Posted by:
The Man in Black
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Date: June 04, 2011 08:49PM
Brother's and Sisters (note to self: snicker a bit as you read this part. Brother's is possessive, while sisters is not—they won't even notice it when spoken! Half wouldn't in writing! Ha hah!). What an honor it is to have you all here again! What a fantastic opportunity to establish the moral pecking order of our little subculture.
Today's topic is families can be together forever.
Sadly, not all of us will be together forever. Some of us will stray to lower kingdoms. While our doctrine clearly states that those of higher kingdoms can eternally visit lower kingdoms at will; I bear testimoney that they totally will not. You will not be on anyone's fav five list. You will be cut off forever from the presence of those whom you love. And even though this is clearly contrary to doctrine, it is true. The Lord our Eternal Father is here today to make you a deal so that you will not be cut off. He is here to make you an offer you can't refuse.
Brother's and Sisters (Did it again!—smirk) the Lord our Divine and Eternal Father would like to teach us, his children a beautiful lesson. That lesson is the law of tithing.
To reflect on the lesson of tithing I suggest we consider the implications of what it would be like to teach it to our children as our father has taught it to us. It would go like this... First, tell your children that they are going to burn them to death and make good on the threat by purchasing a butane torch. Then, tell your children that you have a plan by which they can be saved from the scorching heat (turn on the flame). Next, tell them that after you burn them they can never see you again. Good. These are children who will not go to Hell, since you have now effectively scared the Hell out of them.
Now that your children have the proper motivation, make them an offer. They don't have to be burned and they can still live with you but only if they give you back 10% of everything they have, because as a parent, the stuff you little child has is really really worth your time to take back. Take a bite of his Popsicle (10% gross). Take his one favorite toy of any ten toys you see. Now make sure he (I may have a gender bias) understands that if he ever stops letting you take his toys and eat his food the deal is off and out comes the torch.
Brother's and Sisters (LOL never gets old!). As you can see this is the example our Father has set for us his beloved children. It is indisputably the most divine parenting example ever set. May we all strive to be such loving parents. After all that's what Mafia means. Family. Isn't it about crime?
My dear literal yet somehow not literal 'ward family.' Eternity with you is entirely too short a time span to spend with such wonderful people. That's why we have Fast and Testimony meeting each month. So that we may feel what spending eternity with each other is really like. Again, and again, and again. Forever.
Whom Would Jesus Burn?
Play Pen.
**Man in Black does not endorse the burning or abandonment of children. Tithing is a registered trademark of the Corporation of Latter-Day Saints. All claims made on this post do not reflect the opinion of R.F.M, M.I.B. S.O.B. or L.S.D. The contents of this post are intended for illustrative purposes only. All rights reserved.