hi im 16 and im being raised in a mormon family, community, and state (utah). ive never felt that the mormon church was true but i have tried to "gain a testimony." very earnestly and sincerely tried because i truly do want to know. as ive gotten older ive learned more and more about the church that just doesnt sit right with me (NOT from exmormon websites, mostly right in church and seminary.) for example, i learned last sunday from my YW leader that women MUST "submit" to their husbands and that married women need letters of consent from their husbands to go to the temple alone. theres also a ton of others things but im sure most of u know what im talking about. when i found this website i was so relived that im not the only one to think and feel this way. i feel so scared to leave my church because my mom is very very religious (she places church above EVERYTHING) im pretty sure she would disown me if i did leave.this tears me apart because i love my family but really feel the church isnt for me. i just need someone whose gone through this to help out. thx!

That's a new one on me...and it's not a fact.

You wrote "ive never felt that the mormon church was true"...my advice, start using your critical thinking skills about things in general.

So you are a brave 16 yr old....or.....BYU is out again

Chill

Leave when you are on your two feet. 16 is tough unless you know someone who is willing to take you in. I know it is sad when the Church becomes number 1 and not your children let alone God

Read your bible. I was at young women too last week, they didn't say that about consent...must be UT strangeness.

Its funny as I looked at the girls being taught all that crap I really felt sad for them.

You don't nee to submit to anyone, but because you are 16 you have to listen to your parents

Gosh I will say a prayer for you cause it can be hard.

Chin up kiddo it will all work out

Come here often and just vent!

Even the parts about how jesus loves slavery, genocide, rape, torture, infanticide, tribalism, scapegoating, murder, and totalitarianism?

Do yourself a favor: don't read the bible. Don't read any scripture. Bronze-age fairy tales and superstitions can't help you. The earth is round, it orbits the sun, and illness is not caused by sin.

"read your bible?" give me a break. Let the fishing begin...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/25/2011 02:26AM by kolobian.

1+

+1

Try "Demon Haunted World" by Carl Sagan instead.. much better for you. Good luck hun, I wish you the best.

+1

well thats sure what my YW leader told all the laurels... and what do you mean about things in general? i do think about God and religion in general, if thats what u mean. i believe in a higher power(my creator, God, etc) but im pretty sure religion isnt for me. i feel like its based on opinions too much

16 is an interesting age...and you're old enough to question things. The Information Age puts a wealth of good and bad info at your fingertips. Critical thinking skills will help you wade through it and decide what is fact and what is fiction. I personally don't like the word "truth" since it is an emotionally packed word..esp for Mormons. I prefer fact, fiction, and opinion.

I agree with aliveinchrist that trying to do anything too radical at 16 while you are home would be extremely stress filled and you'd probably regret it. I'm not saying you have to be a perfect saint (pun intended)...I'm just saying take the easier path and get along at home while you figure things out. There are lots of things in most religions that are worthy of practicing. Being nice to folks, helping the less fortunate, etc...that's all good stuff.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/24/2011 11:21PM by jw the inquizzinator.

but how do i get through two more years of seminary, girls camp, church, mutual, etc when i feel its all wrong? just suck it up i guess... thats what ive been doing for only a few months and i feel like im going crazy pretending it all.

I don't know all your family details but I'm guessing from what you're saying that you have a pretty "true blue" Mormon family that follows all the "rules".

Choice One: Fake it and decide to do something different once you are out of the house. I don't mean you have to bear a fake testimony or act like a Mormon zealot. You just have to get by.

Choice Two: Start voicing your issues with your folks. This choice would require you to really have your facts together to make cogent arguments. The 'forces' will gather to confront you...you know, family, YW presidency, Bishopric, your lds friends...they will all muster to 'help' you see the light. Most likely your Mom will go thru fits ranging from 'love bombing' to 'serious talks' to 'angry mom'--not knowing her, I'm guessing at this. It will cause stress and confrontations that can spill over to siblings (if you have any). In the end you'll prob go back to Choice One just to try to get things back to quazi-normal and to get the 'heat' off.

Like I said, your choices are not great...that's the bad news.

