Were you praised? Given opportunities to speak (not just at your "homecoming”) as male RMs are? Told “That's nice; now time to get married"?

or…?

I always kept hearing, you went on a mission because you couldn't get married.

Thank God I didn't get married.

Can you imagines the news flash!

WOW! I am so glad that I am single again!! Those women sure made me feel like crap cause I had so many female problems, and that I was unworthy so God was punishing me,and that is why I couldnt have a child, etc, etc, but I would have one "in the next life" HUH? what the heck did they mean by that???? That was a mystery to me for many years..Seemed like they all somehow knew WHY I was having so many female problems and surgery!! Yep, if you told one person in confidence, within a day, the entire ward knew what was up! As I look back, I am so glad that I didnt have a family...I wasnt ready for that, nor would I ever be. I am single at heart, very independant, and having children just wouldnt be me. If someone wants a large family, hey great, but as for me, nah, and Im really okay with it. I now know why I was never intended to be a parent, or do a mission,etc,...cause I'm too independent and I like to be able to take off for a wekend, or travel at a moments notice.

My experience? I became invisible literally 23 seconds after I came through immigration after my trans-Atlantic flight. I walked out, they yelled "welcome home", and literally by the time my luggage arrived I was invisible No one walking up to me at the carousel and putting their arms around me and genuinely saying “Gabriella, I'm so glad you are back, it's been such a long time. Are you ok? Do you need to talk? What do you need?”.

No, after that 23 seconds, no one asked anything. Everyone was just talking about what they were talking about on their way to the airport. The drive back to their house, (not mine, they had moved to a different State while I was gone. To me, it was just another transfer).

I had expected when we got home that there would be a meal and people would shut up and let me talk. It didn't happen. We did have a family get together a few days later but it was so superficial. Even those family members that had been on missions didn't ask one real question, express one real emotion of concern.

Church on Sunday was slightly better for a moment. Some women who to me were strangers genuinely inquired about me and felt nice, but my mother?...nothing. My father?...nothing. I was nothing. All my hours, days, months and year and a half of trudging down the streets in the UK in the rain, the sleet, the snow, the gale force winds, the slammed doors, the difficult companions, the at times seriously dangerous people we met and actually tried to get ourselves into their homes to teach them this stupid “gospel” crap...was meaningless to them.

When I was released from being a missionary which was literally a nice sit down conversation and nothing more, he looked at me and saw my good communication skills, and my confidence having just lived out of the country for all this time and being forced to survive, he took that as my PARENTS were amazing people and that THEY were the ones that had made me this way. He said then said the Lord had just told him that my dad was to be the next Bishop. I instinctively put my arms out and said “NO! I am who I am because of me, not him. No!” He couldn't see that. Obviously he had been thinking about my dad for the position, but I pushed it over the top. My dad is a massive introvert with no leadership skills at all.

After that, I remained nothing. Dad became Bishop and commanded me to attend the singles ward. Me? I wanted to blend into the congregation and rest my mind. I had no desire to date, to try to change anyone's mind about anything including forced marriage, whether they should join the church or which shoe to put on first in the morning! I just wanted to rest and have no responsibility in the church for awhile. I needed a break. However I didn't get one. Although I told my dad I didn't want to go, he made my life so miserable I went just to shut him up.

Funny thing...I actually thought after being overseas (this was before instant communication with the net and email and txt. This was back in the days when you only got to talk when you received letters) for 18 months that they would actually want to spend time with me. Nope, it was was GET MARRIED, WE DON'T CARE TO WHOM, JUST GET MARRIED AND MAKE US LOOK GOOD. Gabriella didn't exist.

The “priesthood” treated me like any other woman, I was nothing, I was unworthy, I was not special. No, I was never invited to speak at any fireside or what not. I was nothing. But deep down, I was everything. I knew what I had survived I knew what I had earned in myself and no one, no man, no woman could take that from me.

To make a long story short, I did get engaged for all of 3 weeks and thankfully we both realized it was folly to get married as we didn't even know each other. My parents were furious and I left and went back home. Again, I was forced into a calling, my last and from there I had finally had enoug and left the church. It that mission and the control and disrespect afterwards that finally woke me up to the hell and the disrepect and the reality that this would continue my ENTIRE life if I allowed it, that woke me up and led me out, well, that and the fact that it almost killed me.

