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Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: November 13, 2017 10:14PM

Your Horoscope — Week Of November 7, 2017

This would be a bad week to leave your mansion, seeing as how you’ve betrayed about half of the people of Wisconsin.

True love will careen into your life without warning next week, spin you around, take your breath away, dislocate your elbow, shatter your femur, and move on without having noticed you.

When all’s said and done, it’s our experiences that make us who we are. However, that doesn’t explain why you’re assistant manager of the produce department.

There are some kinds of pain that never go away, but after all these years you’d think they’d come up with a way to get that lobster to let go of your nose.

You will never be able to explain to anyone’s satisfaction how all those chickens could just appear out of nowhere.

Your fear of change means that spending the next few centuries in a block of ice will be extremely soothing, at least until the New Reformed Xalfraxian Alliance thaws you out.

You’ll never again hear a negative word spoken of you, thanks to your sweet nature and an unfortunate incident with a pair of explosive earbuds.

It’s unclear whether you’re going to murder ice cream men or become an ice cream man and murder people, but the stars are pretty certain you’re going to be known as the Ice Cream Man Murderer.

You’ve never asked anybody for anything in your life, which may be why those expectant waiters have been following you around for years.

You’ll become a victim of boredom in the workplace when the technicians figure out a way to make your x-rays a lot more interesting.

Although roughly 70 percent of the Earth’s surface is covered by water, that still doesn’t explain why you have to be rescued from drowning all the time.

You don’t know why people are so freaked out by your collection of bloody children’s underwear. After all, it says Museum of Bloody Children’s Underwear right on the hand-painted sign on your house.

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: November 13, 2017 10:15PM

Oh fuck! I’m screwed :)

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Posted by: MeM ( )
Date: November 13, 2017 11:58PM

Thanks. That's at least as specific as my patriarchal blessing!

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Posted by: captainklutz ( )
Date: November 13, 2017 11:59PM

Oh please...not the freakin' Xalfraxian's AGAIN????

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Posted by: Aquarius123 ( )
Date: November 14, 2017 12:01AM

Those are great! And, they're real! A million thanks!

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Posted by: donbagley ( )
Date: November 14, 2017 12:33AM

I'm a Libra, and that's my blood.

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Posted by: luckylucas ( )
Date: November 14, 2017 03:26AM

I'm Sagittarius, F#ck!

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Posted by: Badassadam1 ( )
Date: November 14, 2017 01:02PM

What is Love?!! Baby don't hurt me. Haha

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Posted by: luckylucas ( )
Date: November 15, 2017 12:06AM


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Posted by: itzbeen20 ( )
Date: November 14, 2017 07:06AM


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Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: November 14, 2017 09:06AM

You could take the text from each "sign," shuffle it around to another "sign," and there would still be people saying, "Yep, that's exactly how my week turned out! Amazing!"

But you knew that, Dave...:)

By the way, I'm not the manager of the produce department...

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: November 14, 2017 09:12AM

Thanks for the laugh! :D

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Posted by: GregS ( )
Date: November 14, 2017 09:13AM

I still have a dislocated elbow and shattered femur to look forward to.

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: November 14, 2017 11:02AM

Thanks, Dave!

I've been waiting months for this! Now I have some direction in my life!

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Posted by: Badassadam1 ( )
Date: November 14, 2017 12:59PM

Pretty accurate, i am a cancer and i used to rather die then ask for help, and it still sucks when i have had to do it especially recently. The stubborn badass soon to be a cancer to the mormon church.

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Posted by: laperla not logged in ( )
Date: November 14, 2017 01:58PM

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