I am really thinking that perhaps its time.

I am concerned because, well there is that part that says its not right.

Then there is my body screaming a language I am not too familiar with.

Being mormon puts so much angst in you

Now this is not to say I am looking, and there is no-one anyway.

I wouldn't even know how to go about the whole thing.

Who knows.

Ideas? Advice?

I think it was a form of recovery for me. Or perhaps it was a great way for me to exorcise my demons. I was a virgin until I left the church and when I started to date nevermos I realized that it was okay to have sex with someone I didn't intend to marry. I also realized that I really enjoyed it.

As a nurse I have to point out the importance of protecting yourself, but that said, the joy of being an exmormon is the ability to truly make decisions for yourself. If you want to hold off sex until you marry, that's still an option and still your choice. I don't know your situation and I don't hang around the boards enough to know individuals' stories but if you want to have fun, go for it. If you want to be more sedate that's completely acceptable too. A part of me almost felt like I had to lose my virginity to lose part of the stigma of mormonism.

Anyway, I don't know if I truly answered your question or not but I hope it helped in some way anyway.

Well I don't know that I just want to have random sex.

I'd like to be in a loving relationship.

If I could find someone who doesn't want sex as part of the deal, I'd be so thrilled.

I want someone to like me for me, how do you know?

As a total sex fiend who has a very very very checkered past (yes, I was usually safe, and when I wasn't safe I guess I was lucky, but I trek my ass down for testing every six months anyway) I can tell you that there's a really easy way to tell if someone just wants you for sex and doesn't really like you for you. Actually, there are two ways.

1. Sleep with them. Since you have no idea what you're doing and will be nervous and all, make sure whoever you're sleeping with is fully aware of your current lack of experience. It's less terrifying if you're not trying to hide your ignorance and avoid being found out. If they stick around, and if they're happy to spend time with you that involves being fully clothed, then they clearly weren't just using you for sex. Doesn't mean the relationship won't go bad. Doesn't mean they're nice or your soulmate or anything like that. Dating is tons of fun when it isn't busy sucking.

2. Don't sleep with them. Make your position clear. Get to know them slowly, and don't go all the way until you're sure. And even if you're sure, you can never really be sure. And you're gonna get used and left and feel like crap sometimes, but that's all part of the human experience. Every girl that's ever broken my heart has made me a better person in the long run. Just go live and have fun and don't stress about it so much.

That's just my advice.

Yes.

Be safe. Be smart.

Yes I saw your post on sex.

I believe you are also married.

Just do the whole human race a favor and wear a condom. ok?
(assuming you're not a kid)

Goodness. No I am not asking if I should or shouldn't.

Just looking at the options.

I could read, I could eat, I could exercise, I could do anything.

Perhaps sex is the wrong question.

Being in the Church I find I have no relationships.

Gosh.

Is the situation that dire?

If I understand you right, you're asking about how to go about finding people to date? Right?

I think that's one of the hardest things for people in any group to figure out. I've had a lot of success with online sites. I am a travel nurse and move around every 3-6 months which makes relationships pretty difficult. I'm no longer religious. I've tried a myriad of other religions until I reached the conclusion that they are all different versions of fairy tales and I can make up my own much better. So the thought of going to church makes me cringe. However, if you are interested in other religions, those are usually great places to meet people to date.

To be honest though I find dating after mormonism pretty difficult. Primarily because of my religious beliefs (or non-beliefs) which makes it difficult for me to want to be with someone who believes in something that I'm no longer comfortable with. Which is another reason online dating is nice. You're able to be specific. I know there are exmormon dating websites. I don't know how successful they are, though.

I hope I understood what you were asking. Good luck. If you find some hints feel free to share. ;)

yes dating.

Dating is not necessarily relationship.

Sex is not dating either.

I still believe in God.

I have spent a lot of time questioning this whole religion thing.

Sex sounds fun. But it is not connecting.

How would sex differ from Mormonism?

Its all technical. Anyone can have sex.

I certainly don't want to find myself on a sex recovery program if you catch my drift.

Can a girl just have sex and walk away like a man?

Well, I'm a girl and I've been able to have sex without becoming emotionally involved. I kinda tried quite a few different things when I decided to completely "free" myself. After awhile though I have to admit that I got kind of tired of it. Most of the time casual sex didn't bother me in the least. In fact, I preferred it that way. The guys I was sleeping with, although being great guys, weren't men I'd want to marry or have meaningful relationships with. (I'm actually still pretty good friends with most of them.)

However, the last relationship put a bad taste in my mouth for casual sex. I started to develop deep feelings for him, but we had started out as just friends with benefits. After a few months, he then found someone else and we reverted to just friends. Some hurt feelings were involved and I decided then that I had had my casual sex days and wanted to wait to have sex until I was in a serious relationship. (Of course, as time goes on I'm not saying I won't have casual sex but it will be more for opening the gasket to relieve pressure than anything else.)

