Recovery Board  : RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum. 
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In
Posted by: Badassadam1 ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 03:39PM

Do not tell my counselor i came on here but this might be important that i just discovered. I had no clue what anxiety really was till recently so i am medicated now but anyways i noticed something. Being around people that talk about anything mormon related raises the anxiety for me like an escalator in the chest. And so i realized that ALL mormon talk scientifically creates anxiety in me. I was just sitting in a waiting room and all the sudden hear the words "bishop", "ward funds", "stake presidency", and hooly sh#t my anxiety just went through the f#cking roof. This explains why i get anxiety when i read mormon subjects on here god damn. So i figured out there is a connection between the two things. So basically keep staying away from mormons if you can, they only speak mormon talk which causes in anxiety in possibly some of us. Well i really have to get out of here before i get anxious later.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: summer ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 05:07PM

Having spent a lot of time around a highly anxious person, I know that it can be very disabling. I'm glad that you are getting help for it. I think there is a type of therapy that can desensitize you to whatever is making you anxious. It might be worth bringing it up with your therapist.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 05:20PM

Good to hear from you, though.
Take care Adam.

Edited to spell *hear* correctly.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/02/2017 12:20AM by kathleen.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: fordescape ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 05:30PM

Hey Badass,

I have to be medicated for anxiety. There is no shame in that.
Take care of yourself. I'm an exmo for a reason.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 07:02PM

I’m proud of you Badass! Thanks for the emails! Da Bone.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 07:39PM

Thanks for sharing your insight.

Knowledge is power.

The more you preoccupy your time with things other or non-Mo, you'll eventually notice a shift where your attention span spends less and less time on the Mormon mindset, and can focus on your life sans Mormonism.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: donbagley ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 08:14PM

My anxiety is at the level where I have to take medication for it.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Anon for this ( )
Date: December 06, 2017 04:22AM

Many decades of anxiety built up from an abusive childhood and an abusive first marriage left me pretty wobbly.

Anti-anxiety medications gave me the first relief I had from the knotted-up stomach, ready to burst out screaming feeling that I had when I felt really up-tight. It certainly beats alcohol or other attempts at self-medication.

I don't consider it a weakness to use the medication that makes me feel like a normal human instead of an expolosive device that could detonate at any provocation.

I'm a lot nicer and more mellow than I used to be. And I LIKE the person I have become.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Badassadam1 ( )
Date: December 07, 2017 01:43AM

I won't say i totally feel normal but i have not felt this normal in a long time.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: GayLayAle ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 08:54PM

As someone who has suffered with chronic, clinical, debilitating anxiety most of his life, I can completely empathize with what you’re going through. It’s often so difficult for people who don’t experience panic attacks and what I lovingly refer to as the “Enormous Rabid Butterflies Making Whoopie In My Tummy”, but despite that nickname, the fear is very real. I don’t know about anyone else, but part of what is so scary about my anxiety is that 90% of the time, there’s no rhyme or reason for it, and nothing outwardly triggering it. I can be happy as a pig in its own plop one minute, and the next moment I’m curled up in the fetal position shaking and sweating and crying. I hope you’re able to find some peace and respite from your fears, and I can tell you firsthand, RfM and its community of incredible people have been my salvation more times than I can count.

Wishing you as much luck as possible.


Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: StillAnon ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 09:43AM

"Do not tell my counselor i came on here but this might be important that i just discovered. "

Nobody is going to "tell your counselor". But, you should. What's the point of going to counseling and ignoring their advice? And then posting about it? Seems counterproductive.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 03:11PM

but I've had it for a long time. I kind of bulldoze through things, but when I found myself suicidal when a bishop was e-mailing me his testimony is when I went and asked what the hell was going on and was diagnosed with PTSD. I still don't recognize what is happening when I have PTSD triggers. It takes me a while to step back and say "this isn't logical."

But I have anxiety over many things, even going to walk the dogs. I had a lady yell at me 1-1/2 years ago for walking by her house (I know the bitch and had always been kind to her) and now I walk my dogs away from homes, but still as I go to get in the car to go, I am forcing myself to do it. Can't let the dogs down! The way they look at me.

I'm going with my kids and ex to Disneyland on Friday and I'm forcing myself not to think about the trip. I had a really bad experience driving to DL years ago with my kids and my sister's kids. BUT any time I step out the door, I have panic. If the doorbell rings, I have panic. Another story about that one.

My brother and son deal with extreme anxiety and they don't think I have it because I just keep going and doing, but I have to make myself do these things. I do much better if my boyfriend or my ex are along with me.

My panic attacks usually happen at night. One night, I kept going in and out the back door and my son finally asked me what I was doing. I told him I had to be outside during panic attacks and I didn't want to go out, so I kept changing my mind. As fearful as I am of something happening at night (be a single mother with 2 children), when I have a panic attack, I go outside no matter what time of night. Luckily, I now have Xanax for those times, but my prior doctor wouldn't give me anything.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/02/2017 03:13PM by cl2.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 04:20PM

Cl2, please get a good checkup. My mom had what she called "spells" and thought it was agoraphobia. She was having small heart attacks.

