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Posted by: ftw ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 07:05PM

I'm wondering if anybody has some good advice on what to tell my TBM parents and also my TBM in-laws. I'm married with kids, in my 30's, but have a decent relationship with everyone and would like to keep it that.

My father and mother have recently sent me emails indicating they think I'm having a faith crisis and are fishing. I'm honestly not sure how long they've been sitting on them but I do attend church in the 1-2 times a month range and haven't had a calling or done much for a few years. And of course the most complex part of all is that my wife still wants to attend...

This year one of my kids turns 8 and another 12. So the timing to get it over with is probably now.

Is there a less offensive way to say I think the church and religion in general is mostly false and harmful that has worked for people? I know I could rock the 11th article of faith, but that has to be pretty unsatisfying. My parents and inlaws are genuinely good people who care.

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Posted by: ericka ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 07:06PM

How old is elderly?

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Posted by: ftw ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 07:24PM

Well my parents are mid 70's, my inlaws are mid 60's which isn't all that elderly I guess :-)

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Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 07:37PM

Let's be clear: There is absolutely NOTHING "offensive" about you deciding what to believe or not believe. Nothing, nada, zip.

They may take "offense" if you're honest, but that's not because what you tell them is "offensive." It's their problem, not yours.

I suggest honest but diplomatic. Something along the lines of:

"I don't believe it's true. I have good reasons for that. For me to continue to attend church and pretend to believe, when I don't, would be hypocritical and dishonest. I'm not that kind of person. I hope you respect my wish to be honest and open, and to live my life as I decide is best for me."

And I wish you well.

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 08:11PM

I second the motion.

If saying what we honestly feel and have given much thought to is offensive to your parents, they are the ones with the problem as people who are expert at taking offense. You should be the one offended as their offense is an insinuation that you are not capable of critical rational thought.

The problem isn't their age. The problem is that they are Mormon. You aren't going to kill them with your information. Just remember tone is everything, and you actually can be respectful while telling them.

They will most likely just try to convince you that you really do have a testimony and will regularly say things to try and ignite it. Mine did. I just listened and let it go and once in a while very mildly said I did not believe at all and would they like to know the details. They didn't. Keep it low key, but say the truth.

I was sobbing when I told my dad. I highly recommend that. Really puts them off their game. :)

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Posted by: Ericka ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 07:54PM

If they were in their late 90's or had a terminal illness, I wouldn't mention it. Otherwise, I would say tell them if that's what you need to do. They've been around awhile and should be able to handle news like this. They may be overly dramatic about it, but that's their issue,not yours.

I think it's best for people to live their life being upfront about who they are. If you have to hide your beliefs, and have to teach your children to do the same, I don't think it's good for anyone involved.

I was disowned and written out of the will. I'm good with that. Some people may not be. If it would help you to get a little counseling before you break the news, do that for yourself.

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Posted by: Pariah ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 03:18AM

Yeah, when my husband resigned, and I resigned a year later, with our children, his parents disowned us--all of us--even the grandchildren.

Ideally, religious belief should be a private matter, and none of your parents' business. Why tell them at all? The church is false, either way.

First, I would settle things with my spouse. In some marriages, couples belong to different religions, but if one spouse is Mormon, this doesn't seem to work. Open up to your wife how distressed you are at the Truths you are discovering. Yes, (genuine) tears help.

I stressed what I DID believe, instead of what I did not believe. If you still believe in Christ, in family, in love, or whatever, you can reassure your folks about that.

No matter how much you want to, don't do anything that your folks would interpret as rebellion. Tattoos, drinking, smoking, partying, etc., is not as important as keeping your family together.

I will assume your children are on the same page as you--children are often wiser than brainwashed adults. Saving your children is more important than placating your in-laws and parents.

Congratulations on finding and following the Truth.

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Posted by: paintinginthewin ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 03:36AM

And don't worry about it if there over 70 in my opinion.ask them for pictures of relatives ancestors if theverything got the genealogy bug. And recipes so you can know family biscuits or cookies, rather than only Google Drive recipes. I'm not saying change the subject, but why is it worth it to argue with some one between heart med I cation doses* or inhales between breathing treatments -avoiding oxygen. And don't even get me started on biopsies between mammograms ! prostrategy surgeries ,or new knees' physical therapies, pain-pills for bolted-backs' fused vertebraes crying trying to take bike rides. triathletes getting back on their feet after hip replacement surgery. Don't you think they may be disillusioned enough.

Can't you share some good stuff? Like breathing gentle yoga stretches, or pretty music, or guitar riffs on a new banjo * like medical Marijuana support when their backs seized up, or strawberry pie, or something .

Just change the way you dress anyways, and bring them out to eat breakfast on Sundays -before or after their church .... or share a neat Netflix next timage you visit.

