I am going to get A LOT of sh#t for this one. It's pg-13 i would say. It's not exactly therapy but i need to practice talking to the camera when i do therapy in the future. It shows my nasty scar and mild nudity hahahaha oh man i am cracking up. I am really going to get made fun of, oh well at least i am practicing with talking to the camera.

I don't know how to do that link stuff hold on let me see if i can figure it out.

Hold down the ctrl and C button at the same time to copy a link, and ctrl with V to paste a link. It is ctrl-A to copy all of the text of a document and still ctrl-V to paste it. No more writing down with a pen and paper!

paisley70 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hold down the ctrl and C button at the same time
> to copy a link, and ctrl with V to paste a link.
> It is ctrl-A to copy all of the text of a document
> and still ctrl-V to paste it. No more writing down
> with a pen and paper!

F#ck i don't have a computer. It's a pretty dumb video anyways i was just bored last night and couldn't sleep.

Don't ever put yourself down, dude. There are a lot of lurkers here that can relate to you. Lots. People with struggles as they exit the church. Don't ever think that the people writing on this forum represent the majority of the people that are actually visiting this site for guidance. Many of the people that write here have made their exit from the church decades ago. They are over it. The majority of lurkers are frustrated and angry just like you. You bring humanity to the board.

Cheers,

Kevin

paisley70 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Don't ever put yourself down, dude. There are a
> lot of lurkers here that can relate to you. Lots.
> People with struggles as they exit the church.
> Don't ever think that the people writing on this
> forum represent the majority of the people that
> are actually visiting this site for guidance. Many
> of the people that write here have made their exit
> from the church decades ago. They are over it. The
> majority of lurkers are frustrated and angry just
> like you. You bring humanity to the board.
>
> Cheers,
>
> Kevin

i really want to show people that they don't have to hide, not on here or on the internet and especially in real life. Because i hide and making videos definitely forces me to make steps of not hiding within myself. There are bullies everywhere but i have noticed they hide more than i do in anonymoty so maybe i have more courage? i want people to know its not candyland on the other side if you try to maklevel in full-blown reality. Because the mormon church is not even close to reality. I want the lurkers to know that i have made great progress since i have began despite me messing around with certain attackers. I do know that abusive men starting with the church are the cause of a couple of my friend's suicides. It's a little personal so sometimes i draw them out on purpose and i am sorry for my behavior. My issues are more with old and controlling men then actual church members on the ground level but i think people have figured this out by now. I will get some real therapy videos up in the future that will actually help somebody besides myself. I think it is ok to be somewhat selfish to climb out of the hole you were put in. I repeat you did not put yourself in the deep hole according to the bard. Becoming normal out of a cult is a daily battle because you were heavily brainwashed in my opinion, we all were. We were all pretty much programmed the same with all the same thoughts that they wanted us to have. I have never been in a position where i have to get better totally and not f#ck around like have been in the last year and a half. Your life depends on breaking off in my opinion and reaching your normallity and your authenticity. I don't know i still have a ways to go but i am better than where i started that is all i know and that is all that really matters. It's like eating an elephant, go one level at a time, that's what i do. And one day you may find yourself ahead of everybody and you can leave the internet people in the dust because chances are the people that make fun of you have no life, how could they being on the internet cutting people down everyday. But I don't care anymore I had a good talk with a friend i hadn't talked to in a while so i am feeling ok.

I'm sorry for you losing friends to suicide Adam. Regardless, you can be a guiding light for many. It is up to you on how you want to influence the world.

Fuck the bullies. And the intellects (I am ostracizing myself here). Eat your elephant one bite at a time, and find healing. This board has no rules. Take advantage of the 50% or more that see your side of things. The pain that you feel in your exit from Mormonism -- many can remember!

I feel for what it will take to heal you. You will eventually be made whole. If we could weep together at your sorrows, I would take full advantage of it. Because I am a changed man and I can feel again for humanity regardless of their circumstances. I feel alive, as a humble seeker of truth. And so should you! I do not discriminate for any reason.

