i am ready to be done

i wasnt happy when i was in the church, i'm not happy now that i'm out of it

i try to lose weight but alcohol and food are the only things that like me

i'm going to live in my cubicle working graveyard for the rest of my life

please someone end me, i am too much of a coward and too weak to end myself

Then it is not the Mormon church that is your problem. Could I guess at a clinical depression? If so you should seek medical help.

I used to work in Cubicle Nation also. It was soulless and depressing, even though I made good money. I used to sit and fantasize about being outside hiking.

I finally quit. I then made almost nothing, but I lived like I wanted (or closer). I think working in an office setting will kill you unless you get out and do things in your spare time.

Once you start getting outside, walking, biking, hiking or whatever you can do, the weight issues start being cured. You feel better mentally and can then make decision to further your life in better ways.

Good luck, but you can do it. And you're the only one who can do it. Change comes through action.

Getting outside is very theraputic. Lostinutah has some good suggestions.

Life can be tough, no question about it. But it does go through cycles of good times/bad times. If a change needs to be made, however, it's up to you to make it.

Don't just sit there being depressed. Talk to your M.D. and see if s/he can help you to get turned around.

You might consider getting a pet. Their unconditional love might be very comforting to you. If you get a cute, friendly dog, you'll meet lots of people when you walk it.

How long have you been out of the church?

Can you think of one person you love, who depends on you?

I think it is fine to post here. It appears you are asking for help.

Whatever is going on, these feelings will not last. There is always a reason to live.

i've been out for three years, june will make the fourth

i can try talking to my family about this, my parents i guess. we've become more and more distanced anyway. even when i had these issues developing and i lived with them they basically said "stop being a bitch". i don't want to bug anyone because i realize we all have different lives.

i really don't feel like there is a point anymore. i don't meet new people with the hours i work. i'm not an interesting person. women would rather be away from me. women don't want some fat oaf. women hate me

One of the most fun guys that I ever dated was overweight. He was so much fun to be around that none of the girls cared. He had a really zippy little sports car and was always dashing off to one place or another. He would greet you with a big smile and a joke, and then he would have some enthusiastic suggestions for fun activities.

Take care of your depression and don't worry about your weight. The pounds tend to come off anyway when you're feeling good about yourself to begin with.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/29/2011 10:02AM by summer.

as others have said, getting to a therapist, if this is possible.

Short of that, and based on what you said about food and booze being your only friends, I will also suggest looking up AA or OA. AA has meetings at all hours. I don't buy into the 12-step approach myself, but I know several people who use those meetings as a way to connect with other human beings, be heard and not judged. It might be a good place to start, especially because, like I said, they meet at all hours.

I am not calling you an addict, but I think 12 step can be a place to help a man turn around. I went to a few meetings before, and found it very peaceful. I have often observed that men have trouble making connections with their community in the way that women can. Especially in this age, it is easy to feel isolated. And life can be overwhelming.

Take a day this week and insist on doing something you really enjoy, without having it be focused on comfort food or drinking.

Don't underestimate the importance of gaining a real, significant CONNECTION to your world. So that you know where I am coming from, here is my story, in short:

Two years ago my wife walked out with my darling son when I left the church. Letting go of the church was itself painful because I no longer had easy answers. My lifelong best friend (sibling), cut off all contact with me, as did most of the members of my family. 8 months later, I was fired from an extremely lucrative job.

How did I make it? I searched for connections. I went to a good therapist about once a month, tried out various kinds of church meetings, and indulged in an old hobby - singing in the choir. My need to sing led me to the Unitarian church, who accepted me completely and genuinely and didn't require any beliefs. I now have more peace in my life than I ever have, in spite of pain.

In short:

1. Take a break and take care of yourself for a day. Don't waste it feeling guilt or longing. Spend an entire day focused on the present moment, and let go of the fear of being inadequate or alone. You are enough. As soon as you recognize that, everything will go more smoothly.

2. Make CONNECTIONS - that is the essence of the human life. Without it, we are reduced to animals. So, you don't have any sexual partners lined up right now? Bummer! But really, so what? Neither do I! And I am an (arguably attractive) 30 year-old with two degrees from top universities and a solid job. I don't have a mate right now because it is not the right time. Now is my time to be single. There are things I need to do for myself RIGHT NOW to be happy with ME. So I focus on the present moment, and I try to reach outside myself every time I can. And, unlike when I was a bit younger, I try not to make these connections about landing a mate.

I hope some of this helps.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/29/2011 10:24AM by rogertheshrubber.

Is something a lot of us understand. That is how most of us are treated when we voice concerns about TSCC.

I also think that people need to embrace being single. If no one is available, I'll take myself out to a movie or a concert. It felt a bit strange when I first started doing it, but I think nothing of it now. I don't stop living my life just because I'm single.

