My ex and I have a tradition with our adult children to have simple birthday dinners with our kids. Our son asked for a very low key, no embarrassment dinner at his fave local haunt.

The ex texted me to say he got there early and has a table. The kids and I arrive together, only to find a strange women my kids have never met sitting down next to their Dad. I immediately get weird vibes. I have met other women he has dated before, with planning, and have no issue with it. The ex and I friendly for the sake of our kids only.

The restaurant is casual and while the rest of the group go off to the salad bar the gf decides to stay behind to chat with me. It was one of the most tense and uncomfortable four minute conversations of my life.

*The ex was going to drop her off to her house, but she insisted on coming because "they were together now" and he was just going to have to deal with the fact that I needed to meet her. (Not the kids meet her...that *I* meet her?)

*She proceeds to tell me in rapid fire that she was recently divorced to an abusive man, lost everything, lives in a half way house, doesn't have a car or a job and is a recovered alcoholic..but was soooo happy to be spending sooo much time with my ex. I had a very sad epiphany right then. The best thing she had going for her in her life was him. The best thing he had going on in his life was her. Karma had arrived.

*She tells me that my ex told her not to fight with me. I responded with "Pardon? That doesn't sound like something ex would say and its not in my character, but that's funny. I think we can be adults." She replies "Well I told him that exes are exes for a reason". (At this point with the above knowledge I wanted to mention that I was also married to an abusive man once and left HIM. She was now dating him.I refrained from sharing this info)

*My kids go silent and very tense. They were thrown into meeting this person out of the blue and said nothing. She didn't attempt to make any connection with them.

*There was a lot of awkward silence and while I'm calm I'm wondering if I should discuss with the ex later that it was not ok to put any of us in this situation. I kept conversation to simple topics (the weather, school, work).

*The gf makes a comment how my daughters plate is all veggies and daughter states that she is a vegan. Her Dad gets his plate (mostly meat) and the gf makes a statement to the ex "That is a plate full of dead animals". My daughter stopped eating her meal and was shaky. I lean over and ask her if she was ok. This was so not like her to be stone quiet. She says "tell you later".

*The gf then launches into a "share" to my ex about some lab results that she just got back. "I don't have anything and I can still have more kids". Yep folks, the gf just told everyone in public the simplest way to say "I don't have STD's and you can impregnate me". The entire table went silent, including my ex who was clearly uncomfortable. (I admit, I enjoyed seeing him squirm at this freakish display of new gf whipping every territorial tactic of clinginess)

*I distract awkwardness saying how our Son got his letter for his College Graduation date. However, Son announces that he doesn't want to do the ceremony, which Im a bit disappointed, but respect his choice. He doesn't like ceremonies. Ex asks if son is sure and Son confirms. Son then states "But maybe Mom suggested maybe we do a dinner out". All eyes go on me, including the gf and I said "Yes, but we can figure out the plans of that later". I already knew that this woman would NOT be invited by me, and I did not want to give the impression that she is now playing happy family with us. Our kids say nothing more thru the meal.

*My ex plays me a compliment which shocks me. I was taken aback because it was actually one of the nicest things he has said to me in years. I thanked him right away and said that was very kind of him.

Gf goes silent for two minutes, then yanks his chair and says "Sit closer to me, I can see the floor between us. I like us touching like we usually do".

Honestly, my head is spinning so hard at this point to tell my face not to show my truest thoughts. Is this real? Is this really going on. I turn to my daughter again, her half-eaten plate and she is clearly uncomfortable. I had maybe 6 bites of my plate and claimed I was full from a large breakfast. Son plows thru his meal like he is late for work.

*Ex wanted to take all of us out for ice-cream and daughter being vegan-no dairy politely declines. She states she is not feeling well and she drove, so I gather my things and with all I could muster totally lied and said "It was nice meeting you" and thanked my ex for paying for lunch. (Least he could do for creating this bonehead disaster)

*We all stand, the kids say nothing (which shocked me because they are never rude to anyone) and we all go our separate ways. As soon as I get in the car with my daughter, she tells me her thoughts. "Mom you know how when you just meet certain people they rub you the wrong way? There is something really wrong with her and I want nothing to do with her".

I ask her why does she think/feel that way? She expresses how she just creeped her out, was mad at her Dad for forcing the meet on them at this time. She has nothing against her Dad dating and wants him to be happy, but this event appalled her that he would even put up with the situation. She turns to me and says "Mom I don't even know how you stayed as calm and self controlled as you did".

I turn to her and say "Honey, that is because I work in mental health issues. I handle stuff like this all the time."

She laughs and I said "I doubt you have anything to worry about in the future. I don't see this situation working out very well."

I encouraged her to talk to her Dad. Our Son apparently texted a angry note to his Dad. Our daughter has made it clear the gf is not invited to her Birthday dinner coming up. I told her I would honor her wishes and if her Dad cant tell the gf that she is not invited, then neither is he.

