I've read multiple times I'm in my 30s, 40s, 50s and just now discovering the "truths" of the church. I wonder if gender and life situation play a role in this? Women get sucked into motherhood, with or without religion, and their focus is on their children rather than the world around them until the children grow older. I call it the Mom time warp, LOL, when women finally get to focus on themselves and their goals and aspirations, when the kids are older or have left home. In the LDS church this works well if you marry off early and have loads of kids, the time warp is extended with every kid. Being a stay at home mom isolates you from the rest of the world too.

What do you think? If you are in your 30s, 40s or 50s, just now discovering the truth, are you female with children?

No children, yes female!

Being black [not a victim statement] I kept looking around and thinking I CANNOT do this to my children [when I have them]. I just can't.

I also knew I was never going to marry a MORGbot... so the foundation was being laid

MORGdom fills you with useless activities so you don't stop to think about the BS you are being fed.

I am in my early 30s and that is what I credit to discovering the truth.

Time to search, ponder and pray.

I see now why they push you to marry so they can continue to perpetuate the farce!

What AIC wrote was also true, but didn't hit me as hard until I had my 3rd child. The baby was a girl, and because I didn't want to raise her to think she couldn't have all the rights her brothers had, I knew I had to leave.

I had taught "Merry Maids" and the lessons were sexist. They actually teach young girls to worship the Priesthood holder. I would try to think of ways to change the lesson plans, but my daughter may not have a teacher like me.

When I thought about my little boys, Mormonism wasn't fair to them either because of the devisions between the sexs. The Temple Ceremony was disturbing too. Men on one side, women on the other. Really? I was like...what century is this?!

That is where I am, a daughter in YW's, and I don't want her hearing the same crap I did.

Yes I went to YW 2 weeks ago.

I almost cried.

I saw beautiful, girls with sooo much potential for good in the world reduced to temple prep minions,

You have no value but preparing to go to the international house of handshakes so that they can bear children.

And you could already see the neuroses developing...

The depressed
The I am going to rebel the moment I can
The oh I can't wait to find my worth in my hubby!
The overly critical and jaded.

It was sad!

I see why they didn't call me to serve there. I would put ideas into those girls being single and independent and all!

I was in my mid-30s and had recently had a baby. I was tired, I was guilty (because I was having trouble being a perfect housewife while remembering to say my prayers and read my scriptures).

Dare I excuse my dereliction of duty by mentioning that I was having a hard time finding a moment to even take a friggin shower or go to the bathroom without a toddler beating on the door?

I think life deals the truth to people whenever they are ready to see it. I've been on the board for over 10 years, though, and I think I've seen a tendency of people to start thinking for themselves when they are about 40.

I'm glad I like being a mom or I would have gone crazy! Those first five years are HARD!

which finally got me out. A lot of little things bothered me in my early 20s (like who was getting married and who wasn't). I thought--as someone else said the other day--that when I graduated from high school, my RM would be there waiting and I'd get married in the temple, have 8 children, and live happily ever after. I had to find a career as I didn't get married--had opportunities to marry outside the church, but wanted that "guarantee." At age 25, I started to question what the hell was going on--and I started going inactive--which is when I met my husband. When he revealed to me he was gay--then when asking for answers, I was plunged into suicidal depression over the gay issue. The church didn't help at all.

Over the years of our marriage--and a set of twins--I was the one who was UNHAPPY. I went out looking for a job without him knowing. I about lost my mind that first year of being a mom. My kids are 25 and I still can't tolerate hearing a baby cry and I can't tolerate being around toddlers either (though I can say having twins--once they reach 3, they have a permanent friend--at least until they hit about 20--twins are the way to go once they hit 3).

Anyway--both he and I were watching and reading--Steve Benson was big issue. How the church handled us before we married was a big issue. The September 6 were a big issue. Him leaving, cheating while holding positions and nobody HAD A CLUE--him being in line for the next bishop, etc., and knowing my marriage was going to fall apart, I left the church. It took YEARS of inactivity for it to all fall apart after that, but I was just too busy raising kids and working 2 jobs. It happened rather quickly in my 40s, but I went inactive before age 38.

I was NOT HAPPY as a wife and mother. What if I had had more kids? What then. I did all my child rearing in one shot--no stretched out years of 6 children ages 18 to 3 like my mother.

