There are no boundaries in my Mom's realm of perception. There is nothing that she can't do any time she feels like it. She isn't hearing a thing we tell her or she is and she's ignoring it. No boundaries, so she feels she can ignore..

Case in point. She falled storm's office, she wasn't available to take her call. So she left the following message with the receptionist. Tell Stormy we are all coming to Matt's First Holy Communion. All of us means her, possibly my Dad, my brother, his wife and two daughters, my sister, her husband and their three children, two girls and a boy. Tell her we're all coming, this after we discussed this wasn't acceptable.

WTH is going through her mind? Storm called me to tell me the latest development. She had already called Mom and told her by all means come out. Like she had a choice, Mom had already booked everyone's flights and made hotel reservations.

Then she asked her why is this important to you? You certainly don't believe in the Catholic communion do you? Well no was her answer. But I want to know and understand it since it is my grandson doing this. Storm countered with, the grandson you have ignored since he was born because he wasn't blessed and raised in the LDS church? The second class citizen since he doesn't have the true church in his life? The same grandson who never received as much as a birthday card from you for the above reasons ever? The son of a woman not worthy of your son because she wasn't Mormon and would never convert? The same young woman you called a Catholic whore?

Then when my Mom stopped sputtering, storm said. I have changed my mind, you are not coming for Matt's First Holy Communion. It's a special day in his life and I won't let you sit there with a sour smug look on your face. Thinking look at these foolish Catholics doing this when they could know the true church. The rest of the family can come but not you.

For far too long, I have been silent while you blasted Jake and myself. It's over as of now. Jake and I told you what the rules are. Obviously our wishes mean nothing to you so yours mean nothing to me or Jake.

Your son will be confirmed in the Catholic Church within a month. We will let you know when so you can come if you wish. We will decide on our wedding date and will definitely invite all of you. But remember this, if you choose not to come this time, we will do what you did..cut you off from our lives.

Now please call Jake so he can confirm everything I have just told you and by the way..never call me at my office about anything of a personal nature unless someone is dying.

OMG! I got an earful when she called. Storm was rude, offensive, uncaring, mean spirited and on and on. I said, that's how you have treated her for years. I'm surprised she waited this long.

Do you want me at Matt's Communion? I told no not really. Because if she wrecked the day for any of us, I would never forgive her.

By this time I became a spokesman for Satan. I didn't know what I was saying. How could I do this to her? She always had my best interests at heart. Bull shit was my response. I said, I've had enough I'm hanging up now and I will call you when I'm ready to and don't call me period.

Oh, and it's customary to send a grandchild a First Communion gift. A child's Catholic Bible would be appropriate as would a book about Saints. With that I hung up.

Will she get it this time? How many times will this scene be played out until it finally sinks in? I'm losing patience with her and storm, well to her credit she didn't use any bad language.

Still shaking my head

Jake

What she doesn't get is that this is about the child and how to make the experience wonderful for him.

She isn't thinking of him and hasn't been thinking of him. This is an opportunity for her to make some weird statement.

You are so right to exclude her. If she were there it would be a huge distraction for you and Stormy.

Anagrammy

wow, i'm sorry for y'all. maybe mom will come around and realize what's right and what's not.

Jake,

Well, from one outspoken physician to another (seems there are several physicians here on RfM, what's up with that???), I just had to chime in here.

I feel so sorry for you all and my heart goes out to you. But I can't help thinking a few things.

What does your son want? He'll likely answer that he'd love to have his extended family (including the Grands) there.

Ok, so if he wants them there, and it's really his day, why all the drama? I know all the heartache you and Stormy have had with your parents, but at some point you all need to move on. Notice I didn't say forgive. I just said move on.

Ok, so if that's so, then I'd let them come. It sounds like she's (Mom's) really reaching out here with being willing to come, even going so far as buying plane tickets. And obviously she's got others in your family excited about coming too.

I'd consider letting them come for your son's excitement/happiness, and maybe allow this opportunity be the start of a new relationship. With appropriate boundaries, it also might be a good dress rehearsal for your upcoming wedding too.

Just a thought, Trauma-Doc.

Because they fear she will be like a vegan at a hog roast, wandering round, glowering at the evuuul meat eaters.

