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Posted by: shapeshifter ( )
Date: June 17, 2017 11:32AM

I haven't been on this board in a while because I found the e-book on this site called 'The Double Bind'

I've been spending time reading it every day that I would otherwise spend on this forum.

It's not long but man oh man it is powerful! It's taking me a long time to process everything, so it's a very slow read for me.

I found the recovery board first on and didn't realize how many other great resources there were here.

And this book really hits home for me and really explains all of the psychological hell I've dealt with and names things I could never name.

Naming the problem really is the first step to recovery. 'Knowing what you know, feeling what you feel' like the trauma recovery therapists say. So important!

Anyone else feel this way after reading this book? Any thoughts on how it's helped you?

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Posted by: desertman ( )
Date: June 18, 2017 10:26AM

IMHO this is a tome that should be studied by every person who wants to understand the machinations of theological cultery.

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Posted by: shapeshifter ( )
Date: June 19, 2017 02:14PM

totally agree! A must read!

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Posted by: Chicken N. Backpacks ( )
Date: June 18, 2017 10:43AM

I prefer theological cutlery.

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Posted by: story100 ( )
Date: June 18, 2017 11:16AM

Maybe I need to try it again . . .

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Posted by: Eric K ( )
Date: June 18, 2017 07:27PM

Thanks for the reminder. I need to convert it to pdf. It is a great resource.

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Posted by: Felix ( )
Date: June 18, 2017 10:22PM

"Naming the problem really is the first step to recovery. 'Knowing what you know, feeling what you feel' like the trauma recovery therapists say. So important!"

"To really understand something is to be liberated from it."

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Posted by: Breeze ( )
Date: June 19, 2017 02:10PM

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'm going there right now!

I haven't read it yet, but I would suppose that....

Having reliable people name the problem will help you feel like you're not the crazy one.

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Posted by: shapeshifter ( )
Date: June 19, 2017 02:17PM

Yes do! I find it a hard read but very worth it. hard because it sounds complex at first, I guess it is a kind of complex tangled web. But the author just did an incredible job of dissecting that web. I feel I will need to read and re-read to really let it sink in.

I also have found it hard because it's been emotionally challenging to read as it brings up a lot of stuff for me, remembering all the mind rape from TSCC.

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Posted by: thingsithink ( )
Date: June 19, 2017 05:17PM

How does mormonism apply the double bind?

Can anyone explain that succinctly?

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Posted by: shapeshifter ( )
Date: June 19, 2017 09:15PM

It's explained very succinctly in the book. You have to get to the sections with the Mormon story examples from people's actual experiences and then the explanation following those.

And right it's not the whole book, it's edited for this website, but there is a link in there somewhere for the whole book on Amazon.

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Posted by: cinda ( )
Date: June 19, 2017 05:40PM

Link, please?

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Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: June 19, 2017 07:31PM

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Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: June 19, 2017 06:50PM

one of the first things I read when coming here. It doesn't seem that the whole book is there. I found it very eye-opening.

It is very "complex," but if you've lived it, it makes "perfect sense."

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Posted by: donbagley ( )
Date: June 19, 2017 07:41PM

Damned if you do

The double bind is a clever kind of evil.

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Posted by: Babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: June 20, 2017 01:30AM

He hits the nail on the head in the introduction. Mormonism uses the double bind to subjugate and dehumanize. That's exactly the problem with it. Even if the hokey doctrine could be made true, it would still subjugate and dehumanize. That's why it produces so many Atheists. Once you escape the death camps, you don't want anything like it ever again.

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Posted by: Forestpal (can't log in) ( )
Date: June 21, 2017 12:33PM

I read it last night, after seeing Shapeshifter's post, and it is definitely a must-read!

The author came to many of the same conclusions I have made, after being cult-free for almost 10 years. The author explains it all! She uses different terminology, but her repetitions (for which she apologizes, but doesn't need to) eventually make things clear. So--read on! And find yourself!

