In re-building my personality, after a lifetime in the Mormon cult, I want to be as normal, moral, loving, and balanced as possible.

I spent years recovering from Mormonism, recovering from childhood abuse, recovering from spousal abuse, trying to repair my destroyed self-esteem, struggling for my rights as a single working mother. I spent way too much time working through past mistakes, and battling the guilt and blame that the Mormons put onto my shoulders--much of this blame being heaped onto me when I was just a little girl. My biggest faults were ignorance and blind obedience. I was an easy victim to the Mormon child abusers narcissists, sociopaths, predators, and money-grabbers in my life. I needed to wrap my mind around the truth, and to understand the dominant role the cult played in my making "bad decisions." Most of them weren't even my own decisions, such as going to BYU, turning down two very wonderful men, and marrying an RM in the temple. I allowed him to beat me for a year, before I finally left him. I didn't value my own life that much--it was all for the cult, for my TBM parents. Psychotherapy helped with my PTSD. RFM helped with dealing with my lifetime of Mormon brainwashing. Knowing the Truth about Mormonism--at last--was what helped me the very most. Thank you, RFM!

I want leave the past in the past, and move forward! I want to stop thinking about past "mistakes," and build on my recent successes! I worked hard to rescue myself and my dear children from an evil cult, and I feel that my children deserve the happiness they have earned! They are great people. We are happy in the present, and have a bright future ahead, except....

I'm still working on feeling good about myself. It is very true that Mormonism robs is victims of their self-esteem, under the guise of making them more "humble", obedient and child-like. Marginalization and shunning has hurt me, and I feel like I don't have enough friends.

How much MORE of my life--how many MORE years--must I throw down the Mormon garbage-hole? How much do I "owe" to my cold and critical TBM parents? Do I owe anything to my old high school friends, who love to remember the "good old days", when I was my TBM older brother's punching-bag? No one rescued me. Must I be forced to recall the times surrounding my painful break-ups which triggered my horror-filled rebound temple marriage to someone I barely knew? Harmless "reminiscing" causes me to have flashbacks.

I have tried to leave my past in the PAST, where it belongs, by remembering only the good times, taking the lessons learned, and moving away from my hometown--physically and mentally. In order to protect my children, I have no contact at all with the worst abusers. Most of the Mormons who used to be stalkers and harassers and gossips have been shunning me for 10 years, since the days my children and I first became inactive, and half of my TBM extended family members don't bother to speak to me, either. These people are gone.

Where do I stop "eliminating" people and events from my past?

I live in Utah, and though I'm resigned from the cult, I am still invited to TBM family reunions, the BYU class reunion, the BYU sports team reunions, neighborhood reunions, parties given by old friends and my ex-husband's family. These are all Mormon-based groups, and mostly couples. (My children don't know their children). Spouses are included in all the reunions, which means I won't know half the people there. I would feel awkward at a sit-down dinner and dancing. I don't know anyone who would enjoy being invited as my escort at one of these events, as they are not fun.

I'm still in contact with some California high school friends, of all religions, married and single, male and female. We see each other once or twice a year, and we e-mail, and send Christmas and birthday cards. I really do care about these people; hence, the e-mails and face-time. These friends want me to fly to California to go to our high school reunion weekend, which includes some fancy parties. They are bringing their spouses. Hotel, cost of the dinners and booze, airfare, etc. would cost around $2,000, but I probably wouldn't want to go, even for free. My parents and siblings are no longer in my hometown, but the horrible memories are. I'm wondering why I feel so obligated to go.

Whoever is in charge of the reunions is pushy for people to attend, and they say that they want "a good turnout" and "support", which implies that I would be letting them down, if I don't attend. Most ask for money (which is necessary), and often I will gladly send them money and a refusal, in order to get them off my back.

The reunions aren't until this summer, but they want "a head-count" right now. I'm just one number in a head-count. The few that I'm still in contact with, will be upset, if I don't go.