I guess if you go into it knowing that if you start it as casual then chances are that's the way it will always be. If you want to only have sex in a meaningful relationship then you may want to wait until the relationship develops to a point where you can see that's where it's heading.

Hope this helps.

Okee dokee.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are [I don't care about age, just curious]

I don't have a problem attracting men.

The problem is the reason I attract them.

I don't want to sound crass, I am just saying what I am told.

The message I always get is I want to F&*$ You.

So I wonder to myself, okay really? Is that what I am good for?

And what about me screams that? My garment wearing mormon style surely is not provocative by any stretch of the imagination!

If a man is interested in you OF COURSE he'll want to have sex with you (the reverse is not always true, as we all know). It's how men are wired.

Finding one who is interested but willing to wait - while not impossible - is going to be a tall order.

I don't mind sharing my age. I'm 29. I was 26 when I left the church. I don't have trouble with men being attracted to me, either. My problem is that I'm starting to get the itch to get married and don't want to marry someone religious. It was difficult enough when I cut mormons out of the dating pool. When I realized I didn't believe in Christianity it narrowed the pool even more.

Well there are many folks who are not religious.

Ha ha ha ha ha there are 1.5Billion+ muslims so that is a huge pool of nutjobs!

There are very nominal christians, they profess, but do nothing so, that is an option.

There are many atheists out there.

Well 29 is not bad at all!

I do want to be married, I am pretty sure I want kids too.

Well, hey i understand that 91% of single people do get married so that is good news.

you are playing a dangerous game - that's all

you totally jumped my throat on the stress and cancer thread.

You know often what is written is lost in translation.

Is it possible to mean something that you fail to convey in paper? YES.

A break up between two people is very stressful. we are built for relationship.

When my dad died [a man to whom the only connection was the sperm he donated, at least I thought], I just lost it.

So I can't imagine what it is like to loose someone you truly love, a break-up is to blame for the sole reason you broke up.

Not the people but the situation. Do you get that?

to answer your question on stress would require an extensive write up, time for which I don't have and so many intelligent NOBEL PEACE prize winners have gone before me.

here is a link http://raypeat.com/articles/articles/lactate.shtml

dude, i think you are just trying to get attention.
in way you are looking for someone to stop you --you are used to being told what to think, what to do, what to say.

now that you finally realized you are on your own, you are too scared to make a decision that's your own.

if you are too horny, just get fucked and that's it.

get over it.

be smart, think for yourself, and grow up already.

No, but it's a danged-good blackmail device. "Booty blackmail"!

Just sayin'....

Ron

Abish, if you don't think sex is part of the relationship you're lost in right field.
You have sex with, live with, laugh with, cry with and love life with someone to establish a relationship. The "mormon" way is no way to do anything.

... your question will be answered.

Timothy

Sex can be anything you want it to be, from a casual fling to let off some pressure to a physical manifestation of the connection between two souls who love each other very much. Take time to figure out what exactly you want, be honest with your partner and go from there...

I think you've either never had sex or have very little experience with relationships in general.

My advice is to not focus on sex. Focus on making friends and building relationships. Sex may come out of one of those friendships.

Using random promiscuous sex as therapy sounds sort of risky to me and I am all for random promiscuous sex. But not as a healing thing. I think if you don't have your head on straight to begin with, randomly boinking strangers could be a bit damaging.

These two statements,
"I'd like to be in a loving relationship."

And

"If I could find someone who doesn't want sex as part of the deal, I'd be so thrilled."

pretty much contradict each other. So my advice was to build a loving relationship first, the sex part of that will take care of itself.

"I want someone to like me for me, how do you know?"

I know because the person who likes me for me listens to me. He values my opinion, even seeks it out. He isn't all about trying to get into my pants (or wasn't until I took 'em off on my own accord ;>)), or trying to get me to cook his meals or pay his bills or pick up his slack in any way. I knew he liked me for me because I am able to enjoy the benefits of having experience with other people I'd dated who seemed to be all about what they could get or take from me. This guy seemed to be all about listening to me and asking questions because he's genuinely interested in who I am, not for what he can get.

"Sex sounds fun. But it is not connecting."

Yes, it is. There is mindless, unconnected sex, but most people use sex as a way to connect with their partner.



"How would sex differ from Mormonism?"

Well, Mormonism is a religion. Sex is a biological act. Perhaps I don't understand the question.


"Can a girl just have sex and walk away like a man?"

Yes, but that would be sex without connection, which it doesn't sound like that's what you want.

