Thankfully I have only been in the church for a few months. I'm 23 years old. I've had doubts since the beginning, but allowed myself to be sucked in by the beautiful picture that was painted for my mind, and the wonderfully seeming extraordinarily nice and caring people. I wanted so badly for it to be true that I listened when the missionaries told me to just ignore any negative thing I heard about the church. Don't even read that stuff, they said, it's all lies. I knew deep down those things would come back to bite me in the ass if I ignored them, but I did anyway. My conversion story was perfect, I prayed about what church I should go to (not considering the LDS church at all, mind you) and the missionaries sort of magically appeared. Church members loved hearing that story, of course, but admittedly, every time I told it, I didn't truly believe it. I never felt like I was being true to myself. I was trying to make a reality that I wanted; the way I wish the world was, but not in fact true reality. I've realized this is how all LDS people are. None of them really and truly believe that it is true. They love the lifestyle and so they choose to play the part and try to convince themselves and everyone else that it is true. That's why they feel they need to say "I know the church is true" so often. I always thought that was kind of strange. Who are they trying to convince? And it really bothered me when I saw he broadcasts of General Authorities, not letting the "Holy Spirit" give them the words to say, but reading from the teleprompters....really? And then there's the church history which I really haven't even delved into, but I've heard enough to make my decision to leave the church. When I met the missionaries I really enjoyed having them over to teach me. It was fun, they brought good energy which at the time I thought was the Spirit, and I considered them my friends. And when I went to church, everyone was sooooo freakin nice. I started making friends so quickly, and everything just seemed to be falling into place. I was baptized after 3 weeks and genuinely happy to hand my life over to what I believed was "the one true church on earth." I made 3 girl friends who had just returned from their missions who I was starting to get close to and suddenly they all got boyfriends and were engaged and getting married within weeks and had no time for me. Then the missionaries left, and I had no one. Sure, visiting teachers and home teachers were nice, but nobody really knew me or ever took the time to invite me to just hang out, outside of the church activities. I felt like I was just their project and they were just acting like my friends because it was their duty in order to "follow the commandments" so they could go to the "Celestial Kingdom". That's when I really started having doubts. From the beginning when I prayed I never really felt like I got an answer or the "burning in the bosom" or what have you. But I ignored it because I wanted the church to be true!!! Let me tell you, it's not worth it to try to make yourself believe something is true just because it sounds good. It will eat away at your soul (or just your person...I'm not sure I have a soul?) because you are not being true to yourself! I was raised Christian and taught to rely on God my entire life. I never really learned to be self-reliant. Now I have completely lost my faith in God because I realize how many times I have prayed and not received an answer. I've never felt God's hand in my life or whatever it is other people are so sure they feel. Are they all lying? I suppose some people are just better at making themselves believe something. So now I am feeling a lot of emotions. I feel happy that I have realized the truth and am now free to live my life the way that I want to and not be controlled by an organization. But I am also feeling very lost because I pretty much had my entire identity in God and my purpose was to serve God and now I don't really know who I am or what I want or where to start. I also don't really have any friends and I'm not sure how to start making them at this age. I'm very shy. I also feel angry at myself for letting myself be manipulated and deceived. I guess it could be a lot worse like if I had been in the church for many years or had gone on a mission (which I was planning to do!) or gotten married, so I should be happy. I just hope I can find myself and find happiness and make it through this life on my own. I guess I still believe everything happens for a reason. Life is all about learning and finding yourself and unfortunately I seem to always learn things the hard way...

My dear girl...LEAVE now.

You are describing everything I have seen and lived.

If I could get my 10 years back, I would so go a different path.

Don't be mad at yourself. At the core of humanity is the desire to believe.

Just go, make new friends...When you do go inactive, you will get calls, and emails and invitations to hang out.

Do not go, because you now know that MORGdom isn't about the person, it is about the numbers and checklists.

It's not about relationships!

I know what you mean by always having your identity in GOD and now feeling like you have been betrayed in the highest possible way.

I don't know what to tell you. I am choosing not to give up on GOD and trust that this too shall come to pass and something good is going to come out of it.

Others don't see it that way and that is an option too, the good thing about not being a MORGbot, you can really choose what you want!

Just dissociate yourself immediately, the longer you stay the worse it gets.

I am soooooo happy for you. Just keep walking and don't look back!

One thing I learned was, Mormons do not have a monopoly on the spirit. People truly do have amazing experiences they credit to God, they aren't lying. Whether it really was God or just coincidence, who knows? They aren't lying though, at least not most I've met. I worry about the same things you do, is it all fake? Is it all lies? Everyone comes to their own peace about this. For me, I'm ok believing in Christ as a humanitarian and following his example. I'm not ok with people saying God is punishing people (ie: Japan) with natural disasters. You may come to a different conclusion. I know you will get tons of great advice here, it has helped me immensely! Hang in there, things get better.

like you are a person who likes to fully commit to things. This time, it was the wrong thing, and you will learn from that.

I can identify with your concerns. A lot of leave because as introverts, we don't like the social pressures of the church. Then without it, I fall into very unsociable behavior because it is more comfortable even when I'm lonely. It's a pattern I will work on my whole life I'm sure.

I'm glad you've seen the truth about the church. You can take your time figuring out what to do with the rest of religion, but Mormonism gave it all a bad flavor for me too.

You're going to be more than fine - you'll be GREAT! And you won't believe how many friends are just waiting to meet you. Good luck.

"I suppose some people are just better at making themselves believe something."

Yep. I think that's exactly right. There's a certain comfort in having others map it all out for you. You don't have to do any thinking. You just follow them.

I'm glad you're realizing it's just not going to work. One can't live a charade forever. It becomes exhausting. Sooner or later our true selves are going to emerge again.

Thank goodness you didn't marry in the temple.

Your community newspaper should have regular notices for club meetings on a variety of topics. The Sierra Club or a local hiking club will get you out into the sunshine and moving! You can meet people by volunteering for Habitat for Humanity or your local animal shelter (volunteer to walk their dogs and you will meet a *ton* of people.) Pursue a sport (how about golf lessons?) or take a cooking class at your local community college. There are community sororities such a Beta Sigma Phi, along with chapters of the American Association of University Women. If you are interested in archeology, contact your community archeologist or a professor at a local college -- often there are digs in which ordinary citizens can participate. Finally, come to any exmo gatherings in your area. Some are annouced here, and many are announced over at the PostMo board.

Those are some ideas to get you started. Get out of the house, get active, and you will meet people.

Also, if you still have any remnant of spirituality at all, consider investigating the Unitarian Universalist church. It's a very open-minded church. You don't even have to believe in God!

And BTW, welcome! We are glad to have you here.