Do I owe them? Would a TRUE friend take the trouble to go to the reunions, anyway? Being raised Mormon, sometimes I don't have a clue what real friendship is!

Am I in danger of becoming a recluse, because I would rather stay home and play with my family, or read a good book, or even do my taxes and clean the garage? Maybe Mormonism has rendered me heartless and drained, and incapable of any more "giving."

What's going on?

A lot here to answer but I'll just take on one, the reunion. You didn't say which reunion year, which makes a difference. I missed my 20th for no other reason, I didn't want to go. I came from a rural area in Nevada and didn't want to make the trip. People understand stuff happens to people from out of town. Give your best wishes on the reunion blog and list your email address. BTW, I graduated from a Utah college (not BYU) and didn't go back for almost 20 years. The Mormon stuff can really get you down if you don't stay above it. Good luck

No, I don't think you owe your friends a H.S. reunion. Pretend to have other plans, if necessary. Would your friends enjoy a weekend get-together away from town?

I would pay close attention to your feelings, and if you think that a particular event will be distressing, skip it. Honestly, I haven't been to one school reunion yet! (I'm not ruling it out, I just haven't been.)

I do understand trying to get a social life figured out as a single woman in a couples-oriented culture. Mostly I have developed friendships with other single women.

Here are some ideas: The AAUW (American Association of University Women, open to all college alumna,) does charitable and social projects. A friend of mine is a member and her group gets together for monthly meals and socializing.

You've mentioned in the past that your children were involved with fraternal groups at the U of U. Did you have a daughter in a sorority? Most collegiate sororities do AI (alumni initiation.) Your daughter could introduce you to people in her sorority's alumna group, to see if you mesh well, or she could write a letter of introduction. AI's are involved in all social aspects with the local group of alumna and also help the collegians with various activities.

Another thought is a community sorority such as Beta Sigma Phi. Community sororities are open to all women.

Just some ideas! I think you have so much going for you. I know it's hard to build up self-esteem because it took many years for me to land on my feet. In some respects it's still a work in progress. So I do understand. (((hugs)))

Dear Friend,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are a very strong individual with a high level of integrity. I'm so sorry to hear about your painful past and also about the continuing challenges that you face. As I read the many posts and reflect on my own life, please know that you are most definitely not alone.

Today I submitted my official resignation from the Mormon church.

I am a father and husband to a devout LDS woman, and children whom have been required by their mother to attend church from the time they were born. I personally have not participated in Mormonism for over 15 years, and this due to many reasons. Over the years of our relationship, my wife has become more religiously devout, and sadly our marriage has become more and more distant. I've lost count of how many times I've been the ward's reactivation project, the times that my family and I have been pitied for me not being an active member, the times that I have been told that my family will miss out on blessings/safety due to my priesthood noncompliance, and finally, my children coming to me to let me know of their sincere concern for my salvation.

I have been an outcast in my own family for many years, and the feelings of loneliness and despair are indescribable. While I've attempted to communicate my thoughts and feelings on many occasions (even through a marriage counselor), the psychological power and ingrained tradition leads to a quick disregard to my feelings, as God and Mormon church take priority over all things.

Though I feel utterly trapped, my only hope is that someday my children will truly open their eyes, step outside of the bubble, stop being so ethnocentric, do some legitimate research about Mormonism, and most importantly, sincerely love other- and just because.

Thank you again for sharing with us. I wish you the very best.

Sincerely,
Brem


PS. I wish there were some sort of ExMormon Anonymous support group available...

Thanks for your suggestions. Some of you seem to have avoided reunions, without feeling guilty and awful. I know some "old friends" are trying to manipulate me....

I'm sorry that B White feels like an outcast among his own wife and children! That would be so sad! I hope Brem stays with RFM for a while, long enough to receive some of the empathy and support that this site offers. This is as close to an "ExMormon Anonymous support group", as I have ever found. We really are not alone.

