My son is being a pain today. His dad is over helping with yard work which was sorely needed, and so he treats meet like crap because he doesn't get along with dad.

I told him that he had something on his tooth while I was helping him make crepes for his cooking class. He said "well your ugly".

Now, I get on him about when he smells-he is athletic and works out and stinks and so I tell him to go shower cause he stinks. He has always fought brushing his teeth and at 14 it is showing, and he doesn't give a shit, but he does have white spots and stuff, and I told him he doesn't realize that it cost money to fix them if he won't take care of him.

I try not to be mean, I don't think I am, I just remind him, because he forgets everything. I don't want him to stink, yes I am really sensitive. I also didn't have insurance and money as a kid to keep teeth in good shape, and he has beautiful teeth, and I don't want people to be talking about him behind his back because he doesn't want to take the time to brush.

Well, it realy bugs him. I told him to go to his room and he said no. If I don't remind him, who will? Am I wrong? Do I just let him go and figuer it out? We are the ones who have to pay for his teeth for now, and it will affect him later, so am I wrong in bugging him about that?

I told him he crossed the line by saying that to me, that I have never ever said he was ugly in any way, in fact he is so handsome, and everyone says so. I aready feel like an ugly fat cow, to have him say that.......I know he is angry and just trying to make me feel bad.

Maybe I'll just stop buggin him. But when is he going to figure it out? Stuff like that sticks sometimes, and he is not a dirty kid, just a teen ager.

Just hurt and frustrated.

I think that is rude attitude, or contempt derision at least it is hostility cloaked in a sentence talking about your body or face. That is not his right to determine or speak a critical unpleasant opinion about your existance style or type of body face or life.

it sounds alright but it isn't alright.

its like um he says something that is a sentence in proper context and you figure good, at least he can talk. or great he makes sounds with meaning. Right? but youre not concerned whether he can learn to make sounds that use grammar that is correct or descriptive phrases in English right now- so that skill, of being able to speak in a complete sentence, is off topic. It is ireeelevent. So focusing on his talent is a diversion isn't it?


That means focusing on his moods is irelevent as well- when he called you a name or used a negative contempting cloaked hostile critical attacking disrespecting- statement= about you to you.

really? well it is. Say something is in a bad mood. Does that mean they can wreck the car? Say someone is in a bad mood. does that mean they can cut down the neighbors' trees? say someone is in a bad mood does that mean they can the break the law? But they weren't happy! They weren't feeling good! They noticed something they didn't enjoy!! Why is that not an excuse to break the law? We can't use mood or situation as an excuse to allow other people EVEN from our own family to abuse us verbally obviously or ruin our home, life, finances= or anything- and accept it or allow because WE WERE AWARE that they were not 'feeling happy today' for whatever reason.

even though life isn't fair, people, even young people, need to not attack or verbally abuse- their mother.

case in point: if someone called someone else's mother ugly, those are fighting words.

so since those are fighting words, it is obvious, that the person who said it knew it was a bad thing to do.


I am sorry you are having this problem at this time. If you can't make this stop with consequences, and turn it around so that he is protecting and respecting you rather than using fighting words and phrases to you- that other young men would fight over if someone said about their mother,

you might need coaching on this.

and they didn't fight that person- everyone, including their superivors- would say : what the *'s wrong with you, don't you love your mother?

no son should say that statement to his mother. It's just wrong.

You having to defend yourself against that statement is just wrong.

My spouse said, after 23 years as a public high school teacher & former scout master, and wrestling coach, if he heard a son say to me what would you do, "beat the crap out of him" his response.
athletes & contact sports are very physical.

there's something viseral- in the response to this statement.

its a fighting insult.

you need good boundaries, you need help with boundaries, your son used a fighting insult to your face about you. It is all upside down and it was wrong. and that, that is no excuse, no mood no attitude, no platitude, no unfairness thing, no dislikes this or that- IT WAS WRONG>

any male knows. any man would say calling his mother ugly is fighting words. & he knows it.