Why do they fear this? Because it is what people like her do. They can't help themselves.

They behave badly because "I is a Mormon, so I is specuul."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/17/2011 05:25PM by matt.

It sounds like this event was the catalyst for an important conversation with your mother, Jake. You and Stormy told her many things that needed to be said.

Part of me agrees with what Ms. Solar Flare is saying. It could be that your mom is trying to make amends, understand, grow, and develop closer ties to your family.

But part of me understands where you are coming from as well. Your mom had done a lot of damage. Trust doesn't come easily, and probably shouldn't come easily in such a situation. My eyes really popped at her (once) calling Stormy a "Catholic whore." Wow.

Perhaps in your next conversation with her, you could point out that part of trying to understand another's (different) way of life is *listening*. When she bought all those plane tickets, she was treating this event like a Mormon baptism (where extended family comes in from all over,) instead of a Catholic first communion which tends to be just parents/grandparents or family in the immediate area. She failed to understand that many families will need to be accommodated in the church for this rite of passage. OTOH, perhaps she is seeing this event with the only framework she has.

If she sends a suitably Catholic gift or appropriate card to your son, you'll know that you're making progress with her.

Good on you for sticking up for Stormy!

I've always said that these people will go right on bullying us until we put our foot down and say, "Enough. No more." I've done it in my own life and if you're consistent, it does eventually work. If they want to be in your life, they learn to quit it.

A very big +1!

We teach people how to treat us.

I am one of those that got fed up with parental manipulation, questioning my life's decisions, belittling, etc. just like Stormy. I am an adult, and as such, I don't have to deal with the crap that parents can and do dish out.

After one major last straw, which included her failed attempt to blackmail us into submission, I had had enough.

So one nice sunny April morning, my now former ex-mother called and began her useless, probing diatribe for which I replied: "No more. I want you to get a job, find a hobby, develop new friendships, or what ever it takes because I do not want you to call us again. Do not call here again." Then I hung up the phone.

Done! Gone! We never heard from her again. And we are fine without her in our lives.

P.S. And I didn't use any swear words either!

It is entertaining for the the rest of us (in kind of a morbid way) but no progress with this woman has been made over the time you have been reporting. It seems to be spiraling to new lows.

While I have been supportive of you and Jake (and amused at mom's insanity) I find mom is beyond belief. I know you aren't making this stuff up but your tolerance for grief and relentless pain in your lives is boardering on what Jesus himself, went through. lol.

Unless you tend toward the machochism side of life, I wonder if it's not (past) time to move on without her involvement. She loves center stage and you keep giving it too her. How much energy are you willing to keep giving her and her sillyness?

JMHO

Matt doesn't care one way or another if they come..remember he barely knows them.

The decision stands she wasn't invited and based on previous experience she's not coming..this is a special day for matt. Not a platform for her.

The buying tickets and making his brother and disaster come is another example of I can
do whatever I want and no one will stop me.

Done with her antics, manipulations and caustic mouth.

Jake agrees..with her it won't be done but she can give it rest.

stormy

The reason she wants to come is because she WASN'T invited. So, she takes it upon herself to invite hubby and herself, her other son and his wife and two daughters, her daughter and her husband and their three children.

Are you fucking kidding?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/17/2011 10:57AM by wine country girl.

Did mama bulldoze all the extended family into planning to attend. I bet some of them weren't all that eager to make the trip.

I'd probablly tell her you just aren't up to dealing with her histrionics and manipulation (and yes, I'd use those words) and I want her to leave us entirely alone for at least six months. After that I would be willing to give her a chance to demonstrate that she has finally decided to put on her big girl pants and start living out appropriate boundaries. Hopefully she can get refunds for the flights and hotels but she DID chose to take action BEFORE she was invited.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/17/2011 12:31PM by Rebeckah.

whether you want it or not, the whole brood may just show up and your MIL may make a scene?

Even if they do all show up, I can't imagine her being willing to make a scene during a First Communion Mass at a large Catholic church, if only to spare herself embarrassment. She'd look like a rude fool in a church that will be packed to the gills with mostly Catholics. She might want to humiliate you, but she won't want to humiliate herself.

