My son, who used to be reasonable, open-minded, and tolerant has retrenched further into Mormon orthodoxy. He's an incredibly talented artist but gave up his full-tuition scholarship and a very promising career in the arts for a business-oriented major that will support his future SAHM wife (whom he has not yet met). Then, he decided he needs to get married before he turns 21 and graduates (he is a sophomore). This past week, he announced that he's getting his endowments during winter break (he didn't serve a mission for health reasons) and wants to transfer to BYU. (He currently attends a smaller, less expensive university that, up until now, he has loved).

I'm trying not to freak out about this. To complicate things, his dad (my ex) is one of those toxic-fake, holier-than-thou Mormons who will completely encourage the move (although not actually support it with financial help).

He's an adult now and gets to make his own decisions and mistakes, but wow, I am freaking out about this. I want to avoid freaking out when communicating with him, so I'm coming here to vent.
Any suggestions? He is 100% on financial aid and is OK with taking out more loans and getting a job to pay for BYU.

As expenses go, BYU is fairly low among "big" universities if you're a member. It's about the same as my CalState school is now per semester.

However, it sounds like he wants to go there for the social life -- and maybe to find a TBM wife. He probably won't have any problem, even if he's not an RM. If he's moderately good looking, doesn't smell, and has his garments on, girls will be all over him.

Pretty sad, I know, but that's BYU.
You have my condolences.

He'll do well then; he's good-looking, charming, intelligent (although he refuses to use logic when it comes to TSCC), and loves to buy nice gifts for girls. He can't figure out why he never gets more than two dates with any one girl at SmallState U. He is kind of arrogant and makes lots of snap decisions, though.

Odds are that because of his limited world view, he believes he can 'make up' for not going on a mission by going to the Y, getting endowed, and finding a SAHM wife.

It's the limited world view that really complicates things. He wants to be great mormon and doesn't have any competing aspirations.

And it's likely that any attempts to examine a different perspective will be resisted because, after all, he 'knows' the truth.

The only thing I can offer is something you've already got down pat: don't stop loving him.

Well, as a convert, non-returned missionary, at BYU, it was impossible to get past a third date. I couldn't figure it out until a RM roommate told me, "Every Mormon woman at BYU dreams of marrying an RM."

My guess is that he's going to have a similar experience. There is a big stigma at BYU for those who didn't/couldn't serve a mission. Best wishes!

Thx! The only upside is that BYU has a decent program in his (new) major.

I hadn't heard of the stigma and I bet my son hasn't either; he doesn't know anyone who attends BYU. He also tends to not do well in a rigid environment -- I'm hoping this won't be a trainwreck decision but am concerned that it will. It's also sad to see him becoming more dogmatic and intolerant, charting his life according to a "Plan of Happiness" that doesn't mesh well with the realities of the world we live in or the kind of personality he used to have before he became super-Mormon.

The other things that got to me at BYU were trying to be perfect, and the "mysteries" I learned in all the required religion classes.

I was very naive and thought everyone at the Y was damn near perfect, except for me. A couple of "gems" I learned in the religion classes--I might need to be crucified like Christ if I made it to godhood (huh!)...The Book of Abraham was found on Egyptian mummies that just happened to show up on Joseph Smith's doorstop (the professor went on to say that every Egyptologist would say that the hieroglyphs were the Egyptian Book of Breathings, but BYU Egyptologist Hugh Nibley said that those Egyptologist didn't know how to translate ancient Egyptian like Joseph Smith, WTF!...Oh, and that when the Law of Consecration was finally implement, I would have to give absolutely everything of mine to the bishop, BIG EYES!!

not be able to sing the missionary song at gatherings. Not a real Mormon.

You are almost there, OP, almost detached from predicting his future.

You can't know that this is "wrong" for him, or will lead to a life he will regret. His greater regret may be that he never (at least) tried BYU. For all you know, BYU may turn him off of molly mos. Not likely, but possible. A miserable five-year marriage may turn him off of moism.