^& if he used those words on you= he's all wrong. it is wrong. He knows he's wrong.

He's 14. That might be the reason but it's no excuse for his behaviour or for you to put up with it.

One really hard smack and a long restrictive grounding might help.

Yeah, I know, modesty forbids you from admitting the truth that you are a bit of a MIL... oops! Can't say that, here! >:oD

If he says it again say: "Gee, son! sorry I have such strong genes!" ;oD

Or knock him unconscious. I am sure Dr Spock recommended that. Or am I confusing him with Mr Spock and his Vulcan neck pinch? Ah, well.

matt Wrote:
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> Yeah, I know, modesty forbids you from admitting
> the truth that you are a bit of a MIL... oops!
> Can't say that, here! >:oD
>
> If he says it again say: "Gee, son! sorry I have
> such strong genes!" ;oD
>
> Or knock him unconscious. I am sure Dr Spock
> recommended that. Or am I confusing him with Mr
> Spock and his Vulcan neck pinch? Ah, well.


I agree - someone needs to take him down a notch! I vote for the Vulcan neck pinch! LOL

for being negative and showing off. He is a typical mouthy teenage boy that has not discovered girls yet enough to know he needs to smell good! :-)
Please, don't let him get to you!
Just roll your eyes, and don't act like you care. Maybe that will stop the mouthiness.
If he can't get a rise out of you, maybe he will see it doesn't work.
Sometimes just hand signals work, without words. He comes in the house smelling like a dirty shoe - just point to the bathroom and make a face!

or just ignore ...me! :-)

start laughing, like it's a big old joke. Wow, what a sense of humor you have! That's hilarious! And laugh and laugh and laugh!
Don't take him seriously. Make some smart crack back. Make it into a fun, funny exchange.

It depends on the kid. My sister had a defiant boy who would say things to upset her or worry her when he was going through his terrible teens. (like criticizing her parenting, or he would defy her).

Rather than letting HIM know how it made her feel, she'd bluff a bit. She'd laugh the comments off as ridiculous and invalid, and stand firm in what she was requiring of him.

He grew out of it. And they have a good relationship now that he's an adult.

Kind of like saying, "Doesn't matter if I'm ugly as Medusa, you STILL need to brush your dang teeth".


I DO think there is a time to tell a kid that you don't appreciate their rude comments, or to give a consequence for rudeness/defiance. But if the kid is TRYING to hurt you, you don't want to reward them by letting them know they got to you.

Boys are so funny. Up to a point, they hate to bathe, hate to brush their teeth, wear the same clothing day in and day out. You can remind them, but they ignore you. And then one day, they discover girls and all that changes. They spend hours in the bathroom, long showers, changing clothes, brushing their teeth, using deodorant and you think, "where the heck did my real kid go??"

I think you shouldn't let him be rude to you. Telling you you're ugly is not acceptable. If it was my kid, I'd warn him about it once, and then if it happened again, favorite electronics would start to disappear. However, the cleanliness thing will no doubt correct itself. Then you have to worry about girlfriends and making sure they know about condom use.

I was a smart-ass teenager but I would NEVER, EVER call my mother ugly. I don't normally condone violence, but I think the others are right- a good smack in the face ought to teach him. If you don't smack him he at least deserves some kind of punishment. And at the very least get his dad to sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk about the way he treats you.

You are right to lecture him about his teeth. Dental work is freakin expensive. Plus, if he's so handsome he should want nice teeth to go with that pretty face.

How does that work?

Heresy Wrote:
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> How does that work?

Very, VERY well. Though some experts recommend not leaving any marks.

At least it did on me. I remember saying what I said. Then my Mom bringing me to with ammonia on a washcloth. I never lied to my Dad again.

Something about instant, and painful, karma worked rather well on me.