"The Double Bind" described my Mormon ex-husband's manipulations very well. He had me and our children dancing around him, trying to please him, while he sat there like an implacable boulder. This book explains why the more we tried to please him, the more he resented us. The children got nothing but criticism and name-calling and rejection from him, yet they obeyed him, and were good kids. Mormon BIC, and Mormon raised, he was the center of the universe, and the most selfish person I have ever known. He was a classic Narcissist. He abandoned all of us, and went to live with a woman who had picked him up at a bar. The truth was that he had been cheating on me for our entire marriage.

This book answered the questions: Why did my husband end up hating me (us) so much? Why did his criticism of us escalate, as we became more successful? The more we grew, the nicer we were, the more he hated us. He hated us enough to completely abandon us, with no house, no money, no contact at all for 4 years. Why? Our children are wonderful! They didn't deserve this. It is not about the victims--the "Bound" ones--it is all about the "Binder" who has the manipulative power.

This book explains why, after being a formally-resigned ex-Mormon for 10 years, I still have trouble with my identity.

I'm going to get the whole book, and re-read it. I have been avoiding the painful issues, with the excuse that I have to concentrate on my family and career. Thinking about the awful Mormon abuse makes me sad--but, the author is right: naming the problem is important to recovery. It is painful to go back and realize how deeply harmed I was by abusive Mormons.

Seriously--I have still been feeling like a "nothing." I was going to use that as my moniker, when I came here on RFM. Nothing I could do ever pleased my "spoiled child" of an ex-husband. Nothing was ever good enough for my TBM parents, or my TBM in-laws. I was the only organist, and a certified teacher, and cub scout den mother for 12 years, but nothing satisfied the church. I was marginalized because I was a divorced single working mother. I had a great career--yet I was condemned for it. They wanted me to clean the toilets.

When my ex started breaking our "agreement", I offered to go to work, to earn money. Money seemed to please him. I already had a few good stocks I inherited from my grandfather, and other stocks from a Silicon Valley company I worked for, after graduating from BYU--and I made the down payment on our house--so I could pay my way, a little. He refused to let me work, so I volunteered in the schools, and was elected onto the Board of Education. I was happy. I always was fit and looked nice. I listened to him. I loved him, and was always faithful, though I had other offers. After he left, he called, and told me that sex with me was the best of his life, so that wasn't an issue. I was a good mother. The children were darling, and entertaining. I kept up the house and yard and the cars, and didn't bother him with chores. He had me plan and pay for our vacations, which always included golf, which he seemed to enjoy. I never tried to force him to go to church, when he didn't want to. Yet, his hatred of me and our children, grew into eventual physical violence. I always wondered "Why" and "How" this could happen.

"The Double Bind" examines this process in great detail! It dissects and analyzes the thought processes and the manipulations of a Narcissistic sociopath, like my ex-husband. The author doesn't use the words "Narcissist" or "sociopath" or "psychopath." I thought her language was very clear.

This also explains why I felt "rebellious" against Mormonism, when I started taking better care of myself. I had slacked off (a "nothing" doesn't need or deserve TLC), so I started walking in the forest every day, with my dog. I threw out all the old Mormon recipes that were full of sugar and lard. I ate healthy food, dropped 20 pounds, let my hair grow long, and stopped straightening it. Why did I think of these simple things as "anti-Mormon?"

The book explains exactly why.
The book addresses shunning, and made me feel much better about dealing with it.

The book also explains how we can recover our individuality, which, for me, is the next step.

It answered all those long-nagging questions for me! Thank you, Marion Stricker, and thank you, Shapeshifter for recommending this book. >^..^<

Sorry for the rant

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Posted by: Forestpal (can't log in) ( )
Date: June 21, 2017 01:06PM

A disclaimer: I din't mean that there's anything wrong with meeting someone at a bar.

It does seem hypocritical for a "good Mormon husband" to hang around bars. I didn't know he was picking up women in bars, and sleeping with them, until after he left. His brother told me. As for the drinking, he would make the children smell his breath, to be sure he had covered up the odor. The kids didn't know why he did this, but they didn't like doing it. My ex was passive-aggressive, and actually enjoyed sneaking around and lying to everyone.

I met him at BYU. Ugh.

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