Anyway--I hated being a wife and mother. I love working. I love having my own paycheck. I adore my children, but I am SO GLAD I only had 2. (After high school has been harder than before raising them--so just wait!) My daughter wasn't subjected to YW except a few times when she went with friends, but she went back 100% at age 20 and is over the top TBM, but thank goodness she doesn't worship men or priesthood holders. She has had several chances to marry RMs and broke up with them.

I bought the whole story hook, line, and sinker and it didn't work for me. I can say I have no regrets now, though.

Thanks for sharing your story, this is my favorite part:
"I can say I have no regrets now, though"

I often wonder how things are going to turn out down the road--are my kids going to be mass murderers? Etc. I'm glad to hear things work out, that it's ok, they can develop a moral compass without religion.

I appreciated the part about your husband cheating and being in line for the next Bishop as well. The whole discernment thing really has bothered me for a long time--how can they put utter jerks in positions of power?

that you can take a perfectly good man and put him in a position of power in the LDS church and he turns into an asshole. That has been my experience so far--even with a very, very good friend.

My ex and I are the best of friends now.

It was actually this board who helped me come full circle as when I happened here, I was just back in a relationship with the nonmormon who got away 30 some odd years ago (living with him now)--and I regretted who I married. I've been frequenting this board for 6 years now. I used to think it was gays who had caused the situation I found myself in--but I realized they were as much a victim of mormonism if not more so than I was. I placed the blame where it belonged--on the church leaders. I have this board to thank for that. I'll be 54 in one month and I'm at a very good place.

Jessica, your question resonated with me. From my mid-30s to early 40s I was too busy with babies and preschoolers. In my mid-40s, when I had more time to myself and more energy, I realized I had a lot of unanswered questions about church history and doctrine (I'm a convert.) I decided I had to research these questions for I was a once-fervant believer who'd become a fence-sitter--my hind was starting to hurt! In only took three months of research to find out the truth of things.

I wish now I'd walked away from Mormonism before I was baptized at age 18. But now I have the rest of my life before me, free of its bonds. Better late than never, eh?

Exactly!

(paraphrased from Buddhism)

I know that for myself, I needed to have a lot of experience with many, many situations, what I call: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - in church, work, organizations, etc, and reach a level of maturity and growth before I could make major changes in my belief system and how I lived my life.

I had experienced raising a bunch of kids, experienced being overwhelmed, exhausted, "worked my fingers to the bone" as they say, and I was at a point where they didn't need me like they used to. I could run my own personal business and take care of myself.

The "stars had to line up", so to speak, before I could get all my "ducks in a row", and go forward with the changes I wanted to make, with no regrets.

I was in my late 50's, a mother and grandmother nearly retired, when I finally determined I could no longer believe the claims of the LDS Church and just over 60 when I changed my mind and resigned my membership. As a convert, I never could learn to "think like a born in the bed Mormon"!

I had a couple decades of life before Mormonism which helped shape me also . I come from a long line of ministers and had considered going into the ministry as a Music Minister (only thing a woman could do in those days) so I was accustomed to a religious family and ecclesiastical leadership.

Timing is important, in my view, when making major changes in our lives that change our whole World View. They also need to be done very, very slowly (if possible) so others in our family can adjust.

I have been very fortunate. I have many LDS friends and relatives (still married to a believer for nearly 49 years-hope to make it 50 next year.)
We are, on the whole, all able to respect one another and be decent (most of the time :-) and keep religion on the back burner and not make it an issue. I'm a believer in the power of relationships and how to keep them, rather than loose them.

Baptized at 18, married an RM at 19, children at 20, 22, 25, 27. I love my children dearly and I love staying home with them, but I feel trapped. I have 1 yr of college education and have not worked since I was 19. I love my husband, but find myself unhappy at this point. I'm financial dependent on him (at least while the kids are young). I still have a toddler and a preschooler.

I learned the truth when my husband was deployed. I was able to read what I wanted without fear. Before I became apostate my husband was very compliant and easy going. I got my way with everything. But Pre-apostasy my way was ultra TBM. Now he feels threatened and asserts himself way too much. We're always fighting now. He is making it perfectly clear to me that he will not change just because I am.


I'm miserable only 30.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/01/2011 10:28PM by exmollymo.

It won't always be that way, exmollymo. When your children are a little older, and are more independent, you can go back to school. I was in my mid-30's when I returned to school. My graduate program was filled with many people my age and older. College is no longer solely the province of the young.

