Recovery Board  : RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum. 
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In
Posted by: anon this time ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 03:56PM

Shame surrounding masturbation has been a common topic on this board. Something happened a few nights ago that Id like to share.

My husband wasn't home. I needed to shower and decided to masturbate before getting cleaned up. It was dark outside, but my kids were still up. I always keep one of the bedroom blinds raised because the cats like to look out and I have to tie the cords up high otherwise they bat them around when I'm trying to sleep. It's annoying to tie and untie them all the time so I leave the blinds raised and tied. The window is directly across from my bedroom door. So as I was getting ready to do this, my daughter knocked on my door and wanted my iPad. I gave it to her bc I figured it'd keep her occupied so I could do my thing. My shirt was still on but I was in my panties, so I was kind of hiding behind the door as I gave it to her. The light from my bathroom spilled into my dark bedroom and with me standing between the window and the bedroom door, I was afraid I was visible out the window. I kept looking behind me out the window, paranoid. I told her I was trying to get ready for bed so take the iPad and let me get ready.

I ran the shower to cover the noise. Unfortunately the shower did not drown out the sound. I didn't think I was that loud, but I must have been because my daughter began frantically knocking on my door. I said, I'm busy! She said MOM! I need to talk to you RIGHT NOW! She was crying. I wrapped a towel around me and went to the door. She was near hysterical. "Are you cheating on dad?!?!" I said what?! Why would you say that?? She said I heard moans coming from your room! (Apparently she had taken the ipad and sat right down next to my closed door.) When you gave me the iPad you wouldn't open the door all the way and you kept looking behind you like someone was in there and you were hiding them!" Omg.

So I brought her in my room and showed her I was alone. She said, then what were the moans?? My face was burning but I was also laughing, like nervous giggle laughing. She was still crying. I said remember when I told you what masturbation is? (She asked me recently bc she had her first bishop interview when she turned 12 a few weeks a few weeks ago. My TBM husband sat in with her, but the bishop still asked.) Anyway, I told her what it is . Just that it means someone touching their own private parts because it feels good. I didn't explain orgasm. This was several weeks ago. So last night I said remember that?) That's what I was doing. She looked horrified and disgusted. She said why??! I said bc it feels good. She said that's gross mom. I said do you know why I'm laughing? It's bc I'm embarrassed. Bc this is a very private thing and not something I want to share w my 12 yr old daughter. But it's normal and natural and most adults do it. Dad knows I do it, he does it, and we do it together. I said I know it seems weird and gross to you right now. But someday it will make sense to you and I think you'll be glad that I am being straight forward w you instead of shaming. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's just private.

I would have made something up except she was extremely disturbed and worried I was w someone. She will likely always remember that experience. Im sure it was formative. I told her it's not something to tell her little brother or her friends, but I'm sure at some point she'll tell a gf, bf, husband. Every slumber party, truth or dare... Have you ever walked in on your parents? No, but one time I heard my mom masturbating! Ugh. However, the other part she'll remember is how real her mom was abt it. And hopefully she'll realize how uncommon that is and hopefully it will normalize sexuality. I also told her she can talk to me abt it more if she needs to and that I always want her to be able to come to me abt anything even if it's embarrassing.

I told my husband. He agreed that I handled it as well possible. Even though he is TBM, he knows how Mormonism messed me up as kid, teen, and young adult. And it damaged him as well, even though he still believes in it. I would never intentionally give my kids a window into my sex life, and obviously I need to be more careful. But in an odd way I'm glad I had an opportunity to model being comfortable with my sexuality.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: cinda ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 04:00PM

I think you handled it brilliantly :)

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Tevai ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 03:04AM

cinda Wrote:
> I think you handled it brilliantly :)

Me, too!!!


Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Gheco ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 04:19PM

Getting caught master bating is usually different in real life than portrayed and documented in pornos.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: badassadam ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 04:26PM

I am still messed up with the whole masterbaiting thing from being raised in the church. I dont feel as evil when i do it now then when i used to. Its kind of weird hearing about women masterbaiting because the church made it seem like only men did it. Healing from the church brainwashing is tough.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: summer ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 04:50PM

You handled it beautifully.

>>I said remember when I told you what masturbation is? (She asked me recently bc she had her first bishop interview when she turned 12 a few weeks a few weeks ago. My TBM husband sat in with her, but the bishop still asked.)

Please tell me that your husband told the bishop off. No adult male has the right to ask that of an underage child.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: OP ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 05:31PM

We knew this bishop makes a point of asking that question, which is one of the reasons my husband sat in. So the question wasnt a surprise. My husband didnt tell the bishop off after the question, but did tell him in the beginning that he would be sitting in a matter of principle, partially due to questions like that one that he knew would be asked.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: summer ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 06:09PM

In your shoes, I would train my daughter to say, "That is a personal question and none of your business. I won't be discussing that. No grown man should be asking that of a minor. It is indecent to do so."

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: PRockwell ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 07:05PM

I won't be discussing it bishop. It's not secret. It's just "sacred." Lol

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: badassadam ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 12:19AM

I use that phrase for a lot of things to piss off people, because it was said to me so many times.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: cutekitty ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 11:10AM

IF gawd created anything better than the Big 'O' -Orgasm--
He kept it for himself!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: rubi123 ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 05:42PM

I would not allow a grown man to talk to my young daughter about anything related to sex. Even if your husband was there at the time. That is just plain WRONG.