The Mormon church is notorious for breaking up families. You realize it is not "God" at all, who is being put first, but the money-hungry LD$ Business corporation, hiding behind the guise of a "religion." It is, in every way, a cult. It helped me and my children to learn more about cults in general, and how they operate. I was lucky, that my children and husband were the ones to lead me out of the cult. They were patient, loving, and reasonable, and, even so, it took them over a year, to get me to see the Truth. Don't give up on your children. I don't know how old they are, but mine never did believe in the JS story or the Golden Plates, and all that. They were 13, 10, and 8. Their dislike of the church started when the primary teachers said that good people like me and their father, and Mother Theresa, and their school teachers, were not worthy of the highest heaven, because they weren't married in the Mormon temple. The primary told my children that ours was NOT a "forever family", and we would be separate and alone in the hereafter.

I had taught my children Christianity, on my own, they could not believe that Christ/God would be that unreasonable and cruel. It just takes little doubts--doubts that make perfect sense to an un-brainwashed child--and a child can feel "bad vibrations" coming from abusive, authoritarian Mormon adults. I agree that someday your children will truly "open their eyes." They are lucky to have you there for them, when the time comes.

You could remain "religious", and teach your children the Christian principles that contradict Mormonism: unconditional, Christ-like love, the evils of loving money, about false prophets, Christ and the money-changers in the temple, Christ ministering to the poor and to the lepers, Christ having no great wealth, no grand temples or churches on prime real estate, simple 10 Commandments against lying, stealing, committing adultery (polygamy), and so on. My children learned ethics from Aesop's Fables. Knowledge is power! Instead of trying to teach your children AGAINST Mormonism, teach them to be FOR love, integrity, and common decency.

About my own OP post--I shouldn't feel guilty that I'm no longer friends with these adults who taught my children all those threatening, anti-parent lies in Primary. Friends don't try to turn your own children against you!

You are probably afraid of relationships in general, because so many of your past relationships have been with the crazy people in your dysfunctional TBM family. My TBM family was full of pathological people, too, and not only did it take time and effort for me to trust others, but it took a long time before I could trust my own judgment in choosing friends.

It helped me to follow my gut-reaction to people. My very first impressions were the truest. Listen to that first instinct, BEFORE a person has a chance to talk their way into conning you or manipulating you. Look at their body language. Most likely, you feel uncomfortable around certain people for a good reason.

Once you can trust more, you will realize that people are mostly good, and the world is a wonderful place! Your early Mormon brainwashing has told you to trust only Mormons, and no one else. Trust the Mormons leaders, even though they might be abusive and self-serving.

If you have time, take each reunion situation separately, and each person from the past that you are dealing with now separately. Do any of these people have a hidden agenda? What do they have to gain for themselves, if you attend their reunion? For example, do they want you to play the piano (I often had this problem), do they need you to bring food, or give them money, or do they want you to drive everyone?

Manipulators always find someone else to cater to their needs--always. You don't owe these people anything. They take very good care of themselves, on their own.

Go to the parties you WANT to go to. If you don't know months in advance if you'll feel like going, don't make any advance deposits, and tell them you will pay at the door, if you can make it. You are only one person.

Maybe it isn't the socializing you dread at all, but the fact that you are sick of having people try to push you around. I know that when I finally quit Mormonism, that I had endured all that I could stomach!

Congratulations on moving past most of the angst of leaving. You seem to be in a good place.

Life does move forward, and it is probably in the natural course of things, that you don't have as much in common with Mormons anymore. There's nothing bad or wrong about that. You don't know each other's children or spouses. You live in different areas. The sports teams and clubs probably are not the same, anymore. Maybe you don't even play that sport, anymore. Move on with friends and family that you DO share interests with, here and now.

Keep sending Christmas cards, and keeping in touch, if you want. Many "normal" friends, do this, without putting demands upon each other.

IMO, I think that Mormons try to be too intimate with each other. They don't respect boundaries of privacy, individuality, free thought, creativity, humor, personality. They might not accept your new-found, more independent "personality."

So what if your friendships have altered. You have moved on.

Just tell them you won't be able to make it - no further explanations need be given.