Enjoy your time with your kids. Life has all different stages. This is but one stage for you, and there will be others.

YIKES!

MORGdom...is just so annoying!

Goodness girl...drink your coffee.

Have you looked into going back to school?

I get annoyed when I see women being oppressed by STUPID doctrines.

I mean what does your hubby think about this whole MORGdom business?

I plan on going back to school when all the kids are in school. My husband has actually encouraged me to go back (I enjoy learning and school), but I don't think it's fair to have someone else raise my kids.

No offense to those who have their kids in day care. It works for some, but not for me.

My only concern is once I'm in school, I will still have the household responsibilities and all of the after school stuff with my 4 kiddos. Maybe it'll be easier once I am no longer active in church and will have more free time.

We are military and I think I will go inactive next time we move. I think it will be easier to cut my ties with the church then. I only have a year or two to go. Hopefully I can stay sane and make it.

When you do go back to school, it needn't be full time. You can just start off with a class or two if you wish. My local community college (which I adore) has day classes, night classes, weekend classes, short-term intensive classes, etc. In other words, something for everyone. Adults who return to college usually love school and are better organized about how they approach it. It feels like a privilege to be back in school. It's like brain food. And you are around a lot of interesting, intelligent people.

Summmmer!

Went to the store today...too many wine choices.

Goodness what to do?

Girl help me out!

I relate exmolly and Suzyq. I love my husband and am a believer in keeping relationships. Working on keeping religion on the back burner but my husband still isnt used to me being an ex member and sometimes punishes me. At times I feel trapped but I love him Mormon or not. I believe in working on keeping things whole and time will tell what the future holds. Im 48 and resigned at 47, 6 months after I had the presidency over to pressure my husband into getting the M priesthood. It unraveled quickly as I sought answers to forbidden questions that no one would answer for me. So I had to find them on my own. Many of you were key in helping me see the church was not as it claimed.

Is he mad?

I mean punish you?

I believe GBH said such men should be stripped of the Priesthood...oh wait we don't actually practice what we preach never mind.

I don't agree with punishing you. What happened to wives are precious?

I am sorry! so sorry!

Not physically

How are you being punished?

My husband believes more than I do at this point, but he's still NOM, doesn't buy it all. He's had nothing but respect for me even when we were both TBM. I can not stand abusive controlling men who use the priesthood as their excuse. My dh says the priesthood is not about control, but is more to bring Christ into your life through blessings. Blessings give you peace, and is not for men to tell you what to do.

Not physically. He punishes me by telling me I am lost now and that my prayers to God don't matter. I've lost the spirit, cant take my daughter to a different church. He treats me like any faith I now hold is irrelevant because God wont listen. If I read my Bible he will laugh at me so I read it under the covers. My husband only goes on holidays and does not tithe or hold the priesthood. Maybe if he did he would be more thoughtful and patient or nice about it. But he believes everything about it. Just wont follow it. It doesnt fit into his way of life. His plan is to wait until death bed time.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/02/2011 08:37AM by suckafoo.

What a jerk! I am glad to hear he's not physically punishing you though, sounds like emotional blackmail. Things will get better, hang in there.

Thanks, it has gotten a little better already

Just keep showing him you are the same person, nothing has changed except your belief in Mormonism. He'll get used to it and the emotional blackmail will slow down and hopefully stop. Sometimes it's hard on spouses to see such an abrupt change so they react strangely.

This is an interesting thread... I left when I was 43 years old... I had six kids, and the oldest was in the mission field at the time. I'd been trying for years to feel more connected to the church and went online to research and find others who felt the way I did. I was hoping to find open minded Mormons... I found way more than I bargained for... heh heh

For me, getting some life experience and enough years to see that things didn't always add up the way the church said it should. I saw really good people go through horribly difficult things, other people act like jerks and get away with it.

I asked the church for help and found it is not there to help, but to perpetuate the system. We had a really bad seminary teacher and he was abusive toward my girls and disparaging towards women in general. I tried to take that on. Yeah, right...

The world just became bigger to me and the more I saw it expanding, I saw that the Mormon church was just a bunch of hokem... it stopped making sense.

I think this does happen when we have less physical demands of having younger children, and then we have a bit more time on our hands. In general I think we go through a ripening process and a shift in our energy which allows us to process more about life...