After several years of internal debate, I decided to leave the church. It's been about three years, and in that time I've dated a number of women who have had absolutely no affiliation with the LDS church. For various reasons, I've found it difficult to establish a significant level of commonality with them. The last one actually recommended I try to find someone who, like me, was once a faithful member but has since apostatized (I say that with a positive connotation).

This wasn't the first time the idea had occurred to me, but I have yet to find anyone who fits that profile. For better or worse, I moved away from Utah shortly after decidedly leaving the church. Ironically, I think the greatest number of apostate mormons is probably in SLC.

What are your thoughts on the role of faith (or lack thereof) in relationships for recovering Mormons?

Do you know of any dating sites or social events intentioned for recovering mormons in southern california?

That the perfect guy for me would be an apostate mormon, who could get my background, but who would not force me into any churchy stuff. I was wrong. Anybody you're going to be with is going to have many differences with. Who you might look for is someone who can listen to what you have to say seriously and with compassion and be open to learning about your background as you would hers.

Well said, thank you.

So true.

tsaint Wrote:
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> For various reasons, I've found it difficult to establish a significant level of commonality with them.

Why is that? What specific areas have caused discord?

I think the main issue has been that while I most closely align myself with atheism, having spent years studying and discussing religious philosophy makes that topic still one of the most interesting for me. I love to explore religious history and see its connections to modern society. It's also interesting to understand how religion and secular culture have influenced one another throughout history and how that affects not only society, but the individual's personality, morals, and sense of self.
It's been hard to find someone who enjoys talking about things like that as much as I do. But maybe it's more of a personality issue than a religious issue.
I'd still be interested in sites or events for single ex-mormons.

Someone here started a dating site for exmos, but it seems like they couldn't post the URL. I googled it and found a couple. Good luck!

There was a group a few years ago that met every so often. I think it was called the "Young Apostates" or something and it was a subgroup of Post-Mormon or perhaps even CALM. I participated in this group years ago, before I joined the Peace Corps, and we had a good time. There were plenty of cool women in the group.

I think you might find more information on this group at postmormon.org.

Now that I'm almost past my 20's, I'm not sure if I am still eligible to be a part of it. I'd be like that one creepy single guy at the ward dances :)

oh great, i'm almost past my 20's too.

I think the best way to meet people with the same interest is through the internet. Taking a college class or attending a conference are also a possibilities.

I met a very dear friend through a special interest group on the internet. I knew that she didn't live too far from me, so I sent her a PM suggesting that we go together to an event that was of interest to both of us. We now see each other quite often and still converse and attend events in our area of interest (along with many other things.)

I want to be your dear friend too...

But I think I'm most likely out of your age range. ;-)

Well, as you know, hope springs eternal... :)

I tried dating a few ex-mo's too, and unfortunetly all it did was serve as a reminder of a past I was trying to move beyond.

Get yourself a partner that has no religious upbringing or ingrained god-concept if you want to be atheist. It's been working for me.

Since getting a divorce and leaving the church I have dated a lot of women. I've had the most successful relationships with nonMormons, and some of the worst relationships with exMormons.

Ex missionary girls have been the absolute worst. I always assumed that if I met someone like that we would understand each other, but it just hasn't been the case.

I don't know why this is, but even when I was Mormon, I never fit in at church. For my entire life, the majority of my friends have been nonMormon, with very few being Mormon or exMormon.

Anyways, I would get out there and date as many women as you can. That is the only realistic way, in my opinion, to figure out what you want.

That seems like excellent advice. Thank you.

snb Wrote:
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> Since getting a divorce and leaving the church I
> have dated a lot of women. I've had the most
> successful relationships with nonMormons, and some
> of the worst relationships with exMormons.
>
> Ex missionary girls have been the absolute worst.
> I always assumed that if I met someone like that
> we would understand each other, but it just hasn't
> been the case.
>
> I don't know why this is, but even when I was
> Mormon, I never fit in at church. For my entire
> life, the majority of my friends have been
> nonMormon, with very few being Mormon or
> exMormon.
>
> Anyways, I would get out there and date as many
> women as you can. That is the only realistic way,
> in my opinion, to figure out what you want.


