Hoping somebody can help me out here. I found out yesterday (after the fact, of course) that my son had a private 'worthiness' interview with his bishop and is going to do youth baptisms this Friday evening. I didn't appreciate this for a number of reasons, including the fact that I made plans for his birthday that evening which now have to be re-arranged. But the thing that pisses me off most is, of course, the inappropriateness of questioning an adolescent behind closed doors, the fact that TBMs think nothing of it, and the fact that the parents themselves are not involved, even encouraged to defer to the so called "priesthood authority" of the bishop in this whole farce. Since I used to be TBM and a member of TSCC, I never questioned that either. However, it wasn't until I joined RfM that I became aware of just HOW intrusive and inappropriate many of those youth interviews can be. I had already intended to state my opposition to private youth interviews without the knowledge, permission, and even presence of a parent in the room. Since the issue has come up this week, it's time to play my hand and lay the cards on the table.

Someone on RfM once wrote an excellent letter to his bishop on what is not appropriate when it comes to interviewing minors in a bishop's interview. It included having a parent in the room, or at least having the door open, not pulling a kid out of class without the parent knowing and consenting, the possible legal repercussions should the bishop continue to conduct closed door meetings and bring up chastity issues like masturbation, etc. I've been searching for it, but haven't found it and I would dearly love to use it as the template for my own official 'don't screw with my kids or you're in for a real ass-whoopin' letter. Anybody have a link for it??

I agree with captaincaveman. Why do you have to change your plans for his birthday when they interviewed and made plans for YOUR child without consulting you? When someone links the letter (I remember the letter, but not who wrote it) I would also include they are not to make plans for YOUR child without your prior permission. Only mormons make plans for other peoples children without consulting the parent. Sheesh!

Totally agree- why are you changing YOUR plans?

In the sentence "I find it unnerving that clergy in the LDS church routinely ask the youth to discuss sex, masturbation, pornography or other subjects that would be considered highly off limits for anyone other than parents or licensed professionals, all behind closed doors." I'd change the word "clergy" to "administrators."

The LDS have no clergy. They have company administrators, of which "bishops" are nothing but a low-level administrator, equivalent to a department head of a local store in a large corporation. In corporation terms, an LDS "bishop" is the equivalent of someone who is the head of the frozen food section of the local Walmart.

An unpaid "VOLUNTEER" or "LAY" head of the frozen food section at Walmart.

According to a friend who is a policeman this type of invasive interview between an adult and a minor can bring about a felony sex abuse charge against the interviewer.

Thanks Heresy, that's the one I was looking for! Son's birthday is actually on Saturday. I knew he was having a birthday party at dad & stepmom's later that day. I usually have him Friday-Saturday and tentatively made plans based on the assumption that we would be following our normal schedule. It wasn't that difficult to readjust but the main point was that since I'm now an ex-member, it seems I'm being kept out of the loop with stuff like this and I won't allow that. As far as not allowing my son to go: I've found out that like many kids who balk at being pushed too hard by TBMs to do Mormon stuff, my TBM son will dig in his heels if I push too hard to convince him NOT to do these kinds of activities. I talked to son privately and asked if he really wanted to do the temple trip (son said yes, but also agreed that I should've been consulted about it first). I didn't have time to get into it w/dad & stepmom, as we were at son's piano recital but I will definitely be writing up a letter. They'll be moving to a different part of town in a few weeks, so whoever their new bishop is, he'll be getting copy of the letter. And I've giving a copy to my attorney. I don't necessessarily anticipate any trouble, but I believe in being well-prepared and having all the bases covered, if need be. My ex is a wonderful father in so many ways and genuinely loves his children, but being a TBM he's part of the system and leaving a minor child alone in a room with an unqualified adult who believes he has the "authority" to question or discuss matters of normal adolescent sexuality is unacceptable. Both ex and their new bishop need to be told that, and in particular, the consequences of compromising the safety of a minor will be driven home.
So, to end the novel, rather than insist that son NOT go, I worked out something satisfactory for him & me, and from this point on, ensure that these private, unauthorized and potentially invasive interviews cease, effective immediately. Friend of a Mo, I like the suggestion of not making church-related plans for the kids w/out my knowledge & permission, and I'm adding that to the letter.

I predict that your son will be a happy exMormon some day. :)

Thanks so much Rebeckah! I really needed to hear that. It's such a fine line for an ex-mo to walk when it comes to family that are still TBM. My kids are great, they really are. They know there are 'problems' in the church, but of course, they have no idea of what's hidden underneath the surface, how could they? They've had few if any really negative experiences; we live in a liberal area of California and most of the members they've grown up with are NOM, or at least more chill than the rabid TBMS. They don't understand why I left, but they love their mom and they have not allowed personal beliefs or church to interfere with our relationship. Credit also to my ex, for not badmouthing me or my choices. His wife however is definitely rabid TBM; she does her best but frequently rubs the kids the wrong way, and has shown the uncharitable, judgmental side of Mormonism on a number of occasions, which ex has had to discuss with her.
You know, I realized I don't want to be like the TBMs that despair because their kids are 'falling away'. There are some things you just can't control, and painful as it is, you have to let people make their own choices. Right now, two of my three are still minors, so I can and do step in or speak up if I know something needs to be addressed. But right now they still want to be a part of the greater Mormon 'family', dysfunctional though it may be. I just live my life the best I can, share things that will make them think, hopefully just enough, and let things take their course. I have seen for myself that TSCC is its own worst enemy, and although I can't predict anything, I do hope Rebeckah that all of three of my children will be happy, healthy, and hopefully ex-mo adults someday.