You do not owe anyone the effort of travelling out of state to a high school reunion. Good grief.

What "they" want does not matter.

You obviously do not want to revisit old scenes of pain and that's alright.
Don't go.

If you had people who you see as real friends and you want to see them, then go see them. If the whole idea is painful and you feel that you have nothing to gain, then don't go.

I have one friend who when we see eachother would go on and on about his kids at BYU and all of the temple work he does, and everything church related. Finally I said (with a smile), look (friend's name), I wrote a formal letter of my resignation from the church, gave it to my Bishop, and waited to get a confirmation from the church that I am no longer a church member. I am a non-member now, with no intention to come back. Finally he got it. We're still friends but we don't have much to talk about any more.

I have been as forward with other friends and there has been no bad affects at all to the friendship. Occasionally one friend sends me a church-positive link. I follow-up with something similar that is church-negative. We laugh about that together when we see eachother.

When it comes to reunions, if you want to go, prepare to play hardball at a moment's notice. If someone in the food line tries to emberras you with encouragements to come back, be prepared to say something outloud like "...hey, at least now, no one threatens to cut my throat open from ear to ear"(then laugh and act like nothing important was just said, as several people who heard it and simmer with unspoken anger). Go knowing that if they play nice, you will play nice and that if they try to subtly shame or bully you for leaving the church, everyone within earshot will lose except for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/18/2018 10:25AM by azsteve.

Yes ^^^^

Read AzSteve's posts on being a good example of an ex-mormon.

Verbally using the secret temple rituals as examples that Mormonism is a cult is brilliant. Exposing sacred secrets to the light of day, calmly and rationally, is the best way to blow the lid off the mystique, the fear, and the threats that Mormons use to manipulate the minions.

"...hey, at least now, no one threatens to cut my throat open from ear to ear", and then chuckle, and change the subject. I can use these words because I went through the temple during the last years they used the death oath pantomimes. Yes, it horrified me!

This is a way of behaving as though you don't care what they think. Soon, you really won't care.

ExFakeFriend, you need to stop behaving like a victim! You seem to be in a position of power, at last, now that you have left. Congratulate yourself! Enjoy that power! You have earned it!

Friendship is over-rated, in the TSCC community. For them "friends" means "recruits." You have left your old victim self in the past, and you need to understand that it's the old Mormon brainwashing that makes you think you "don't have enough friends."

It's the old TSCC brainwashing that tells you that you "owe" something to your friends. Perhaps Love isn't the only thing that ought to be unconditional. How about "unconditional friendship?" Like unconditional love, this is also un-heard-of in Mormon society.

Real friends don't make unreasonable demands on each other. They don't try to manipulate or bully each other. Like one poster advised, go through each friendship, individually, and figure out their motives, and which friends are your real friends.

Instead of worrying about the friends that are fake, you can concentrate on people you LOVE, and who love you back. You have your children and probably a few normal relatives, business colleagues, non-Mormon friends--which is way above the average of 3-5 close friendships.

I'm single, and I prefer to go alone to social and business functions. If I don't know anyone there, I don't go. I'm proud of being independent, and it is easier to "work a room" without dragging someone along with me. Introducing your companion to others can be awkward, if you can't remember everyone's name. I can freely move away from obnoxious gossiping and church-talk. The best part of it is, that I can go home whenever I want to.

You're only as obligated as YOU make yourself.

"Worrying about what people think makes a far better prison than iron bars."

-- Judic West, Ambassador to the Court of Common Sense

I think you should first consider what you owe yourself and everything else will fall into place.

Thank you all for your good advice. I need it.

It seems strange that I'm in the throes of weeding out the toxic Mormon friends from the past, while some of you on RFM are anxious to have MORE friends.

But, we are all looking for relationships that are genuine, with no ulterior motives.

Maybe the bottom line is that ex-Mormons are tired of being used. Maybe we long to be loved unconditionally. I feel totally burnt out.

It's time to stop being afraid of what these people think of me. After reading RFM for a while, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps most Mormons are either idiots or con-artists, anyway, lol.

