My husband's much younger sister will be marrying in the temple this August. She is a BYU-Idaho student and found herself a fiance (not her first) just this February. He's a returned missionary. She'll be pregnant by Christmas. It will be so, so blessed. Same old story.

My husband and I are ex-Mormon. We're sort of an odd combination - he was raised LDS and hated every second, I was raised Atheist but wanted to be LDS my ENTIRE CHILDHOOD. So I converted immediately upon turning 18 while he turned 18 and said to his parents "I'm done". There were plenty of messy moments in there, but by and large we have been happily married and non-Mormon for 17 years. We have four children, all teenagers.

Our decision to not wait outside the temple for this upcoming wedding has really nothing to do with Mormonism. It has to do with the way his family treats us, or doesn't treat us. In fact, we still haven't even technically been informed that this wedding will be taking place! But what is to be gleaned from Facebook is that it's assuredly on for August.

All four grown sons, including my husband have left the church. They have nothing to do with it. They are not angry, they are just done. Both daughters are frothing at the mouth with rabid hysterical Mormonism. If Gordon B. Hinckley made his own graham crackers that is the brand they would buy and they would let the world know it too.

My husband's parents treat us like we don't exist, but they have a way of doing it that shows no animosity; they're warm when we see them, but when we don't see them, we hear nothing. If it weren't for Facebook we would literally never hear from my husband's mother; that is her chosen method of pretending to demonstrate an interest. I don't care that my inlaws do not care for me; I can live with that. It's that they do not take on the role of parents to my husband or grandparents to my children. No birthday presents, no Easter baskets, no phone calls, just the rare invitation to a crappy paper plate holiday dinner. I spent a decade sending cards, letters, gifts, sending invitations, which were accepted warmly, but just never reciprocated.

In recent months we have had the opportunity to speak with my husband's brothers, who keep to themselves as well, much to my husband's sadness. The brothers, to my surprise, state that they have the same non-relationship to their parents. It's a very odd splintered family. The mother and the two daughters are basically losing their minds on Facebook every day telling each other in front of everyone how much they love each other and how absolutely wonderful a mother and father they have, etc. etc. ad nauseum, and we're just thinking, "WHAT?"

Anyway, it's been a real treat getting to see Facebook messages that state that my sister in law's children will be the flower girls while my daughter, again, is left out, and not even spoken to. My husband's sisters don't act one thing like aunts to my kids, and one is so hyper-aunt like to the other's children that I practically have to take a number to speak to my nieces and nephews.

It's a highly out of balance family that breaks my heart and confuses the hell out of me in that one faction of the family acts like they're living heaven on earth. I have spoken to my mother in law about it and she just can't deal with reality. She lives in her own mind. She isn't going to change. We're talking about a woman who goes to Idaho for weeks every three months to see extended Mormon family there while not even considering inviting her grandchildren over who live right here by her. My father in law is even worse. He just plain doesn't exist at all in our world and I don't think it occurs to him. He's always "busy". Church, work, and an odd obsession with attending every local high school sport game he can. Sometimes I think he is borderline mentally retarded.

It hurts to have great kids and have them have not a single aunt or uncle who acts like they are one. My family is no better and they don't have Mormonism to blame. SO, we do what we can to create our own "family" of friends and experiences. It's a bummer, but it just is.

I am getting very very near to a place where all my many years of sucking it up and putting up with the shunning and the disinterest is going to just explode. I'd hate to have it happen in the cultural hall next to the punch bowl.

I just don't understand how these women can seem so happy while they seem to go to such lengths to withhold love, affection, interest, human decency to us. Are they really happy? I mean, they seem REALLY HAPPY. Why do I feel like the bad guy? I feel like, in my husband's family, even in my family, I'm the only one who is really bothered by the elephant in the room. And I'm getting REALLY BOTHERED.

Anyway, we're not waiting outside the temple for this sister who will expect us there even though we're not wanted in her life. I can scarcely fathom going to even the reception.

I am sorry that you are in this situation. My family is weird like that even though they aren't Mormon (I was). It's strange for me to have nieces and nephews that don't even know what I look like. They shower affection on some and ignore others.

You are right, though... if you think it's going to come to a head at the ceremony/reception, stay away. Then they will consider THAT the great excuse to be ignoring you regardless of how long it's been happening.

I just feel for you... my family is so crazy like that. :(

No, seriously, they probably don't know what they're doing. Mormons are somehow carelessly rude and don't even know it. They may not be reciprocating because--from what I've seen--anyway, so many Mormons are willfully clueless and ill-mannered.

