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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 06:58PM

I've tried hobbies, beer, sausage slapping and still I can't relax. Any ideas? The Hyperactive Boner.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/16/2017 06:59PM by BYU Boner.

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 07:18PM

I have never been able to relax.

My psychology instructor told us that when slower-paced people are thrown into high-stress activities like planning a wedding, they commonly have heart attacks.

Conversely, if folks like us are forced to relax on the beach, they have heart attacks.

I'm a damned hyper workaholic and love every minute of it.

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Posted by: spiritist ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 07:25PM

I would suggest meditation.

I would also suggest getting out into the 'mountains, beach, nature'. Recently, friends took us up a canyon from SLC on a 'hot' day but it was 'great' up the canyon in the shade as early as 4 or 5.

Now it is 'warm'. The mountains are great in the 'mornings' or afternoon.

One last note. Don't ever say or think ---- I don't know how to relax. That actually makes that a 'temporary reality' for you. Not good!!!!

Try to say something more positive at least to yourself. I will get some 'great ideas' by posting that I don't know how to relax. I will then try out some of these ideas and I will find even more relaxation than I have in the past.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/16/2017 08:05PM by spiritist.

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 05:13PM

I've tried meditating, but I'm not very good at it, I can't seem to clear my mind. I probably need a mentor to help guide me through the process.

I tried yoga, but my thrusting warrior wouldn't thrust; and then there was the flactuence issue...

Thanks for your thoughts, Spiritualist!

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Posted by: spiritist ( )
Date: July 19, 2017 12:38AM

If you can't clear your mind then talk to it and carry on a conversation if you can.

Another suggestion is to go to utube and try 'guided meditations' they tell you what to 'think'.

Additionally, I recently took up art ----- portraits, etc. I started a week ago and of course it looks terrible. But I am trying to develop my 'creative' side ----- if I have one.

My art work takes my mind off everything else and results in 'relaxing'.

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Posted by: catnip ( )
Date: July 21, 2017 04:32AM

I've always been good at relaxing. I could hardly wait (for thirty long years) to retire, because I knew I had the knack for it. And I do. I read the current best-sellers, go back and read old favorites, spend time with DH (we are both more or less retired) and generally enjoy life.

It is beyond great when the pace of your life allows you to sleep when you are tired, wake up when your body feels like it, take a nap if you want to, and to hell with doing the laundry unless somebody is out of clean underwear.

Life is great when YOU set your own priorities.

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 07:39PM

Meditation. Yoga.

Taking a long walk around the neighborhood.

Volunteering at your local animal shelter.

Poppy seeds are calming. So is chamomile tea.

For sleep, a warm glass of milk with a teaspoon of honey will help you to relax.

Move to a lakeside retreat and go fly fishing.

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 05:14PM

Amyjo Wrote:
> Move to a lakeside retreat and go fly fishing.

I'm liking the sound of this!

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Posted by: Itzpapalotl ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 07:43PM

When and where do you feel the calmest? Do you have anxiety of any kind?

I have high functioning anxiety and it is difficult for me to relax, too. If I'm feeling particularly anxious, I go for a bike ride, a swim, or other exercise, or clean parts of the house and then I can relax a little. Sometimes baking or cooking something will help take the edge off as well.

Odd as it is, I agree with spiritist- Learning to meditate and getting out in nature is supremely relaxing.

Why do you think it is you cannot relax?

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 05:18PM

I worry about not relaxing--I know that sounds stupid! I'm most relaxed on a rainy day with a fire, good music, a puppy, and a book.

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Posted by: Babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 07:59PM

Try a purring cat on your lap.

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 08:42PM

I wonder if the ability to relax or not is a heritable trait.

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Posted by: anonuk ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 07:53AM

Experiment with new music choices - try some classical, orchestral, or gaelic or welsh choir. You may be pleasantly surprised with the effects, or not.

Worth a go, anyway.