"...but they want "a head-count" right now. I'm just one number in a head-count."

Bingo. To them you're a number. They need your number so they can feel good about themselves. Has nothing to do with you.


"Do I owe them? Would a TRUE friend take the trouble to go to the reunions, anyway? Being raised Mormon, sometimes I don't have a clue what real friendship is!"

Would a true friend exploit you? Mormons are all about external appearance and behavior so they perfect the "fake good" - to the extent the external is completely divorced from the internal. Small wonder they have no idea what is friendship. Or love. Small wonder these age so rapidly. The body knows.


"Am I in danger of becoming a recluse, because I would rather stay home and play with my family, or read a good book, or even do my taxes and clean the garage?"

What is wrong with being a recluse for a time, or even the rest of a lifetime? Walden Pond it and see.


"What's going on?"

You're waking up. Seeing. Asking questions. Making conscious decisions. And with any decision heart and gut always speak truth; the head talks us away from truth.


But it is uncomfortable for a time.

Neo: "why do my eyes hurt?"
Morpheus: "because you've never used them."

"But, we are all looking for relationships that are genuine, with no ulterior motives."

Hard to un-learn the conditioning and re-connect with The Real within us; it has always been there but obscured by LDS shoulds. Becoming completely comfortable with this at first feels wrong, because in Mormondom, self-peace threatens their control, so it is labeled "sin." But the sun has always been there above the LDS cloud deck overcast; just need to again find it.

Once peaceful and centered, will find those of like frequency coming into your life. It happens of itself.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/20/2018 12:05PM by zenjamin.

You understand!!!!

How sweet it is to find people who understand what's going on! I'm just sorry that some of us have experienced cult-generated angst and guilt, and have lost the love of dear ones, in the process of leaving.

Sad--but living in Truth, and enjoying our "rights" is more than worth any sacrifices made. I guess what we gave up was never real, in the first place--just smoke and mirrors, empty threats, and false promises.

My children and I are so happy to be out from under that depressing "cloud overcast."

"I guess what we gave up was never real, in the first place--just smoke and mirrors, empty threats, and false promises."
True - yet even so it was/is so difficult! It is a lonely journey saying good-bye to the world we once knew, to who we once were, moving bravely towards what was then an unknown, sometimes not knowing even why. It is kind of a small death. We did not know the butterfly emerges from what once was.

So yes it is a true delight to find those who travel alongside on this path!

If friendships are on someone else's terms, they're not friendships. You become an actor in a play they're writing for themselves.

I have become kind of a recluse because of my life as a whole i think. If i go out in the open i risk being made fun off because i am an easy target because i don't talk much. I am the most obvious abuse victim you could ever find i think. I burned all my old bridges but there is something wrong still, the abusers are still alive and some live close and i don't like that. Mormonism has made me think abuse is normal and ok in the sight of god because god does not intervene at least for me. People say i abandoned god? Bullsh#t, god abandoned me. I live in the past and i still want some kind of justice for all of the victims of the cult. I want god to suffer for twenty long years while i try to live a normal life haha good one adam. God doesn't suffer but i sure as hell did.

Is there some place you'd rather go? Go there.

I went to my 20 year class reunion. What waste of time and money that was. Everyone was the same as in HS. Just older and fatter.

"If friendships are on someone else's terms, they're not friendships. You become an actor in a play they're writing for themselves."

This is exactly how I feel, among my Mormon former friends. Now that I'm no longer the following their script, they have found other actors to play the part.

Thank you, OP, for this thread. I didn't go to my reunion last year, and I got the photos, a few months later. It did look like the same-old cliques. The boy-crazy girls huddled at one table, complaining about their husbands, who weren't there. The good ol' boys drinking club (all divorced) were at another table, the stuffy Mormons with their spouses had their separate, non-drinking table, and the rest were all married couples. It looked like nothing had changed, except, as Janis said, they were all older and fatter. They didn't look particularly happy.

I used the money I saved to redo my master bathroom.