IF you attempt to influence this decision, and he ignores you, and:

1) There is a negative outcome for him - (fill in the blanks)

2) There is a positive outcome for him - (fill in the blanks)

If you are able to deter him from his plan, would you even want to do this? I would not want to be THAT influential with my almost-adult child. Did he ask your opinion? If not, best to just be supportive of his intent. It's not like he's saying, "Hey, mom, I want to drop out of school, try pot and fool around with girls. I've also discovered I have a taste for booze."

I would want to steer my kids away from a cult, but in this case, your best option seems to be by setting an example. You ARE a good person who can be supportive of his life choices, over which you have no control. Your choice seems to be in getting axed from his life, or not.

Breathe, and realize that he has to live his own life, make his own mistakes, even though he still has a very loving, concerned mom. No need to freak out on him. BYU may not make you happy, but may well do so for him.


But, yeah. Freaking out would have to happen before I could calm down and think about it. Just don't pick up the phone until you are calm.

This is great advice. Your concerns are valid. You want what's best for him. I lost a child after an ugly illness. Sorry for the unpleasant perspective. Love that boy. He's really going to need it.

The one thing I would do is talk to him about taking on additional financial responsibilities while he is in school. If he takes on dependents (a stay at home wife, children,) it will make a tough situation even tougher. Yes, BYU students do it every day, but that doesn't make the situation necessary or desirable.

I also think that students don't fully understand student debt. I took out $32,000 in loans for grad school, and the debt (at $320 a month over at least ten years) was crippling on my teacher's salary. It prevented me from getting a badly needed updated car as well as buying a home. Students think it will be easy street once they get a professional job, but making loan payments on a beginner's salary can be very difficult.

My nevermo son decided he wanted to go to Ricks after high school. One of my TBM cousins sons had been trying to Mormonize him. I disabused him of the notion by reminding him that beer drinking was frowned upon in Rexburg.

RB

I have a suspicion that there is more than church or girls going on in his head. Both are good covers but I would ask, what else is going on? Are there signals you are missing?

I'm keeping the freakout confined to here and a couple of close friends -- so far, all I've said to him is to find some current BYU students to talk to about what's it's really like there. He knows I'll support his decision because that's what I do.

We've chatted briefly about the financial hit he'll take, and he doesn't seem concerned; he plans to work while taking a full course load, finding a girl, and getting married before graduation. In the past, we've had discussions about why this isn't a good idea and how many of my students have crashed and burned this way (I teach post-secondary part-time), but he's sure it will work out for him because he's following God's plan.

Good point that BYU might actually put him off Mormonism, or at least show him its dark underbelly. One can hope...

Many, many years ago I transferred to BYU as a non-returned missionary, half hoping that I'd gain a testimony of some kind. And of course, those BYU coeds look lovely, at first sight anyway. Over time I developed quite an inferiority complex that gradually deepened into clinical depression. Why? Because I just couldn't connect with anyone at BYU. Meantime, the nerdiest guys were grabbing all the girls. Hell, if I lose a girl to, say, George Clooney, I'll understand. Losing her to Gomer Pyle really stings!
Following graduation, I soon learned that my BA has no value in the secular workplace. So I had to re-invent myself. By and by, I gained self-confidence and found good friends and a wife who isn't a vegetable by any means. But first I just had to get the hell out of that toxic environment. Every day in every way, BYU sucks away your soul, dulls your intellect, and turns you from a human being into a throw pillow.
I hope you son figures it out sooner than later!

My story is a duplication of Road Worrier's above...

I could write the same thing he wrote - word for word.

A complete waste, going to BYU.

I maintained some sanity by going to Park City as often as I could.

>>...but he's sure it will work out for him because he's following God's plan.

Some people have to learn the hard way.

might be that the soul crushing experience he's about to go through will lead him out of the Morg. I'd echo those who say his chance at a cute, smart girl as a non-RM at BYU are near zero. It doesn't matter that it was for "health reasons." He is about to learn a sad lesson the hard way.

Was he ever a devout Mormon before or is it new?

As another alluded to, perhaps he finds himself attracted to other boys and by going all out super church get married ASAP he will cure himself of the SSA. But you know your son better than anyone on here

Maybe he will get there and see its not perfect as he has it idealized.

I agree with others just wish him well and support however you can.