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Posted by: Tevai ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 08:11AM

You might also try L-Theanine...a naturally occurring constituent of green tea. (Which means: freshly-brewed green tea is also a good choice, but the amount of L-Theanine in a cup of green tea would be much less than occurs in capsule form.)

L-Theanine (I keep 200 mg capsules on hand) is inexpensive, and can be found at your local Whole Foods store, your local GNC store, your local health food store(s), or other stores devoted largely to nutritional supplements (such as Vitamin World, etc.). Sprouts markets would probably also have them too.

When I used to have anxiety spasms, I would take three of the 200 mg. capsules, followed by nine big swallows of distilled water, and although the dissolved L-Theanine didn't work instantly, it DID help quite a bit within the next hour or so.

Meditation music to your taste (check You Tube for a huge selection of possibles), meditation itself, and yoga all work too. (Try bits of the You Tube meditation music possibles first, before you select any particular one, because for me, some of the "meditation music" selections made my anxiety worse!)

Practical tip: when you notice that you need to relax (in other words: SOMETHING has, or is, making you uncomfortable or is making you feel fearful or insecure), reflect back on what you have been doing in the past few hours, or what you have eaten (or drunk) in the past few hours, or anything that might be kicking off anxiety, like smells that might be associated in your mind with anxious situations in your past (for example: specific perfumes, or fragrances in soap, shampoos or other hair products, perhaps certain cleaning products, etc.). If a specific smell means "Watch out!" in YOUR personal history, then smelling that particular smell (even decades later) can kick off anxiety attacks. Once you identify your personal anxiety stressors, you will then be in a far better position to counteract their effects, or to eliminate the stressors entirely from your life.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2017 09:50AM by Tevai.

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 05:26PM

Thanks Tevai. I think I should try to make it a priority to just do nothing and feel okay about it. I'm going to try a ritual like herbal tea at a certain time in the evening, in a certain a chair. Very best wishes!

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 08:14AM

Is not relaxing causing you health issues? Are you exhausted? Or, are people yammering at you, "Why can't you just relax?"

Can you tell us more?

I honestly have no idea what relaxing feels like, so I'm no help. But, what has brought about this need for you?

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Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 09:12AM

You need to be around people who like you, accept you for what you are, and don't care if you're a wanker.

If nobody where you are will be that way (and I already know it's hard for you there!), then go be alone for a while. Or come down here and visit me. We'll sit on the porch and watch the SoCal sunset, go sit on the beach, maybe play a round of golf or three, drink some beer, and there won't be any judgment. You can just be the Boner.

I'm entirely serious, pal. :)

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 05:31PM

Thank the limitless universe, hydrogen, gravity, and billions of years of evolution that I've got a fellow wanker, like you, as a friend! I'm looking forward to that first beer!

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 09:37AM

You just may be a Type A personality with an overactive mind.

As a child you were likely inclined to be bored in school due to a lack of challenge and stimulation.

You may be finding yourself in a similar rut now that you're aging and in a very predictable and routine pattern of daily living.

Maybe it's time to re-invent yourself.

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Posted by: valkyriequeen ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 09:43AM

I always dealt with stress by watching comedies, whether it was a movie or a TV series. I have all of the I Love Lucy series, as well as *M*A*S*H*. Comedies aren't for everybody, but they sure help me to laugh and to relax.

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 09:49AM

My father's physician told him in his post-retirement years that watching cartoons was indicative of having a sense of humor, and healthy too. That's something to be cultivated at any age.

Dad loved Tom and Jerry, Road Runner, Bugs Bunny hour and some of the other cartoons we grew up with as kids when he was home more to enjoy them.

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Posted by: bradley ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 11:11AM

Why relax? You'll be doing plenty of that when you're dead. Literally.

Lately I've noticed that I'm too relaxed. I'm holding back, and I shouldn't be. I should be Rocky Balboa softening a side of beef. I don't think Mormonism caused that. Life is meant to be lived. It's why we are alive. Maybe they tried to be your puppet master, so you let them, but now you are a real boy Pinocchio. Full of energy. Now go get into trouble.