As for forgiving them, I was just saying that because it fits with the Bible verse. I'm not really necessarily saying you should. I don't believe in any of it anymore and don't believe that forgiveness is necessary for my salvation.

Do we have the same in-laws? That is exactly how my in-laws treat me and my children. I stopped making an effort years ago. Tired of my efforts not being reciprocated. They are awful people.

Sorry to hear you have to deal with this too.

We have some of the same issue with my Pentecostal family. It is very upsetting for my mother, who was raised completely Pentecostal. My sister and I, raised one foot in and one foot dancing up a storm, take it differently and are more annoyed and mad than sad about it.
My take on it is to create your own family. I don't know of many people that will change in this regard. It sucks but I personally don't enjoy spending time with people that are looking down their noses at me and imagining how my time in hell will be.

We must all have the same in laws....mind forgot their son had two boys before we were divorced....the boys weren't raised mormons do they didn't count..we're meeting remarried and we'll see how long they remember their catholic grandsons.

Ask advice from the board is build our own family..and don't worry about them. Something I've done for the years of no bd cards , easter cards..nothing..the boys hardly knew they had grandparents.

But that doesn't stop the hurting for your good kids who get nothing. Mormons can be clueless non thinking people..or they do it on purpose..either way it ducks.

What can I say? Just go your own way, they won't chamfer.

stormy

My family and I have a VERY strained relationship and I don't see that as likely to change in any significant manner. But my children and I are VERY close and my children's spouses and I are very close too. I think that my grandchildren will be the same way. And that works for us. :)

Fantastic post--beautifully written. You should save it and read it again in a year. A lot of similarities for me. I love that you are not going to wait outside of the temple. I wouldn't go to the reception either. I would enjoy the ones who love you and do something else.

I made a decision years ago when I was a very rejected youth, that I would never be the one with my nose pressed up against the window, wanting to be let in. Never be the puppy with the wagging tail that is about to be kicked and doesn't know it. I would have my own great party even if it was only a party of one. I think I know how you feel and why you're done.

I don't know what you should do, but I left part of my family and friends behind the way I left the church behind. It felt good. I know that sounds extreme. It was as freeing to realize that they didn't love me as it was to realize the church was not true, which for me was instantly euphoric. However, in my case it was not children and I think the parent child relationship changes the game more than anything else, so I wouldn't even comment.

In these family situations it really seems that there are no right answers--so good luck. Go with your gut, but if you do go to the reception and explode,and I hope you don't, please, you've got to tell us about it.

It never occured to me that mormon friends or family would consider staying close once I decided to leave their church. I knew it wouldn't do any good to keep my nose at the window waiting. So like you I didn't wait or pine away for what could not be.

It's been well worth it to be free of the cult and all of its trappings and restraints.

There is an answer to this. I was invited to the reception for my daughter convert, but since I was barred from the wedding I boycotted it all.
The same thing happened with my daughter's youngest daughter who married in the temple. No ceremony, no reception, no gift.
Later, the oldest granddaughter married a non Mormon, so we all got to participate and party together.
It only took 30 years.
Librarian

You made my day that you did that. I always tread lightly giving advice, but I have boycotted a lot. Just last month on my neice-- no ceremony, no reception, no gift. You boycotting your own daughters wedding is amazing and that you still feel its the answer makes you my cup of tea.

They are biological family and that is all. They are not family in the true sense of the word. I think it is time to let go...explain to the kids how Mormons function - it is "be with us or we are against you". I am so sorry they are so disfunctional but you are right.....they won't be changing.

I am glad you are making your own family fun. I am sure you can find some people who would love to be "grandparents" to your kids. With a little explanation others can help you find a pair of loving grandparent types and I think you would all benefit. IT would help you let go of the toxic people for good. You have done your part including explaining your feelings but they just don't think you are worthy. Of course it is them that will be surprised on judgement day.

Oh and I would NEVER wait outside a Temple for any wedding- child of mine, nephew, anyone! they are so arrogant. All Mormons need some lessons from JC which they apparently don't get.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/29/2011 12:55PM by honestone.

Good post. This question of whether or not to boycott or cave in, submit, and cater to Mormons' monopolizing of family ceremonies, life threshold events, and rites of passage is one that stresses a lot of people, angers them, and maddens many of us who have family who are in thrall to the cult.

I personally will not attend any church functions. Even going to a son's mormon eagle court of honor can be extremely irritating because of course the church uses it as a way to legitimate itself and to further its own goals of public PR and priesthood indoctrination.