I'm not putting my kids through another situation like this. My Son didn't get the simple, drama free lunch he requested. I told him that just he and his sister will go out with him later this week and he agreed.

When I get home, I decide to walk of some tension with my dog. I walk past my favorite neighbors house to say hello as he relaxes in a chair in his yard. He comments that I have a big smile on my face and I said that it was because I just had the biggest laugh from a surreal afternoon. He invites me over to chat a bit and I give him the heads up. He comments how he met my ex and his new gf while they were parked in front of my house waiting to give Son a ride to work.

I said "Oh really?" Neighbor tells me "I have seen all kinds of things in life and RMM, that woman is nuts". We laugh and my neighbor asks if I'm renting out my house any time soon. I was totally confused.

He then tells me how the gf (not my ex) proceeds to tell my neighbor they knew I was considering moving out of state next year to be with my elderly parents and a new job (My kids are in college and I'm single). The GF states "they" (my ex and her) were looking for a house to rent and that I should just let my kids rent my house from me and they (meaning my ex and this gf and the kids) could all live there. In my house?
WTH?

I assured my neighbor, that if I move out of state I'm selling my house. The kids have jobs and college. I also have their full support.

To make all the above even funnier...they have only been dating three weeks.

They are both LDS and my ex would not be considering living with another woman that he wasn't married to. He would be too afraid to lose his church standing. But, while he is a bonehead, he would not considered getting married after three weeks. He dated his last gf for 3 years and wouldn't commit. This new gf is already planning an entire future including babies!

Oh, have I mentioned that Im still the "sealed first wife" from the Temple? Gee, Im glad I never cancelled that now, because if they ever want to fix that I could always claim that I saw the error of my ways too late, Im going to recommit and be with THEM FOREVER:) LMAO

Pass the popcorn. You cant make up stuff this dysfunctional and hysterical!

Here I am thinking of the day when he told me he would replace me with someone better and honestly, I hoped he would be with someone to make him happy. He was abusive when I left Mormonism and did some messed up cruel things to "teach me a lesson" on what it was like to be without a Priesthood holder. I forgave him, but refused to take him back.

This is the situation he found himself in? Simply being Mormon is the "standard"?

It took a few years, but I went back to school, worked my way up the ladder, raised the kids by myself,and got out of debt. I dated a bit, but I didn't want to feel I ever HAD to get married again. I'm happy and proud of my life now:)

RMM

You handled an incredibly awkward situation beautifully, RMM.

Kudos from me, because I don't think I would have done anywhere near what you were able to do (and you were blindsided, too!).

Well done!

Wow. That woman is sure a mess. Maybe they do deserve each other! I would keep a sharp eye out because if she is that presumptuous now, it will only get worse. Keep everything at your house under lock and key, and instruct your son to *never* let her in the door, or let her "borrow" anything.

I would say it is time to end the "tradition" of having simple birthday dinners with your adult kids AND your ex. It is not like they are small and you have to keep up appearances to help them adjust. They are adults with minds of their own.

I would tell your kids that you will not be doing the dinners with your ex anymore, but you are more than willing to take them out for dinner...and your ex can do the same on his time. Win/Win. You don't have to face the surprise and awkwardness of being with your ex and his latest "flavor of the month", and the kids get two dinners out of it. They are adults...he is your ex...time to cut him out.

Just sayin'

She sounds like a narcissist. I am not saying that to be mean.
This would be "false image projection","boundary violation" and "emotional coercion".

That coupled with her sketchy past. This is her on her best behavior.

I would say you all need to keep your guard up. Give her the benefit of the doubt, but treat her like you would a well trained bear... be very very careful!

The gf sounds a whole lot like my husband's narcissist ex wife. They have a tendency to swoop in and get their hooks in their victims quickly, then wreak havoc on their lives. Any relations with a narcissist will cause ripple effects, which can cause drama for everyone in their sphere.

I commend you for keeping your cool and being classy. I don't think I could have done so well!

I also agree with Jaxson. Let your ex handle his narcissist. You focus on your relationship with your kids.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/23/2018 12:09AM by knotheadusc.

His girlfriend has issues and baggage.

If her being LDS is his sole criteria for dating her, he has reduced his standards to nil.

I wouldn't have dinners with the ex and kids again as he can't be trusted. As for the girl friend, avoid her at any cost. No lunches and no contact.

If she shows up, be ready to tell her you're not available to talk or have contact with her.

If she shows up at a dinner, tell the kids you all need to leave. Then go to another place.

I like Cheryl's advice because running into her again is inevitable.

Roughly how old is she? I wouldn't doubt that there is a criminal record attached to her.

I'm wondering about that as well. A criminal background check might be money well spent.

This nutcase has plans for you and your house?
Good heavens,refuse any further contact with her.

Your ex must be highly unstable too if he does what she wants. Yikes.