Thanks.

Gabriella Wrote:
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> ...that mission and the control and disrespect afterwards that finally woke me up to the hell and the disrepect and the reality that this would continue my ENTIRE life if I allowed it, that woke me up and led me out, well, that and the fact that it almost killed me.

It took a lot of strength for you to leave all that behind, Gabriella. You are a very strong woman.

I saw one of the sisters I had served with. She was married and had two very small children. She told me how utterly miserable she was, how she had depression and other physical problems that she never had had before. She lived in a small house with her husband and was totally controlled. She spoke to me with such concern, such fear, such "what the hell has happened to me??" tone in her voice. I'll never forget it.

This was just a couple of months before I discovered the church was lie, but that experience seeing her like that woke my soul up in such a way. I was miserable on my mission, but I'm sure I thought that when I got home and got married I'd finally be "happy". To see her and her prolonged misery terrified me. I could not imagine living in the kind of misery I had felt on the mission..........for the rest of my life.

How horrible.

That poor girl really did not know what happened to her. She had gotten married and started popping out babies, just like her church had told her she should do--and she was miserable. Too many YW in the Mormon church end up depressed and overwhelmed as young mothers, in controlling marriages just like this girl’s, because they are never encouraged to seek and find their own path. Just obey, obey, obey...

You, too, had gotten engaged—but fortunately woke up in time to stave off the kind of marriage your former mission companion now found herself stuck in.

You describe your experiences in a very compelling way, Gabriella! I hope you are keeping your posts. Not only are they highly thought-provoking for us, the readers, but you may end up with a book!

AMEN!


Ohhhh gabby! I am so glad you won out!

I love this being black business...No one dare tell me Bull!

Tehehehehehehe...I come and go as I please. I really hope you are happy now and you do matter.

I saw the same thing happen to many women as you describe about your sister. I just knew that wasn't for me.

Why do they need to control you?

Maybe thats why for some unknown reason that I was never able to have kids? Where would I be today if that had happened? In a miserable marriage, kids driving me up the wall, and very depressed.

I honestly dont ever recall of any returned female missionaries talk at church on Sundays. I never realised that until you posted. Thanks for another eye opener!

Hey gals: Have any of you ever been told by a male in TSCC that "What man would ever want someone like you"? How did you handle it? Did that comment make you who you are today?

You might consider beginning a new thread on this topic. I would be interested in more input both from you & from others!

When I got home, everyone said "it seems like you just left yesterday." I hated that because I felt like I'd been gone for all eternity. I gave a talk in my parents ward and in the Spanish branch and, when I moved back to where I lived on my own and was working before my mission, I spoke about my mission in my "home" ward too. I didn't think I missed anything but I didn't know then how elders spoke in many other wards within the stake, accompanying the Stake High Council guy. I mean, I'd seen it but it hadn't really registered with me that I might have to do that or that I should feel bad I wasn't asked.

I went on my mission several years after I graduated from BYU so everyone had pretty much given up on me ever getting married. No one mentioned marriage to me which was more a huge relief, rather than insulting. Not that I hadn't had boyfriends and offers but it never seemed to work out. Now, I realize it's because deep down, I couldn't stand the thought of being married to the typical Peter Priesthood I'd been told I HAD to marry...so I pretty much would run when things got serious and then wonder why I couldn't find my one and only. I did get engaged two years after my mission - apparently there was a saying among the sister RMs at the time that if you don't get married within two years after your mission, you will never get married. I guess the blessings of a mission expire two years to the date after your release or something. Anyway, the guy I married was absolutely NOT the Peter Priesthood type and ironically, I gave him crap about that for years until I realized the whole church was a great big lie. Then, I was grateful he was more liberal and open-minded. He still pulls some stupid Mormon tricks now and again - he was raised in Utah - but mostly I realize now how lucky I was to have ditched those other "wholesome" priesthood boys and listened, at least a little, to my gut.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/28/2011 07:24PM by CA girl.

Thank you for recounting your experience, CA girl. It certainly appears that Mormons who avoid marriage in their early 20’s tend to have happier marriages than those who "obey" the church's counsel to marry early.

of the strength you all found to go against the grain and choose a path that you had to literally fight for.