Maybe that will help find it? Or maybe you can call out to him directly?

Edit: lol, I see Heresy already helped. :D



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/25/2011 02:44PM by Rebeckah.

they enjoyed some of the social aspects of mormonism. (Once out of High School, though, they were both instantly out!)

My (now ex-)wife and I proactively made it clear to the bishop, etc, that they were NOT to interview our kids without one of the parents present.

That's all it took. They were obliging, and the "interviews" were, of course, relatively benign.

...The Bishop made me and the other counselor interview the YM and YW every month. I hated it, but I was a good little soldier.

I shudder when I think of my interviews with those kids. I consider those interviews some of my gravest "sins" as a Mormon. It should never have happened and I should never have blindly obeyed by conducting those interviews.

The kindest and most honest and earnest young men and women ended up NOT going to the temple, and were shamed. While the liars and mollies got their recommends.

This topic is one of the things I feel strongly about in the Mo cult. I had no idea my kids were being interviewed for youth activities, until after the fact. Of course, the masturbation stuff was in there as well, and I knew nothing until later.

Arrogant, no-talent administrators interviewing my kids, and pretending to have inspiration from god. May they rot asap.

Even with adults as a counselor I aways left the door open. I usuaually had a female staff member with me when counseling females in my profession...Why do you think that the new bishop offices being built have small windows in them....???

During my last interview before I quit going to church the bishop asked me if I had a problem with masturbation. I replied, if that was what he liked to do in the privacy of his own home it was none of my business. Was never called for any more interviews.

notasheeple Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> During my last interview before I quit going to
> church the bishop asked me if I had a problem with
> masturbation. I replied, if that was what he liked
> to do in the privacy of his own home it was none
> of my business. Was never called for any more
> interviews.

Best ever! I would gives months pay to have known that answer 40 years ago!

You are the parent, just tell TSCC that YOUR less than the age of majority child has other plans for the evening, and that in the future ANY plans revolving around Church activities are to be cleared through you and his/her father first.

This is nervy beyond comprehension.

I gave many temple interviews, including youth interviews. I always kept the door open. I hated every second of it, especially with the young women. I never asked any questions about porn, "M", or any of a sexual nature, with the exception "do you live the law of chastity." Doing so would have been highly inappropriate in my opinion. If they said, "What is that?", I'd say, "no sex before marrage" and leave it at that.

I always began the meeting, with, "Do your parents know that you will be going to the temple, and do they approve of this interview?"

The interview was done in less than 1 minute. My counterparts took it very seriously though. Not me. Not that.

I think the only thing worse is a worthiness interview to go to girls camp--really? To girls camp?

daughter (who is a longtime family friend).

I was leary of the idea to begin with, because of the indoctrination that goes on at camp these days, but when I was told my daughter would have to talk privately with the bishop, I nixed the idea completely.

I told the parent of the young lady that I thought it was inappropriate and unnecessary for my daughter to speak to the bishop (who she had never met). The purpose of the meeting was mainly to discuss the dress code. WTH? It's ALL girls! What's the big deal?

As if someone can't just read a list of rules and sign and state they'll comply.

What a waste of time and a heavy-handed way of dealing with young ladies.

My point exactly! My daughter can go camping with her family, so creepy interviews and learn more than she would at girls camp.

so=no

but this is no guarantee of safety. Look at the people rounded up in pedo stings. They usually include police, teachers, judges and clergy.

I know all about mormons doing things without the parents consent! someone in the church had the NERVE to baptize my son without my consent to do so. This was back in 2005 when he was 9 years old. I removed his name right away from their records!! Pretty crummy thing to do!!!

This real possibility needs to be made more public. Many mormons, non-mormons, and exmos claim that this couldn't happen because there are policies against it. Yeah right, as if mormons would place mere policy above what they see as "The Will of God!"

Yes, mormons do often ask for permission to teach mishie lessons and baptize children. But sometimes they also use devious tactics to teach, interview, and baptize when they know parents would object.

If I EVER attend another one of those. I know what to say now.

I AM THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS

AS CHRIST IS, SO AM I IN THE WORLD.

THERE IS THEREFORE NO CONDEMNATION TO THOSE WHO ARE IN CHRIST.

We can do this all day baby!

Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died

NEVER AGAIN will I let someone tell me what GOD said [please don't come after me if you don't believe. I've got nothing but love for you honey!]

Insist on sitting in. If the Bishop balks, tell him that given the church's history of molestations, you will not allow your under 18 year old children to be allow with a male adult behind closed doors. Either he lets you sit in on the interview or it doesn't happen.

If he still balks, dredge up some newspaper articles about the church being sued and include a few about the Catholics. It might open his eyes. Tell him that if he has nothing to hide, he shouldn't mind you being there.