Feel sorry for those that detract you. Your search for happiness is independent of the trolls. Do not listen to those that desire to hurt you considering your circumstances. Truly, those that desire for your healing are on board with me and look past your imperfections. You can be a light to the world if you want to. Just be careful with your words.

paisley70 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I'm sorry for you losing friends to suicide Adam.
> Regardless, you can be a guiding light for many.
> It is up to you on how you want to influence the
> world.
>
> Fuck the bullies. And the intellects (I am
> ostracizing myself here). Eat your elephant one
> bite at a time, and find healing. This board has
> no rules. Take advantage of the 50% or more that
> see your side of things. The pain that you feel in
> your exit from Mormonism -- many can remember!
>
> I feel for what it will take to heal you. You will
> eventually be made whole. If we could weep
> together at your sorrows, I would take full
> advantage of it. Because I am a changed man and I
> can feel again for humanity regardless of their
> circumstances. I feel alive, as a humble seeker of
> truth. And so should you! I do not discriminate
> for any reason.
>
> Feel sorry for those that detract you. Your search
> for happiness is independent of the trolls. Do not
> listen to those that desire to hurt you
> considering your circumstances. Truly, those that
> desire for your healing are on board with me and
> look past your imperfections. You can be a light
> to the world if you want to. Just be careful with
> your words.

I am not a perfect man. I have never had the responsibility all put on me like it is now. Resignation is a real thing and it is no game. I just keep saying in my mind there is no way in hell god approves of those rituals if there is a god. I don't agree with what they do and that is my starting point to find real truth. Finding real truth is hard in this world. The television lied to us all and so did the mormon church. Even school lied to us in my opinion. So where do you go? I have no idea. I want to help people get somewhere and not be controlled zombies their whole life like i was. Like i said before i am not a perfect person, i don't miss the cracks on the sidewalk, i say brutal things sometimes mostly because of pain though. I do not think i would say brutal things if i had no pain issues. If you want to hear some sing-song talking go watch the apostles or something. I had to listen to those guys for a good portion of my life. The control the church has on the family is absolutely insane. I am resigned and i still don't feel completely free but maybe it will come with more time.

I am kind of afraid of my father though once he finds out i finally took the initiative and resigned after 34 years of being controlled basically even indirectly controlled when not going to church, i tried to get excommunicated around 19 or 20 and he did not like that one bit and would not let me i had no clue i had a choice to resign if you were even aloud to in the early 2000,s, i didn't even know i had a choice to do anything except self-destruction and die to get free. I have been rebuilding myself with counseling and surgeries as much as i can for the face off with him. I try to tell myself he is not as angry of a dude as he was in the past but i know that is a lie. My anger doesn't even exist compared to his. Even my neighbors are afraid and don't like the guy and they only known him for like a year or so. But i really want to know why the hell he believes in secret handshakes and death oaths so much that he put it ahead of his f#cking family. I don't think anyone is more obsessed with the temple than my father. I am stronger than i was as a teen but if anyone can make me feel like a helpless kid that has to do what he says it is that guy. Sometimes i forget that i am 34 now and doesn't have to be forced to do anything by law. I am trying to become a real citizen that has rights. Because in that church they make you feel that you have no rights. They use the god card so you have to do as they say. Well f#ck god if he backs these controlling men, he didn't protect me from sh#t and i always wanted to take god down since i was a teen because of this and i will admit to that but i just wasn't sure how. I know i am not the only mormon teenager that said f#ck god and f#ck this life and f#ck everybody else that is not a friend, now that i have heard about so many other accounts and suicides. I used to think i was singled out but i have learned that there are thousands that probably thought like me. I don't really care about revenge all that much anymore because they want me to do something crazy to validate their stupid religion. So the only option is to be a healthy human being and use the laws to protect you. Yes they stole my life and my mind and my body but there is still time to change things i think and live normally till old age possibly. I thought they robbed me of a chance of having my own family but maybe not. I don't have to live as a loner for the rest of my life and i don't need a crutch of a religion that actually makes me worse.

You are a braver man than I am. I tell my father that my family will never be returning to the LDS church, however, my father still believes that we will someday return. I am waiting for his death in order to submit my official resignation.

paisley70 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You are a braver man than I am. I tell my father
> that my family will never be returning to the LDS
> church, however, my father still believes that we
> will someday return. I am waiting for his death in
> order to submit my official resignation.