Well as an Rm myself, let me assure you we are not all nuts. I guess it is true what Mormons have said about me

* I NEVER had a testimony about the church * Because I thought we were here about Jesus, not about buildings and geriatric men.

Arrrgh!

haha, no, it's about buildings and old men. Jesus is just an excuse to support them.

Obviously we were believers at one point. Thankfully though, things change.

It just never has worked out for me. I think it might have been a difference in worldview and religion in general that messed it up, but really, I can't fathom why I don't play well with exMormons in general.

snb Wrote:
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> Obviously we were believers at one point.
> Thankfully though, things change.
>
> It just never has worked out for me. I think it
> might have been a difference in worldview and
> religion in general that messed it up, but really,
> I can't fathom why I don't play well with
> exMormons in general.

I believed in a restoration. I believed these folks knew Christ and I believed I was going to be part of an ACTS church.

Not sure why you are offended. In a way this is what i mean by having conversations, someone always gets hurt. But I never understand why!

Because we are just discussing our personal viewpoint, some agree with us some don't, no big deal!

"Not sure why you are offended."

I'm almost always the offender and never the offended.

I remember in one specific instance it was a discussion about how the girl and I both dealt with religion after Mormonism that destroyed the relationship. We couldn't see eye to eye. I was ok with it, she wasn't.

Oh well in that case lets get together :D

tehehehehehe.

That has always been my problem no one really wants to talk, they love the superficial stuff.

I am just kidding about getting together. I do get what you mean tho.

"I am just kidding about getting together."

That's a shame.

True.

hahaha, nice. Exactly, this last one literally told me she prefers to talk about "more superficial things". Ridiculous.

tsaint Wrote:
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> hahaha, nice. Exactly, this last one literally
> told me she prefers to talk about "more
> superficial things". Ridiculous.


tsaint Wrote:
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> True.

At least she was honest about her vacuity right?

Ha ha ha ha we need a dating service for sure.

Dude you live in Cali, I am in Oregon besides are old are you?

Not that it matters but if you are like 18 that would be a no no!

Do you like sushi? See my specifications are simple. And oh nothing short of 8 inches [ha ha ha ha my mormons friends always shuddered when I say things like that] you know I am just kidding!

Getting together would be great.

I just don't understand how they live. When I am around them I just want to cry and you always have to agree with them,

A discussion is defined as such because you get to talk about varying viewpoints and the best part is we can still be friends and not agree.

no not with those ones. Express a contrary thought and oh boy let the shunning begin.

I don't know that I would go back to to UT...they'd never leave me alone considering the circles I ran around with!

I so feel you.

You guys are already cute together.

snb Wrote:
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> You guys are already cute together.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

We may talk ourselves insane trying to figure out how the hell we got here brainwashed.

I am still embarrassed...

True. I definitely value the honesty, but I was disturbed by it as well. Oregon, huh? I'm pretty familiar with the Portland area, I love it up there.
Oh to be 18 again.... No, add ten years to that.
Sushi can be amazing. 8 inches.... In the interest of not getting censored, I'll refrain from commenting. lol.

tsaint Wrote:
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> True. I definitely value the honesty, but I was
> disturbed by it as well. Oregon, huh? I'm pretty
> familiar with the Portland area, I love it up
> there.
> Oh to be 18 again.... No, add ten years to that.
> Sushi can be amazing. 8 inches.... In the interest
> of not getting censored, I'll refrain from
> commenting. lol.

Ha ha ha ha P-town is aiiight!
Look you know that mormon girls MUST be vacuous, otherwise the priesthood is threatened. I always knew I wasn't going to be joined with a priesthood holder arrrgh!

You know I am kidding about the 8 inches...

We could be the first Rfm couple ha ha ha ha

I have 5 years on you tho...but you wouldn't know it, people still think i am in high school ha ha ha!

I like sushi, so i make sure I get that out of the way because I love it!

We should talk. Don't worry I doubt we are going to get together, but you never know I may just have the friend for you :)!

"You know I am kidding about the 8 inches..."

Your standards are too low.

Why not shoot for the moon?

snb Wrote:
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> "You know I am kidding about the 8 inches..."
>
> Your standards are too low.
>
> Why not shoot for the moon?

Like I said...it was a joke. Just that. Not a door to personal attacks on standards.