It is not wrong to remind him of personal cleanliness. Beginning in 5th grade it is so important to continually remind children and young teens that their bodies are becoming more adult and WE must bath, shower put on deoterant and they must too.

And as for the comment, well, I would not speak to him about it again. I would wait for HIM to think it through and apologize. He does recall saying it right? Don't harp on him about it....stay silent on that issue and he may begin to feel guilty. He SHOULD. He must learn self control when he is angry and one way is to recognize his error and apologize. But it can't be a forced apology.

we are actually nagging them. It's a fine line. If he's 14 and developing a mouth, he's normal. Not to say you shouldn't call him on it.

wine country girl Wrote:
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> we are actually nagging them. It's a fine line.
> If he's 14 and developing a mouth, he's normal.
> Not to say you shouldn't call him on it.

The last time my mother gave ME as clip round the ear, I was 47. And I deserved it! ;o))

I got hit twice. The first time, for making a rude joke at a family dinner, the second time was a second later, for making it so funny, that it made my mother laugh! ;o))

Thanks for all the sage advice!! When I went back downstairs from posting, I was going to just ignore it, I had already told him to go to his room, which he refused, so that is why I had to walk away.

So he was trying to cook his crepes and he saw me and was almost in tears and said, mom, i'm sorry. I was angry that you were bugging me about my teeth and it makes me feel bad, but I'm sorry for saying that.

And then we talked about it, why I bug him, and how come he takes it so personally.

Still, he has never said that and in fact gets mad at me when I say something negative about my body or something.

I would like to think his dad will say something to him tonight, he is going to his place, which i at first said no, but I didn't realy want him home and he does need to spend time with dad.

His dad the past few years does not treat me well, and I do often see tha in my son in some ways, but never the ugly thing.

I would love to smack him, but he is taller, bigger, and stronger than me. I am not sure what I would have done had he not apologized.

He told me his is brushing his teeth more, though I haven't seen it. He would even wet his toothbrush so I would think he had done it........Well, he has to get braces, so if he has cavities, which he has never had an issue with, then maybe he will get it, except we get to pay for it.

He loves girls, but right now is single, maybe that's why. He did take a shower to go to dads they had worked in the yard, so maybe he is getting it.

Sigh......

Say: "Well, OK, honey. I accept your apology. But about your teeth cleaning, I was only thinking of all the girls you will be Frenching! I mean, who wants to deep kiss a fellow who has yesterday's dinner jammed between their teeth?"

Plus...
>I would love to smack him, but he is taller, bigger, and stronger than me.

Use a brick in a sock.

Anyhow, my mum is typically Welsh, much smaller than me and I am STILL nervous of her right hand, and I am 53! No. Damn, now I am 54. ;o))

BTW, am I right in my guess? Are you about 5 foot 5, with gorgeous hair, a cute body and eyes to die for? ;o))



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/14/2011 08:28PM by matt.

Glad he apologized as I had hoped he might. He had some time to think and I believe all kids deserve a chance to apologize. It rarely happens just after the incident...but within an hour or two is acceptable IMO. I think he truly is sorry.

In my view saying nothing tells your son that you don't respect yourself enough to call him on it. And yes, that is part of being a teen ager, but it's not excuse to let him do it. HE needs to know that there are some things that he cannot do without concequences and one of those things is disrespecting his mother. if you don't care, he will think it is ok. I would remind my son and then make him pay me a dollar (a quarter when he did it as a kid) because money to him was important. then the next time i would just say 'that was disrespect, where's my buck? that would cure it for awhile until he forgot and we'd go thru the same thing again. I realized that kids don't automatically respect their parents. they need to be taught this and it is a very important lesson to learn. good luck.

Of course you're not wrong to point things out to him that he needs to do. For all species, including ours, a parent's job is to teach their young how to be an independent, functioning member of society some day.

I'd probably respond with, "Oh, yeah!?! Well your face looks like a baboon's ass!!!"