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 05:31PM

Fuck yeah, dude!

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 11:13AM

I'm very bored right now and need to restart my life.

Waiting to take retirement is like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I've been ready to leave New York as of five years ago!

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: July 19, 2017 11:51AM

>>Waiting to take retirement is like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I hear you on that. I'm about 6-7 years out at this point, and I am *so* ready. My work has lost its allure for me. I just need to figure out what's next. Oh well, I have more than enough time to get that sorted out.

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Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 01:46PM

the first year after my ex left. Now I can't relax either. I always have so much that I feel NEEDS to be done. I feel I've become obsessive-compulsive. I find myself working to exhaustion and then I have to stop. At least my work is sitting at a computer, but I always push myself with my work to the point of exhaustion.

I was going to say what I believe Amyjo said--take a walk. Walks always calm me down. When I'm on a walk, it gets me away from all my tasks.

I had shingles for a year and it took all my energy. I HAD TO TAKE naps or I couldn't make it through the day. I've never gotten my strength back and I do try to take a nap every day. I have to have the TV on to go to sleep though--day and night.

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Posted by: moremany ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 03:54PM

You've tried slapping but have you also tried playing drown-the-eel, or signed up for fun sessions of massage, petting, or tickling?

Meditation / yoga / Chi Gong / exercise / walking-hiking / arts/exploration... For Twenty?

Swimming naked?

It's in the mind... and body. Practice skin and bone. G'luck.


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Posted by: Chicken N. Backpacks ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 04:01PM

Please Honest TBM, pleeeeeze, give The Boner insights!

(church approved, of course)

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Posted by: Finally Free! ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 04:04PM

Throwing out a different idea... What about taking up knitting?

I have a difficulty trying to just relax. I feel like I should be "doing" something and have a hard time unwinding my mind.

I took up knitting (yes, guys can and do knit). It's not hard to learn and can be very relaxing and there are similar health benefits to meditation. Plus, you end up with scarves, hats, and other things that you can use or give away (I don't sell my stuff, I wouldn't get a price to cover the time and effort to knit up most things anyway).

Most local yarn stores will have a beginners knitting class and I've never been to a knitting group that hasn't been open and welcoming to anyone who wanted to join, so it can be a great way to meet people to.

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 05:33PM

I've tried needlepoint and rug hooking. I may try the rugs again, thanks!

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Posted by: Finally Free! ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 05:46PM

Sounds like fun! Good luck!

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Posted by: robinsaintcloud ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 05:42PM

assembling Legos kits is very relaxing

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Posted by: Lethbridge Reprobate ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 05:43PM

If I had yer energy, Boner....losin' that 100 lbs I need to would be a snap!

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 07:44PM

Nudity helps me relax, feel at one with the universe...

I like both air & water around my skin, so Yes, skinny-dipping is always a treat!

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Posted by: moremany ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 11:55PM

Me too. Bath-now. Then back to air-bath/ sleep.

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Posted by: Kendal Mint Cake ( )
Date: July 19, 2017 03:46AM

Could you have an over active thyroid?

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Posted by: Itzpapalotl ( )
Date: July 19, 2017 10:04AM

Have you tried pottery, as in throwing clay on a wheel? Like maybe checking at your local college or rec center to see if there's anything available?

The art of throwing clay is very therapeutic and meditative in a ritualistic, almost Zen-like, manner. It requires steps to ready the clay and the centering, coning, pulling, and shaping are soothing when you get the hang of it. You have to become part of the clay and the wheel in order to throw properly, one hand must always know what the other hand is doing at all times. You use your entire body to mold the clay into a piece worth using and admiring.

Just a thought! Plus you end up with lots of mugs and other useful items that you made with your own two hands. ;)

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: July 19, 2017 10:28AM

Relaxing is over rated. I don't like it. I do like distraction however.

I like that when I'm busy cleaning that somehow my mind gets cleaned and organized as well.