We moved out of Utah and across the country after rejecting Mormonism; away to TBM family and into the welcoming arms of my loving nevermo family. After about ten years of trying to keep contact and doing all the 'family' stuff with little to no reciprocity (and much complaining on my part) it ocurred to me that we should be THANKFUL, for the sake of our kids that there was little to no contact. Who needs em? ..certainly not us. Why should we complain when the situation, created by the TBMs themselves, ensured they would not be able to influence our kids. As I said, be thankful. God is good.

TBM MIL SILs and nieces gush all over on FB like you wouldn't believe. It's all so bizarre! But don't sweat it...be thankful you are out of the pathological loop!

out

Your husband is an orphan. Accept that and live your lives accordingly.

And stay off facebook - why keep doing somthing that you know upsets you?

Sincerity & Geunine emotions: caring, being willing to support someone, etc.

Just look at "friendships" when (ward) boundaries change...ZIP!

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. Jean Giraudoux (1882 - 1944)

My oldest daughter, whom I raised well and who loves me dearly, would never intentionally offend me.

So it took the full corrupting power of religion to make her tell me to my face that I was unworthy to be at her wedding. For the record, I am completely worthy: I am a great father and a true family man. I have no history of scandal or failing. But I am an atheist.

She is under the influence of a mind control powerful enough to make her ignore her true feelings so she can stay in lockstep with her dogma.

Two years later, I am still smarting with the pain of her denunciation. I feel betrayed.

nanoron I know how you feel. My DH and I experienced what you have.

Our only daughter married in the temple 27 years ago and recently one of our grandchildren did too. This fall it looks like there will be another one.

I hoped the policy would be changed before the grandchildren started getting married. Didn't happen. And now I just feel defeated. It hurts and it's just wrong.

Just wanted to tell you that you're right about the pain and feeling betrayed. And tell you to try to stay as close as you can anyway. I wanted to be an example of a person outside tscc that is happy and good to maybe make them question what they are taught about needing the "gospel" to be happy and good. Who knows? It might just work for you. It's been so many years for my family that like I said earlier...I just feel defeated right now.

That is awful. I am sorry the church has brainwashed your daughter. It is ironic that a person's child could say he is unworthy, but then hit up the old man for cash when a big, unexpected bill comes due. Your money is "worthy" of keeping their Mormon household running, and of course they would probably tithe on it!

My daughter converted too. I just don't get kids who allow the "organization" to sway them into Temple marriage and exclude their own parents. How can a grp of people be so arrogant!!!OH, that's right. It's a cult. I feel for ya. I was lucky. My daughter hadn't converted yet when she married, so it was a civil wedding. No mormons in attendance talked to me at the site - golf course wedding. They didn't look at it as a real wedding. No one of them commented on how beautiful she was - strapless gown and all. It was sad how they acted. But everyone else had a wonderful time.

And we all know the Mormons...they get them to that temple for the weird rituals in due time. She converted three yrs. after marriage. I cried that night. I knew she was in there having what she thought would be a "spiritual" experience. It was raining here that night and it never rains here. So I knew it was God crying.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/30/2011 12:01PM by honestone.

You would not take this treatment from a stranger on the street, why would you take it from your family? I have a mother in law(husbands step mother) who dotes on her daughters (husbands half sisters) children like there is no tomorrow. She hates me. Why? Really, I have no clue. She does not call my kids for their birthdays, Christmas is a gift card for X amount to a store. The other kids, they get these gifts that many kids would go nuts for. And its not because we live out of state, because so does one of the sisters and she pays postage for them. On the other hand, my husbands Mom and his step dad (who just passed away) are the exact opposite.
I am sorry that your kids are going through this, but if I can suggest that you and husband take that day and go and do something fun, with your kids. Go away for the weekend. Take the money that you would have spent on them and spend it on your family. Treat yourself.
Remember that family comes in many different forms. Not always biological.

Me again. I contributed yesterday but this one just sticks in my mind.

There is a thing in life that disgusts me more than anything else and many mormons are virtuoso at it. They are shallow and phony like your in-laws, but they are expert at being just "nice" enough to show the world that they are the bigger person in the "difficult situation of having exmos in the family."

What this means is that they are treating you in a demeaning manner but doing it subtly enough that you would look bad if you called them on it or did anything but just take it. The jabs are just benign enough that any response you make makes
YOU look bad, not them.

"What me?, no, I have no problem with you. I am a Mormon and we are filled with love". That is what is engraved in the knife in your back.

I would not go to the wedding reception and cut off all contact. If they contact you, I would tell them that you won't be seeing them anymore because you don't want your children exposed to anyone who doesn't understand what real love is. I would say nothing more, not get into it at all and keep your distance.

The next move is theirs, and if they make it, you only accept it if it is genuine and you will know.