I agree with the posters who want to know why he's saying such mean things.

His father needs to give him a stern talking to, and if that doesn't work, a mild smacking around.
Does that boy not like girls? Have you told him girls won't have anything to do with him if he isn't clean?

That's what I was thinking. Rotten teeth wouldn't make much of an impression for dating or during job interviews.

At 14 not so sure the smack is going to have much effect....however the next time he wanted something out of me I would say no and remind him of what he said. As for teeth and BO, tell him he is not going to eat with the rest of you with yesterday's dinner on his choppers and smelling like a locker room.......ie BATH NOW! Haul him off to a dentist and get his teeth cleaned so he has a good starting point.

I remember a few times smelly troops that refused to shower being dragged in forcibly and cleaned with a bristle brush by those who were fed up with the smell......they got the message.

Johnny Canuck Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> At 14 not so sure the smack is going to have much
> effect....however the next time he wanted
> something out of me I would say no and remind him
> of what he said. As for teeth and BO, tell him he
> is not going to eat with the rest of you with
> yesterday's dinner on his choppers and smelling
> like a locker room.......ie BATH NOW! Haul him off
> to a dentist and get his teeth cleaned so he has a
> good starting point.
>
> I remember a few times smelly troops that refused
> to shower being dragged in forcibly and cleaned
> with a bristle brush by those who were fed up with
> the smell......they got the message.

Ooh. Good idea. You just reminded me of when my brother was a teenager. I had my first car and my brother was constantly asking me to drive him places.

If I said, "Yes," he told me I was the greatest, etc. If I said, "No," I got called a mean, ugly witch. So finally, I said to him that I was sick of the name-calling, and announced, "You're banned from being in my car for a year."

I stuck to my guns and didn't drive him anywhere again for exactly a year. It worked. He didn't call me names again.

Something like that doesn't have to take a year, but just like when I got my Mom to finally stop criticizing me, I announced what I would do, followed through, and eventually, when it wasn't working for them anymore, they stopped.

Put him on ignore. He is figuring life out for himself. Let him.

Let his peers have a go at him or others in general. He is old enough and has been given enough instructions to figure the rest out by himself.

Laugh but try and stay on the side of respectful even when he isn't being that way himself. (remember you are the adult here) You will not and cannot win this one with beratings or challenges. He needs the space to grow. Give it to him but don't engage. He is spreading his wings and trying to force his compliant behavior will only result in more bad behavior.

Don't you remember lashing out at your mom and dad when you were in your teens. Same scene but a few years later.

Good luck

"It it very hurtful when you say things like that. If you cannot treat others with respect, even when you are unhappy, then you will find that others do not treat you with respect."

In other words, this is a teaching moment just like any other.

And try not to let his words reinforce the negative tapes in your mind. Ugly is as ugly does and right now you appear to have an ugly teenager. (Not that I think you should necessarily tell him that.)

Ahhh, I remember the teen years. The best I can tell you is to keep reminding yourself that in 10 years they'll be whole new people. Keep your chin up!

And you didn't tell him..and they say you look just like me.

You can't let him say things like that without calling him on out..and not going to his room when told..not acceptable..

Any dentral work and he's going to need a
job.

He's dissing you, not allowed.

stormy

Teenagers can be on quite the roller-coaster ride. The rudeness needs a "response", but sometimes the "quiet" responses can actually have the most impact.

Don't hit your kids. I would also advise not to yell, but that's a personal opinion. There are times for a very stern voice and very abrupt and instant actions, but also times to ignore or let some time pass first. It can sometimes be difficult deciding on the best tactic.

Teenagers really need to shower and brush daily. Most figure this out from social feedback. If he needs some more motivation, give him some.

Teenager: Mom, can you dive me to the mall?
Mom: I don't think so.
Teenager: Why not? Please.
Mom: No offense, but getting into an enclosed space with your body odor might just cause me to black out and crash, but I'd be happy to drive you to the mall if you showered first.