I know how you feel. I thought i would have to wait for my father's death before i even tried to start my own family. But it looks like i will just have to be vigilant in protecting my kids from my father if i have kids and make sure they do not end up like me or go through what i went through of self-hate and a horrible life. The main reason i had to resign was it was affecting my progress not to, i was lingering one foot in the organization hoping to get some money back for my rent and having one foot in is hell in itself. And the knocking on my door was relentless i had to do it for that reason as well and i had to make a do not knock sign on my door. It was giving me so much d@mn anxiety that they could pound on my door like the fire brigade at any d@mn time. I still don't know if they will leave me alone with the resignation, people on here say they will. It sucks because i might be the only person in my entire extended family that took an actual initiative and resigned. I have a few cousins that went inactive but i don't think they actually resigned like i did. It is sunday and i still have anxiety but oh well. I did try to take the religion seriously my second time around but that was the religion's downfall i think, after learning the crazy temple rituals and those temple questions about seeing those 15 men as prophets it was pretty much game over for them i could see where this was going. I had no clue how creepy the religion actually was as a kid, i was so clueless to the secret stuff. I think many adults are still clueless of what they are in. They have no clue about the real history and not the short fantasy history of a boy seeing jesus and the father and then moroni shows up and shows him gold plates which nobody else saw, it was always death if joseph were to show something haha. It's death if you don't have more than one wife. Always death by god unless he did this crazy thing he wanted to do haha. Anyways i am past that fantasy story it is even funny when i actually type it now haha. Another strange thing is there is no evidence of this great battle or old civilization anywhere near the hill cumorah or even anywhere on the planet. My dad was obsessed with all the mormon sites of the 1800's like joseph smith's place and brighams beehive house, carthage jail, rebuilding of nauvoo temple, i actually didn't realize how obsessed he was till i am typing it right now haha. I even remember going to a pagaent at the hill cumorah. i always got dragged along to all that sh#t i am glad i don't have to be dragged along anymore. My dad lives across the street but there is kind of a hill in the middle so there is some space, he took my grandma's house when she died. I was hoping it would just get sold or something but i am trying to move to a cheaper place with the help of my case worker and get the f#ck off this street. It is hindering my progress with him living so d@mn close, feel like i always have to hide from the guy, he has no boundaries in his head.

I think i would have to write it down and then type it on here or something. Don't have a pen on me, f#ck i suck at computer stuff.

So what's the deal with the video?

You're showing off your scar? What scar? It's barely visible.

Your doctors did a really good job at minimizing scarring. It isn't even red or bruised looking.

Heck, one month ago I underwent two major surgeries at the same time. I wouldn't consider showing my scars, but if I did they aren't anywhere near as healed as yours are.

Be glad you've healed so well.

Amyjo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> So what's the deal with the video?
>
> You're showing off your scar? What scar? It's
> barely visible.
>
> Your doctors did a really good job at minimizing
> scarring. It isn't even red or bruised looking.
>
> Heck, one month ago I underwent two major
> surgeries at the same time. I wouldn't consider
> showing my scars, but if I did they aren't
> anywhere near as healed as yours are.
>
> Be glad you've healed so well.

I am just trying to get certain people to tear me apart again i guess over and over like jesus christ. Wasn't he made fun of and torn a part? I am no savior though and i am grateful.

Amyjo,when you were sharing with us that you were going through testing to see if you had cancer and or would be looking at major surgery, many of us wrote to show you love and comfort you. Our little friend here wrote one word and the word was "unsympathetic." Unbelievable. I was shocked and reported. It may have been taken down before you saw it, I don't know. I guess he was upset at not getting to be the center of attention. Maybe you did not see it because I kept wondering why you kept communicating with him, and sometimes even defending him. You really are a sweet person.

breeziee Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Amyjo,when you were sharing with us that you were
> going through testing to see if you had cancer and
> or would be looking at major surgery, many of us
> wrote to show you love and comfort you. Our
> little friend here wrote one word and the word was
> "unsympathetic." Unbelievable. I was shocked and
> reported. It may have been taken down before you
> saw it, I don't know. I guess he was upset at not
> getting to be the center of attention. Maybe you
> did not see it because I kept wondering why you
> kept communicating with him, and sometimes even
> defending him. You really are a sweet person.

Thank you for your kindness. Adam is going through a really rough time. I don't pretend to be a psychologist, but I do wish him better things ahead. He was mad when he made that remark because I told him to toughen up. :-) He will, he just needs time to heal.

My surgery was last month. I'm doing alright so far. One of my children came home to be with me for three glorious weeks. That was the silver lining in all this for me. :-)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/17/2018 06:26AM by Amyjo.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/17/2018 06:33AM by Amyjo.

People who do not pamper you and try to be honest with you, you refer to as bullies. When people don't agree, you say you are annoying them on purpose, then go into the poor me speech again. Whatever happened to you are leaving because this is not helping you and you do not like us?? So, as I have just pointed out some truths, I wonder what kind of hateful and self pitying stuff you will now say. You care about nobody but yourself.