Not to be alarming, or to discount trauma that you've experienced, but please make sure all else is ok.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: adoylelb ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 03:28PM

I also have an anxiety disorder and PTSD from being in an abusive marriage. I spent years in therapy and was on medication briefly to help me get through the worst of the PTSD, but I still get the occasional anxiety attack or PTSD flashback. Since some of that is triggered by being around Mormons as my ex-husband was Mormon, this board is one of the ways I help get through those moments. I still would go back into therapy if I feel it's necessary, but for now, I can function without it. I also say that there's no shame in medication as for me, it saved my life.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/02/2017 03:28PM by adoylelb.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Badassadam1 ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 06:45PM

I thought getting triggered and anxiety were the same but i think they are different but one is connected to the other. I think PTSD and anxiety go hand in hand. It definitely feels like butterflies and a panic in the chest. But after 3 days on a medication i sat through an entire card tournament without panicking inside i almost felt like a normal human being. Like i said i had no clue what anxiety really was i just thought i was getting triggered a lot. Thanks for the support its hard to admit you are scared of some things deep within. Badass out and boner you are a motherf#cking hero. F#ck the snow when it falls haha the very cold badass.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: GayLayAle ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 10:58PM

Which medication did the trick for you?

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Badassadam1 ( )
Date: December 04, 2017 12:25PM

Well i wouldn't say completely did the trick it makes me a little loopy but it can make me feel somewhat normal in large crowds. It is call buspirone hcl.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: GayLayAle ( )
Date: December 06, 2017 10:39AM

If so, I was on that for awhile a few years ago. It really helped for awhile but didn’t last more than a few months, even when I was on the higher end of the clinical dose. I take Cymbalta and Lamictal now. After almost 2 decades of trying every medication combos under the sun, this one has been the best so far.

Also, for depression, I found something that has literally changed my life. Every 2 weeks, I have a 2 hour infusion of Ketamine. Yes, THAT Ketamine. It’s apparently been under a lot of research for its depression and anxiety treatment properties. The FDA has already (in a limited way- but it’s progressing) approved it for that purpose. Hard to believe a medication that was once used as a veterinary tranquilizer could hold the key to treating chronic clinical depression and anxiety. It’s been like night and day.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Badassadam1 ( )
Date: December 06, 2017 02:14PM

Hmmm i have been on cymbalta for a couple months but it doesn't do sh#t for this anxiety by itself but i am pretty pleased with the combo with the anxiety med so far. It might be buspar i don't know just read the name on the bottle.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: [|] ( )
Date: December 07, 2017 03:41AM

Buspar is the brand name of buspirone.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: readwrite ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 06:59PM

I'm anxious to see what becomes of this.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: StillAnon ( )
Date: December 03, 2017 12:15AM

Me too.Pins and needles.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Badassadam1 ( )
Date: December 04, 2017 12:31PM

You actually helped me discover this and i appreciate it, your dedication to me is paying off i guess. I did not know what the f#ck was going on apparently anxiety can be severe but i just thought it was called getting triggered.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: StillAnon ( )
Date: December 04, 2017 01:38PM

Good. You're figuring out that you have a lot more control than you thought you did. You, and only you, will set the course for your life here out. Please stop resisting people's advice that really mean well. It may not be what you want to hear, but it's probably advice that can benefit you. Learn how to not get triggered from stuff that you don't agree with.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: mannaz ( )
Date: December 07, 2017 01:36AM

Anxiety guy here with a bit of depression tossed in from time to time. Wife also. Kids likewise. We’re a tad OCD as well. Actually relatively functional for being in academia. Anyhow, adult thing to do is get help. Take medication if suggested to at least get in a place where therapy can help. You do this for the people you love and who love you. Along the way you’ll begin feeling better. In our family OCD and anxiety started to get in the way of doing things for one of our kids. Took them to psychiatrist. Wife and I looked at materials in waiting room, then looked at each other, and figured out we needed to take care of ourselves if we were going to take care of our kids.

Last word. Remember, you are only human.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Mother Who Knows ( )
Date: December 07, 2017 04:22AM

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD, resulting from being tortured and beaten as a child by my school-bully older brother, and then getting married in the temple to a con-man, who beat me almost every day (for no reason), until I finally escaped and divorced him. Horrors, and nightmares!

Mormonism played a central role in all the abuse. The cult excused and condoned the spankings from my parents. My abusive brother and my husband both went on missions, and were both the darlings of our wards--and still are popular in their new wards. The cult's scriptures (mostly D&C 132) were used as ammunition, screamed at me, by my ex-husband, while he beat me. (Men yelling, and loud low noises are triggers.) These scriptures said I was my husband's "possession", and the temple said I was bound to obey my husband (not God) for all eternity. I felt like I was doomed to Hell, and there was no way out, not even death. On the brink of a suicide attempt, I was shocked into the realization that I wanted to live. Despite the teachings of my cult, there was a way out--divorce!

Mormonism and Mormons and their conversations, and their appearance are among the several triggers for me, too. I went to my grandchild's baptism, and became physically ill, and was sick for 4 days. It's not worth it to miss work. Another trigger is Tatum Channing, who looks exactly like my ex did. I walked out of that movie, and won't go to any of his movies. Problem solved. I won't be around anyone who reminds me of that creep.