Moroni Marten Wrote:
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> Teenager: Mom, can you dive me to the mall?
> Mom: I don't think so.
> Teenager: Why not? Please.
> Mom: No offense, but getting into an enclosed
> space with your body odor might just cause me to
> black out and crash, but I'd be happy to drive you
> to the mall if you showered first.


Yep. Or, "You just sat here and called me ugly. Why on earth would I feel inclined to now do you a favour? I don't think so."

Yeah, that would have been a knock up side the head and an empty room, everything taken from him - phone, computer, clothes, etc... And I would have told him, as he's laying on the floor crying, "I give you everything you have. You have no right to talk to me this way. I pay for your teeth and you will brush them every day. Talk to me like that again and I'll fucking knock them down your throat."

I've never hit my children, but I have taken privilidges from them, taken their phones, etc... But they know better than to talk to my wifre and I like this. My daughter said one time how a friend of hers got spanked and if we tried she would call the police, my wifr said, "oh honey, you'd have to make it to the phone to do that."

Our children don't get nasty.

I got really good advice one time from a child psychologist. He said with teens, you have 5 "bullets" defined as your boundaries/priorities and number of things he'll listen to you about. Then, you narrow those down to three unnegotiables.

Because I was raised in a Mo misogynistic household which diminished me and severely restricted my opportunities, I knew first-hand the damage this could cause. My top unnegotiable was my son's respectful behavior toward me and his sisters.

He is learning how to treat women in general and perhaps a partner someday. He learns this from you and his father, not from your words but from who you are and how you interact with others.

Striking him sends a message in the wrong direction. Verbalize consistently and clearly what treatment is not acceptable. Then, make it equally clear that although you love him and will continue to meet his basic needs, friendship and respect are earned (even if it's a parent).

Teach him now that you are under no obligation to drive him anywhere, pay for anything other than basics, do his laundry, cook for him (as long as there's food in the house) or any other sort of service. You CHOOSE to do these things, and you can choose not to. You can't control him or his choices. You can control your response to his disrespect.

By the way, I find it particularly distasteful that he targets you when he's actually mad about something else. I suspect he feels safe with you. That may help him come around if you communicate clearly and stick to your guns. Love him enough to help him learn how to relate to a woman in a healthy way.

Unindoctrinated Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I got really good advice one time from a child
> psychologist. He said with teens, you have 5
> "bullets" defined as your boundaries/priorities
> and number of things he'll listen to you about.
> Then, you narrow those down to three
> unnegotiables.
>
> Because I was raised in a Mo misogynistic
> household which diminished me and severely
> restricted my opportunities, I knew first-hand the
> damage this could cause. My top unnegotiable was
> my son's respectful behavior toward me and his
> sisters.
>
> He is learning how to treat women in general and
> perhaps a partner someday. He learns this from you
> and his father, not from your words but from who
> you are and how you interact with others.
>
> Striking him sends a message in the wrong
> direction. Verbalize consistently and clearly what
> treatment is not acceptable. Then, make it equally
> clear that although you love him and will continue
> to meet his basic needs, friendship and respect
> are earned (even if it's a parent).
>
> Teach him now that you are under no obligation to
> drive him anywhere, pay for anything other than
> basics, do his laundry, cook for him (as long as
> there's food in the house) or any other sort of
> service. You CHOOSE to do these things, and you
> can choose not to. You can't control him or his
> choices. You can control your response to his
> disrespect.
>
> By the way, I find it particularly distasteful
> that he targets you when he's actually mad about
> something else. I suspect he feels safe with you.
> That may help him come around if you communicate
> clearly and stick to your guns. Love him enough to
> help him learn how to relate to a woman in a
> healthy way.


Good advice. Children think we HAVE to cook, clean, pay for, buy, etc... all the extra things and we don't.