http://josephsmithtranslation.wordpress.com/2011/05/25/the-jst-the-baptism-of-jesus/


I am still worn out from my glorious vision, so tonight’s work will be fairly brief. I begin with the Inspired translation of Mark 1:9-11, which in its full true form should actually comprise 1:9-14. This is the story of the baptism of Jesus. As we can see, the correct translation is yet more proof that the LDS church is the very same as the ancient church formed by Christ.

9: One day Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee, and he was baptized by John in the Jordan River.

10: And when Jesus came up out of the water, he saw the heavens split open. And a voice came from heaven saying, “John, he didn’t go all the way under, a little of his nose was still above the water. You have to do it again or it doesn’t count”.

11: And so Jesus was again baptized by John, and when he came up out of the water a voice again came from heaven saying, “John, you missed a word in the baptism prayer. You have to do it again or it’s not acceptable”.

12: And John was very embarrassed because he was doing his best and was pretty awkward in the first place. But the spirit of the Lord came upon him and reminded him that exact word-for-word, rule-for-rule, perfection is more important than is the heart.

13: And so John, tears of shame streaming down his face, baptized Jesus one more time. And yea, this time the prayer was right and Jesus was fully immersed. And a voice came from heaven saying, “This is my son in whom I am well pleased”.

14: Then Jesus was sat upon a log and John laid hands upon him. And after making many mistakes, and having to do it fifteen times, John correctly confirmed him a member of the true church.

15. Jesus spoke to the multitude and said, "Lo and behold!" And the multitude did low and behold. Then Christ saw that they had beheld, and he was filled with compassion being filled with the spirit--which he has just received. Yeah, even compassion for John who had royally screwed the pooch with the dunking.

16. Then Jesus spake saying, "Bring unto me your tired your poor your hungry your huddled masses" and the multitude did bring them forth and shew them unto him.

17. Jesus wept.

18. Jesus wept a bit more.

19. Then the spirit of the Lord descended like a dove over a freshly-waxed porshe.

20. And one woman, having noticed the birds cried saying, "In case you're interested, I was pushed into that fountain!"

21. And Christ said unto her, "He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone."

22. And Christ picked up a stone and cast it at the woman, having just been baptized, being without sin.

23. And the multitude cried saying, "Lord! why do all these paragraphs start with "and?"

24. And it came to pass that Jesus shrugged.

25. And Christ was confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ. Which nobody thought was the least bit ironic.

26. And it came to pass Amen.

27. And then Jesus prophesied that one should come, even by the name of Mobegone, who would give unto the children of men the fullness of his words.

28. And he also warned of one man wearing black who should try to hone in on the action and deceive the children of men.

29. And he foretold that this man in black would get systemic herpes and gonorrhea and die.

30. Amen and amen. Even amen.

31. And verily, verily it did come to pass that in the fullness of times it was required that the error regarding the casting of stones be corrected.

32. Yea, even be made pure and truthful.

33. It came to pass that Jesus was wandering around the town and came upon a crowd of men who were about to stone a woman who had been taken in adultry.

34. And yea, she had been rightly condemned because each and every man in the crowd had lain with her or at least accepted oral grafication at her hand, so to speak.

35. And verily, seeking to trip him up and place him a position to be also stoned, no pot involved, they did inquire of him,

36. Master, what say you should be this woman's punishment?"

37. Verily, verily, he spoketh unto them saying, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

38. And it came to pass when he looked up from his doodling in the dirt, all the men had creeped away.

39. Then, lo, there entered into the square a tiny old woman carrying a huge boulder.

40. She did creep forward with her heavy burden until she stood over the scarlet huzzy who had been loved well and by all.

41. Then behold she did draw herself up to her full height and with a mighty shrug did drop the stone upon the women crushing all life from her wretched body.

42. Then did the Master, raise his head again and was heard to proclaim,

43. "You know Mom, some times you really piss me off."

Wow, that felt really good. I've not written pseudo-scripture in practically forever.

Thanks for the laugh and just keep 'em comin'! :-)