Halt! Um, you need to start doing some research and pursuing some therapy about your feelings regarding your own sexuality before you do anything. The kinds of things you are expressing to the board lead me to believe that your church controlled naivete may lead to some really bad first experiences with sex, which may have lasting effects that lead to intimacy problems later on in the form of a nice, big female sexual disorder (such as painful intercourse or inability to reach orgasm), so back that horse up and start doing some work ahead of time.

While the approach you are suggesting worked wonders for RL, I suspect it won't for you simply because RL appears to be very comfortable with her own sexuality and you do not. Many women who lose their virginity often experience varying levels of pain the first or second time they have intercourse, both due to differences in their bodies (see hymen), as well as comfort level with their own sexuality and feelings toward their partner at the time of intercourse (stress or anxiety can lead to a tightening of the vaginal opening, low cervix, and less fluids, which can cause pain or discomfort). A woman's biggest sexual organ is her brain. I can't emphasize that point enough.

I studied clinical psychology for a really long time, and spent a huge amount of my research time looking at female and marital sexuality, directly because of the fallout I witnessed from the mind games regarding female sexuality within the church. Religiosity has a long history of screwing up sex for women, and improperly dealt with can have very long term damaging effects, including for my own TBM sister.

I tend not to agree with Timothy on very many things (sorry Timothy), but this time he is absolutely right. Understanding your own body and the psychology that goes with it is the absolute right place to start. Do your research. I recommend starting with Dr. Laura Berman. I've been following her career for way longer than Oprah ever started paying attention to her. Learn about what you've got (study some female anatomy illustrations and when comfortable, your own -- it's not as scary as you think).

Find your clitoris and become friends with it. If you don't know what it does, you won't be able to tell a man what to do with it either (and I assure you that most men need a lot of guidance where this little aspect of female sexuality is concerned). One of my favorite quotes about the clitoris came in an exchange between two characters on the British comedy, 'Coupling' (see Netflix instant watch), where the most sexually experienced man complained to the most sexually experienced female about the mysteries of the clitoris, to which her reply was, "What's so difficult about front and center?" The vast majority of women cannot experience orgasm with out clitoral stimulation and doing it wrong can ruin the mood for you in a real hurry. And who knows, maybe you'll be one of the lucky women for whom your g-spot (yes, it's real guys) makes penetration only the thing that knocks your socks off.

If you feel like too much of a beginner, get a personal massager A.K.A. vibrator (check online reviews before purchasing), because a good one won't require a heck of a lot of technique to be effective for you. As a side note, there is more bad information out there than good, so read reviews before buying/borrowing a book. Beware that media and social pressures tend to produce a lot of unrealistic expectations for women, so keep your expectations low until you've had time to practice --also, make sure orgasm is not your goal when engaging in sex with a man. If it happens, enjoy it and learn from it.

Next, make sure you get a full gyno exam. Especially before pursuing intercourse with another human being (RL, being a nurse, would have to agree with me on this one). Both, because you need to check your health, get educated about STDs and pregnancy, but also to check out that hymen of yours to make sure she's good to go. I counseled a TBM friend right before she got married about the part of human sexuality that doctors and mothers won't tell you -- how to have a fulfilling sex life -- and when she got her pre-honeymoon check up, they discovered that her hymen was totally closed and she was likely going experience a lot difficulty regarding penetration. She got it surgically fixed ahead of time and had a much better honeymoon because of it. Her issue isn't super common, but it was good to know ahead of time.

So, before you start dating casually, make sure you're really prepared for your first sexual experience. Have a masturbation marathon, if you will. If you get yourself physically and mentally ready ahead of time, intimacy should come a lot easier for you and you'll be better able to gage what is right for you. It's different for everyone, and the subtleties of female sexuality make us a bit like snowflakes, even if the basics tend to be a bit perfunctory. The joys, rewards, and satisfaction of a healthy adult female sexual life tend to be in the nuance. I'd say, give yourself a good 3-6 months of good solid home study before you embark on the rest of the sexual experience (which can be pretty damned fantastic when it goes right).

**Please note that when you get a little more advanced, your mood, circumstance, and part of your cycle may determine what does and doesn't work for you on any given day. Experimentation as you get more comfortable may lead you to some interesting discoveries about your likes and dislikes. Have fun!

Sex?

Why is sex such a big deal? There are lots of things just as awesome - climbing a big mountain, riding the White Rim on your bike in one day, swimming the river when it's in flood stage, riding a boat in the North Sea in a huge whirlpool, skydiving...

Yup, sex is just for those who can't find better things to do... :)

Nothing beats the pleasure of sex. Nothing. If you can't say that, then you've never had very good sex.

Plus besides, sex is absolutely free, and I'm a cheap bastard.