My wife and I just had our first session with the counselor from LDSFS. My intitial impression: it was ok. I'll know more at the follow-up appointment. This was more of a get to you know you kind of appointment, figuring out our situation. I'll give her a few more sessions to actually help us. Today we left with a few issues we each need to work on but no help at all on how to do that. If that continues we'll have to find someone else.

The positive, she didn't push me towards returning to church and didn't tell me that I just need to pray, fast, pay tithing, etc. We let her know right off the bat that we aren't there to get me back to church but rather to just help us create a new foundation for our marriage.

She did refer several times to my "faulty thinking" that resulted in me leaving the church. And she questioned my wife several times on how her testimony is and if she thinks that I will pull her away with her.

All in all, not too churchy but I'm not sure how much help she'll actually be able to give us. If all she says is that we need to improve our communication skills but doesn't provide anything to help us do that we'll move on.

Just from the little you have said, I think you need to look for a new counselor soon. If she believes you have faulty thinking she has already determined that your wife is right and you are wrong. If she is more concerned about your influence on your wife in regards to the church than she is with helping you and you wife adjust to the dynamics in the relationship, I don't see much hope in her helping.

She may not even know it herself and would probably deny it, but come on?! Why was your thinking labeled as "faulty"? If it's because you didn't stay faithful to THE CHURCH then the game is already over.

My wife and I went to a counselor here in Utah County. When she learned that I no longer believed, the focus of the entire session was on that and that alone. We didn't go back.

I wish you luck and success,

Stunted.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/20/2011 02:09PM by Stunted.

idahodreaming Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Just from the little you have said, I think you
> need to look for a new counselor soon. If she
> believes you have faulty thinking she has already
> determined that your wife is right and you are
> wrong. If she is more concerned about your
> influence on your wife in regards to the church
> than she is with helping you and you wife adjust
> to the dynamics in the relationship, I don't see
> much hope in her helping.

+1

And, do you two have any kids?

I went to counseling at LDSFS with my DW once after I left. The counselor was actually on my side. Her thinking was, I am the same person, I just think differently now. She gave maybe 3 or 4 good reasons for divorce, but changing beliefs wasn't one of them. The discussion was more along the lines of finding compromise, and focusing on the other strengths in our relationship. Not all LDS counselors have a pre-conceived agenda. But it sounds like this one does.

You're going to need a better therapist than that.

To be fair, she had plenty of issues for my wife as well. She pointed out the character traits that we both needed to work on. The plan is to give her two more session before we have to take a break in July for some travel and then decide if we want to continue with her or move on. I'm definitely going to be on high alert for more church related comments and any more side taking.

Agreed with the idea of a neutral therapist - unless there is abuse (verbal or emotional) there should not be blame by the therapist. If there is abuse then therapy should start individually and not together because both partners need different types of help.

thinks he's being sided against. What may be happening is that the male may be talking more and asserting his views more than the female spouse and the therapist responds to him, maybe even challenging him on some of his assertions. Then the male thinks he's being ganged up on. So, I would address that with the counselor or wait and see if your hypothesis is correct.


That said, you and your spouse can do no better than to read this book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. It's an inexpensive paperback that will give you a great deal of information and ways to take action if you read it thoughtfully--and together.

Good Luck!

I think I would have had a big problem if a counselor had referred to my "faulty thinking" which led to my leaving the church. I had put a great deal of thought into my leaving and I did not take leaving lightly. I also had come to realize that it was faulty thinking that got me into the church in the first place. The thinking that led to my leaving was the remedy. I would have also been very concerned about the comments to your wife about her testimony. It would sound to me like she was more concerned with keeping your wife as a member in good standing rather than what you went to see her about - working on your marriage.

You are in charge, however (at least between you and I). I only wish you the best. I'll add my 2 cents and then shut up.

Thanks for all the feedback. I've had more time to reflect on things and I'm bothered a little more by the "faulty thinking" line than I was originally. We've got another appointment scheduled for two weeks from now so you can be sure that I'll be keeping a watch for more of those kinds of things.

Indeed, the "faulty thinking" line made me immediately think of the 'Star Trek' pilot episode: remember the big-head guys with the throbbing veins?
"Wrong thinking is punishable. Right thinking will be as quickly rewarded. You will find it an effective combination."

Very LDS.