Your daughter will likely be getting a lot of mixed messages. With you being ok with masturbation and the LDS Church being so against it. She won't know what to think.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/13/2017 05:45PM by rubi123.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: lurking in ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 05:57PM

Society still sends so many negative messages about masturbation (although it's probably getting better). Guys call each other names: "Wanker!" "Jerk off!" As if the accuser weren't as "guilty" as the accused. (Do women cast insults at each other like this?) When your daughter said "That's gross, Mom," she was just reflecting what society as a whole (not just the Mormon church) teaches openly ("on the street") about the nearly ubiquitous practice. I hope your healthy attitude can cut through all the stupid noise for your children's sake!

And in my opinion you did make the best of a very, very awkward situation.

: )

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Daydreamprincess ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 11:13PM

Wow. You did great mom. I'd have died of embarrassment even though it is natural...

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: frankie ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 03:00AM

I wouldn't have been so loud with other people in the house. I would of turned the tv or radio up. Maybe I would of said I was putting rubbing alcohol on my skin abrasion. I would of been too embarrassed to tell my daughter I was masturbating.

But if able to tell your 12 year old then good for you.

If I was a 12 year old and I wondered why my mom was making those odd noises, I would of never asked. I certainly would not want to receive that receive that answer from my mom. I would feel so and weird.

Sex was never mentioned in my house growing up.

But that is how I think about it. Certainly there is no wrong or right way to go about it.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Atari ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 07:47AM

I think you handled it perfectly. Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of and it is good your daughter knows that.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Soft Machine ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 08:37AM

I think you are a very good mother. Well done!

To put all this in context, check out this from Mark Twain:

" Some Thoughts on the Science of Onanism
by Mark Twain

[One evening in Paris in 1879, The Stomach Club, a society of American writers and artists, gathered to drink well, to eat a good dinner and hear an address by Mark Twain. He was among friends and, according to the custom of the club, he delivered a humorous talk on a subject hardly ever mentioned in public in that day and age. After the meeting, he preserved the manuscript among his papers. It was finally printed in a pamphlet limited to 50 copies 64 years later.]


My gifted predecessor has warned you against the "social evil--adultery." In his able paper he exhausted that subject; he left absolutely nothing more to be said on it. But I will continue his good work in the cause of morality by cautioning you against that species of recreation called self-abuse to which I perceive you are much addicted. All great writers on health and morals, both ancient and modern, have struggled with this stately subject; this shows its dignity and importance. Some of these writers have taken one side, some the other.

Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death." Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion." In another place this experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it to sodomy."

Robinson Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art." Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of virginity." Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush." The immortal Franklin has said, "Masturbation is the best policy."

Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters," I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction--have used similar language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self- negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared with self-abuse." Mr. Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time--"None knows it but to love it; none name it but to praise."

Such are the utterances of the most illustrious of the masters of this renowned science, and apologists for it. The name of those who decry it and oppose it is legion; they have made strong arguments and uttered bitter speeches against it--but there is not room to repeat them here in much detail. Brigham Young, an expert of incontestable authority, said, "As compared with the other thing, it is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning." Solomon said, "There is nothing to recommend it but its cheapness." Galen said, "It is shameful to degrade to such bestial uses that grand limb, that formidable member, which we votaries of Science dub the Major Maxillary--when they dub it at all--which is seldom, It would be better to amputate the os frontis than to put it to such use."

The great statistician Smith, in his report to Parliament, says, "In my opinion, more children have been wasted in this way than any other." It cannot be denied that the high antiquity of this art entitles it to our respect; but at the same time, I think its harmfulness demands our condemnation. Mr. Darwin was grieved to feel obliged to give up his theory that the monkey was the connecting link between man and the lower animals. I think he was too hasty. The monkey is the only animal, except man, that practices this science; hence, he is our brother; there is a bond of sympathy and relationship between us. Give this ingenuous animal an audience of the proper kind and he will straightway put aside his other affairs and take a whet; and you will see by his contortions and his ecstatic expression that he takes an intelligent and human interest in his performance.

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: a disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke and tell indelicate stories--and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures. The results of the habit are: loss of memory, loss of virility, loss of cheerfulness and loss of progeny.

Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long been banished from the social board. It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred, these two arts are now indulged in only private--though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh.

My illustrious predecessor has taught you that all forms of the "social evil" are bad. I would teach you that some of these forms are more to be avoided than others. So, in concluding, I say, "If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much." When you feel a revolutionary uprising in your system, get your Vendome Column down some other way--don't jerk it down."


Tom in Paris

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/14/2017 08:37AM by Soft Machine.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 09:30AM

"Brigham Young, an expert of incontestable authority, said, "As compared with the other thing, it is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.""

Good old Mark Twain -- never let an opportunity to zing the mormons pass him by.

Thanks for that, Tom!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Razortooth ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 11:01AM

That's the last time I logged on to THAT website.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: lurking in ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 11:45AM

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: GQ Cannonball ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 05:04PM

It sounds like you handled that very nicely! Your daughter may be mortified right now, but in a few more years, she'll appreciate your candor and maturity a great deal.

Options: ReplyQuote
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In

Screen Name: 
Your Email (optional): 
Spam prevention:
Please, enter the code that you see below in the input field. This is for blocking bots that try to post this form automatically.
 **     **  **      **  ********  **     **  **     ** 
 **     **  **  **  **  **        **     **  **     ** 
 **     **  **  **  **  **        **     **  **     ** 
 *********  **  **  **  ******    **     **  **     ** 
 **     **  **  **  **  **         **   **   **     ** 
 **     **  **  **  **  **          ** **    **     ** 
 **     **   ***  ***   **           ***      *******