I like that as I work in the garden, stuff gets pulled out the drawers of my mind, dusted off, and put back in a more orderly fashion.

I like to read, especially magazines with photos and art as this diverts my mind from whatever is stuck on the hamster wheel in the cerebellum. But I want something fascinating and stimulating, not something mind numbing. Almost everything I see or read gets stored and used later.

This makes me feel better. I can't stand to meditate. My mind is at its best when my hands are busy. My best thinking is not when thinking is the focus, but when thinking has a purpose.

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Posted by: Itzpapalotl ( )
Date: July 19, 2017 10:39AM


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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: July 19, 2017 11:48AM

I agree with you. There is something about creating order out of disorder that is mentally therapeutic.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: July 19, 2017 11:45AM

Some people like to stay busy. My brother is that way. Before he retired, he was worried about how to fill up his time. But now he spends his days woodworking (his furniture is much in demand by friends and family,) gardening, golfing, sailing, etc. He relaxes by web-surfing, reading, watching the Golf channel, and Netflix and Amazon at night. He also gets a massage about once a month. I think you just have to find a mix of activities that works for you!

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: July 19, 2017 12:24PM

Pottery is another good one. Men can be very good at it, esp stuff thrown on a wheel--it takes physical strength and balance.

There's a primal feeling to it--with your hands in both clay and water. If there's anything that can make you relax and feed a need for creativity (if you have that) pottery may help.

That's the only thing that works for me.

Also, buy the book "The Gifted Adult: A Revolutionary Guide for Liberating Everyday Genius" by Mary Elaine Jacobsen. I suspect you will see yourself in that book.

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Posted by: my darlin ( )
Date: July 21, 2017 08:50AM

Mental images:

The movie "Ghost"





Back to square one.

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Posted by: Itzpapalotl ( )
Date: July 22, 2017 05:02PM

Yeah, it usually ends up more like Naked Gun 2 1/2.

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Posted by: MexMom ( )
Date: July 21, 2017 05:46AM

Thanks to everyone for your great ideas and comments. I benefited from each and every one!

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Posted by: Breeze ( )
Date: July 21, 2017 05:20PM

"Relaxation" is different, for different personalities. I'm one of the people who are stimulated by tranquilizers--much the same way that hyperactive kids are sometimes calmed by stimulants.

A good example of this is music. The next time you want to relax, try listening to calming, slow, relaxing music. If you are like me, it will drive you up the wall! When I'm anxious, I begin with upbeat, faster music, and then gradually slow it down and turn down the volume a bit. To cheer myself out of a funk, I start with sadder music, first, and gradually amp it up from there.

Similarly, you might become "relaxed" through physical exercise. I think exercise is the universal cure-all, because it relaxes those who are hyper, and stimulates those who are depressed. Work actually relaxes me, as I go into "flow."

To repeat what kathleen wrote:
"My psychology instructor told us that when slower-paced people are thrown into high-stress activities like planning a wedding, they commonly have heart attacks.
Conversely, if folks like us are forced to relax on the beach, they have heart attacks."

The best advice I can give is along the lines of Spiritist's post. Do not beat yourself up! Be kind to yourself. The "Mormon" inside your head is probably shouting, "You WILL relax, and you will do it PERFECTLY!" Like George's father in Seinfeld went around yelling "SERENETY N O W!!!!"

I love spending most of my summers at a cabin, with children playing, cooking meals, walking, bicycling, water skiing, and wearing myself out, and sleeping the sleep of someone who's exhausted. I would return from that, feeling refreshed. Last year, I finally gave in, and joined some of my single friends on a cruise. I was so bored and antsy and claustrophobic, that I wanted to throw myself overboard. Likewise, in Hawaii, I didn't just lie on the beach, but spent the time surfing, and bicycling between the best beaches.

There is no "one-size-fits-all" for relaxation. This thread has been very informative! Thanks for it!