Lorazepam helped me. I was not depressed (except on Sundays at the Mormon church), so it didn't make sense to take a pill every day. I took 1/2 mg Lorazepam to help me through the anxiety attacks, and sometimes to sleep at night. It's tricky, because, for me and a lot of people, the actual anxiety attack lasts about 20 minutes, anyway, and it takes almost that long for the drug to take effect. Still, it gave me a crutch. I could control my anxiety. I could calm down enough to think things through, recognize what my specific triggers were, and figure out how to deal with them in everyday life. I also became kinder to myself, and stopped forcing myself into anxiety-producing situations, such as performing on the piano and organ, in front of large crowds, in a church setting. I'm fine playing for the schools, though.

I can never give up working, so it's lucky that I love my job. I am in charge, and no one is in a position to bully me. I can choose who I work with. My office is large, with windows. Part of my job is to keep everyone honest, and that gives me power. Also, my work helps people, which gives me a sense of purpose. With the money I earn, I can pay for a psychiatrist, if I need one.

I also gave up caffeine, and chocolate, because it has caffeine in it. Now, if I eat anything with caffeine in it, I go through the roof--but I recognize that jittery feeling for what it is. Even knowing you aren't in any immediate danger, the anxious feeling is still very unpleasant.

Like cl2, going outside helps me, too! Day or night. If I can't get outside, I look out a window, and I always move away from where I am--go into another room, pace around the house. At a party, I go into a bathroom, and do yoga breathing.

I fear illness, because it makes me weaker and more helpless. My worst beatings happened when I was sick. When I was being beaten and strangled, I stopped breathing a few times, and thought I was dying, as I lost consciousness. I get triggered if I have difficulty breathing.

My ex beat me many times while we were in a locked car, and I couldn't get away from him. (Maybe that's why I need to go outside and walk around, when I'm anxious) I can't be alone in a car with a man I don't know very well. Beatings occurred before and/or after church, before going to the temple, and he injured my jaw very badly at the SLC visitor's center, when he threw me down on the hard floor, in front of the statue of Christ. It was just before closing, and no one was there. Church seemed to set him off. (No, I didn't commit any sins.)

I have no fear of crowds, snakes, heights, getting lost, the dark, horses, animals, speed, earthquakes, storms, water, spiders, needles, public speaking, or abandonment. I'm afraid only of strange men, nightmares, anxiety, and illness--and I probably always will be. It probably isn't a good idea to talk to strange men, anyway, much less get in a car or elevator or dark alley alone with them.

I don't take Lorazepam, anymore, except for surgery and flying. It is addictive, makes me sleepy, and impairs my memory. I need to be alert for work, and for driving, etc.

Knowledge is power! Identify your triggers, and trace them back to their origins. Then you can either avoid them altogether, or deal with them, one at a time. Yes, remembering can be unpleasant, but bringing them into the open makes them lose their power over you. The alternative is to continue suppressing them, and we know that hasn't ever worked.

Therapy definitely helps! What a blessing it is!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Badassadam1 ( )
Date: December 07, 2017 03:29PM

Jesus christ you've been through a lot. I won't even go into the exact details of what happened to me because i know it will just trigger me. But i too can't be alone in a room with another man, especially an older man in an authority position. All my specialists are female because its the only way i will make any progress. I am now learning that i actually have a real choice in life, i don't have to do things to please the church or my family like i was lead to believe. I don't have to answer my door or my phone if i don't want. I too try to get out of vulnerable positions thats why i continually focus on my health non-stop these days, people make fun of me for getting surgery after surgery i don't give a shit they haven't been where i've been. But any lag and i am vulnerable to the abusers that never take a day off and i know this from experience. Anyways the anxiety seems to help, i am not in a panic and quite a ticking time-bomb like i was. My thoughts are less scattered and things make a little more sense. But i can relate a lot to being strangled to death by an adult man three times your size it was some scary shit and i remember it like it was yesterday, still remember the look in his eyes too he wanted to kill me for sure. The church produces abusers like this and my father is one as well. I don't have to bow down to their shit and i need to remember that, their mormon god never f#cking helped me and i always need to remember that. Because there is power for me knowing that not even god gave a sh#t because he was their top guy apparently, their f#cking heavenly father, yea lets just dumb us all down and suppress us like stupid children with the heavenly father talk. All church phrases make me f#cking sick i have f#cking heard it all. And i am f#cking moving to a new location in town as soon as there is an opening in this one community and not telling a d@mn soul where i am going.

Options: ReplyQuote
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In

Screen Name: 
Your Email (optional): 
Spam prevention:
Please, enter the code that you see below in the input field. This is for blocking bots that try to post this form automatically.
 **    **   *******   **     **  **     **  **     ** 
  **  **   **     **   **   **    **   **   **     ** 
   ****    **     **    ** **      ** **    **     ** 
    **      ********     ***        ***     ********* 
    **            **    ** **      ** **    **     ** 
    **     **     **   **   **    **   **   **     ** 
    **      *******   **     **  **     **  **     **