So much training in Mormonism values our ability to find a mate. I can still access the hate and self loathing montra of being single and unworthy of anyones love. What a mess that is.... and untrue. You have to find new voices in your head to think and drown out those old mean voices. Working over night sucks cubicle work sucks.... I do it. I remind myself why I do it.... because I make a decent income the job itself is not so bad and there are hundreds of jobs I would like worse. I would hate to be an on call surgeon for example. I get oogy around blood. Finally you have talked yourself into being helpless about your situation. Sink or swim.... you have choices and you chose this. Feeling stuck is depression. Figure out why what you are doing is by choice. Own it and you'll feel better.... own it or change things so you can change your life. At least, I remind myself I am not in some third world nation scraping by..... funny thing is when people have to struggle harder to live they don't have time to get depressed. Depression is a luxury of a successful society. You have some self work Tori. And you are worth the investment..... I work tech with a bunch of fatties who I adore. Please be kind to yourself. Hugs

Woman here. My husband would qualify as a "fat oaf." He's also a huge Dungeons & Dragons nerd, addicted to video games, loves porn, not a handy man at all.

I wouldn't have him any other way.

Personally, I prefer big men - they give awesome bear hugs. Generally they also realize that none of us are perfect, and they're more forgiving about women who have weight issues.

I think the two thing that are most important to help you are-

- Any hobby that you love, regardless of how afraid you are of having it called stupid by someone else, you should embrace. Find something, anything, that allows you to relax. If possible, try to do something that involves being around people. But if your preferred hobby is solitary, that's okay too. THe important thing is to find something you find relaxing.

- Talk to your doctor. Let him/her know you've been very depressed and have had brushes with suicidal behavior. Asking for help is not weakness - it's strength. Be completely honest with him/her. You may need to see someone who can give you some guidance and perspective on how you react to the world so you can redevelop some skills that have gone askew.

Please consider seeing a counselor. Depression is a very difficult thing to wrestle with, especially if you don't have anyone to talk to about what's keeping you down.

I promise that things can get better. Just hang in there and seek help. You're definitely worth it.

I can understand the graveyard thing. I too have been working graveyard and 12 hour shifts for the last year or so now. It's tough to have a real life with a work schedule like that. The key for me is to focus on the things I enjoy, and make the most of the time I do get. Even if it's just simple things I do alone. Getting outside to walk, hike, ride a bike, etc all help with both the weight and your attitude. I highly suggest finding something like that you can do.

I was where you are a little over 2 years ago. I was ready to call it quits and end it all. It gets better. Now I'm happier than I've been in many, many years.

Hang on. Counseling and/or medication may help. I didn't do either, however. I came up with a plan for my life that included doing things that I love, things that really bring me happiness and joy.

Many of us understand your frame of mind because we've been there, so you have lots of supportive, understanding people here.

(((((Hugs))))) and take care of YOU!

I've struggled with depression for the last 15 years--and I've had the exact same thoughts you have. I'm one of those people that if I'm not busy every second of every day, I fall into depression pretty easily. The last two years have been bad because I got married and moved to a small town where I have NO support network (acquaintances, but not friends) and can't do the things I love the most and that keep the depression at bay.

Find a counselor, or go to the hospital. There's nothing wrong with asking for help, or admitting that you can't do it on your own. They've helped me see that I HAVE to exercise EVERY DAY (no matter what--even missing one day, without those endorphins, I sink incredibly low) I HAVE to be in the sunshine every day (a challenge here in Montana) I HAVE to take my vitamins every day (anti depressants didn't work well for me) I'm a depression eater, so I don't let my husband bring any junk food into the house (or if he does, he has to hide it so I don't know its there) I struggle with the weight thing too, especially because of the depression.

Depression is a lifelong battle. There are good days, and there are bad days.

If you need to talk, you can email me at phsmystique@hotmail.com

cubicle work beats the hell out of low wage manual labor.
count your blessings

One other thing - all humans have tendencies towards addictions, and when you feel bad, you need something to make you feel better even more than usual, so you eat and drink. It's totally normal.

The best thing, since we're all addictive (all mammals are if given the chance), is to acknowledge that fact and get yourself addicted to something that's good for you. If you can kick being addictive, all the better, but most of us can't.

Exercise is a better addiction than food or alcohol, as long as you don't take it too far. Even then, it's better, IMO. It makes you feel great and also very empowered. Once you feel empowered, you act that way and people respond.

You can start this by just walking for 40 minutes a day. It will make a difference.

You will be amazed at the difference it makes and your doctor can check your blood levels and let you know when you're getting closer to normal levels.

All I can say is that I know how you feel because I've had those exact same feelings but I also know that everything can change. Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Right now you can't see anything better, any hope or any solution BECAUSE you're depressed and it locks you into a negative mindset. So please try to take the word of those of us who have been there when we assure you that it CAN get better.

And the advice on sunlight and excersize and vitamins are great too.

Good luck, it's an awful place to be in, I know, but I believe that you can and will get better.

