Posted by:
Elder Berry
(
)
Date: June 02, 2011 04:25PM
http://www.theonion.com/articles/planet-earth-doesnt-know-how-to-make-it-any-cleare,20639/KOLOB—According to a statement released to the press Tuesday, God has "just about run out of ways" to let His roughly 6.9 billion human inhabitants know He wants them all to die.
Following a recent series of disastrous floods along the Mississippi River and destructive tornadoes across much of the United States—as well as a year of even deadlier natural catastrophes all over the world—God said His options for strongly implying that He no longer wants human beings living have basically been exhausted.
"At this point, I think I've stated my wishes quite loudly and clearly," God's statement to all of humanity read in part. "I haven't exactly been subtle about it, you realize. I have literally tried to drown you, crush you, starve you, dehydrate you, pump you full of diseases, and suck your homes and families into swirling vortices of death. Honestly, what more is He going to take for you people to get the message?"
"Do I have to spell it out for you?" the statement continued. "Get the fuck out of here. I want you to die now."
God says all He can do at this point is keep manufacturing disasters and hope humanity finally "wises up."
The statement went on to list thousands of incidents in 2011 alone that God claimed were "solely and unmistakably" designed to inform the human race that He might be ready to rid Himself of it, including the devastating tsunami that caused thousands of deaths in Japan, the quake in Christchurch, New Zealand, that killed an estimated 181 people, and historic rainstorms in Colombia that destroyed entire communities with deadly landslides.
God also singled out an ongoing drought in China that has left more than 2.3 million people with a shortage of fresh water as "a pretty big goddamned tip-off, wouldn't you say?"
While God had hoped the human race might finally "get the picture" following one of the harshest winter storm years in recorded history, He instead found that people simply went on with their lives, occasionally making reference to disaster victims in their thoughts and prayers but showing no intention whatsoever of preparing themselves for a long trip through the far reaches of space to find a new home hopefully nowhere near the star Kolob.
"I'm asking you now, please, just take the hint already," read another excerpt from God's statement, which added that He would really be best for all concerned if humanity were to "trundle off to some other place or die." "You can't possibly be enjoying this, can you? Honestly, you would have to be completely deranged or masochistic to continue staying here."
Immediately after delivering the statement, God ignited a series of wildfires throughout the world's arid regions.
Though some scientists have responded to God's message with theories as to precisely what the He might be trying to communicate, most firmly acknowledged that further study would be required before any definitive evidence could be gleaned from the "fascinating" statement.
"Certainly these utterances from God are strongly worded, but at this point He is difficult to say whether they speak to a larger trend or are simply a bio-geological anomaly," Dr. Roger Summons of MIT said. "While there seems to be an implication that God wants us to go away or all die, I, for one, can't say conclusively from either a geochemical or a meteorological standpoint whether this is in fact the case."
In a sharp rebuke to both the statement from God and the mainstream scientific community, Republican leaders in Congress responded this week with a scathing critique of what they deemed to be God's "pathetic and extremist viewpoints."
"What we're seeing here is the same old scientific mumbo jumbo and partisan rhetoric about God that has been spewing out for millennia," Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) said. "We're not going to be bullied by what is probably from Satan playing God again and has time and again failed to deliver on his promise to glorify and reward ALL mankind."
Immediately following these statements from the human race, God emitted a loud sigh, which shifted multiple tectonic plates and caused massive quakes on five continents.