Aquarius123 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> People who do not pamper you and try to be honest
> with you, you refer to as bullies. When people
> don't agree, you say you are annoying them on
> purpose, then go into the poor me speech again.
> Whatever happened to you are leaving because this
> is not helping you and you do not like us?? So,
> as I have just pointed out some truths, I wonder
> what kind of hateful and self pitying stuff you
> will now say. You care about nobody but yourself.

It's true all i have is me really in real life.

Is that how you would like it to remain? If so, keep going with this same behavior. Or, you could try something different.

Devoted Exmo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Is that how you would like it to remain? If so,
> keep going with this same behavior. Or, you could
> try something different.

F#ck it's idaho, there is not much to do here outside of the cult.

Idaho is 30% mormon. So, yeah, fuck the other 70%. They couldn't possibly offer anything but church stuff. You're right-the entire world is stacked against you. Fuck them all.

Unless you've lived in Pocatello, there's no place like Mormon home sweet home like Pocatello, Idaho.

Statistically wherever the statistic shows 30% of Idahoans are LDS, if it covers the entire state that may be why. Southeastern Idaho is predominantly LDS still. Pocatello, Idaho Falls, Twin Falls, Rexburg, etc.

It's Boise, Nampa, Lewiston, Moscow, and Coeur d'Alene that you start getting more into the outback of Mormon country. That's where the smaller percentages would live.

Example from Sperlings: https://www.bestplaces.net/religion/city/idaho/pocatello
RELIGION OVERVIEW. 68.89% of the people in Pocatello, Idaho are religious, meaning they affiliate with a religion. 6.38% are Catholic; 53.47% are LDS; 3.84% are another Christian faith..."

That's the percentage of those who are religious. I will add in Pocatello, the remaining 'non-religious' are a good percentage of inactive LDS, otherwise known as jack Mormons by the locals of the apostate Mormon community within the larger LDS community. They may not go to church, but their families are all LDS. When they die they have Mormon funerals and Mormon burials, etc. They are surrounded by Mormon family and neighbors ON ALL SIDES. I know because I was born and lived there a good part of my life. It hasn't changed all that much other than it's grown, just not as crazy a pace as it has in the Ogden and Salt Lake City area.

Yeah AmyJo, I get it. I travel the entire state. I'm in Pocatello, Blackfoot, Idaho Falls and Twin every 7-8 weeks. There's plenty to do outside of church and church people.

StillAnon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Yeah AmyJo, I get it. I travel the entire state.
> I'm in Pocatello, Blackfoot, Idaho Falls and Twin
> every 7-8 weeks. There's plenty to do outside of
> church and church people.

You never cut me any slack stillanon but maybe that is a good thing.

No, Adam, I don't cut you any slack. Not anymore. I've seen a lot of people try to help you, including myself. People that give you their time, effort and heartfelt advice. Only to see you rip it up and offer excuses of why it never applies to you and your behavior. Then, you go the extra mile to gaslight people into thinking everyone is picking on you. People on this board. People in your town. People that are paid professionals. Most people are willing to help others that genuinely want to help themselves. But you, you always have a reason to not take a step to help yourself. You cause discord on this board and take time and help from others that are honestly trying to move forward. Get you shit together and people here will help you. This is Recovery from Mormonism. Not, the Poor Adam board. Time to stop bitching and take action.

StillAnon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> No, Adam, I don't cut you any slack. Not anymore.
> I've seen a lot of people try to help you,
> including myself. People that give you their time,
> effort and heartfelt advice. Only to see you rip
> it up and offer excuses of why it never applies to
> you and your behavior. Then, you go the extra mile
> to gaslight people into thinking everyone is
> picking on you. People on this board. People in
> your town. People that are paid professionals.
> Most people are willing to help others that
> genuinely want to help themselves. But you, you
> always have a reason to not take a step to help
> yourself. You cause discord on this board and take
> time and help from others that are honestly trying
> to move forward. Get you shit together and people
> here will help you. This is Recovery from
> Mormonism. Not, the Poor Adam board. Time to stop
> bitching and take action.

It's true i do have a preconceived notion that i can not win in life no matter how much help is offered. I do feel i maybe have been through too much or something so it is all just pointless now. The bard said don't let the cult make you end your life but there is more to living than just not pulling the trigger and just breathing. I am not good at living for real.