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Posted by: SusieQ#1 ( )
Date: July 22, 2017 05:17PM

I think it has to do with how we are "wired"! I can recall my family trying to get me to slow down and relax as a child. I was the extrovert among a bunch of introverts! Must be something wrong! Right?

Actually, what my grandmother taught me at a young age has been very helpful. She would talk me through putting my body to sleep starting with my toes, up my legs, knees, thighs, talking me through each body part. I know now it was a a kind of meditation but I don't think she even knew that. I'd listen to her tell me that each body part was asleep, little by little. That and some deep controlled breathing has always been very helpful as it used my thoughts to control my body.

Now that I am in a very different phase of my life, I find myself very relaxed and no longer in a hurry. Physical/medical conditions has forced me to accept a much slower pace which I've adjusted to.

Controlling racing thoughts is difficult. But it can be done.
Mental imagine works best for me. Visualizations. Walking on the beach, feeling the warm sand, hearing the ocean, etc. is one that works every time!

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/22/2017 05:18PM by SusieQ#1.

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Posted by: Paintingnotloggedin ( )
Date: July 22, 2017 11:34PM

husband says: "I use isometrics ten or fifteen minutes at a time to use up excess energy. Deep breathing at home or on the drive. walk, get outside during your break and walk, that's very relaxing. read something that's way away from your every day life. take a bath, incredibly relaxing. pet a cat. cook. cook something, wash your dishes, get your hands wet. Do a repetitive task. do a creative endeavor, for me its woodworking. you can watch a movie that's relaxing unless its an action-action-action, if its an action-action-action that gets your heart rate up. well if I was outside near a stream or river, I'd listen to the water, the tinkle of the water, the rush of the rapids. If I was out in nature I'd listen to the wind come rushing up the hillside. Listen to beautiful music. Listen to your love breath that's very relaxing to me. getting a scalp massage or back massage or a foot rub are incredibly relaxing. Listening to the dessert wind blow, the chittering of tiny sand grains against the window (the camping rig) on a beautiful cool night. Those are all things I do, not sure if I can always hear the sand, but sometimes I can."

for me, right now, I Draw, do a lot of drawing, sketch. Take digital photos, sketch some pictures. knit. Crochet. Braid, cut, pull back, put up, straighten my hair. music old stereo kitchen or carry my blue tooth cheapy single Bose portable speaker to play in husband's 12 year old pick up truck. moonlight rides drives through cattle ranch country in foothills curved roads winter, spring, summer fall. nails filing, manicure painting my nails. painting entire walls. designing, automatically applying memorized patterns or shapes to fabric & leather sewing messenger bags, totes, purses, purse liners, measure arrange rows of elastic sew in pencil graphite holder onto canvas or leather bag liners.

know where things are, in at least one part of my life, on a cupboard or drawers or shelf & always be able to put tools or implements or dishes back again & not wonder where they go, & know where to reach- even without my glasses on, or when the lights are dim. So I can cook and clean in a relaxed way. Dishes in round low edged bowls, glass and porcelain in one side, metal the other, knives on a counter never in the sink so its relaxing and safe, nothing breaks. A handled wide shallow wash pan ( like my grandma floated tomatoes in before she canned) to sort, put aside, pick back up, carry safely- very very relaxing. Hand tools that fit my smaller hands instead of trying to use my husbands, round nose plyers and needle nose plyers to reach and hold metal rings while setting handles and straps on purses or pulls onto zippers, or making key chains so I'm no longer splitting my nails I'm using tools that fit comfortably instead.

& I like to write, badly unstructured partial rhythms with end rhymes. in narrative paragraphs write on topics, rather than lds journal. Choosing to relax, find a topic that calls the heart of mind, Write to describe or to appreciate or to plan personally which is far more relaxing than emotionally intense cathartic works.

Finding a series of routine relaxing 'being' 'participating' non negotiated pre planned flow flowing routine* (*tasks hobbies projects meals to sit at meals to serve cup to sip, shared planned togetherness with someone) seems to hold safety.

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