Thank you for your compliments. What I write I've earned, what I've survived is mine and cannot be taken. My mother when she was feeling small, angry and insecure would say to me..."you didn't serve a good enough mission!" just to hurt me. I'd just look at her and sigh. She had nothing, she lived a life in bed making every excuse not to get a job, training, anything. She used the church to live a life of complacency. All she could control was that within her realm. When her kids woke up to it, we all left and now she is left with horrid health and is largely alone. I no longer feel sorry for her. She chose that path. She had many opportunities to use her strength which she had plenty of to make the decision to save herself, but she chose not to. People who do that hate those of us who do simply because that part of them that wants so badly to be set free never leaves them alone and they have to live with the constant reminder of what they weren't.

I lived through so many "pioneer stories" of people who worked so hard on the farm, or how my great grandmother had to work so hard to support her 5 kids as if I'm supposed to feel sorry for her. They chose those lives, and the reality that if you have kids, you have to feed them. Why should I feel sorry for the fact that they worked hard? Hard work feeds the body and soul and keeps the mind sharp.

I've made my choices. I'm now working overseas in the vineyards pruning and wrapping vines. It is freezing cold and my hand wakes me up every morning at 4am and I can't make a fist because I use it so much during the day trimming canes. But I'm choosing this for the next couple of months because that time on the vineyard not only pushes me to work harder than I ever thought possible, it gives me time to think and process all of these issues that we are talking about.

I'm living in youth hostels or backpackers and meeting people from all over the world and straining my ear to understand broken English. For me, this is keeping me sane as I process some of the most difficult issues of my life. Keeping busy makes my mind feel safe to let in all the lies, the deception, the attempt to literally steal my soul and my entire physical life from me.

If you've never seen the Tim Burton film "Coraline", I reccommend it. The Beldram is the church. When you see it you'll understand. I realate to Coraline's strength. I didn't even know I had it as a child, but looking back, I did.

As did you.

I'm glad I went on a mission so not only could I live overseas, but simply because it gave me an opportunity to survive something horrible and dark and that strength has proven my greatest ally.

Oh Man Gabby!

That is heart wrenching.

I know for a church with the restored gospel they do very well teaching the lambs to pounce on the other lambs!

Man oh man.

Do you read your Bible? I recommend it. Just know you are under grace, the seed of Abraham, which includes blessings on this earth.

You will be in my prayers!

I also used distance and a change of scene to help me process some tough things in my past. Putting yourself in a different environment (as well as immersing yourself in the natural world) can be very healing.

That is exactly why I split from Utah as soon as I could, even though I had planned it for several years. It just seemed that the timing wasnt right for one reason or another, and when the opportunity came around again, I pounced on it! I couldnt believe how life outside of the cult was! I've been out for 2 1/2 years now, and dont regret it at all. I never went on any type of mission at all. Glad I didnt!

When I was growing up, I said that I would go on a mission. Really, it was just to make people uncomfortable, those who just didn't get why girls would even go on one. Then when I hit 15/16, I completely changed my mind. I mean, I was a NOM, why would I even go on one? I really dodged a bullet, so to say.

My home ward treated me fine. I spoke.

But then I immediately went off to a singles ward.

I really enjoyed my mission. As a woman, I chose to go. I was a true-believer and I felt like I was doing good in the world. I learned a foreign language. It was mostly fun.

I never could have done it if I had not truly believed. It was hard living in a third world country.

Makes me glad I never served a mission for TSCC? Also makes me glad I didnKt marry until I was 34. I was lucky also to have an open-minded husband. He knows about my disaffection and has said I can resign if I want. TSCC is NOT the basis for our marriage! O_o

Last year a very attractive (this is stated for a reason) young lady from an uber TBM family returned from her mission to CA. She gave a homecoming talk and seemed to settle in well. She expressed little interest in attending the singles ward so the leadership decided to make her the RS President of the singles ward. She went, stayed a few months, then quit her calling and came back to the family ward.

Last week she was waiting for an interview with the bishop and talking to me and one of the counselors in the bishopric. She stated she left the singles ward b/c in the few months she was there she had been proposed to five times! She said the guys were so desperate that they were coming out of the woodwork asking for dates and harassing her. I feel bad for her and hope she hurries up and finishes her degree and moves somewhere far away from her family and the idiots that put her into that situation.

Women in the morg have no real hope of achieving happiness on their own merits b/c the leadership has plans for them - Breed, breed, breed.