"It's true i do have a preconceived notion that i can not win in life no matter how much help is offered. I do feel i maybe have been through too much or something so it is all just pointless now."

So you've got a choice. Either fall into your comfort zone, where you feel that no matter what, you will never change- then you can relive this "groundhog day" treadmill, everyday-forever. You can drown in your own self pity. OR, you can take the good advice that caring people have offered you and do something. No one expects you to get better and magically healed in a short time. People do expect you to make a god damned effort to take steps to help yourself. Just little steps. But, in the past 6 months, for every step you've taken, you take 2 steps back and then whine about never getting anywhere. It's exhausting. People will help you if you honestly put some effort into recovery. They won't if you keep going back to square one. Take today as a reset day. Make a commitment, to yourself, to take the efforts of people here to improve your situation. Make a commitment to stop coming here to bitch about giving up-again. Not saying that you won't have setbacks-that's expected. But to keep up your self defeating habits will get you nothing and no one will stick around to help you anymore. You're like a guy who's house is on fire. And when the firemen come to put out the flames, you cut holes in their hoses. Stop. Make a decision to change your approach and you'll start seeing results. But it's entirely up to you. You are in control. Put on your big boy pants and do something.

StillAnon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> "It's true i do have a preconceived notion that i
> can not win in life no matter how much help is
> offered. I do feel i maybe have been through too
> much or something so it is all just pointless
> now."
>
> So you've got a choice. Either fall into your
> comfort zone, where you feel that no matter what,
> you will never change- then you can relive this
> "groundhog day" treadmill, everyday-forever. You
> can drown in your own self pity. OR, you can take
> the good advice that caring people have offered
> you and do something. No one expects you to get
> better and magically healed in a short time.
> People do expect you to make a god damned effort
> to take steps to help yourself. Just little steps.
> But, in the past 6 months, for every step you've
> taken, you take 2 steps back and then whine about
> never getting anywhere. It's exhausting. People
> will help you if you honestly put some effort into
> recovery. They won't if you keep going back to
> square one. Take today as a reset day. Make a
> commitment, to yourself, to take the efforts of
> people here to improve your situation. Make a
> commitment to stop coming here to bitch about
> giving up-again. Not saying that you won't have
> setbacks-that's expected. But to keep up your self
> defeating habits will get you nothing and no one
> will stick around to help you anymore. You're like
> a guy who's house is on fire. And when the firemen
> come to put out the flames, you cut holes in their
> hoses. Stop. Make a decision to change your
> approach and you'll start seeing results. But it's
> entirely up to you. You are in control. Put on
> your big boy pants and do something.

I do have to do something different and change my thinking pattern that i put into myself you are right. I don't feel i am at square one but i do allow myself to fall back because the road i need to go down is a difficult one and i know this. So many people in the religion stay in the comfort zone from birth till death. But my life actually depends on becoming a normal human outside of their bubble and their influence and their thinking. I can't even go to them for help because i know even that sets me back. I played cards yesterday and was talking with a guy for a while in a real conversation and i was actually shocked with myself how normal i felt compared to past times. I do think my actual self is trying to emerge behind the mental walls and is trying to reconnect with who he was at one time. I do live groundhog day and i have wondered if others with ptsd do the same but i have been trying to snap out of it with counseling and playing cards around real people every week. It's not easy, even though i have resigned from the church that cloud over my head is not completely gone and i have not even faced my father since resigning which i am very afraid of even at my age. I tried to get excommunicated when i was 20 years old i think it was or 19 and the disappointment and anger in his eyes i remember to this day. I knew he wished he had a different son and that has been hard for me to live with ever since then. I think that is when i started destroying myself on purpose because f#ck it i am god's reject of his "true religion" now and a disgrace to my family and especially my father. I tried to give the church a second chance later on thinking i was wrong but i realized what the church was and broke off until this point. I still don't know if i can get completely better and normal because mentally and physically i got my @ss kicked to put it bluntly. I slept for like 10 hours last night which was good i think been struggling with sleep lately. The religion still goes through my head every sunday though, a part of me did want to believe that there was a god who knew exactly who the hell i was that did not want to brainwash me and had my best interest in mind instead of mental slavery. Does that god exist? Probably not based on my experience in life. Anyways, i do have to make a real decision and stop myself from falling into self-pity over and over and the comfort of giving up on life. I know the influence of the church people around me will try to stop me from any chance of having a real life even with resignation. They could not stand a successful story of me without religion i can tell you that much. They need me to fall to validate their beliefs and their stupid rituals.