Elyse Wrote:
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> This nutcase has plans for you and your house?

An excellent demonstration of GF's "boundaries violation," as aptly mentioned by kilgravmaga, above. She has no business suggesting such plans with a mere neighbor. Not only is it out of line, but foolish to reveal strategy. She might be an Asperger-type, very deficient in following other people's agendae, signals, desires, and stateents.

Thank you for sharing. Seriously. The entertainment value of that was well worth it---worth it for me to read, anyway. Haha.

Your kids obviously appreciate who you are as a human being besides loving you as their mother. In an odd way, what gf did was a very nice thing to do. She has removed all doubt forever as to who is the sane, grounded, and more interesting adult in the scenario. She provided such a contrast to you that it was like she was polishing your halo. Not that I believe in halos.

There is a lot of value in restraint at times. No?

Your kids have now tasted the bitter and are ready to enjoy the sweet even more than ever.

I usually avoid long posts but this one had me hooked. You just can't make this stuff up. Someone on thread mentioned a background check, I agree. You spend about $20 for an online one.

A caution about 'online background checks'...

Even the most sophisticated 'available to the public' computer search can come up short. This is because they depend on accessing computerized court records.

Say you meet a person in Los Angeles, CA, USA, and you decide to do a criminal background on said person. You can go online, register with the Los Angeles Superior Court and pay a fee to access both their civil and criminal indicies. So you run the name and you get some hits. But is it your person? If his/her name is common, there's a good chance it isn't your person. If it's a really weird name, then good chance it is your person, if the time frame is right. Criminal records don't get put online for arrests/convictions that occurred before turning 18.

So now you know about LA County. But what if the person has told you he/she grew up in Northern California? Now you have to check the counties up there and more than a few are not online! Which means that even if you use a national service, like Lexisnexis, they are not going to have the needed info from the non-online counties.

Finally, what makes you think that the person you want to check on gave you his/her real name? You checked his driver license? Really good fake ones can be purchased online. But it is easy to check out the address supplied as their residence; that's an easy way to start vetting the person.

Thank you all to who read. Yes, the sole reason I posted this was for comedic value.

My kids have showed some extra affection and appreciation of me since this...I assured them I AM FINE. I am not offended, hurt or upset by this new woman. My only concern is if THEY are ok. I always told my ex that who ever he ends up with better be good to my kids (child or adult matters not) or they have to deal with me. Up until now, all his past gf's have been decent/nice with the kids.

My ex has a habit of introducing people way too soon to the kids in his relationships. I've seen the glow in the gf's eyes thinking meeting the kids/his Mother is some sort of relationship marker. I honestly think its his form of self-sabotage.

When I date, NO ONE meets my kids unless its serious. No one has gotten that far yet. My kids know and my date knows and everyone is on board. My kids tell me all the time they want me to be happy (which I am with or without a partner) but they clearly state that I need a partner who treats me as a respected equal. As my kids became adults, both of them have said "I see why you divorced Dad".

I see this new GF as an opportunist and desperate to get her hands on a LDS man. I can see her motives a mile away and start playing happy family games. While Im sure my ex is enjoying being with a younger woman, he is clearly not thinking about HER goals of having more children. (He just turned 60) By the way, the ex is also a narcissist and I have to laugh how these two interact. Right now his ego is stroked. As she demands more and more and becomes more controlling...his true side will roll out. Right now its all the fantasy bubble.

She will not be joining us in family functions. We are fine without Dad joining us. As for background check...I don't have enough info on her yet. Fortunately, my kids are legal adults and they don't have to be subjected to any visitations with her.

I am still a bit numb that someone meeting their partners ex and kids would behave this way....as someone said THAT was on "best behavior" first meet too!

I am gentle and sweet 99.9 of the time. But, I'm very savvy to manipulation from anyone (thanks to my experience from the ex) and I am not afraid to put the ex or his nutjob in their places.

Also at that disastrous lunch, she mentioned she saw my kind neighbor. I mentioned oh he is such a dear friend and looks out for me. I mentioned he is protective since he chased off a stalker of mine about a year ago from my house.

The GF says "Don't you hate people like that?". I said, "I hate no one...its wasted energy. But I have no problem banning toxic people from my life." She was quiet.

And yes, internally I thanked her for polishing my halo:) She just made me look better to my kids, my ex and my ex mother in law.

RMM

Sounds like your ex was uncomfortable also.It doesn’t even seem like a 2 way relationship .She could of just pestered her way into having your ex take her. She seems desperate,maybe they’re not getting along .He May even be trying to break off with her.
I don’t see it lasting much longer, and I agree with the others about the background check. A half way house usually involves some level of crime involved, probation?

Do they go to a halfway house after rehab? If so, maybe she's freshly out of that?

and his boyfriends, but your story beats any of those.

What your ex and this woman did to your son, daughter, and you was despicable.