I rest my case about discussions.

In no way did I mean to attack you. I'm very sorry if you feel like I was coming after you.

Perhaps it is that I am a bit too abrasive for exmo girls?

Again, I hope you accept my apologies.

snb Wrote:
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> In no way did I mean to attack you. I'm very
> sorry if you feel like I was coming after you.
>
> Perhaps it is that I am a bit too abrasive for
> exmo girls?
>
> Again, I hope you accept my apologies.

No worries. Abrasive...if you are abrasive I am the president.

I just was a little confused about the stds thing cause I didn't think it was a big deal. I mean we haven't even got there and I doubt that is something I am ready for.

So you are a guy...well most folks don't know how to be honest that's all if you tell the truth you must not like them.

No carry on...here's to 8 and above [and i am not kidding].

"I mean we haven't even got there and I doubt that is something I am ready for."

Use a condom. Get tested. Etc.

I'm glad you weren't offended :)

haha! classic.

tsaint Wrote:
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> haha! classic.

Really...anyway this thread was hilarious! Just too funny!

oh my did you get my email somadivebeenliedto at gmail.com

What an amateur...

tsaint, GET ON THIS!

See...this is why I am around. I gotta help these poor fools who don't know how to follow a lead once they get one.

snb Wrote:
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> "I mean we haven't even got there and I doubt that
> is something I am ready for."
>
> Use a condom. Get tested. Etc.
>
> I'm glad you weren't offended :)


What????

You are an idiot for sure or what was it that the venerable By said a menace to society!

ha ha ha ha!

this thread is going to hell in a handbasket!

Oh...it could get a lot worse.

The badness of this thread is probably proportionate to how drunk I get during the evening. It could be a fun time, stick around :)

Ha ha ha!

So where are you located? Why are ex-mo priesthood holders better to talk to?

Oh wait you are now not repressed...those priesthood holders drove me nuts!

With their women were born to be nurturers blah blah blah!

You know how many of those have told me they don't want to be with a woman who is more intelligent than they are [begging the question how do you even know you are intelligent].

Goodness how did you guys stand it?

Arrrrgh!

Food is surprisingly important. I dated a girl for six months who hated thai food. SIX MONTHS WITHOUT THAI FOOD! It was terrible.
Yeah, I like high school girls... I mean... I like older women... I mean... yeah, let's talk :)

tsaint Wrote:
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> Food is surprisingly important. I dated a girl for
> six months who hated thai food. SIX MONTHS WITHOUT
> THAI FOOD! It was terrible.
> Yeah, I like high school girls... I mean... I like
> older women... I mean... yeah, let's talk :)


You are silly.

There is no way I am going to be with someone who does not eat Thai food!

I subsist on coconut so no...you see these things are important to discuss and stop pretending cause you just want to be with someone.

yumm thai...indian. I just like food and the whackier the better. I like to try stuff.

have been to Marrakesh in the Pearl..yummmmmm!

email me at somadivebeenliedto at gmail.com

I know what you're feeling. When I left the church and then left Utah,ironically, I continued having relationships with apostate Utahns. I didn't intend it, but there was definitely a strong subconscious pull.

SLC is definitely the best place to meet apostates--anywhere where drinks are part of the scene. I consider the commonality you are talking about to be a great luxury. Knowing you will be understood on the deepest level is of inestimable worth. This connection really could come from a nevermo though.

I ended up with someone who is nevermo and never anything and my complete opposite and it has been incredible. I do miss having someone who understands what it is like to leave a cult with all the residual undercurrents that trail you through life even if you're over it and happy. I call this envy of the Bensons. On the flip side, a really wicked sense of humor can trump anything else.

I hope you find a nice exmo girl. However, I read a recent study wherein Americans were polled regarding their knowledge of their own religion and others. The interesting thing is that the atheists scored the highest on religious knowledge. I think you could find a connection as well with an atheist who is particularly interested in religion and cults. Good luck finding that dating website.

Good point. Thanks.

I was talking about you and your wife leaving together, not the extended family, or did I get something wrong.

I met my guy on Plentyoffish.com I have noticed quite a few Ex Mos on there good luck.

Oh nice. I'm actually on there already. Maybe I should adjust my profile a little though.