Good. Keep doing the stuff that makes you feel "normal". Seek out other opportunities to do the same, and then post your success here.People will assist you and wish you well. We won't if you keep ignoring good advice and tell us why you can't/won't improve. Everyone's path is different, so, no , you won't find anyone here that went through your EXACT same scenario, but if listen to those that had similar experiences, close to yours, then you will benefit. Keep up recognizing the positive. If you really want a perspective adjustment, go visit/volunteer at a Ronald McDonald house. Young kids facing life threatening illness with rock star attitudes.Some of them won't see next year. You will leave thinking that maybe you don't have it so bad.

StillAnon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Good. Keep doing the stuff that makes you feel
> "normal". Seek out other opportunities to do the
> same, and then post your success here.People will
> assist you and wish you well. We won't if you keep
> ignoring good advice and tell us why you
> can't/won't improve. Everyone's path is different,
> so, no , you won't find anyone here that went
> through your EXACT same scenario, but if listen to
> those that had similar experiences, close to
> yours, then you will benefit. Keep up recognizing
> the positive. If you really want a perspective
> adjustment, go visit/volunteer at a Ronald
> McDonald house. Young kids facing life threatening
> illness with rock star attitudes.Some of them
> won't see next year. You will leave thinking that
> maybe you don't have it so bad.

Never heard of a ronald mcdonald house but i have been locked up around the mentally ill for a period of time and that was a crazy experience and a hell on earth i don't want to return to so i keep going to counseling and try to force myself to improve and be normal like i used to be in high school. I do feel for the mentally ill that want to die every day, i don't think normal people understand like i do in that area, but i have never been around children with cancer and are dying slowly you have that right but i do know what its like to live again but you have no idea how to do it. Is there even a ronald mcdonald house in pocatello? Maybe google knows.

There's a Ronald McDonald House in Boise. The one in SLC is a lot closer to Pocatello. If you're really interested, I can get you a personal tour. My family, especially my kid, has volunteered there for 6 years. It will change your life and make you realize that your struggles, while they seem extreme, are nothing compared to what these kids and their families are dealing with.

StillAnon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> There's a Ronald McDonald House in Boise. The one
> in SLC is a lot closer to Pocatello. If you're
> really interested, I can get you a personal tour.
> My family, especially my kid, has volunteered
> there for 6 years. It will change your life and
> make you realize that your struggles, while they
> seem extreme, are nothing compared to what these
> kids and their families are dealing with.

Maybe i will, i think SLC is actually closer than boise from my place but SLC is rough because it is the mecca of mormonism in my opinion and i still remember getting dragged around that place as a kid i even sat through conference a couple times when the hinckster was prophet, people in utah thought that dude was a god but i just saw an old dude that said nice sing-song things to a camera. My father was and is obsessed with all the history of the church like the pioneer stuff and the temple stuff. Anyways i think it would be good for me to tour something like that for sure and get me out of my own head. Is boise a smaller city than SLC? I have never actually been to boise.

+1 on the observations while staying at Ronald McDonald House.

My daughter died a slow death over a period of years. I must have seen 100 other children die before my daughter left this earth. I've watched mothers cry in the anguish and horror of losing their children, over and over again. The men are very much stoics. A hospice full of dying children is more of a sacred place than any LDS temple.

This experience gave me the empathy that I have today.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I see it, but I can't imagine experiencing what you went through. Most of the men and women of these kids seem very tuned in. The guys aren't stoic, they break down harder. They may try to put on a brave face, but scratch the surface and they melt. I'm not a fast food fan, and I don't like McDonald's, but they really do a kick ass job with the Ronald McDonald houses.

What happens in the hospice behind closed doors, I have no idea. You may be correct about how the men react in a private setting. However, when a child dies a little sooner than expected in the hospital in the bed next to us, those women go crazy. Inconsolable. I completely understand their reaction.

When my daughter passed away, my wife was hysterical and didn't let go of Kiara for 8 hours. Sobbing uncontrollably. And then some dude came along and rolled the body up in a carpet and tossed her into the back of a white van at 1:30 am. The vision is etched into my mind for eternity.

paisley70 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What happens in the hospice behind closed doors, I
> have no idea. You may be correct about how the men
> react in a private setting. However, when a child
> dies a little sooner than expected in the hospital
> in the bed next to us, those women go crazy.
> Inconsolable. I completely understand their
> reaction.
>
> When my daughter passed away, my wife was
> hysterical and didn't let go of Kiara for 8 hours.
> Sobbing uncontrollably. And then some dude came
> along and rolled the body up in a carpet and
> tossed her into the back of a white van at 1:30
> am. The vision is etched into my mind for
> eternity.

