitudes that we have to make our children's every decision. Certainly there are things we need to teach our children are wrong and they need to learn consequence for bad decisions. But I would never try to mold my childs personality to any certain thing just because I was selfish and wanted them to be a certain person.

My daughter is a very mature 10 yr. old, she always shocks me at how smart she is. If she wanted to attend a church with a friend once or twice I know she'd come home and tell me the good AND the bad. It's just who she is.

We don't attend church, I don't believe in organized religion so it's not like it would upset my day if she went.

freeasabird Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I did get by the LOL, that you weren't being harsh
> or anything. I just hate some of the attitudes
> that we have to make our children's every
> decision. Certainly there are things we need to
> teach our children are wrong and they need to
> learn consequence for bad decisions. But I would
> never try to mold my childs personality to any
> certain thing just because I was selfish and
> wanted them to be a certain person.
>
> My daughter is a very mature 10 yr. old, she
> always shocks me at how smart she is. If she
> wanted to attend a church with a friend once or
> twice I know she'd come home and tell me the good
> AND the bad. It's just who she is.
>
> We don't attend church, I don't believe in
> organized religion so it's not like it would upset
> my day if she went.

I agree that children need to be who they are and parents can't mold them into something that they aren't or control them. I am glad you know that I wasn't criticizing you, but I can see myself at that age reminding my mother that she said I should follow my heart when she told me I had to go to school whether I wanted to or not or that I couldn't date, pierce my tongue and get a tattoo in 5th grade.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/13/2011 01:24AM by bona dea.

I wouldn't never let her do those things at this age, she knows that if she ever wants a tattoo it's when she's way older (like 30). She never would want those things at this age.

I guess when it comes to religion I believe that I don't know the answers and that's okay. So if she were to go to church a couple of times with a friend I wouldn't mind.

I was never allowed to go to church with a friend unless they were mormon. But if I had non member friends sleep over on a Saturday night, of course they were allowed to go to church with me. I was so blind I didn't have a clue what the world of religion was other than mormonism.

But I'm not stupid, I teach my children right from wrong. When it comes to religion I guess I'm smart enough to know that most 10 yr. olds don't want to go to church and lucky for my child she isn't forced to go cause I don't.

So where is the line? How old is old enough when the child decides that he no longer wants to belong to his parent's religion, or join another religion? Is it 12, 13, 14?