Good news is you are young and almost out on your own.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/25/2011 12:18AM by jw the inquizzinator.

JessicaLily Wrote:
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> i learned last sunday from my YW leader that women MUST "submit" to their husbands and that married women need letters of consent from their husbands to go to the temple alone.

Welcome, JessicaLily! Feminist issues drove me out of my own church in my early teens. Somehow I just never got the hang of being a second-class citizen. ;-)

At age sixteen, you need to be preparing for your future. Plan for a career that will pay you well, and that way, even if you never use it, you will have the option to do so (if your eventual marriage goes south, you will have the ability to walk away from it. Or if your husband loses his job, you will be able to keep money coming into your household.) With that in mind, get good grades in school and save money for college, trade school, and/or your eventual emancipation.

While still at home, often the best advice is to not rock the boat. Underage kids have been kicked out of their Mormon homes for doing so. So do what you are expected to do, and remember that no one can own your mind.

You might want to drop the occasional faith disrupting fact in your mom's ear, however. Just share it as something that puzzles you or doesn't quite add up for you. That way you will start to get her used to the notion that you are not a 100% Molly Mo.

to summer:
i agree about getting a good job. i do my best because i want to go to college and not rely on anyone else. unlike my sister, who i used to look up to, she dropped out of college soph year to "get ready for a mission" and moved back home to gain weight and play video games. three years later she finally was called but now is considering staying to marry an RM she went on 5 dates with...

okay don't follow that path!

Oh dear!

It is wonderful that you figured this out when you are 16. You are using your head and making your own decisions when you review the facts.

The not wonderful part is that you pretty much have no choice but to fake it until you move out of the house. Find ways to be subversive without rocking the boat. Zone out during meetings and write poetry in your head (maybe about how your feel trapped as you sit there). Do the least to keep your mother off your back. Vent your frustrations here and keep a password locked journal to express your feelings.

I like summer's idea to drop some hard questions on mom. Or to mention the "confusing" things you have read...on the church site. Like all of Joe's wives. And how young some were. And some were still married to other men.

BUT..if you rock the boat too much your parents might come down hard on you.

Read about other religions if you want to find out what the rest of the world believes. Read what the Dalai Lama has to say. Quan Yin is one of my favorite Chinese goddesses. You can pick and chose what appeals to you. I like woman-centric religions. Read the Mists of Avalon which is about King Arthur and deals with goddess worship. It was also made into a good movie.

Two years of faking it sounds like hell, but it is better than constant tension with your parents. They might be able to tell you where to go and how you must spend your time, but they can't own your mind, you are free.

Your sister sounds like a sell out. What a mess. Instead of taking control of her life, she is just drifting until her RM shows up and then her life will just be....perfect. Perfectly miserable once the first baby shows up. Makes me shudder.

But...you go girl! You know what you want. You just have to lay low for two years as an undercover exmo.

Thanks so much!! all of these answers help so much you have no idea!!! im just worried about dealing with my family after i move out. do i have to tell them im an exmormon? probably, but i hate it because i know all the stuff thatll come after it.

about the "happy until the 1st baby" its so true! theres a lady in my ward whose husband was the ultimate "dream guy" in highschool (which in utah means "future bishop" potential)now he's saddled her with the ultimate mormon wife role: stay at home mom of a 1year old and another on the way already. hes obbsessed with the church and hes actually fat and disrespectful to her(she IS 2nd class after all, right?)

i dont want that!!! buts its sad because that is what every molly mormon wants here

Once you are an adult and living on your own (i.e. not being supported by them in any way, financially or living at their house), no - you tell them what you want to tell them about your life.

Ideally, it's great to be in a spot where you can be honest with your parents. But sometimes that doesn't work out - in Mormon families or never-Mos.

I know that it seems like forever until you're an adult - but really, it will go faster than you think. You'll be okay. Lay low. Study and get your reasons for leaving the faith secure and strong so if you are confronted, you can respond without hesitation.

In the meantime, make sure you put a lot of effort into your schoolwork - get good grades. Get a part time job if you can. Start thinking about what you'd like to do with your life after high school. Make a plan.