I don't really know what will work in your situation, cause I am not living with the same circumstances. I will say that I am extremely apathetic towards life sometimes and have no motivation for things. I used to want to conquer the world until Mormonism got in the way. I for sure want to say that eating healthy and exercising WILL make you feel better. Even though it seems like a no-brainer, it is so crucial for feeling better, weight issues aside. I actually don't have any weight issues, but I used to get addicted to working out to the point of obsession. I think it was a symptom of sexual repression, according to online theories. I got to the point of wanting to work out when I would see a girl that I was attracted to and such. It's not an end-all, be-all solution. You're lucky in that girls go for guys with personality more than looks a lot more than is the case for guys. Think how a girl must feel. Everyone has issues. I was lucky that for a while, I was mentored by a guy who was and is very successful with the lady folk. He just knew how to socialize and how to be fun. You truly DO have to work on it. Looks mean absolutely nothing when everything else is working right. It might take a while for some people to realize, but they'll come back to you time and time again if you show you're worth it. One of the videos that I like about living the way you want is a youtube video about self-actualization. Learn to live in the moment. Having a great personality takes true effort. I would know, cause I had it once after a long uphill battle. I still have it, but it's buried under my problems tied to the church and that prevents me from being happy enough to be comfortable making and keeping friends or even having a girlfriend. Also remember that depression is sometimes easily cured through external sources, like once again, exercise. I have anger and anxiety issues that are just as bad probably and I don't think those are easily curable unless my situation in regard to Mormonism clears up. It won't. Closing that door seems to be my only solution, but it's not likely without my parents' acceptance. Maybe that's what you need. I don't think that would happen easily, if at all, if I know anything about Mormons. Even when things are good, it always resurfaces and bites me and then kicks me down. Try to find the source of your problems and fix the source, if you can. I'm not saying you are capable, cause I don't know if I am, but I do know how my problems work. Best of luck to you. Mormonism is a bitch.

I don't offer the whole solution, but I recommend a tea habit. Consuming hot anything is soothing. A happy stomach doesn't use as much of your serotonin reserves. Hot tea is low cal until you load it up with cream, sugar, honey, etc.

I like chamomile best, but I found that anxiety I was unaware of was causing my depression, so the calming effects of chamomile work well for me. On night shift you may want to try one with caffeine. But there are a huge variety of teas: stimulating, calming, relaxing, poop-making, you name it, there's a tea for it!

Making tea is a small ritual, just like preparing to eat is, and you get a belly full of satisfying warmth, but without as many calories as food.



Aside from tea, see someone for help coping! And not your family, if all you get is, "Quit yer bitchin!"

I personally prefer a cube job, I like no contact with people, but for the more social humans it can be a mental death trap.
And like ditch digger says, it still beats perpetual manual labor.

Like others have said, counseling, medication if necessary, and perhaps a HOBBY! I'm a geek, and have several hobby interests that aren't that expensive (and one that is). Find a passion, and work for that, if your work isn't your passion.

of all of us at one time or another: down in the dumps, having a pity party--- it reminds me of the camp song we used to sing:
"Everybody hates me, nobody loves me, think I'll go eat worms...."

Song Lyrics & Words
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
I think I'll go eat worms!
Big fat juicy ones,
Eensie weensy squeensy ones,
See how they wiggle and squirm!

Down goes the first one, down goes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm!
Up comes the first one, up comes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm!

I bite off the heads, and suck out the juice,
And throw the skins away!
Nobody knows how fat I grow,
On worms three times a day!

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
I think I'll go eat worms!
Big fat juicy ones,
Eensie weensy squeensy ones,
See how they wiggle and squirm!


That song usually cured me of my temporary blues! :-)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/29/2011 01:09PM by SusieQ#1.

Are you fucking serious? Take a good look at how you are responding to people. Tell your caregiver what you are writing on here.

Been there, believe me. I'll be on meds the rest of my life, but they do make life livable. I only can echo the comments of the other posters to seek professional help. And to recognize your own value (as hard as that is right now). And to be kind to yourself.

For what it's worth, this site is the best place to just bitch, so feel free to express that!
The cubicle is soul-sucking, no doubt about it.
I've been fortunate to find some great hobbies with personal significance, but it was a search.
Taking care of one-self takes a step at a time, but it's so worth it.

In the words of my little niece, "Being dead is boring."

No one knows what comes after this life. But I do think those words that have been uttered by so many so often, "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" are true.

I feel depressed and like I would rather be "ended" at times too. Not long after leaving the church it was very serious. Find some reason to smile, see a counselor. Don't worry about women, as you become happier with yourself they will find you.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Stay here with us.

Talk more with us.

It'll get better, swear it, and yeah I have been there.

Your value has been handed to you.

You were told what you were worth by liars and manipulators.

You have a chance, give it just a few days and pleas post again.

Talk to you soon!