Who knows...I'm realizing more and more from talking to TBMs I know, and from reading this board, how deep disdain for Catholicism (not to mention other Christian denominations) runs among Mormons, which is sad and surprising to me given that I heard nothing negative whatsoever about other faiths when I attended Catholic schools and church services for the first 20 years of my life. Nonetheless, it may be that your MIL would be impressed by the beauty of a First Communion Mass, though I'm sure she'd never admit it! Let's face it, Catholics tend to be pretty good on the ritualistic stuff, nice decor of churches, etc. Maybe it would begin to soften her views about Catholicism, or even about non-Mormon faiths generally.

I honestly hope you are correct. That said, I still get the feeling that this "person" is more than willing to make a scene and embarrass the blazes out of the stormy and the husband in church and not really care about the embarrassment to herself.

Everything you tell her is an opportunity for her to bully her way into your lives -- all on her terms, a method she has perfected for decades.

This may sound harsh, but maybe you all need to put her in "Time Out" for awhile: no phone calls, no emails, no contact.
Tell her nothing about what is going on in your life. Zero. Nothing.
Make sure your employment knows not to take her calls.

If you don't want her someplace, appoint someone to not let her in.

If necessary, tell them all they are not invited, this is not a family affair, and if they show up, they won't be allowed to attend.

In short: STOP TALKING TO HER. Period. You made everything clear, but she thinks it doesn't apply to her because she wants to do things differently and she has gotten away with this behavior for so long, nobody stops her.

I'm probably opening up a big can of worms here. But whenever I see threads like this I'm reminded of how the diversity of exmos is great. The one thing we all have in common is that we're exmos and many of us are dealing with relatives who are TBM's that want to keep reeling us back up. In the case of moms they never seem to give up.

But your situation has the added complication that shows the great diversity of exmos. The viewpoints on how to deal with the power/authority games of history that's given us certain cultures/creeds thanks to adherence to the Book of Genesis story on the 6 days of creation, Elisha's she-bear and the 42 kids, etc. is certainly diverse. Many exmos have more in common with your mom than stormy on whether or not its a good idea for your son to have Catholic communion. And there are even exmos who'd rather see their kids be Mormon than Catholic.

Well I'll shut up as I'm getting at the core 800 lb. elephant in the room on this website. Everyone is fine here slaying the Joe Smith cow just as long as we don't slay anyone else's sacred cows ;)

She didn't ask our opinion so it's beyond rude to try and interject yours.

This is about mommy-dearest not grasping boundaries. You seem to have that in common with her.

and this is a thread about how some people dont have any boundaries!
Many exmos have more in common with your mom than stormy on whether or not its a good idea for your son to have Catholic communion
huh? MANY more? hmmmm

This mother needs a diagnosis, and not of the kind the make at the ER room.

Bulling, interfering relatives has been going on for eons!!Especially when it comes to religion! That is probably the major core element of families -- all arguing over who is right and who is wrong and who is going to be punished by their deity.

I can tell stories of just this kind of thing in my family and others I know. This is a typical kind of human behavior. The only thing that changes are the faces!

Welcome to the club of my religion is right and yours is wrong!!

i hope all goes well from here on out! awesome!~

when my mother was doing some more of her "interesting" things--I told my therapist what she had done "recently" (this was about 7 years ago). Many people were telling me, "Oh, that was so nice." I told my therapist and he said, "OHHHHH, She's good!"

He told me when my mother threw tantrums to not respond to them and if I did respond to them, I was being a bad child. I was about 48 years old. I had never had someone say that to me before. He said ignore her tantrums. They will escalate for a while and then they will die down. They did.

I only answered my mother's calls when I CHOSE to answer them. I quit taking my ex MIL's calls. People use the phone to abuse you. We do not have to answer the phone.

I've known all along that this mother of your's was not learning a thing. She was playing along for the next chance to have a tantrum. She is passive-aggressive at its finest and you need to keep her at bay--not allow her so much access to you. You guys at least have distance.

She's having a temper tantrum because she hasn't gotten her way. It is never going to change. The only thing that can change is how you respond.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/17/2011 05:39PM by cl2.