That's if they let you visit if you still can or even ever could eat or drink together without everybody attacking each other or someone frightening someone or everyone getting all worked up. If you can eat all all without all that I say do b there give each it up.
If you can, if they will let you in the house hug you and let you sit on the couch, rather than walk away or make an excuse to ke a c e when you show up or be verbally hostile aggressive unkind hurtful about your body or hair or something.

I just mean if there's any friendliness there, keep it.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/12/2017 03:47AM by paintinginthewin.

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Posted by: praydude ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 04:41AM

My Mom is in her 70's and I'm in the same boat as you. Both of my parents sided with my TBM ex-wife and I haven't spoken to them since...but then my dad died. My mom has been reaching out to me and lately I have been talking to her - only to find out that my TBM sister who is supposed to take care of her has drained all of her life's savings.

Not sure what to do with my mom. On one hand, she wrote letters to the courts telling them that I was an unfit parent. On the other, she is now living in an assisted living facility on her own.

The whole thing is just awful

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/12/2017 04:41AM by praydude.

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 04:43AM

In a normal church this would be no big deal. An adult child would say, "Mom and Dad, the local Methodist Church was no longer meeting my needs. I stopped going there."

Mormonism is another matter because it makes unreasonable claims that if a parent is faithful, their children will remain good mormons forever no matter what.

So asking us to come up with the words to counter this false assumption is asking for something that doesn't exist. It's up to your parents how they deal with trying to justify their church's false claims about you.

Be kind and tactful, but don't take the blame if your parents overreact. Many can come to terms with their disappoint, but many never do. If they've matured in spite of their indoctrination, they'll eventually accept your decision. Time will tell.

Good luck.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 05:38AM

I would keep it simple. "Mom, dad, I've been studying the historical issues related to Mormonism. I no longer believe that the Mormon church is true. You are welcome to your own beliefs, but I no longer share them. Currently, I attend only occasionally to keep DW company. I will not be baptizing nor ordaining the kids."

Keep in mind that their first reaction will likely be an extreme one. You will need to give them time to come to terms with it. It may take up to a year for things to settle down to what their final reaction will be.

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Posted by: pathfinder ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 03:49PM

It's your life not theirs. They have chosen their life path. You are free to choose yours.

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Posted by: Exmoron ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 04:05PM

In my opinion, the 11th article of faith poses an internal inconsistency in Mormon doctrine. On the one hand the cult likes to proudly tout how progressive they are in allowing folks to have the freedom to worship as they may, but yet if you are an exmormon - they also tell your family to distance themselves AND shun you. Bottom line is it's risky to boldly tell aging TBM parents how bat shit crazy their religion is. I was lucky, my 85 year old parent's took it well, but other's may not. Run the risk of complete shunning. Might be better to give them milk toast (soft) version of one's post Mormon views - nothing blatant (in their faces).

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Posted by: canary21 ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 11:08PM

Have them over for a nice cup of hot chocolate at your home and let it roll out of you naturally. Take your time to let it roll out. You control when you want to reveal that. Whenever you're ready.

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Posted by: moremany ( )
Date: January 13, 2017 04:26PM

Nothing wrong with fishing- hope you catch some big ones. To the point...

It's natural to want to tell everybody when you find (the) TRUTH, happiness, freedom, etc. That's what morons do, but then again, they mistakenly think they have found it.

Maybe just say you took the road less traveled, because you like to pick the flowers. All the flowers along the road more traveled have been picked.


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Posted by: brianberkeley ( )
Date: January 14, 2017 12:38AM

In my family we simply agree not to talk about religion or politics.

I would simply decline to talk about religion since it is personal.

My family does look at my extensive library on Eastern philosophy and religion, but no comments.

My advice is to decline speaking about religion.

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Posted by: josephsmithseer ( )
Date: January 14, 2017 10:12PM

yeah why would it matter? How is it any of there business? Just tell them your member of LDS. If they dig deeper tell them Joseph Smith is scoundrel and pig. Invite them over and have couple cases of beer in fridge. Get the idea lol

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/14/2017 10:19PM by josephsmithseer.

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Posted by: jacob ( )
Date: January 14, 2017 10:20PM

I am not having a crisis of faith, I no longer have faith.

The "scriptures" say that faith is a gift from god. I have decided that I no longer want that gift.

Please respect my privacy in this matter, as I value our relationship far more than I value being right or wrong about religion.

If you wish to have an open conversation about this I will polity refuse. Please do not take this in a hostile way. I simply do not wish to discuss such a sensitive and potentially divisive topic with people who I care about.

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: January 15, 2017 04:08AM

Everyone has a right to keep personal subjects personal. The need not talk about religious, political or sexual preferences with friends, family, associates, bosses or fellow workers.

I'm appalled when I hear people on planes or in restaurants bringing up these subjects with near strangers or with anyone who has no right to interfere or to have input into some other person's thinking. This goes double for mormon strangers who show up on the street or at the door.

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