I don't know anything about losing a child but i did watch my grandma suffer until the end in her home and that experience was nuts and still etched in my memory, i kissed her after she died before they took the body away and i was very angry about the whole thing and i let god know to the f#cking sky. I lived with her for a year and then i moved across the street before she passed a couple years ago, was a huge blow to the badass, my biggest supporter was now gone but then i met the boner and the bard to help me through the loneliness and one d@mn good counselor also. I think hospice is the group that took care of her while she died slowly in her living room. I think she was the only person in the entire family that actually liked me even though no one understood me and they still don't understand me.

Paisley70,

I can’t even imagine experiencing pain like that. I’m so sorry that happened to you!

I am so sorry, Paisley70. I could not have borne that.

It helps that you aren't LDS though, doesn't it?

My family that lives there is BIC TBM. I can go visit, and they're typically gracious, with a tinge of passive aggressive. They say they respect my autonomy and my religious beliefs that differ from theirs since I changed religion.

Then I'll get a reminder that they're still trying to subvert me by trying to sway me back to the one and only true church.

I shared a dream I had with a cousin about her sister that had recently passed away last year. Her sister was not at peace in my dream, and was in fact acting as though she was possessed. Hence my impression her spirit was not at rest. This occurred several months after I attended her funeral near Pocatello.

When I shared the dream with the sister of the deceased, her response wasn't concern that her sister's soul might not be at peace. It was "Well, there you go. She's telling you that you need to go back to church!" I was like, so much for trying to talk about an underlying disorder her sister suffered from when she died and unresolved conflicts with her family. So much for my being the host medium.

So I purchased a sage stick after reading about it here on RfM, and cleansed my house with it, and the addition of reciting prayers including the Lord's Prayer, Prayer of St. Thomas, and Psalms 23 to help my cousin cross over to the other side. I told her to go to the light. That it was okay to do that. She didn't have to suffer anymore. (She was still wearing her temple dress she was buried in when she appeared to me, and believe me she wasn't demure or placid. She looked like she'd risen from the grave.) I've had messages from other family members who crossed over to the other side, some who were inactive "jack" Mormons. And they WERE AT PEACE. I believe I know the difference.

So no, Mormons do not have the whole truth, or even partial. That they've lived a lie until they die. Then they find out they've been deceived. What could be worse than that?! Oya vey. I don't want to know. I do hope my cousin has found her happy place by now. She had a sad life. She deserves better.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2018 08:39PM by Amyjo.

I did think the church was the one and only true church and i was just a crazy person in the family because i didn't like the true church. Anyone raised in it before the internet really surfaced, knows how insane the constant programming and brainwashing was. My brain will never be normal from all of it. Especially because everyone around me made me feel like it was legit but seeing those rituals on youtube made me realize that no way in hell did god approve of that kind of thing. This town is nuts and that is all i will say about the mormons here. If people think i am annoying as f#ck then you haven't lived in this town.

Hey Adam, I don't really know how well healed you are judging by your scars - but your surgery went down more recently than mine did.

I only know how I feel, and I'm still achey and sore. Each day is a little better than the one before, but it takes its toll.

Hang in there. So you're bored. You made a video. Not everybody gets it. Don't expect them to. This is the Internet. The Internet

It isn't church. It isn't a community meeting. It's an anonymous online forum where just about anything goes. Don't expect everyone is going to approve of you or get along.

Keep being yourself. Healing takes time. Maybe make a video of a nature walk next time you're outside, and your observations. That will get you out of your shell and into the sunshine. Be kind to yourself. It takes a lot of time and energy to heal body, mind and soul from any kind of major surgery. Go easy on yourself.

Remain anonymous. RfM is only a social forum for recovering Mormons. Don't expect more from us or it than it or we are able to deliver. Not everybody is going to understand you.

Take up a new hobby if you can. Just going for a walk gets you outdoors, fresh air, and a new perspective. Feel better!