The better prepared you are, the better you'll be once you leave home. :)

For now just hold things together at home. In a yr. and a half if you are 16 1/2 things will change.You will be 18. then your life begins in ways that YOU can direct without parental influence. You can keep sane by coming here until then.

But do start making a plan. Can you work out of the home. Can you save some money. Can you go to school outside of Utah if you want to go to college and if you save up? I would surely do that if you can.

Mom got to do what she wanted to do when she was your age. So now you will too. Don't let her put you on any guilt trip. From time to time I would share a little tidbit that you now know -about the fraud of Mormonism. Then when you are 18 it will not be a total shock that you are leaving. You sent her some signs for yrs. Always be calm and sincere in your sharing of information. Say thingslike "I find it interesting that JS did such and such...it says so right there in the church approved ____". All the best to you.

We are noticing younger people coming to this board and this is a very good sign. You guys are the smartest generation of Mormons. You will have a very good life ahead of you.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/25/2011 01:11AM by honestone.

"but how do i get through two more years of seminary, girls camp, church, mutual, etc when i feel its all wrong? just suck it up i guess... thats what ive been doing for only a few months and i feel like im going crazy pretending it all."

Unfortunately, for your survival, you're going to have to fake it to make it, JessicaLily. Quoth The Raven gave you some sound advice about how to survive two years of lying about your beliefs. Having just left a situation similar to your own, here's a few things to help get you through. Granted, I don't live in Utah so things may be more difficult for you.

Don't think about the fact that you're deceiving your family and peers. I know it's tough, but put it out of your mind completely. Think of something else that interests you, say a project you're working on or a hobby. Music, video games, movies, books, studying, homework, whatever you can do to take your focus off of your situation. There are times when you need to focus on your situation such as at church, seminary, mutual nights and family home evening. Other times try your best not to focus on your situation, that will help get you through the next two years.

Remember you aren't a bad person for lying about your beliefs. Your environment forces you to lie, you must lie to survive. Mormonism is a cult and in order for you to exit safely you must to play along to get along.

Do NOT rock the boat. My parents threatened me with one of those reformation camps in Utah when I told them of my unbelief. You do not want to get sent to one of those. I don't know if your parents would do such a thing, but it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. Sadly, you're going to have to conform. I know that's an extremely difficult thing to do, but you're doing it for self-preservation, for survival.

If you don't have a job, get one ASAP. Start saving your money because when the time comes you may need it to survive after you leave Mormonism. A parent's reaction to news that their child is an apostate creates very nasty situations, so it's best to be prepared for the worst.

Focus on your schoolwork, your studies. You may end up having to support yourself entirely when you go to college-if that is your intention of course. So, make sure you've got good grades in order to receive as much scholarship money as possible.

While you cannot prepare yourself emotionally for your parents reaction to your unbelief, you can prepare yourself financially.

If you follow through with this, JessicaLily, you'll not regret it. The freedom that awaits you is beautiful and envigorating. You'll see the world through new eyes once you're free of Mormonism. Keep your head up, JessicaLily. The next two years will be dark and difficult, but once you're free you'll be glad you made the effort.

Best wishes to you, JessicaLily. We're rooting for you here.

One technique is to occasionally tell her you need some spiritual space. Tell her you've prayed and fasted and studied, and you are told by God to take a break from church and stay home and meditate (or whatever). See if she'll buy it.

I would expect they have a set limit for rebellion, and any sort of rebellion will count. If you break a lot of other rules, their won't be much room to break the go-to-church rule. It might be interesting to feel them out on how hard the react to various types of rule breaking.

One thing about realizing it is all a lie is that church leaders no longer have any power over you. You will still be required to go to a bishop's interview, but there is no reason to tell him any details of your life. Little white lies are perfect for situations where someone is asking something that is really none of their business.

Having gotten out, I am still fascinated by Mormon history and culture. It's a great hobby. Can you spend meetings reading Mormon books and looking for the juicy stuff?