Amyjo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hey Adam, I don't really know how well healed you
> are judging by your scars - but your surgery went
> down more recently than mine did.
>
> I only know how I feel, and I'm still achey and
> sore. Each day is a little better than the one
> before, but it takes its toll.
>
> Hang in there. So you're bored. You made a video.
> Not everybody gets it. Don't expect them to. This
> is the Internet. The Internet
>
> It isn't church. It isn't a community meeting.
> It's an anonymous online forum where just about
> anything goes. Don't expect everyone is going to
> approve of you or get along.
>
> Keep being yourself. Healing takes time. Maybe
> make a video of a nature walk next time you're
> outside, and your observations. That will get you
> out of your shell and into the sunshine. Be kind
> to yourself. It takes a lot of time and energy to
> heal body, mind and soul from any kind of major
> surgery. Go easy on yourself.
>
> Remain anonymous. RfM is only a social forum for
> recovering Mormons. Don't expect more from us or
> it than it or we are able to deliver. Not
> everybody is going to understand you.
>
> Take up a new hobby if you can. Just going for a
> walk gets you outdoors, fresh air, and a new
> perspective. Feel better!

Thanks, my friend made a nature video once at is was pretty good and yes this surgery has taken its toll so i try to distract myself. There is snow here and it is pretty d@mn cold as well. Really loopy from the meds as well. F#ck i don't even understand me yet. It's all about self-discovery which is not easy. The real adam probably doesn't even complain for all i know. I feel a sense of real self to some degree. I think all surgeries set me back a bit and i say crazy things.

You could register and sign in. Then you could look up past posts.

Aquarius123 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You could register and sign in. Then you could
> look up past posts.

I don't really want to remember the mindset i was in back then or at any point really i know that i was way worse than i am now or at least i think so. Once the thoughts are out of my head and typed i really don't want to revisit it. Once its out its out if people reply that is their decision.

Adam is not a troll.

He's a recovering Mormon, like some others here are. There is no "one size fits all" here.

Why do some feel it their duty to berate a man who has obvious issues? Give the guy a break. If you don't like what he posts you don't have to read it.

Sheesh.

You say what you feel, we say what we feel.

By the grace of God go us all.

"The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/17/2018 07:05AM by Amyjo.

Not all things are by chance. We all have many choices. Sometimes the fickle foot of fate does kick us in the butt. We choose how we react to it. We can control many things and do so on a daily basis.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/17/2018 07:17AM by Aquarius123.

The whole concept of "free will" is overrated. Yes we do have choices. There are more things out of our control than we have control over.

I just don't buy into the notion of free will, because if it were so then bad things wouldn't happen to good people. Sh*t happens all the time whether deserved or not.

As far as acting on impulse or exercising self-control, that is absolutely something we have some degree of control over. Some of the time. That we've been taught/learned right from wrong to make moral choices speaks for itself.

That some people are more moral than others, make better choices, have better outcomes ... it doesn't really serve any good IMO to compare because there will always be those who are greater or lesser than ourselves.

Like Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true."

Did I say something about "free will?"

No, that was me.

Amyjo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> No, that was me.

I am still pretty d@mn sore how about you? They dropped my pain meds as well so i am adjusting to the drop as well i think.

Better.

Amyjo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Better.

A guy i play cards with that had back surgery said that they rip through the muscles to get to the spine, not cut through. He said he was sore as f#ck at this stage, so yeah that was reassuring to some extent.

They cut through all of your front muscles to repair the spine. Filet you like a fish. My friends wife had it done. Took her a solid year of tear inducing rehab to get better. She pushed herself to do all her PT and exercises. Hurt like hell and brought her to tears. She pushed through and persevered. She's stronger now than ever before. Triathlete. Kinda similar to you. You have to face reality, do the painful things and come out stronger at the other end. No whining.

stillanon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> They cut through all of your front muscles to
> repair the spine. Filet you like a fish. My
> friends wife had it done. Took her a solid year of
> tear inducing rehab to get better. She pushed
> herself to do all her PT and exercises. Hurt like
> hell and brought her to tears. She pushed through
> and persevered. She's stronger now than ever
> before. Triathlete. Kinda similar to you. You have
> to face reality, do the painful things and come
> out stronger at the other end. No whining.

Haha you are like my trainer now and i am a beaten rocky balboa trying to make a comeback or something. It will be d@mn tough not to whine, f#ck maybe i can do it without whining, i will have to step things up a notch of taking things more seriously for sure. I hope to god it doesn't take a year for my neck to heal that would suck but i will push through it if i have to like my other surgeries. I am on a path of no turning around i think.

I don't think he's a troll. But his constant chaos sucks all the oxygen out of the room.

He's exhausting. And his profound neediness is constant.

There are many people on this website who have apparently unlimited patience and empathy. I commend them.