It might help to break them down to smaller goals. For instance, if your are working part time, have a goal in mind for savings in 6 months, 1 year. Does your high school let you work toward college credit? Get those credits behind you before you're 18.

Here in Utah there are a lot of exmos, so stick around, learn where to find us. I'm betting you could find like-minded friends your age. Some are following this very board.

Hang in there. You are better off than the 14 yr old we recently heard from.

Absolutely agree with the comments above - if you try to leave now while still at home and still under your parents jurisdiction you'll end up being the next ward project with yw leaders turning up and inviting themselves in to 'talk' to you and 'try to understand' what is going on. Do you have any family or friends who are inactive or non-members? Perhaps you could talk to them for support. Your YW leader is right about women and the temple and baptism - if they're married to a non-member husband they must get his written consent to be baptised and to receive their endowment. I think they can go on limited recs without needing any "authority". My own view is that it's the church trying to show to the husbands "hey dude, you might not have the p-hood but we're gonna treat you like you do". Much love. A

Will your parents pay for your education? There have been some posters here that have faked it for four years to get a degree. If you can do it, then do it. Working and going to school and paying your own way is a lot longer and more difficult then if you have four years to devote to classes.

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to get out of Utah, if you have that option for school. Avoid BYU like the devil. You will be amazed how different other places are from Utah.

Keep coming her and posting and reading. It can be your little window to a sane world.

one thing Missing from the above comments:

observe, with an unbiased ear & eyes, how mormonism Totalizes EVERYTHING that Mormonism feeds the rank-and-file; It's a 100% scripted line, as canned as the advertisements you see on television (old-timers call it Correlation).

Then, it totalizes Your Life; It tells you What To Wear (& what not), what foods to consume, which books & movies & other information to read.

By this time, your sense of perspective is SHOT; you're Totally dependant on others ('leaders') to tell you what & how to think (process the information THEY LET YOU SEE).

BS, propaganda, intended to feed the morg Tithing, PR, and more Future tithe-payers...

just sayin'

Can you take AP courses before you graduate? If you have no time (since you must sleep if dealing with seminary), choose lots of science courses? I know a lot of people hated chemistry and physics and math, but they are classes entirely devoid of Joe Smith, plus they are great for your transcripts and your understanding of the universe. Science saved me. I had to study (missed church functions). Your parent may think church is more important to school, but I used the "Do you want to be in the lower percentage of my class?" question. they wanted their kids to be smarter than the other kids. I got out of functions that way.

I wasn't good at math and science, but I liked it and worked at it. Now I make a lot of money. Not what the parents care about (marry/babies/marry RM/babies/marry/babies) Sadly (Cough), BYU didn't offer my chosen major. Yeah, dodge that one!! Lots of colleges out there. I'd be proud of my scholar girl if I were your parent. Difficult to attack academic achievement. Also, you could say you want to marry a professional (RM) who is financially successful, and they want to date educated girls. They like that kind of talk.

Once out, you major in what you love, find the one you love and think back on these weird years as an investment needed to become independent, educated and not kicked to the curb. Proud of you, smartie!

You can leave in your own heart and mind at any time and you never need anyone's permission to do so.

As for expressing outwardly the fact that you have already left, you don't need to tell anyone in your family or do anything that will cause them to basically "punish" you for leaving until you're ready.

Just do the absolute minimum of church-related stuff necessary to keep things from getting too unpleasant at home. For the sake of your own sanity and integrity, I wouldn't advocate pretending to believe when you don't. But there's no harm in participating in church-related stuff to keep the peace. If you get pressured about bearing a testimony, just tell them the truth--namely, that you care a lot about your family and know that the Church means a lot to them and you know that Thomas Monson is the President of the Church and has been sustained as a Prophet. (All true, regardless of whether you believe in the Church as a divine institution. ;o) )

Check out Deism. http://deistalliance.org/

Appreciate your family/community for any/all advantages they are despite Mormonism.
I see teenagers post here often.
We're not your parents.
We're strangers on the Internet that could be quacks.

Tell your parents you're pregnant, then just when they are about to bust a casket say, ha ha I was only joking, but I am leaving the Church. It'll seem so much better to them.